Crosstalk: Stop playing with your uncle!

Chapter 69 I Have Four Don'ts

During the chat, Qi Long started talking about the plans of his group, starting with the issue of recruiting.

"I have four no-nos!"

"Four no moves?"

"There are four types of people I won't recruit. The company is a collective and we can't have bad apples!"

Gao Dongqiang suddenly realized: "Mr. Guo has four things he won't eat, and you have four things you won't confess. What's the first one?"

"We won't hire anyone who wants a salary!" Qi Long shouted seriously.

"what?"

"Because he is 'greedy', I provided you with a job, but you still ask me for money? What we pursue is spiritual abundance, and material needs should be suppressed. I refuse those who ask for a salary!"

Gao Dongqiang stopped him: "Oh, you still don't pay, what's the second point?"

"I won't hire people who don't want to work overtime, because they are 'lazy'! You always want to get off work on time and do less work, and then the creativity and vitality of the team will be eroded. I won't hire such people!"

"Wow, this is even more tricky! What's the third point?"

"I don't hire people who give me opinions, because they are 'stubborn'. This is a company, not a parliament. There are not so many opinions. Just do whatever I tell you to do! If you have so many opinions, go start your own company and don't come to me!"

"You still want to have the final say. What about the fourth point?"

"People who focus on their personal lives are not welcome, because they are 'scattered'. If you focus on your personal life, how can you devote yourself to your work? If you come to work in my company, you must close your heart and cut off your relationship with your parents. Don't let them become a burden to your work."

"Well, if I go to work at your place, my parents won't want me anymore?"

"Just think about it, with this recruitment standard, my employees will definitely be full of energy and fully committed to their work. By then, the company will definitely be in a state of 'vigorous vitality and prosperity'."

"Wait a minute, are you going to hire someone like this? If I were to work for you, I'd have to work overtime for free, I couldn't make suggestions, and I'd have to cut off ties with my parents. Who would go?"

Qi Long nodded: "Huh, you don't understand? Many people who are looking for jobs nowadays still have the mindset of a student after graduation!"

"What is student thinking?" Gao Dongqiang asked.

“They think that as long as they can learn something, it’s worth it, and if they can learn it without spending any money, it’s even more worthwhile!”

“That’s true!”

Qi Long rolled up his sleeves and said, "So I recruit people in the name of training. You can regard your work here as training. You can learn a lot. After you have learned, you can leave and I will replace you with the next batch of trainees. I am very charitable."

"What's wrong?"

"Hey, some places charge for training. I'm not charging them money, so I'm already doing charity!" Qi Long said proudly.

Gao Dongqiang told the audience: "If you or your children are looking for a job and encounter training, please be careful, there is a possibility that they are as shady as this guy!"

Qi Long turned his head: "What are you talking about?"

"I think this is a great idea. Then what does your group do?" Gao Dongqiang laughed and changed the subject.

Qi Long's eyes lit up immediately: "I have thought of many projects. I want to invent a belt with a horn installed on it. If there is a person or a car blocking the road, just press the horn and the horn will sound and they will move out of the way. How do you think?"

"Not so good, why do I need a voice? Can't I just shout and move aside?"

"Your throat must be uncomfortable sometimes, right? Then you will be like Du Fu."

"What happened to Du Fu?"

"The children in South Village took turns having sex with me because I was too old and weak."

"Hey, nonsense, it's a public hug."

Before he finished speaking, Qi Long interrupted him: "Yes, yes, openly carry me into the bamboo, and then it will happen."

"That's not the case. Let's not recite poetry. The point is, what's the use of the belt?" "After this is over, I'll be so dry and choked that I can't breathe. I can install a speaker on the belt, and it will be useful, right?"

"Then you don't need many people. Not so many people will shout until their lips are dry and their mouths are parched!"

Qi Long started to make other inventions that seemed useful but were actually not very useful.

1. The automatic melon seed cracking machine uses a built-in blade to cut the melon seed shell and push out the melon seed kernel. It can peel a melon seed in seconds.

The shortcoming of Dong Qiang's rebuttal was naturally that he was too slow. He said that he could only eat one seed in two seconds. Qi Long took out a handful of melon seeds from his back pocket and asked him to eat them on the spot, which caused a laugh.

2. The earthquake noodle machine has a counterweight at the bottom. No matter how violently it shakes, the noodles will not spill out.

The shortcoming of Dongqiang’s rebuttal is that if there is an earthquake, instead of running away, you are waiting to eat noodles?
3. Smile assistant. Many people cannot smile. Use wire to hook the corners of their mouth and lift them up to make them smile.

Comedians no longer have to worry about not being entertained by what they say!
These ideas came from Qi Long when he saw an UP host named Shougong Geng on a mobile phone app. This UP host loves to invent useless inventions.

When used in crosstalk, the effect is also good. Every time Qi Long is about to speak, the audience has an expectant expression, wanting to hear what invention he can come up with that may sound useful at first glance, but is completely useless upon careful listening. There is constant laughter at the scene.

Gao Dongqiang interrupted Qi Long: "You are being ridiculous, why don't you try something more down-to-earth!"

"Then I'll invent something that has a wide range of uses. Everyone needs a mobile phone, right?"

"That's true!"

"The mobile phone screen is too small. Some people find it uncomfortable to look at. I enlarged the screen of the mobile phone to the size of a pad!"

"What about the pad?"

"Many people say that the pad is too big and inconvenient. I will produce a pad as big as a mobile phone. Look, doesn't that solve the problem?"

"Ah? A pad as big as a phone, and a phone as big as a pad. If I buy the pad and the phone directly now, isn't that the same thing?"

"Yeah, that's okay, I have other ideas!"

"You say."

"It's hard to pedal a bicycle, so I add a battery to it (electric vehicle); sometimes the electric vehicle doesn't have enough horsepower to climb a slope, so I add a fuel tank to it (motorcycle); the motorcycle runs out of fuel and can't move, so I add pedals to it. Look, this is human wisdom!"

"Then you can just invent a two-wheeled vehicle with a battery on the left, a fuel tank on the right, and pedals in front!" Gao Dong said emphatically.

Qi Long suddenly realized and pointed at Gao Dongqiang: "Your idea is very good, do you want to come to work in my company?"

"You should take a break. If no one buys what you produce, you will lose all your underwear."

Qi Long felt uncomfortable: "Are you saying that none of my projects are good?"

"No, that's all nonsense!"

"If I can't become a first-generation rich, my son can't be a second-generation rich either?"

"No, remember one thing, don't mess around. People can only make money within their own cognitive scope! Do something you are good at, don't mess around!"

Qi Long listened to the advice and nodded: "Then I'll just do crosstalk, I'm good at it!"

"now it's right!"

"It's still faster to be the father of the rich second generation, right, Dongqiang?"

"Go to hell!"

At this point, the crosstalk ended, and the two bowed and left the stage. As soon as they arrived backstage, they were handed a form and asked to fill in the performance rankings of the "Deyun Douxiaoshe" crosstalk actors in the Wire Festival.

Because of the Wire Festival, we haven’t recorded any shows in the past seven days, so tomorrow will be the time to start recording. This ranking will play a role in the competition.

(End of this chapter)