There are roads in the mountains of books

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If I don't say something now, it would be a sign of extremely low EQ.

"Mom, are you sad?"

"It's okay." She replied quickly.

I frowned, feeling that "it's okay" contained extremely complicated emotions.

"Really?"

"Fake." She sighed.

I remained silent, turned my chair, and slowly reached out to her.My mother caught it, and on her round palm, the delicate skin of the past was no longer smooth.My mind went blank, I suddenly deviated from the subject and blurted out an apology. "Mom, I'm sorry... For so many years, I have worked hard to be excellent and to satisfy you, but I still let you down."

"What's wrong with me, wasn't I very happy just now?" My mother knocked on my head.

"But I like women." I whispered back.

My mother stood quietly by the wall, and the mop in her hand seemed to be a tool for her to vent her anger.Scratching her fingernails on the wooden handle was her habit when she was in trouble.

I imagined myself as a mop, until she finally sighed: "You are a full professor, you are happy, and I am happy, that's enough. As for whether you are excellent or not, that is for others to see. Others see you You are a university professor. I think you are still a little kid. What kind of person are you? You are not perfect. Didn’t I, a mother, count? Well, let me count with you... Irritable, impulsive, He has a paranoid personality and likes to cry. When he was a child, the candied haws were overturned and howled all the way. Hey, you have so many problems, and I haven’t disliked you for so many years. I won’t be surprised if I add another one.”

I was dumbfounded.What, am I not a proud existence in her eyes?

I was amused by her, but I didn't pay attention and couldn't help crying. "Mom, I'm sorry."

I must look ugly and funny the way I am now.All the emotions came to the surface, and I thought of my mother's hard work all her life, and finally had to go through this, and I couldn't add more guilt in my heart.

The aunt said, this is not my fault.Yes, I am not wrong, of course I understand, but my mother is not wrong.

I want my aunt to live well and my mother to live well.Thinking about it now, my aunt is living a very good life, but all the unsatisfactory things are my imagination.But for my mother, no matter how hard I tried to make her proud and make her life less regretful, in the end things backfired.I was chosen, some things were meant to be.The powerlessness of life overwhelmed me, my self-confidence disappeared, and my suppressed emotions burst at this moment.

"Why are you crying? You're thirty, and you still miss me every day when you're in a relationship." My mother said disgustedly, "Cen Feng is ignorant enough, you don't like him so much, why do you want to learn from him? I'm really worried for Xiao Wei."

I immediately stopped crying and looked at her helplessly.

"Are you really not disappointed? Your daughter, a university professor, is gay. How will you tell others in the future?"

She used to be so dependent on me and trusted me, I was really afraid that she would be under too much pressure and unbearable.

"You are very considerate, and even helped me think about this."

"..." There is nothing to say.

After a while, I wiped away my tears, and my voice gradually calmed down: "Mom, you speak so aggressively, you are obviously angry with me."

My mother gave me a noncommittal look: "Yeah, the daughter I have worked so hard to raise, I think it is so snobbish, I dare to say that I only like your excellence."

I shrank my neck, trying to pretend I didn't exist.

I look forward to her tight verbal provocation, as if life will return to normal.It's just that her tone suddenly became gentle in my silence.

With hesitation and sincerity between her lips, she hugged my back and rubbed it comfortingly: "Qiu Yu, you have never been happy these years. I think I also have a lot of responsibility. Hey, mom I’m old, and I don’t want to face many things. I didn’t expect it to cause you such a big trouble. Your father’s affairs put pressure on you, and I didn’t ask much about your own affairs. I have hidden them in my heart for so many years, and they must be crushed. Right... If you want to say sorry, I should be the one to say it."

She smiled embarrassedly: "I may not be satisfied with other girls, but Xiaowei is so cute, if she can make you happy every day, I will be relieved. I have often seen you in the cafeteria and Xiaowei in the past six months. The only time we eat together, the smile is really happy, just like when you were in high school, carefree."

I was stunned, and the tears that I had finally stopped poured out again, feeling wronged and bitter.

"You know?" I asked through gritted teeth.

"I know, I can't tell if you're happy all these years after you've been in college." She turned her back to me and wiped her face, "Hey, it's not good for our family, and we don't like to say things we care about. , always holding back. You don’t like to talk since you were a child, unlike Xiao Wei who likes Qiu Yu and Auntie, and you can talk about everything you like.”

My head ached, and I began to sob intermittently.There are some things I don't want her to know.But when she knew it, the overwhelming pressure was released instantly, painful and refreshing.

"...Yeah, our family is very conservative." I said while wiping my tears.

I am also conservative, denying myself again and again, torturing myself, and being abnormal.

This was the first time she opened her heart to me, and I didn't understand until now how precious an explanation is to us.We carefully maintain our love for each other without being able to communicate, creating mutual pain and confusion.

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