Guide on How to Fail at Online Dating

Edited by Divetus

Jing Huan sat completely stupefied in front of his computer, looking at his chatbox with Yearning For.

[Team] Kiss Kiss Fish Fish: ??

[Team] Love is For You to Eat: … It's a joyous occasion ah.

[Team] Long Road Ahead: You're pregnant, and you still came to do instances!!

Jing Huan responded, "I didn't know…"

[Team] Love is For You to Eat: God Xiang is waiting for you outside.

Jing Huan snapped out of it and after bidding them farewell, jumped into Yearning For's team.

The team channel was quiet, and no one said anything.

Jing Huan bit his lower lip, opened the game assistant embedded in the client, and input "pregnancy".

The game assistant immediately sent him a long list of popular posts; the text was dense, exactly like the strategy guides for instances. Jing Huan couldn't help going forward and gathering up the posts,, carefully comparing them.

Cannot participate in instances above three stars during pregnancy.

There is an additional 40% bonus for marital skills during pregnancy.

There is a 100% experience bonus for sitting in the courtyard during pregnancy.

Low-grade potions are not available during pregnancy.

…

Can't even use low-grade potions?

Poor people don't deserve to be pregnant, do they?!

NCH was really inhumane.

Jing Huan cursed them out while reading.

"Will the child follow the scholar path or the warrior path?" Xiang Huaizhi asked.

"I don't know. Let's see if it's a boy or a girl ba…"

Jing Huan answered instinctively but was surprised afterward. "Wha-what? You want to have the child?"

Xiang Huaizhi paused. "You don't want to?"

Jing Huan: "…"

This tone wasn't one asking for his opinion.

It was like an interrogation.

Jing Huan replied, "Of course I do… But you can't do instances once you're pregnant ah."

Xiang Huaizhi scrolled through the strategy posts. "Can do ones that are three stars and below."

Jing Huan: "…"

Fuck.

I'm going to kill the engineer who designed this.

Jing Huan struggled and asked, "What about our team then?"

"It's just instances. They can find someone else to do them with." Xiang Huaizhi asked in a low voice, "Do you want to have the child?"

Do I dare say no?

Jing Huan scratched his head and squeezed a word out through his teeth, "Yes!"

Xiang Huaizhi's eyes became lidded after hearing Jing Huan's answer, and he continued looking at the official website.

Different from Jing Huan though, what he looked at wasn't pregnancy guides, but parenting guides instead.

The child system was an older feature of NCH, however it had just been updated at the beginning of this year. After the new release, children were no longer just the players' trophies. Not only were there various kinds of novel ways to raise them, there was also a system of apprenticeship in place now. After maturing, the children could even participate in their parents' battles.

Jing Huan muttered, “This broken game, why didn’t it tell me that I was pregnant earlier?”

If it had said something earlier, he would’ve sneaked away on his own!

“The housekeeper and servants in the house would’ve told you.” Xiang Huaizhi said calmly.

Jing Huan: “&#k2026;”

Xiang Huaizhi continued, “Have you talked to them lately?”

"No."

The housekeeper and servants could be interacted with to tell them to clean the house, but only indoors. Jing Huan didn't even deal with the weeds outside, let alone anything else about the house.

Xiang Huaizhi dragged their team back home and clicked on the servants.

[Servant: Congratulations! Your wife Xiao Tianjing is pregnant with a baby! [scatters flowers] ~ ~ The baby will be born in seven days! (during this period, Xiao Tianjing's diet and lifestyle will affect her baby's health)]

The system repeatedly stressed paying attention to a woman's diet, and to put it bluntly, there was one key takeaway—please load your account with money.

Although Jing Huan never had a child or seen anyone else give birth to one before, he had once seen other players selling supplements in the store. The cheapest ones were still 10 gold, and it only added a little health value.

Money sinking game.

Jing Huan said, "Gege, I think it's fine if I don't eat any game items. We'll still have a healthy baby."

"You can't," Xiang Huaizhi expressed.

[Megaphone] Yearning For: Collecting bird's nest tonic, whatever grade is fine, will pay extra for full grade. Collecting all kinds of children's products, bring me the price, wholesale will earn a high price.

Jing Huan: "?"

[World] Deer Ah: Holy shit, is Xiao Tianjing pregnant?

[World] My name is Dabai: Congratulations, God Xiang.

[World] Don't Ask when I'll Return: Congratulations, congratulations! Do you have any red envelopes!

[World] Ruo Ming: Xiao Tianjing, don't play in the arena for the next few days. My wife nearly miscarried our child when she played in the arena last time.

[World] Farewell By Scattering Ink: Xiao Tianjing, keep yourself well! After all, your womb is carrying the God of War's son!

Jing Huan: "…"

Haven't you guys fallen too deep into this play?

[World] Praying to Buddha: No way, how long have you guys been married ah?? And already pregnant??? My wife and I went to Guanyin to pray for our son for half a year, but nothing happened. I even changed my username to this….

[World] Gambling Vanguard: God Xiang and Xiao Tianjing's kid should be a demon, right? What sect do you think they will join?

[World] Drunken Song: Must be Mount Qiya, with the God of War.

[World] Gambling Vanguard: Wow. This baby will be born, and she will be part of Illusion server's most powerful family. Yearning For's announcement means that he plans to feed her Bird's Nest and Dragon Pearls every day ba.

The kid was lucky, although sadly, as soon as they would be born, they wouldn't have a mom.

After all, at Christmas, he and Yearning For were going to divorce.

Jing Huan was just thinking about it when a message popped up on the screen.

[Half Life has added you as a friend]

Jing Huan's eyelids twitched.

What the hell does this Lu Wenhao want?

[Stranger] Half Life: Are you there, goddess [shy]

[Stranger] Xiao Tianjing: I'm not the original player.

[Stranger] Half Life: Really, then I'll go find the original player's husband.

[Stranger] Xiao Tianjing: I'm here. My roommate was just playing with my computer, but now I've killed them.

[Stranger] Half Life: …

[Stranger] Half Life: You're so rough goddess, I like it.

You like it my ass. The person that you like is your catfishing ex.

[Stranger] Xiao Tianjing: Something up?

[Stranger] Half Life: Aiya goddess, don't be so cold. Our two guilds have reconciled, didn't your leader tell you?

[Stranger] Half Life: It's actually nothing. I've heard your "Loyalty to the Country", it's very nice. Before, when our guilds were at war, I inadvertently killed you, and I've always felt bad about it. Now I want to make up for it. [Bird's Nest] I have supplements here. Add me as a friend, and I'll give you them to you free of charge. How's that?

Jing Huan moved his hand and added him.

Whoever didn't want free stuff was an idiot. Besides, he had lost so much experience before, so it was time for Lu Wenhao to come back and show him some filial piety.

[Friend] Xiao Tianjing: Thank you.

Looking at these words, Lu Wenhao kept feeling like they weren't quite right.

Why did it look like the words were cursing him out…

[Friend] Half Life: Where are you? I'll toss it to you.

[Friend] Xiao Tianjing: Keep them on hand, I'll take it from you when I'm free.

[Friend] Half Life: ? ….Ooookaaaay.

Xiang Huaizhi's game interface had nearly exploded from the friends' notifications popping up all over the place.

Although supplements were expensive, they weren't rare. He led the team to the main city trading point and traded for them one by one.

Lu Hang said, "I think I have some supplements in the warehouse. I'll toss them to you later."

Xiang Huaizhi let out an "en" sound.

Lu Hang asked curiously, "How many times have you guys gone to pray to Guanyin ah? You're having a baby so quickly. I heard that after the update, children are very strong. I'm currently planning to find a sister to cooperate with me and give birth to one."

"I didn't go."

"That's impossible, how could she be pregnant if you didn't?" When Lu Hang finished, he suddenly thought of something. Turning around, he made a face and asked, "Have you been cheated on?"

NCH wasn't that advanced; there was no cheating feature.

Xiang Huaizhi was in a good mood and didn't bother to kick up a fuss with him. "Marriage bed."

"Marriage bed…" Lu Hang was shocked.

After the children system's update, it wasn't easy to get pregnant. The probability of getting pregnant by praying to Guanyin wasn't high, and the probability of getting pregnant from the marriage bed was even lower, basically turning it into a lucky event.

Once, there had been players joking that, in order for the marriage bed to not be just a thing of little interest or value, the programmers had to reluctantly add this function.

He sincerely said, "Awesome. Worthy of the God of War, a real man."

Xiang Huaizhi got some supplements from his warehouse and quickly tossed them all to the servants. Even if Jing Huan had wanted to stop him, he couldn't.

In the evening, Jing Huan took a bath early and was ready to go to the arena. Because of the guild war, they hadn't fought in the arena for a long time. Yearning For was fine; he had a lot of points, and he probably wouldn't fall off the list even if he stopped going for several months. It was different for Long Road Ahead, he had already been wailing about it in the voice channel for several days now.

"Gege! I just finished washing up la!" Jing Huan wiped his hair and opened up his mic. "Let's go to the arena ba."

"Not fighting."

"Why ah?" Jing Huan froze. "Do you have something to do?"

"You can't fight, it'll hurt the child," Xiang Huaizhi said.

Jing Huan was shocked. "Who said that!"

"The people in the world channel said it."

You're actually looking at the world channel?

That wasn't the style of a great god. Don't all great gods block the world channel!

Jing Huan was angry and said in a low voice, "No way. That person must have lied to us to deliberately prevent you from abusing them in the arena."

Xiang Huaizhi let out an "en" sound, "Then, he succeeded."

"…"

Jing Huan released his mouse and collapsed.

Wasn't this just a damn in-game pregnancy?

How had it become as if he was pregnant in real life? Not allowing him to go here and not allowing him to move there. It couldn't be that he would have to AFK for an entire week?

Hearing his silence, Xiang Huaizhi hesitated. "Do you really want to play?"

After a while, Jing Huan said, "It's not that I really want to…"

Xiang Huaizhi understood his meaning.

Jing Huan got up to wash and hang up the towel on his head. When he came back, he found that his WeChat had an extra message.

Xiang: xiang1999, xiang1999xiang.

Jing Huan was stunned. "What did you send me?"

"The front is the username, and the password is the back," Xiang Huaizhi said, "You can go fight with my account."

Jing Huan was slightly startled. "Then, what about you?"

Xiang Huaizhi replied, "I'll take your account and go home to weed some more."

Jing Huan: "…"

"What sect do you want to form a team with? I'll get in touch with some people to team up with you."

Jing Huan hadn't played a fighter sect in a long time. Yearning For had such a high arena score that he didn't dare to mess it up.

"Forget it." He gave up. "I just want to fight with you. If you're not there, I won't fight la."

With those words, Xiang Huaizhi's eyes filled with some other emotions.

He wasn't sure if he was just imagining things, but he kept feeling that recently, Jing Huan rarely acted coquettishly towards him.

Seeing that he didn't say a word, Jing Huan opened the video software and selected a movie to kill time.

An unknown amount of time later, Yearning For's microphone lit up again. "You get on my account."

Jing Huan asked, "Ah?"

"I've gotten Long Road Ahead's side account," Xiang Huaizhi said. "Let's team up."

Lu Hang's side account was a fully leveled up healer, with barely enough equipment or max level skills.

Everything else was good, but there was something wrong with the name.

The account was called "Lu Baby".

Xiang Huaizhi's eyebrows furrowed. "You don't have any other accounts?"

Lu Hang thought about it. "There's another one, called Hang Baby, which one would you like?"

Xiang Huaizhi: "…"

Jing Huan logged into Yearning For's account, and the first thing he saw was his divine artifact.

Then, the additional features of the artifact blinded his eyes.

After he finished marveling at it, Jing Huan looked at the healer by his side with distressed eyes.

His father had once said that people's luck in their lifetimes was limited.

Jing Huan seriously suspected that Yearning For's luck had all been spent on this weapon so that he would encounter such an unscrupulous catfisher as himself.

Consequences are a guarantee, unfortunately your doom is me.

—

Juurensha: Nooo Huanhuan, XHZ's luck also applies to meeting you!

Divi: XHZ's luck was to find such a horrible catfisher as yourself Huanhuan.

And we have a fanart page!

And be sure to support the raws!