My Little Pony: My Little Pony The Martian

Every day, at the exact same time, a piece of news will be heard on the other side of the earth.

Six days after the Phoenix and Mark Watney disappeared, leaving only a vague alien voice as the only clue, the first message came in. After NASA officially allowed the material to be released to the public, the slightly dull, vague and nasal speech of Pony Starlight Glimmer spread throughout the world.

"Greetings to everyone on Earth. I'm Starlight Glimmer. I recorded this message for one of our space probes, and it will be sent to your world once a day until (ahem!) Mark Watney returns. Mark is with us in quarantine on our home planet. We both have colds, but the meds are working well, so other than that we're fine."

"Our probe can only stay in your universe for ten minutes, and then it must return immediately, otherwise there is a risk of being trapped forever. Therefore, the communication time between us will be very brief. We will send you messages on this frequency. The probe will record all analog audio communications sent on our channel four. The specific channel information NASA has recorded in this regard during our early communication attempts."

"We don't expect a response during this first communication window. But tomorrow our doctors would like you to send us some data on Mark Watney's bone mass, muscle mass, and vision. They are testing us all to see how we are doing after living on Mars for so long. Thank you in advance for your help, and we will communicate again tomorrow."

Every day after this first message, a new message would arrive, read by either Starlight Glimmer or Tingting. Each message would usually begin with a request for some specific information - information about Mark Watney and human health issues, information about the Hermes, information about computers, that sort of thing. Then any questions that Earth had sent the day before would be answered, until the total was ten minutes long.

Then, if there was room on the recorder, there would be a message from Mark Watney at the end. It would be several days before this first happened, but by the tenth day it had become a regular part of the daily message:

"Hello Earth! Mark Watney here! Today I visited Cherryberry's workplace, the Horsetown Space Center. Not to be confused with Ponytown; there's a castle there, but no space center. HSC looks a lot like our Kennedy. What's even more amazing is that five years ago it was just a swamp, but now there's a manned mission launching every two weeks or so. But NASA, please take some sedatives before you come. Let's go!"

"Hi, it's me Mark again! Mark Watney. Remember me? I was stranded on Mars for a while, growing crops in a crystal cave. By the way, today I saw another crystal cave, right under Tingting's house. Although it doesn't look as spectacular as the Redemption Cave on Mars, it's still very beautiful, especially under the illumination of a flashlight. Of course, being stared at by thousands of changelings with only flashlights makes me a little nervous. I hope to see you again soon!"

"It's me, Mark Watney. I only have a few seconds, so I'll just tell you one thing. I ate cake. All of it. Real, genuine, authentic cake with no potatoes in it. It was delicious. See you later!"

"Hi, I'm Mark Watney! I have a question for my brothers on the Hermes; is there anything you'd like to see as souvenirs? I'll be going shopping soon, and I wanted to know what you'd like to see on Pony Planet. Could NASA please pass on a message for me? Thanks!"

"Watney news: The ponies can play golf. Same clubs, same course, same rules, just like on Earth. Even the words are the same. Another point for the parallel universe theory."

"Also, ponies don't use magic to play golf. And they don't hold the club in their mouths; they stand on their hind legs, hold the club with their hoof elbows (feet), and swing the club like humans. They usually fall down when they play, which is quite different from humans. But they are still better than me. And I still don't understand why anyone would be interested in this sport; it's just an excuse to put on ugly clothes and beat the grass and mud into pieces. But this is just my personal opinion. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I shot thirteen on the first hole and Spitfire hit it for birdie (one stroke less than par)."

"I'd like to end by describing Fireball in his knickerbockers and a plaid beret with a little red puffball on it. He can hit monster drives, but he can't make putts. That's all. See you later!"

Then, one day, the message changed: Mark Watney's speech, which was supposed to be just over a minute, took up the entire message.

"Hello Earth! I'm Mark Watney. Looks like my little vacation is over. The ponies are preparing to bring me back, so I'm preparing for my return flight. I'm also getting some other training in the meantime, but the rulers here asked that I not reveal the details of that until I get back. They're keeping it as a surprise. It's a pretty big surprise, so I won't spoil it."

"Let's get down to business. When the ponies get me back, they want to get me as close to the Hermes as possible. There are a few things we need to verify. Are the Hermes's attitude thrusters powerful enough to stop the ship's rotation and dock, and then recover? How long can the Hermes's VASIMR engines be shut down for docking without jeopardizing normal reentry? If necessary, if the Phoenix completely loses thruster function, can the Hermes still dock with it? If not, what is the minimum requirement for the Phoenix's onboard thruster capability? We actually discussed this last point in detail when preparing for the launch on Sol 551, but they felt it was necessary to verify it."

"By the way, I'll take this opportunity to answer some of your questions. Yes, gold and gems are much more common here than on Earth. Listen, one of Starlight's friends owns a stone farm. It's really like a quarry, but they really grow stones there. It's related to some magical specialty. I haven't seen it myself, but I hope to have time to take a day off from my current top-secret activities to go there and take a look."

"As for gold, there's not a lot of paper money in circulation here. The main medium of exchange is a thick gold coin - it's only gold, about 50 percent, but still more than a quarter of an ounce. You'll need two of those coins to buy a supermarket-quality apple. Sure, the apples here are the size of grapefruits, but do you think about that? A thousand bucks' worth of gold for just that one apple? I'd say the apples here are good, but not good enough to justify spending a fortune on."

"Anyway, I apologize if I have messed with anyone's cake, but I have already explained it to the hosts, and Starlight had communicated with them before me. They will not let anyone pack up and take away large amounts of gold and gems and return to Earth to make a fortune."

"If there's anything that the ponies here need that we have, I've only found one thing so far, and I don't think our uranium ore will have much of a market here. The reserves of this element are so scarce that they're almost non-existent, and the only use for it here is in physics experiments. And after hearing what we've described, they don't want this substance to exist in large quantities here at all."

"It's almost time now, so let's talk tomorrow. Thank you for listening, and we'll see you tomorrow at the same time and place on the Watney Channel!"

This situation continued for another week and a half. Then came the last message:

"Launch day is coming up here, so this is my last message home before I go back to the other side. Actually, I'm going to keep this one short because my friends threw me a going-away party in this city that's like a cross between Las Vegas and Hollywood. It's another city in the sky like Cloud City, but with a lot of non-Pegasus tourists."

"Yes, I know you will be disappointed, but I was talking about the farewell party. My friends will not come with me on the return trip. The space surgeon has grounded them. So I'm sorry to everyone on Earth, you will have to wait a little longer before you have the chance to meet everyone face to face. But at least there is good news, this way we don't have to take turns sleeping on the Hermes."

"Speaking of Hermes… Commander Lewis, believe it or not, the ponies have both thatched cottages and house synth music. They also have cassettes, so I'll bring back a tape player and samples of various recordings; vinyl is more popular here, CDs haven't been invented yet, so they'll have to make do with cassettes. Martinez, I brought you a book about Spitfire and the Wonderbolts. I also brought a snazzy top hat for Johnson and an Arab-style headscarf for Baker - you can wear them at your wedding. And in case anyone thinks I got these two mixed up, I know them and you don't, so screw you… um, that's it."

"Finally, Vogel, your kids seem a bit too old for this, but I brought you half a dozen pony pillows as you requested. I even managed to get one of Cherry Blossom, one of Dragonfly, and one of Spitfire. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much demand for Starlight Glimmer or Fireball pillows in this world, so I also brought you one of a baby Alicorn princess, one of a griffin, and one of a unicorn. I hope your kids enjoy them."

"Well, the hot air balloon is waiting for me, so before I return to my home world, this is Mark Watney, and we'll see you later."

The next day, the Pony probe did not appear.

And the day after that, and the day after that, and the days after that, and the days after that.

"Hermes, Phoenix tolling. Stand by and prepare to begin docking procedures."

Everyone on the Hermes looked up at the sound. They threw aside their daily tasks and rushed to their respective posts. Thanks to the information conveyed by the interdimensional space probe, they knew that the failure of Sol 551 would be remedied in the near future; however, they did not know when that day would be, and they certainly did not expect that the day would be today.

"Commander, please come to the bridge!" Martinez called on the ship's radio channel.

"Coming," Lewis also ordered, "Baker, Vogel, go to airlock No. 1 and put on your space suits."

“Already here,” Vogel replied.

"Phoenix, Hermes calling," Johnson, who was stationed at his workstation on the bridge, replied, "Message received, welcome home."

"Thank you, Johnson," Watney's voice echoed from the Phoenix. "The Concorde - that's Harmony - will stay nearby for a few minutes to ensure that the docking is successful. In addition, I have been ordered to convey a message at the same time. Please stand by."