Xiyang Mourning

The first thing Zheng Yang saw when he opened the book was the delicate and neat two characters "Cheng Xi" on the title page. Zheng Yang stroked these two characters with his fingertips and slowly smiled.The master's handwriting feels warm and moist, with no obvious strokes, but it makes people feel good-looking, unlike myself, every stroke wants others to know the horizontal and vertical hooks there.

Zheng Yang lingered on the title page for a long time, his eyes lingering on Cheng Xi's name, and his fingers sketched stroke by stroke on the title page.After a long time, Zheng Yang really opened the notebook, and what caught his eye was densely packed words. After reading a few lines, Zheng Yang's body tensed up immediately, and he carefully looked at the contents without blinking.

The notebook is written according to the time, but there is no date and it is not every day. It is more appropriate to say that it is written from time to time rather than a diary.

"Recently, when I see Zheng Yang, I can't look away unconsciously. He still kneels and sits next to me, just like that day in Qin Haoyu's villa. It is undeniable that every time he kneels down for me, I always There will be some entanglements, he shouldn't be like this. It's a pity that I can't forget, I can't forget everything, I always feel that my emotions are getting more and more irritable, but I just don't want to control..."

"I stand in front of the big French windows every day and watch Zheng Yang leave and come back. No matter what Zheng Yang looks like in front of me, I am still like a concubine, waiting for the return of the king in this villa. But Zheng Yang is indeed worthy of the king What about him? It’s just a clown relying on the king’s ‘favor’…”

Zheng Yang's eyes were sour when he saw this, he looked at the familiar note on the paper and muttered to himself, "No, master. I didn't... I never thought about it like this. I'm not a king, I don't want to bind you in this In a small area, I just..." Zheng Yang lowered his head, his shoulders were trembling, and he contemplated for a long time before uttering the words from the depths of his throat, "I'm just afraid that you will leave... I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

"Qin Haoyu gave me a gift, a coffee shop. At that moment in Qin Haoyu's mouth, I seemed to see my former self, just like a boy, with fresh clothes and angry horses. I owe Qin Haoyu after all. I used him for revenge and accepted him time and time again. I still need him to explain me. I know, but I can only pretend not to know..."

"Qinglin said something to me, and I suddenly thought of Qin Haoyu's words, and thought of myself in my dream. I should forget it, should I? But seeing Zheng Yang come back with the vegetables, looking at Zheng Yang's eyes Emotions, I said those words unconsciously. I hope I won't regret it. But I know, I probably like Zheng Yang..."

Zheng Yang was crying and laughing, his eyes were reluctant to move away from the last sentence, his master said he liked him.Even if he is so unwilling, even if he is imprisoned in disguise, his master is still willing to like him after knowing what he has done, or like him without knowing it.

"You are so warm..." Your tenderness contrasts with my filthiness. It is because of your tenderness that I imprison you under the banner of love and block your future. You still like me...

"I'm very happy, very happy... really happy" But why can't I stop crying?why?

"Qin Haoyu died. When I was planning to be with Zheng Yang for real. Listening to that recording, all Qin Haoyu came to my mind. He pulled me out of that Xiaoyao Cave. He told me that he loves me, he Tell me to let go of the past... but I don't know if I'm angry at his death or something else..."

"I looked at Zheng Yang praying and seeing Zheng Yang struggling in front of me. I knew that in addition to the anger and sadness at Qin Haoyu's death, I was more dissatisfied with myself. I was angry at my incompetence, and I was angry at myself for being willing to be hated Trapped in this villa, I am angry at Zheng Yang's control.

While hating Zheng Yang's bondage, he enjoyed the stability Zheng Yang gave him.Immersed in the past while resenting Zheng Yang's mistakes, this is probably just being a whore and wanting to set up an archway..."

"no……"

"I still can't bear to see Zheng Yang's bruises, so I can only pretend to be indifferent, so hypocritical. Hypocrite, I take all the real villains. Whether it's Zheng Yang or Qin Haoyu, I have failed..."

"no,"

"I know, but I can only pretend that I don't know...

Maybe I was such a cowardly and selfish person..."

"No, no!" Zheng Yang couldn't help but yelled when he saw the back, and his low voice was sharper than ever before.He seemed to have seen the scene where Cheng Xi wrote these words, and what kind of mood his master had when he wrote these heartbreaking words.

Zheng Yang's tears dripped on the paper, rendering a small patch of ink. He hurriedly wiped the water stains on the paper with his hands, but saw the folds that he had ignored just now.

He caressed the trace that was obviously left by water droplets on it carefully, how painful his master was when he went through this, how painful it was!

He couldn't maintain his squatting posture at all, he knelt weakly on the floor he had just wiped clean over and over again, he pressed the notebook in his hand tightly to his chest, as if hugging its owner.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Zheng Yang growled while maintaining his head down, like a large injured dog.He tightened his grip, "Why, why! It's my fault, obviously it's all my fault, why do you have to bear it! Why do you want to suffer, feel guilty, and think so badly about yourself! Why? ..."

You are obviously the best person in the world, you can have everything, I ruined everything for you, but you still want to struggle because of me, because of my fault...

Zheng Yang slowly fell to the ground, like a boiled shrimp, curled up on the ground, without soul or perception.

Zheng Yang was lying on the floor like this, holding the notebook tightly, muttering sorry every sentence.

Only now did he know what his selfishness had brought to his master, and only now did he know the pain of his master.He indirectly caused Qin Haoyu's death to be painful for his master, who loved him but he still caused him pain.

What did he pay?All he paid was a body, a heart, a pair of knees and a villa.Where is the master?What he paid was a family, so many years of humiliation, freedom and pride, and even the only friend.

What rights does he have, what qualifications does he have...