Why not hang yourself on the southeast tree

When I became self-aware, I was still in the egg.

I couldn't feel my hands and feet, and lamented that this time I was reborn as a cripple.

Until one day, when the time was right, the eggshell that wrapped my whole body suddenly broke.

Above the head, behind the glaring sun lights, is a plain face without any makeup.

[Hi, hello Xiaoqing, I am your breeder Bai Xiaowan~]

I am a hognose snake.

A newborn hognose snake with a slender and uniform body, and an orange base with straight golden lines running through its head and tail.

It's not my nose that looks like a pig, it's my whole head. From the front, it looks like a pig's big nose, and my watery little eyes are the pig's nostrils.

I am now only as thick as a pencil, lively and active, and I like to get up early. I have an illusion that my soul is flying away.

My keeper, Bai Xiaowan, is a young lady who is a programmer. Her daily routine is 007, which is completely opposite to mine.

She earns a million dollars a year, clocks in at the company once a month, and does almost all of her work in her study at home.

My first impression inside the eggshell was correct, I really had no hands or feet.

The orange-yellow scales feel smooth to the touch and sparkle in the sunlight, which is very beautiful.

The first meal of my snake life was fed to me by Xiaobai using tweezers. It was a baby mouse with its skin peeled very cleanly.

The taste was a bit disgusting to the snake. The keeper said that the book said that hognose snakes like to eat frogs, but she was worried that I would choke if she fed me bullfrog bones.

So I had to settle for the next best thing and asked the seller to pack up another box of laboratory-raised baby mice that had not yet started to grow hair.

Feeding it once can last for a week. I am really easy to feed.

I don't understand why the breeder calls me Xiaoqing, even though I have nothing to do with Qing at all.

Is it because she is a rookie? !

Xiaobai is 34 years old this year. In the eyes of her elders, she is an older left-over woman with a weird and unsociable personality. She is also about to face a big hurdle in her career as a programmer, 35.

She put me in the storage box next to the keyboard and her fingers flew up and down, typing away on the keyboard.

There are six display screens neatly stacked on the table, all showing complex and difficult to understand C++ language.

Although she didn't say it, I could feel her anxiety, both about her career and her life plans.

What page should you read depending on the wind, and what you should do at what age, these are what her mother often tells her.

She didn't have the courage to shut the tigress up, so she had to go home less often and allow her mother to bombard her with 60-second voice messages.

Anyway, the phone is on silent mode, no vibrating or ringing, so it won’t interfere with my work.

The bookcase behind her was filled with various romance novels, sorted by cover color. They looked brand new at first glance, as if they had never been opened. They must have been bought for collection.

There were a few times when she couldn't find a pad of the right size, so she just used novels for me to play with.

On the cover, there is a kissing man and woman in the style of Japanese comics, "The Domineering President Falls in Love with Me" and "That Boy is So Bad".

Very old-fashioned, very cliché, but a hot seller.

There is only a remote corner that occupies less than 10% of the bookcase, which contains large professional books such as "Java Training Manual", "Python Advanced Tutorial", and "Programmer's Self-cultivation".

The pages of the book were all torn, but she didn't buy a new one.

I saw with my own eyes that she used an electric drill to drill holes in the spines of the books and bind them. The pages that were blown open by the wind were filled with notes.

Xiaobai is a patient with advanced obsessive-compulsive disorder. Every time I crawl with my body twisted, she can't help but straighten my tail.

Have you ever seen a snake walking straight up?!

what? !

【hiss--】

She had just finished reading the message on her phone and was huddled in the reclining chair, not moving.

I called her.

[Xiaoqing, my mother said that if I don’t get married this year, she will sever the mother-daughter relationship with me…]

【hiss--】

[Xiaoqing, my dad said that grandma’s health is not good. She is still worried that I won’t be able to get married while she is in bed. When I get old and live in a nursing home, I will be bullied by the nurses…]

【hiss--】

[Xiaoqing, why are there so many men in the company who are not urged to get married, but my mother is urging me to get married? Isn't the 500,000 yuan I give her every year enough for her retirement?]

【hiss--】

[Hey, Xiaoqing, you are only a little kid, why should I tell you all this?]

[Eh?! By the way, we've known each other for a few days. Are you a girl or a boy? ]

Xiaobai picked me up with his index finger and looked at the end of my tail carefully.

[No, I have to ask the seller.]

The seller’s reply: Check whether there is a bulge in the reproductive cavity. If there is, it is a boy, if not, it is a girl.

Xiaobai scratched his head, "Uh, where is the reproductive cavity? I looked at the tail with a magnifying glass, it's completely closed without a hole?! 】

Seller: ...A pure newbie who actually dared to spend five thousand to buy snake eggs and hatch and raise them from scratch. This girl is really ruthless.

The seller replied again - please take a clear video of the tail and I will help you watch it.

This one is simple.

Xiaobai set up her Canon SLR, turned on the headlight, put up the reflector, and shot from four angles: up, down, left, and right.

I'm not a rattlesnake, so it's impossible for me to stick out my tail consciously.

She pinched my thin and pointed tail with her hands, hung me upside down, and then pinched my triangular head, stretching the whole snake into a straight shape.

I didn't dare move, for fear that she would tear me in half with too much force. I wondered if it was too late to play dead now.

The SLR camera is set to time-lapse, so it just keeps taking pictures.

Half an hour later, the seller received about 2G of high-definition video.

His second-hand laptop had only 4GB of running memory. While receiving the video, all the open program screens were stuck and the CPU was almost broken.

The seller was speechless.

After opening the video that was simply edited into four grids and rotated at the same time, I was even more speechless.

He stared at the location of the reproductive cavity, confirmed it again and again, replied with two simple words, and immediately went offline.

The avatar turned gray and split in half, as if it was afraid of being questioned again.

When Xiaobai saw the two words "儿抓", he felt a chill in his chest.

In order to feel free, she would just wear home clothes without underwear at home. Sometimes she would hang me around her neck as a temporary necklace and let me crawl in and out of her collar...

[Since you are still a cub, I will spare you this time...]

Xiaobai tapped my pig head and muttered something.

This month the company is going to work on a new project, a large-scale mobile game that needs to be compatible with three systems: Hongmeng, Android and IOS. Just for this, three groups of people have to work together.

Moreover, the client has extremely many requirements, with an idea and a proposal every now and then. Old Liu from the next group is almost going crazy from the ever-changing plans.

In the next period of time, Xiaobai might be too busy to handle everything.

She informed her family in advance and asked them not to come to her place suddenly, otherwise her job would be ruined.

Although the mother was angry, she was able to temporarily calm down her inner anxiety after being comforted by Lao Bai.