Waiting For You Online

He Jin, “…”

He Jin’s father waved his hand and said to his aunt, “we’ve taken the train for the whole night. And it’s the midnight now. Why don’t we go to bed first? And we’ll talk tomorrow. I’ll sleep with He Jin, and you can accompany your sister.”

He Jin was lying on his bed and found it difficult to fall asleep. When his aunt mentioned about his mother, it was as if she’s referring to a psycho. Never had he realized that things have become so serious.

He quickly checked for more information on the Internet and only found out now that his knowledge about “depression” was way too shallow.

Depression has nothing to do with “the inability to think positively”, or “having a bad mood”, it isn’t about being “pessimistic” or “emotional”, it’s actually about the changes in the human brain. It is the change of “serotonin” in the brain responsible for regulating substances such as emotion, vitality and sleep. The concentrations of substances such as norepinephrine and dopamine have changed. In short, the function of managing one’s emotions has broken down.

Patients need to take medicine and that is completely normal. After taking medicine, they’ll become more comfortable. Otherwise, they would always feel anxious and hysterical, and this is the root cause of suicide. He Jin’s mood suddenly became heavier.

The next day, He Jin woke up as someone was caressing him. He almost thought that he’s still in the apartment in A city, he comfortably reached his hand, but he also reacted very quickly – he’s at home! When opening his eyes, he saw a horribly pale face, it’s his mother.

“Mom…”  He Jin instantly stood up and called her. He couldn’t believe his eyes – his mother’s face became so wrinkled now. Also, her hair had become so grey, and it still wasn’t like that before he’d left home. Apparently, she had aged so much, God knows how much pressure she had to endure within these six months.

Suddenly, He Jin felt very guilty, and he kept blaming himself. His heart was aching, he grabbed his quilt and whispered “mom, sorry, I was wrong.”

His mother looked at him carefully and touched his face, “it’s good that you’re back. I haven’t seen you for six months, I’ve missed you so much. Mom was wrong too, and I apologize to you.”

He Jin’s eyes became watery, this is exactly the understanding and respect that he’s been looking for. Also, finally there’s peace. He grabbed his mother’s hand and said apologetically, “mom, I’m here, and I’m good.”

The woman was still looking at him, and she asked him details of these six months. He Jin felt worried and he dared not mention about him and Qin Yang. He only said that after leaving home, he stayed with his classmate for a few days. He also lied by saying that he’d been working outside for half a year. The woman felt sorry and she kept crying. She felt guilty of having let him suffer.

He Jin didn’t know how to cover the lie, the only thing he could do was to keep lying to her. Also, he hadn’t seen any abnormalities in his mother yet, and he was still quite optimistic. His father was happy as He Jin’s return seemed to work for his mother. However, his optimism didn’t last long, and very soon, he witnessed what the illness had done to his mother.

That day, they were having lunch at noon. He Jin mentioned about him doing an internship in summer, and he carefully mentioned about his intention of staying in A city to work after graduation. His mother got angry instantly. She put away her chopsticks and said, “no.” She spoke very quickly, just like every time when she rejected He Jin’s demands. No one could interrupt her at all. At the end, she started staring at one point blankly and murmuring to herself. She also started crying and yelling, “how could you treat me like this? How could you be so cruel? You’re such a bad son! I’m your mother! If you leave me, then what’s the meaning of me staying alive? I’d rather die!”

He Jin didn’t know at all how to deal with such a situation. He could only promise her, against his wish, that he wouldn’t leave, and he asked his mother to stop crying. After a long time, his mother still looked like she didn’t want to live anymore. His father then made her have the medicine, and she started calming down.

He Jin started to realize that he was simply too naïve and idealistic.

As he still had to go back to university, he had to leave. After solving the conflict with his mother on the surface, he took the high-speed train back, and he also promised to call them at least once a week and report to them about his life.

Everything seemed to have returned to the past.

After going back home once, He Jin felt like he’d been infected by this illness too. He became utterly depressed and pessimistic. He felt like there’s no future with Qin Yang under such circumstances.

When he returned to University. He didn’t go back to the apartment, but he stayed in the dormitory.

Hou Dongyan asked him about what had happened. He Jin responded, “worse than what I’d imagined.” He didn’t tell Qin Yang that his mother was suffering from depression, but he told Hou Dongyan, “she’s under so much medication. I’ve checked online, there’re many side effects of those medicines. And they’re not good for her body. Right now, my dad is the only person taking care of her.”

Hou Dongyan asked, “then what are you planning to do with Qin Yang?”

He Jin was initially very determined, but at this moment, he started hesitating, “I’m not sure…”

Hou Dongyan, “well, if you ask me, I’d suggest just keeping everything online and in the game. It’s not too realistic to maintain the relationship in reality.”

Right, that’s what He Jin was thinking before. How could two men be together happily in reality? But after being with Qin Yang, he was under the influence of his passion and affection. He felt very happy when he’s with Qin Yang, since he’s always so positive and confident about everything.

“I’ve read a book; it says that everything about love is only an effect of dopamine. No matter if you’re a boy or girl, all of us would lose ourselves when we’re in love. After this stage, we’d find out that nobody really needs to rely on another person.”

Hou Dongyan was only putting himself in He Jin’s shoes and analyzing for He Jin’s benefits. Unexpectedly, what he’d said had also created a big influence to He Jin – that’s right, since the start of the wait eight years ago, He Jin had found things to be quite unreasonable. Perhaps Qin Yang was only holding on to a thought with stubbornness, and perhaps Qin Yang hadn’t been in love with himself that much.