Crosstalk: Stop playing with your uncle!

Chapter 93 I think you look like his father!
I made up several jokes of crosstalk actors, such as the family has no shortage of money, they got 400 million from demolition and are planning to live in the sun; they have no shortage of food, a roast duck can fly in when they sit by the window; their house is so big that one can take the high-speed train to get from the living room to the bedroom, etc.

"You are talking nonsense and making things unclear. How many work targets have been delayed by you crosstalk actors?"

"I just wanted to ask, does this thing have indicators?"

In fact, every time Qi Long mentioned one, he would mention the work target, just to let Gao Dongqiang ask this question so that he could get started.

The two of them are the second to last and have the task of controlling the time. There is a clock on the side of the stage, but it is too obvious for Qi Long, as the funny man, to look over there, so it is usually handed over to the supporting actor standing on the side, so it is convenient for him to take a glance.

When he feels the time is about right, he can say the key words and get down to business.

If he didn't say anything, Qi Long would continue talking. There were a lot of nonsense and ambiguous words in crosstalk, so he could just fit them in.

"Of course, we are a serious team!"

"Hey, you guys are still a gang?"

"Gang? Look, the crosstalk performers can't speak. It's a fraud company. Its full name is Fraud Finance Co., Ltd. There are more than a hundred people there?"

"With so many scammers, how much money can they defraud in a day?" Gao Dongqiang was surprised.

Qi Long waved his hand: "Not all of them are scammers. We are the only two who really insist on working on the front line to commit fraud."

Gao Dongqiang raised two fingers and asked, "What about the rest?"

“They are all leaders of various departments of the company!”

“A fraudulent company still has leading officials?”

"What did you say?"

Qi Long started to talk like this: [Swindlers make money quickly, all thanks to the leaders; cadres take the lead, and the scammers are motivated; scammers have no leaders, so they definitely can’t cheat, and the amount they cheat is small, so they can’t eat enough! ]

At this point, a strong sense of irony is evident on the paper, and many people immediately bring up their own company leaders and shareholders.

The salesmen work hard to do business, and it is shared by many people. In the end, you are the one who suffers, and in the end it is all thanks to their good leadership.

Qi Long began to introduce the structure of the fraudulent company: there was one general manager and forty-eight deputy managers, each in charge of a different area, including administration, operations, publicity, cleaning, and encouraging people to have a third child.

"Ah? Your fraudulent company also supports having a third child?"

"Of course. So many people across the country have given birth to three children. There are too many people to cheat. We must let them give birth to some people with good cheating genes. Together, we can become bigger and stronger and create greater glory!"

Gao Dongqiang couldn't believe it: "Hey, it's still developing?"

"Of course not. Many leaders tell their children from a young age that this position will be theirs in the future. This is a family inheritance, and the son will inherit the father's business!"

Gao Dongqiang: "Doesn't that mean there is no room for promotion for low-level scammers?"

"I can't help it. I just need a good father. I don't know about other places, but in our fraudulent company, people who do things can't beat people with connections!"

Let’s talk about the departments. There are more departments. Qi Long mentioned the Security Department, which made Dongqiang confused.

"Why do you, a bunch of liars, need a security department?"

"You don't understand this. There are more than a hundred scammers gathered together. Many of them were thieves before and turned to scammers because of online payment. What if one of them gets a job-related disease and loses something when they are together?" Qi Long spread his hands.

"Ouch!"

"Our general manager has emphasized in a special document that the more thieves there are, the more we need to strengthen our anti-theft work!"

The audience burst into laughter, and some were stunned.

They hadn't heard such a strong sense of sarcasm in a long time. From the moment it started talking about this scam company, every sentence was full of sarcasm, without stopping.

In order to catch up with the holidays, special offices have to be set up: during the Spring Festival, the Spring Scam Office, the Spring Festival Fraud Office; during Qingming Festival, the Qingming Fraud Office; during Women's Day, the Women's Fraud Office; and during Children's Day, the Children's Fraud Office.

"You can tell me that these leaders just don't understand. They make decisions on a whim. How much money can a child have? Again, even though there are always children online who steal money from their families to buy games, they are actually individual cases. Most of them only have a little pocket money. It's not much that can be cheated. The leaders insisted on letting us cheat the children on that day. Isn't this ridiculous?"

It is ironic that experts command laymen.

"This thing, having a leader like this in a company is just like a cartoon avatar!"

"How to say?"

"Little pay, but a lot of work! The salary is low, but you are asked to do even more work!"

"Reasonable!"

"Moreover, anti-fraud apps have recently started to be promoted, and the anti-fraud efforts are very strong. I proposed to close the business for a few days, but it took a lot of approval."

After reading it, the team leader drew a circle and basically agreed, then gave it to the team leader, the team leader drew a circle, gave it to the department head, the department head drew a circle, then gave it to the deputy manager, the deputy manager drew a circle, a total of five circles, and the general manager approved it without even looking at what was written.

"So what did he approve?"

"Agree to go to the Olympics to cheat!"

"Okay."

"But before the order came down, the anti-fraud police came and arrested us directly. I was handcuffed and it was too late to regret it!"

"Do you regret being a liar?"

"Uncle, formalism is killing people!"

At this point, the crosstalk ended, and the two bowed and left the stage, with thunderous applause from the audience. This segment was not the funniest crosstalk by Qi Long and Dong Qiang, but it was definitely a crosstalk with the most satirical art.

At the beginning, it satirized the fact that skits must end with laughter and then turn to sadness; it also satirized the fact that crosstalk must have educational significance. Everyone thought that was all, but they didn't expect that the intensity of the satire would be fully increased at the end.

Nowadays, in all kinds of companies, there is a lot of work but little money. There are all kinds of messy explicit and implicit rules, and laymen are giving orders to experts. If you propose a modification plan, the boss may not even see it for a month.

It’s so exciting. This is a crosstalk that reminds everyone: crosstalk is an art of satire.

In fact, the original film "Thieves Company" was more obviously satirical, and Qi Long has changed it to "Satire Company".

Even this, I don’t know if they dare to upload this video today.

It was Guo Degang and Yu Qian's turn to go on stage. Qi Long and Dong Qiang went backstage and took off their suit jackets. Qi Long was in a good mood. After Beichun City opened the Deyun Club, if the second team they were currently in rotated to perform in Beichun City, Qi Long would be able to go home.

However, with the increase in fame and the increase in commercial performances and variety shows, the number of small theaters will definitely decrease.

Qi Long and Dong Qiang discussed and decided to try to perform four shows a week.

Four sessions do not mean four days. There are afternoon and evening sessions every day. You just need to set aside two days.

As new-age crosstalk performers, they have never experienced the era of performing on the streets. Small theaters are their roots. Every time they perform in such a small venue, they feel more relaxed, just like returning home.

He plans to go home later and Dongqiang will go with him. The two of them recognize each other's parents as godparents, so since they are here, they must go too.

However, Qi Long must make it clear with Dong Qiang in advance not to mention Zhang Wanyi's affairs casually, because the two of them are just chatting every day and haven't taken things any further, so he shouldn't spread rumors.

At this time, Qi Long received a message from Director Xie on his mobile phone, saying that the first episode would be about self-employment, with each person providing 5,000 yuan in starting capital, and at the end of the day, a competition would be held to see who earned more, so they should think about it in advance.

As soon as the phrase "I Want to Start a Business" appeared in Qi Long's mind, he remembered the weird inventions and "I Have Four Tricks" in the crosstalk he and Dong Qiang had performed. He really couldn't think of anything to do for a while.

Dongqiang stood up and went to the back door to get his dinner, a bowl of salad and four boiled chicken breasts.

Qi Long looked at the big chicken breast, which was white and had no seasoning at all. He had no appetite at all and didn't know how Dongqiang managed to eat it almost every day.

"My "On Dreams" should create a new hell for you!"

"What the hell?" Dongqiang took out the salad and chicken breast and put the bag aside.

"A group of breastless chickens are chasing you, screaming!" Qi Long teased.

Gao Dongqiang looked disgusted and said, "Who wants a chicken without breasts?"

The two brothers reacted quickly. After Qi Long finished speaking, they roughly guessed what he was going to say: "Too vulgar!"

"Your stage baggage isn't much better!"

Qi Long picked up the note on the takeaway and said, "Oh my god, a bowl of salad with round lettuce, purple cabbage, radish, broccoli, cherry tomatoes, just some vegetable leaves, some corn kernels and half an egg, and it costs seventeen dollars?"

A piece of boiled chicken breast costs eight yuan, is it more expensive than fried chicken legs?
This is Northeast China, where prices are recognized by people all over the country as very low. Are you robbing us?

He hadn't paid attention to it before and didn't expect this industry to be so profitable. He knew the prices in the vegetable market. Even in the supermarket, lettuce only costs three yuan per pound, while broccoli is more expensive, at eight or nine yuan per pound.

It can’t be that expensive, right?

Qi Long had an idea and decided to do this, but we should be a little more conscientious and ask for more money.

"Dongqiang, where are there many people eating this stuff?"

"That must be the gym. There are usually light salad shops like this next to gyms, and they get a lot of takeout orders."

"Okay, I'll open the store then!"

"You want to start a business? Wait a minute, I don't recommend you to start a business. No one can say it's bad. Most people run franchise stores or something like that."

"No, variety show, just one day!" Qi Long told Gao Dongqiang about the variety show task.

"You can't make much money in just one day. Think about it, most people near the gym have their own fixed meals, or cook them themselves. It's better for you to go to the company park. Nowadays, many people don't like to exercise, but they choose to eat light meals. They should sell more!"

"It's done, brother!"

Next, Qi Long began to search for takeout shops to see what combinations people had, and then copied and learned from them.

Several crosstalk performers backstage did not interfere with each other and did their own things until Guo Degang and Yu Qian finished their performances, then they were allowed to return to the stage and were introduced one by one.

"Beichun City is Qi Long's hometown. As a landlord, can you say a few words?"

Qi Long stepped forward and said, "In the future, the actors of Deyun Society will be touring here. I want to tell you a few things to be careful of. Keep a low profile in the Northeast, especially if you provoke Kong Yunlong from the boxing team. A simple "what are you looking at" can easily lead to a physical conflict. What if you look around randomly?"

Lao Guo was the funny guy and said, "What should we do?"

"Just answer: I think you look like my dad!"

The audience burst into laughter. What was this, saying the most cowardly words in the most ruthless tone?
After the laughter, an audience member shouted: "What are you looking at!"

Guo Degang and Yu Qian, who were standing in front of the stage, pointed at Qi Long, and Qi Long pointed at Guo Degang. The three of them said in unison: "I think you look like his father!"

After saying this, the three brothers were amused by their inexplicable tacit understanding!
The audience burst into thunderous laughter.

Today I updated 13,000 words. For a new author who is exhausted after writing 4,000 words a day, I really tried my best. I woke up at around 9 o'clock and have been writing until 9 o'clock in the evening. Thank you all for your subscription and support. Thank you!

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(End of this chapter)