We didn't die at the end

04

I once had a discussion about homosexuality with Xu Wei.I talked eloquently about the "Their World" I just watched, and Xu Wei kept frowning uncomfortably.Suddenly he interrupted me: reacting to a man... Isn't it disgusting to be in heat with the same body as myself?I stared at him, and secretly slandered that I would probably make you sick to death, and then said, "No. It's okay." Xu Wei looked at me delicately, and said after a long while: "Anyway, I still feel very sick. Disgusting." I pretended to feel sorry for Cheng Yihuan in my heart and sighed for a while, but actually I was a little happy.I have an almost perverted possessive desire for Cheng Yihuan in my heart - I love him, but I hate him who loves others.It was only after a long time that I found out that the reason why Xu Wei said that day was because he was doing his homework during the lunch break that day, and Cheng Yihuan was sleeping on the table.Cheng Yihuan woke up when the bell rang at [-]:[-].His cheeks were flushed like a sunset glow, his eyelashes were slightly moist and closed together, his eyes were filled with water vapor as he slowly opened them, blurred almost charmingly, and his throat and nasal cavity issued a slight The breath made Xu Wei's nerves twitch violently, Xu Wei only felt an electric current rushing up his spine, and then he had some physiological reactions that he shouldn't have (he said that when he kissed Mu Susu until he couldn't breathe It will not be like this), went to the toilet and washed my face with cold water a few times before calming down.As a result, he was in an irritable mood of self-loathing all afternoon, and he had no patience for Cheng Yihuan, the culprit who tried to talk to him several times. Whenever the other party approached him, he felt something was wrong with him, so he could only divert by constantly brushing the questions. attention.

I think if I knew it at the time, I would wake up that Xu Wei who is stupid in reading, and tell him that what attracts you is not Cheng Yihuan's gender or anything else, but his own beauty, that's all.I changed my mind again, I was paranoid and selfish at the age of 17, how could I wake up my rival in love?And he didn't say, I don't know who is innocent, I can still comfort myself when facing the final outcome, all this is not because I didn't point out at the beginning.My sins can also be lessened by this.

In countless dreams, Cheng Yihuan was lying under me, his skin was as delicate and clear as suet jade, and his long and straight legs were wrapped around my waist.I left shy traces like petals in his swan-like neck, and pressed my fingers along his spine from top to bottom to his tailbone, and then down.His toes curled up the moment our bodies joined, his tight body delivering a dangerously deadly pleasure, the gasp filling the room.Tears welled up in his eyes, and he couldn't utter a complete sentence. He let me slow down for a while, and then let me go faster, and finally at the moment when he reached the peak viscously, he cried in a crying voice: "Xu Wei." Then I just woke up.My sweet dream turned into a nightmare.I moved but found that I was still wet and uncomfortably wet, because Cheng Yihuan, who was crying and shouting out his lover's name all over his face, was too fucking sexy if he didn't say anything else.

05

The great thing about me at the age of 17 is that I have to show that I have no interest in Cheng Yihuan, I have never dreamed of him, and I have to maintain the original friendship with my one-sided rival Xu Wei Pretending that I'm not jealous of him at all, and fighting every day with maths where I only get half a mark.I found a delicate balance between the three, that is, every night before self-study, I went to Xu Wei with the questions I couldn't do, and listened to him explain the questions to me, and then I could glance at Cheng Yihuan in the corner of my eye.Cheng Yihuan did not participate in the discussion between me and Xu Wei. He probably thought my problems were mentally handicapped. In fact, Xu Wei probably felt the same way, but he was used to my mental handicap since he was a child.But Cheng Yihuan kept an ear to our conversation. Sometimes he would suddenly come over and say, "I didn't expect this kind of solution", and then he would lie on the table and listen to Xu Wei's lecture.At this time, Cheng Yihuan was as obedient as a newborn animal, with soft eyes, and lowered eyebrows, waiting for the owner to purr him - I am definitely not the only one who has such thoughts, because Xu Wei stretched out his hand in the next second He rubbed his hair for a while, then stood there in a daze with an expression of "what am I doing" after rubbing.Xu Wei couldn't see it, but I could see it clearly: Cheng Yihuan didn't react on the surface, but the circle around his ears was as red as braised pig's trotters. (When I'm jealous, I really don't have the mood to make beautiful metaphors)

On Saturday morning Xu Wei came to knock on my door, one long and two short, one long and one short and two long, the Morse code of "XW".There was a time when this was popular in junior high school. At that time, the whole world was full of long and short knocking sounds, as if everyone was dumb.When Xu Wei first knocked on my door like this, my mother thought some mentally ill young man had come out and pretended to be an underground party member.Xu Wei is a person who is as stubborn as a mystery about many things. For example, he has persisted in this habit of knocking on the door for so many years. For example, he will come to my house every Saturday morning to watch Crayon Shin-chan while eating breakfast made by my mother.That morning, after breakfast, he took out his English book, and after silently reading two rows of words, he suddenly remembered something. He said to me: I have an appointment with Cheng Yihuan to do math in the library this afternoon, you can go together.For a while, I wondered when the two of you had such a good relationship, and for a while, I seemed to see Cheng Yihuan's disappointed face if I went there, and for a while, I felt that it was me and Cheng Yihuan together...how should I put it?Dating?Thoughts were flying in my mind, but a sentence popped out of my mouth, "Why don't you ask Miao Susu to go with you?"

After speaking, Xu Wei immediately looked at me with a look of caring for mentally handicapped children, and I immediately realized my mentally handicapped.So I immediately surrendered, "I was wrong. I'll go." He hummed twice and continued to bow his head to endorse.

Speaking of Miao Susu, they have not been separated in the past three or four years. They have separated the two schools. There are not many opportunities to meet each other, and the two of them have never shown their affection on social media. In my opinion, it is as pale as plain water. Most people in the school don't even know that he has such a girlfriend.I remember when I was in junior high school, Miao Susu was arrogant and fierce in front of others, but she was so gentle that she almost melted into water when she was facing Xu Wei.They sit at the front and back desks in the back row of the classroom, hold hands under the desk during class, play on the playground in the dark after evening self-study (it’s unknown what exactly they do), quarrel over trivial matters and immediately fight with each other. good.Miao Susu wrote all her likes on her face. After the senior high school entrance examination, she cried for most of the summer vacation. After finally coaxing her, she didn't forget to let me watch Xu Wei in prison. habitat".I reassure her that she is the only one in Xu Wei's world besides mathematics and science.Later Xu Wei told me that he really wanted to spend his life with Miao Susu at that time.If you didn't meet Cheng Yihuan.

As for that afternoon, I don't remember much.If you like someone, think back to the clips of getting along with him after years, those clips, no matter in sunny days or cloudy and rainy days, will always be like the negatives of light leaks, shining but blurry.The library is crowded with people as always, but what is special about Cheng Yihuan is that no matter what the occasion, you can always find him at a glance.God gave him the best favor at that time, and even when the wind passed by, he would deliberately slow down.Many years later, I still can't tell whether it was luck or misfortune.

When Xu Wei went to the toilet, I asked Cheng Yihuan the topic. He gave the topic very patiently, and looked up at me while writing.His eyes are cold and clear, but like the lake water in early spring, there are solid ice floating.This kind of solid ice will only melt when facing Xu Wei, a pool of snow water turns into a stream, it flows happily and silently, quietly hoping that people on the shore can stop for a while.But just one look from him, one look from my Beatrice, can kindle all the dying flames in my soul, even though there is no emotion in that look, even though we are separated by mountains and rivers.

06

After that incident happened, Xu Wei kept telling me that it was all his fault.I told him that’s not the case. Everyone’s luck may be arranged by God, and there will be no major derailments and deviations due to one person or one thing. No one knows if there is something missing in life. Huan, whether he will go to a completely different ending, or the same goal by different routes.I said that he doesn't have to regard himself as the culprit. No one can be called the "culprit". If you want to blame him, wouldn't you blame his mother for giving birth to him, and his grandmother for giving birth to his mother?Then, blame why apes evolved into humans, why life was born on the earth, and why a big bang happened in a chaotic universe.Everything has a definite number, and everything has no traceable source.

But as you and I know, the truths others say are often not listened to, otherwise Xu Wei would not have gone to the psychiatrist because of the big mood swings after I persuaded him so many times. The doctor finally diagnosed PTSD (*post-traumatic stress disorder), received psychological counseling and drug control for more than half a year, and even missed the college entrance examination that year.Also, as you and I know, the truth is for others to hear. At that time, I always thought, if there is no such thing, if there is no such thing, will everything be different?In the end, I couldn't think of a cause and effect, but I thought——if possible, Yu Chengyihuan, Yu me, and even Xu Wei all hope that time can stay in that afternoon forever.The story should end at just the right place, leaving a meaningful ending with endless possibilities, and many things after that afternoon should not have happened.

It was May of 2012, the sun was just right and the sun was not too slow, and the air was so early that it made people feel comfortable from the inside out.Please allow me to speak in such a biographical tone, because that afternoon has left too deep an impression on my mind.That was probably the brightest afternoon in Cheng Yihuan's life, at that time Xu Wei was as dazzling as a burning star.And I hid in the haze and watched them, jealousy overgrown like moss, even the most ardent sun could not illuminate this dark corner.

Just finished the monthly exam in May, no one is sitting in the classroom all day long and writing hard. It is rare that there is no shortage of people in the physical education class. The physical education teacher in our class is absent, so the class is moved forward. class together.When I went to the playground, I saw Xu Wei and Cheng Yihuan holding a feather racket, standing on the sidelines and talking happily.I squeezed close to them with ulterior motives, and heard them discussing things like "the problem just now is obviously easier to use geometry", and felt deeply sad for my incompatibility with them.When the team was assembled, nearly a hundred people in the two classes stood like a giant hornet's nest, and the physical education teacher in the next class blew his whistle a dozen times, but no one paid attention to him.When it finally became quieter, he waved his hand and said that the two classes were playing a basketball game in this class. Everyone cheered and scattered. A group of boys from Xu Wei's class occupied the field and called him to play basketball from a distance of more than ten meters.

Cheng Yihuan was a little unhappy.He pouted and looked at Xu Wei, it seemed that he had agreed to play badminton together.Xu Wei yelled to the boys in the distance to come right away, and Cheng Yihuan was so angry that he stood in front of him, stretching out his hand to tickle his waist (this person has never had the habit of being ticklish).So he hid while laughing, retreating again and again, Cheng Yihuan continued to attack unrelentingly, and I stood beside them quietly with my arms folded, watching these childish tricks.At the next moment, Xu Wei suddenly clenched Cheng Yihuan's wrists with both hands, and clasped Cheng Yihuan's back, then took him by the waist and bumped him into his arms. , accompany you to the next class.Xu Wei quickly realized the ambiguity of this gesture, he let go of Cheng Yihuan in panic, turned his head and left.Cheng Yihuan froze in place for a long time, her beautiful face was flushed with blood, but her eyes were shining with strange excitement.The corner of Yi Huan's mouth kept smiling throughout the whole class. Later, he didn't go to the badminton court, but sat on the sidelines with his racket in his arms and watched Xu Wei play basketball. Every time Xu Wei scored a goal, I would look at him and the corner of his mouth. His smile deepened, seeing him sitting in the sun, his whole body seemed to be glowing, making people want to look at him more involuntarily.

In that game, I kept cursing Xu Wei for losing the ball, cursing him for three non-sticks, and cursing him for fouling and being sent off.Not just as his opponent.But in that game, he was like Rukawa Kaede, every goal was a mess, leaving no room for our class, nor for Cheng Yihuan.

It's just that I caught up with him when he let go of Cheng Yihuan after hugging Cheng Yihuan and turned around to leave. I could clearly see his serious disgust and regret.At that time, I actually couldn’t understand what he was thinking. I wrote “Xu Wei’s face is unhappy” in the diary that day, and I experienced something after many years. When I think about it carefully, he certainly can’t hate Cheng Yihuan. (No one will hate Cheng Yihuan), he just regrets why he subconsciously and unconsciously made such a move that violates his moral concept, and he is somewhat aware that such a mindless impulsiveness may be the real desire in his subconscious , some things have changed silently.He hated to face these changes, he hated those unexpected and uncontrollable thoughts, so he chose to turn around and leave.