Can't hold hands

From April to May, and from May to June, the heat and humidity with nowhere to hide is really depressing, and this kind of weather always reminds me of the past.

The time when Lin Jue left that year happened to be such a sweltering heat.

I got up and went to the kitchen, put the soaked mung beans into the casserole, poured water, and put the lid on.

The past and the present are very strange. They are not like water and mung beans, which can be clearly separated. They are mung bean paste without boundaries. They are mixed together, and they cannot be filtered clean.Maybe some memory I should have put in the box of the past, but it was found in the present.

Since when is now?The moment I plug the plug into the socket?Or the breakup I announced to Lin Jue in March?

I'm not a person who likes to ruminate on the past. People and things pass through my mind, and I don't think about them again unless I have to.Memories that are not often remembered, like a faded diary, eventually become a gray piece, leaving only lead gray to emphasize its existence.

This was the case during the two years when Lin Jue left.

What did you do?What about the others?I tried hard to recall, but the world seemed to be soaked in deep water, because it was wrapped in bubbles, it was extraordinarily illusory.

Except for Lin Jue, I can't help but think of him.

Could this memory be a kind of dividing line?

One weekend in June, someone I didn't expect called me.

"Yan Baiyi, can you come out and meet me?"

I was stunned for a while, this voice...it was Sun Xue, that kind of thin and cold voice, with a repressed tone of voice, so special, so even after all these years, I still remember it clearly.

How did she know my phone number?

"Just, I want to talk to you."

chat?What are you talking about?

I didn't speak, and Sun Xue kept silent, urging silently.

I don't know her very well, and I don't know what she thinks of me, but my personal feelings about this woman are very complicated.

I don't like her, not only because of the fact that she took Lin Jue to a party and took drugs, but I actually don't like her as a person.

I don't like people who pride themselves on depravity, and never have, for whatever reason.

In the end it was I who spoke,

"What time?"

She seems to be sure that I will agree to her. Sun Xue knows that I don't like her, but she is more sure that I don't hate her either, I can't hate her.

Compared with liking and disliking, my attitude towards her is more of a wait-and-see, with curiosity and maybe a little admiration, although I don't want to admit it.

Sun Xue is willing to degenerate, but she has always been sober, she is not far away from reality because of happiness, she is just too painful.

Inescapable pain.

If I like women, I may fall in love with her.

"Tomorrow evening."

Sun Xue’s voice is still cold, reminding me of her, first of all I have to admit that she is beautiful, but unfortunately there is almost no smile on her face, and the gloom imprinted on the soul; her words are cold, her face is always pale, giving people With a cold and painful image.

"Row."

Tomorrow and Sunday, I hung up the phone and went to the kitchen to turn down the heat. What would Sun Xue want to talk to me about?I couldn't help thinking about this question, the relationship between me and Sun Xue is really delicate, what can I talk about between her and me?

Gee.

Whatever, she's not a monster.

I decided to take a bath first and come out in 10 minutes, just in time to put rock sugar in mung bean paste.

The place Sun Xue agreed upon was a bar. When I went there, I immediately saw a straight, dark woman sitting at the bar and chatting with the bartender.

"Sun Xue?"

I'm not sure about shouting.

She turned around with a cigarette in her hand, smoky makeup, flat chest, slender figure, dark purple suspender skirt, which made her face paler, and the tattoo on her left shoulder continued to her forearm.

I didn't misunderstand the person. Sun Xue has hardly changed from back then. She is beautiful, but she is still the kind of person who can tell that this person is unhealthy at first glance.

Mentally and physically sick, it's heart-wrenching to watch.

But she is now more decadent than before, giving me a feeling that she is about to disappear.

"Yan Baiyi"

She nodded to me, her voice was cold, and she laughed again in a blink of an eye.

"You really haven't changed at all."

Unpleasant evaluation.

"What are we talking about here?"

I glanced at the environment. Although it was a clear bar, the area around the bar was not a place for conversation. Sun Xue put out the cigarette in the ashtray.

I couldn't help but sigh again, good-looking people look good in every way.

"Then go to the booth, I don't care..."

She stood up and walked forward, I was a little scared, Sun Xue was really too thin.

"Don't follow? Handsome guy?"

The bartender suddenly leaned over and said to me ambiguously, his eyes were focused on my face, this man...

I narrowed my eyes and glanced at his face sideways. He was young, with blond hair, and he also had a deep mixed face.

He reminds me of Lin Jue.

I raised my eyebrows, slowly raised the corners of my mouth, tapped my lips with my fingers, and said softly,

"Handsome, I like you like this."

He probably didn't expect that I would flirt back, he was stunned for a moment, I ignored him, got up and walked in Sun Xue's direction.

"You broke up with Lin Jue?"

"……Um."

"I heard what Han Hui said."

She took the initiative to explain to me, but I had more questions. I haven't been able to contact Han Hui for the past few months. How did she get in touch with her?

"I went to her in May," Sun Xue shrugged, "I asked her if you two broke up, and she called me an idiot, so I knew you broke up."

"So? You want to be with Han Hui again?"

The bartender at the bar brought us two glasses of wine, red and orange, beautiful liquid like flames.

"Enthusiasm, please use it slowly."

He smiled at me, and I saw his dark blue earrings.

"This man wants to ask you out."

After the bartender walked away, Sun Xue didn't answer my question.

"Are you interested in him?"

She took a sip of her wine, licked her lips, and said,

"His appearance is a bit like Lin Jue when he was young..."

"Does this have anything to do with you?" I interrupted her, the first time I had a face-to-face conversation with her alone, and I never knew she was such a self-righteous person.

Sun Xue was quiet for a few seconds, leaned back with her upper body stretched, and her eyes, which were finally stained with a little smile, instantly became deserted again.

"There is no relationship. I didn't come to see you today because of Han Hui. I just wanted to see you."

Sun Xue inadvertently hooked her lips,

"Although we had little communication in the past, I always feel that you understand me."

I froze, not knowing how to respond to her words.

Get to know her.I do know her and I really appreciate this person.

I listen to Lin Jue's albums, from the beginning when they were in the band, to the forced disbandment of the band because of touching sensitive words, and now the bands are going solo, I have been following them all the time.

Some people say that there is only awaken, but no Lin Jue. This sentence is not unreasonable.

At least it is recognized that awaken has been around for six years and has released three albums in total, but the influence of these three albums cannot be compared to the two albums released by Lin Jue after his solo career.

Sun Xue wrote more than half of the lyrics for the first three colleges. Although Sun Xue left when the third college was out, she still asked her to fill in several lyrics.

Lin Jue couldn't write that kind of wild and sharp language, but full of tension and imagination. He can write this style of music, but such words are too difficult to write. Lin Jue's language sensitivity is not as good as that of Sun Xue. .

Her lyrics and music by Lin Jue are a perfect match, and they are also crazy.

"Are you still writing lyrics?"

I took a sip of wine in disguise.

"Sometimes I write, but rarely, words can't express my things at all."

There was pain in Sun Xue's eyes. She seemed to be trapped by something, such as a cage and fishing net.

"I can't find a way to vent," she didn't want to mention this again, "I came today just to tell you, don't break up with Lin Jue."

what?

I suspect that I heard it wrong. Is Sun Xue really here to be a lobbyist?The point is that she is not this kind of person at all, how could Lin Jue persuade her?

Threats and lures, good words and bad words are like farting to Sun Xue.

"It's not because of Lin Jue. I can't even count as friends with him. I won't help him. He treats me the same way."

Although Sun Xue looked at me, her eyes didn't seem to be on me. Her eyes were very shallow, as if they were out of focus.

"Your heart is painful, so you need someone you love, you need Lin Jue."

I wanted to refute, but in the end I didn't say anything. I don't need to prove to Sun Xue what kind of person I am, and I always understand that people will refute, and it is very likely that they will be poked in the foot.

"Your connection with the world is weak, you don't care about anything, you don't care about liking or disliking, you treat almost everyone the same, very similar to me, that's why I want to tell you, I don't want you to follow in my footsteps."

At this time, she looks like a 34-year-old.

"We can live without those who love us, but we can't lose those we love. I have especially felt this way in recent years."

The alcohol in the bar is strong, leaving only a light and shadow in front of my eyes.

"Who is the person you love?" I asked her. If she said it was Han Hui, I would definitely laugh at her, but Sun Xue just shook her head without answering.

"I have no ideals, and I can't fight for something. My heart is higher than the sky, and I don't want to take life itself as the center of my life." Sun Xue lowered her head and smiled, "I should have a belief, really, but long-term education has made me Became a materialist."

"Only love people."

"It's not that your heart is higher than the sky, it's just pure arrogance." I looked at her, and felt that she was as white as a ghost. "Most people in this world are centered on life itself. Live better."

"Can you?"

For the first time, her gaze became serious.

"can."

"Can?"

"..."

I stood up and wanted to leave.

"Yan Baiyi, I hope you have the courage to keep saying yes."

Sun Xue's pale face that day, and the dark purple suspender skirt formed the last impression of her in my mind - she was sitting on the sofa in the bar, and the background music was suicideispainless.

A week later, Han Hui told me that Sun Xue committed suicide.

The author has something to say: This chapter is a bit messy, please change it later...