almost lonely

Put your hands under the running water, the water is very cold, and soon your fingers will be sore and numb from the cold.

Xu Ye frowned and closed the water: "It's okay, Jue Lan." Ning Juechen slowly withdrew his hand, the chill started from the fingertips, quickly flowed through the whole body and poured into the heart.He shivered, moved his lips and repeated inaudibly: "Juelan...?"

Ning Juechen hadn't gotten used to the name of the body, and Xu Ye couldn't react to calling him like that, so those cruel memories rushed to come up.This "jue lan" sound, together with those on the night of the college entrance examination, and those on the phone during the car accident, fell down like a rain of arrows, and when they passed through the heart, each feather brought out a hot star. heartache.

When the blood dries up, the heart dies.

Ning Juechen changed into the isolation gown, put on shoe covers, and walked into the ward under Xu Ye's gaze.He followed the nurse all the way inside. Even Ning Juechen's eyes were frozen, but from the corner of his eye, he could still see the patients wearing hospital gowns on both sides of the hospital bed.There was a dead silence in the ward, and the ticking sound of the left and right instruments was particularly clear, so clear that it was a bit penetrating.

Although it is very disrespectful to doctors and nurses to say this, for a few seconds Ning Juechen really unconsciously thought of those weird laboratories in horror movies, and he was like an experiment that was forced to walk towards his own destiny step by step. body.

Ning Juechen finally saw his own body, "he" was lying upright on the innermost hospital bed, his chest hardly rose and fell, he didn't look like a living thing at all.The body in front of him was extremely thin, as thin as paper, like a withered shriveled plant.

"He" was covered with criss-crossing tubes, connected to large and small instruments, his complexion was lifeless and pale, a sutured wound stretched exaggeratedly from the right forehead to the center of the eyebrow, his eyes were tightly closed, sharp The thin lower half of his face seemed to be completely covered by the mask of the ventilator.

Ning Juechen's eyes turned black for a while, and he felt his head spinning.It seemed that all the strength in his body had been drained, his legs were almost limp and he fell to the ground, he finally managed to hold on, bent over and touched the edge of the chair and sat down.

It was as cold as being pressed into the bone-chilling water, fine sweat seeped out from every pore, Ning Juechen felt like a towel that was tightly strangled, and his whole body was about to collapse.

—If it is me lying there, what am I?

——Where is Lu Juelan?is he here

- What am I now? !

——What should I do if that "I" dies?

——Then I...will die too?

Ning Juechen stared at the hand in front of him, his skin was so pale that he could see the intertwined blue blood vessels underneath, and the extremely familiar butterfly-shaped scar on his wrist.He couldn't help shaking violently, the sound of his teeth clicking together and the sound of the chair being bumped against the floor by him overlapped, getting denser and louder.The nurse frowned and looked at him. Ning Juechen stood up before she could remind her, and fled in a stumble.

He met Xu Ye who was waiting at the door. Xu Ye seemed to be frightened by his performance and asked him what was wrong.Ning Juechen opened his hand at once and rushed into the bathroom at the end of the corridor. His eyes were blurred and he couldn't see anything. He grabbed his chest and struggled to breathe, but he just panted in vain, like a stranded fish.His throat was filled with the nausea and suffocation brought about by extreme panic, and he bent down to grab the sink and vomited in a daze.

Ning Juechen walked out of the bathroom dripping wet, his body was covered in sweat, and his face was dripping with water.It happened that Xu Ye had just come out of the ward, and while taking off his isolation suit, he asked Ning Juechen, "Would you like to go down and smoke a cigarette?" Ning Juechen didn't speak, and stood there for a while, and finally followed.

There was an open space outside the back door of the hospital. Xu Ye stood outside the door and lit a cigarette. He half turned around and handed the cigarette case to Ning Juechen for shaking.

It was originally cloudy today, but it suddenly cleared up in the afternoon. The sunset glow in the sky is as beautiful as an oil painting, with large groups of orange clouds against the purple sky behind, like the cover of "The Kite Runner".Xu Ye smoked silently, his fluffy eyelashes drooped, and the corners of his mouth finally slowly collapsed.

He just stood against the light, like a sad silent film.

In the past so many years, Ning Juechen has looked up and stared at this silhouette and this person countless times.Xu Ye was always arrogant in front of him, so that Ning Juechen felt that Xu Ye in front of him was very strange.

Why did that fragile, sad, and painful expression appear on Xu Ye's face?The answer was for him, for his body lying there half dead.

It's so interesting that Xu Ye will have a day when his emotions are swayed by him.

This kind of thinking has been Ning Juechen's wishful thinking and fantasy for many years. He once hoped that even once, Xu Ye's smile or frown was because of him.Now that Xu Ye can put down his body and cry for him like this, it can be regarded as a dream come true for many years, no matter how you think about it, he earned it, right?

Ning Juechen lifted the corners of his mouth mockingly, but was so stiff that he couldn't even squeeze out a wry smile.How much he longed for this "care" before, but now he hates it so much.Every ounce of Xu Ye's concern for that body turned into a sharp knife, slowly picking away the skin and bones from his body.

It turns out that you really won't see me until I'm about to die.

It wasn't until the words came out that Ning Juechen realized what he said: "Is he dying soon?" He really couldn't say his name as if nothing had happened, so he could only use "he" to refer to it.Of course, both Xu Ye and Ning Juechen knew who this "he" was.Xu Ye's face turned pale, and his expression turned ugly: "Don't talk nonsense!"

Ning Juechen continued with a blank expression: "Isn't it? With his appearance just now, do you think he can still wake up?" Xu Ye became angry, and shouted like a warning: "Lu Juelan!" Ning Juechen said It seems that he is not afraid of him at all: "Don't deceive yourself, he is dying."

Xu Ye shook his head lightly when he heard the words, he was saying something, Ning Juechen saw that his mouth was repeating two words - no.Ning Juechen raised his hand and stroked from his forehead to the center of his eyebrows: "And did you see the wound on the face, it was cut from here to here."

To be honest, there is no such thing as no regrets in this world, it is nothing more than someone willing to swallow resentment, remorse and blood alone.Now he doesn't want to.

Ning Juechen felt that he must be like a venomous snake spitting out the letter crazily now, he couldn't stop talking like this, his mind went blank, he just numbly pursued the sinful and distorted pleasure that surged from the bottom of his heart .But every word and every word he said stabbed Xu Ye at the same time, all of them came back to stab himself.

Finally Xu Ye gave him a hard punch, then crouched down holding his head in pain, and said very softly: "He will wake up..." I don't know whether to say it to himself or to "Lu Juelan" in front of him "Listen.Ning Juechen wiped the scalding nosebleed, and said three words lightly: "He is dead."

Brother Yi, do you know that your heart is like ashes?This is not an exaggeration, to that extent, you can really feel how the spark in your heart is extinguished bit by bit.

In the end, I was in so much pain that I couldn't bear to let go of my phone, and there was a lot of blood.In fact, I am quite afraid of death, because if I die, I will never see you again.Ashamed to say, my last thought was to hear your voice, to hear you call me Chenchen once.

But you didn't, I was dead from that moment on.

The two hadn't seen each other for more than half a month after they broke up that day.After Ning Juechen was discharged from the hospital, he didn't go there again. He didn't dare to visit his body lying there, and he didn't want to see Xu Ye either.

He spends a lot of time with Lu Juelan's fiancée, just worrying about playing Lu Juelan every day is enough to exhaust him, and he has no energy to think about other things.Ning Juechen found the records in Lu Juelan's mobile phone. The sister-in-law's name is Xu Tingya, and Lu Juelan called her Xiaoya. The two have been living together for three months.

Except for Chen Yuhong, Ning Juechen hardly ever gets along with women for a long time.Even leaving aside the secret of soul wear, it is already extremely difficult for him to suddenly live with a completely strange woman.

On the day of returning home from the hospital, Ning Juechen didn't dare to speak, and was so nervous that he broke out in a cold sweat. Xu Tingya was very worried when he saw his look so bad, and offered to let him rest at home for a few more days, and then go back to work after a while.Ning Juechen felt relieved, if he went to Lu Juelan's company, he might not be able to survive the first day and would be exposed in front of everyone.

Xu Tingya was originally going to stay at home to take care of him, but Ning Juechen persuaded her to leave, saying that she was fine but dizzy and wanted to sleep, Xu Tingya was skeptical, and confirmed to him again and again: "Juelan, there is really nothing wrong, right? Let's go to the hospital again?" Ning Juechen shook his head, wondering if he showed a guilty expression.

During the day when Xu Tingya was away, Ning Juechen carefully looked at and memorized the layout and location of things at home. He had accidentally exposed his unfamiliarity with the house several times.

For example, when the temperature dropped in the first few days, Xu Tingya asked him to go to the guest room to get the duvet. He hesitated to open the door, but Xu Tingya's voice came from behind: "Juelan? Why are you going to the storage room? The guest room is here... "For example, I can't find the remote control of the air conditioner, I don't know how to turn on the water heater, I forget the power-on password of the computer, etc.

Once Ning Juechen heard Xu Tingya calling on the balcony, mentioning things like "amnesia" and "car accident". They should have called the attending doctor. Ning Juechen suddenly felt terrified.

Xu Tingya will be back soon tonight