In waiting of Viel

——There have been more than one dreams in which Al appeared.

The cause is unknown.

In a dream I often have recently.

He's like leaving my heart in LA.

The phone fell to the ground when I was not paying attention.

The cracks on the screen slowly spread, and the cracks spread under the screen like waves.

That's the inner tide.To place oneself in the gap between madness and sanity, unable to breathe, unable to discern.

It has long been difficult to distinguish whether it is a dream or reality.

The terrible thing is that I have become accustomed to it.

Hallucinations and auditory hallucinations occur with increasing frequency in real life.

Sometimes I hear a familiar voice suddenly, but I can't make out what he is saying, but recently this voice has become clearer.

He kept repeating several familiar and unfamiliar scales, and finally turned into two clear words, and his voice kept repeating: Wait for me.

wait for me.

Who are you waiting for?

wait for me.

wait me back.

Wait until you think of me.

At that time, what I was thinking in my heart was not why such absurd auditory hallucinations appeared, but I kept thinking about one thing: Is it possible, I can't wait for that moment.

A sense of utter detachment separated me.

loco.Not loco.

But dreams are more real than reality, and a thought suddenly flashed in my mind, dreams are real, and reality is false.

Every move in the dream, the experience in the dream, erodes me all the time, as if swallowing myself hysterically.Then fell into unfathomable darkness.

I hate myself deeply.

Alfred.

Alfred.

Alfred, that's what I called that person in my dream.

lover?Or the ex?

Alfred.

Opening his mouth unconsciously, he called out his name.That was the name of the person who was living with me repeatedly in the dream, and I didn't know how many times I called it.

Al hugged me from behind.Bury your head on my neck and shoulders.

I love you.

I love you.

I like you too, Alfred whispered in my ear.

I like you too... Alfred.The repeated tone became cloudy.

Alfred marks my neck and shoulders.

Because of the excitement, there was a large flush on the neck.I felt my ears congest.

shudder.

The dream came to an abrupt end.

The lover in the dream also disappeared.

Think back to the dream while washing.

It feels like Alfred will hug him from behind at any time.

But no.

Alfred was in the dream, not here.

"wait for me."

Because of tinnitus, I beat my ears hard.

My intuition tells me that someone is watching me.

My every move is like being spied on by someone. Only when I live alone can I have such a sensitive and terrifying sense of security. It turns out that persecution paranoia really exists in reality.

The self who has become more and more neurotic, and the self who hopes Alfred will appear more and more, is it already hopeless?

For a moment, it seemed to hear the sound of the mainspring of the machine breaking down.

Then I saw the alarm clock that fell to the ground.

Hallucinations?

Still, he has fallen into madness.

Alfred, calling his name softly.

The subconscious told me he would show up, but not now.

I might be going crazy.

The number of mind-wandering increases, and you will start thinking about things aimlessly.Including Alfred.

There was cramping in the abdomen, and the stomach disease caused by irregular eating. I didn't pay attention to it at first, but it became more and more serious later.

Sometimes it's much better to take medicine, but recently it has become a little bit worse, but I don't want to go to the hospital.

When will I die?And what do you think about when you die?

I have thought about such things before, if possible, I want to die in front of the person I like, that will leave the deepest impression on that person.

In this way, the people I like will always remember me.

I don't know if that person could be Alfred.

But I would like to live longer if possible.

Gradually, I heard more than just one voice.

There were other, strange sounds.

An emotionless, machine-like voice.

"Please tell me what you want to achieve." Although honorifics were used, there was still no intimacy in the voice.

Met Alfred, no, with Alfred.

In late autumn, my hands and feet will be cold. I have always been like this since I was a child. I clumsily retract my hands into my sleeves, and then take them out when it is not so cold.

Until he lost feeling in his feet, he was still alone.

I don't turn on the heating, because I think it's too extravagant. My freelancer's income from writing and painting can probably cover food and clothing, plus water and electricity bills, leaving only a small part.

Only at this time did I accidentally yearn for the warmth of being hugged by Al in my dream.

That has never been a kind of trouble, it is what I hope.

I hope that Alfred exists, and I hope that someone can accept such a twisted self, even if it will accelerate my own exhaustion, because there is nothing worthy of my nostalgia.

-

Dreamed of dating Alfred together.

So good, the cake is sweet.

And kisses with him too.

What about after waking up?

Slowly I began to look for Alfred in reality, but I couldn't find it, it was just a way to comfort myself.

Those blue eyes.

and a reassuring embrace.

Before I even realized it, I started obsessing unconsciously.

Today I also ate the cake alone, but it was not as sweet as in my dream, maybe it was because there was not enough whipped cream.

Or there is no one around.

I hope more and more that Al exists in the world I live in.

But he was also afraid of whether Al would accept himself like this.

"Wait for me." There was a sudden sound in his ear.

Well, Alfred, I'll wait for you.

Another dream.

Go book shopping with Al.

I couldn’t find the book I wanted to read, so I stood on the top shelf of the bookshelf, tiptoed to reach it but still couldn’t reach it, Alfred standing beside me saw this, and gently helped me take the book down .

I looked at Al with some embarrassment, and took it a little bit unconvinced.

Al smiled and patted my head, then leaned over and took my lips.

"Well..." The sudden kiss made me a little unresponsive. I could push Al away, but Al hugged me even tighter.

"We'll do it when we get home," Al said, letting me go.

Um?My mind went blank, and my face turned red when I understood what he meant.

"Idiot." I said shyly.

Why did my heartbeat suddenly become so fast, how could I know this kind of thing all at once?

Just like Al's kiss, the warm touch is vivid.

It's strange, actually feel the temperature of the lips.

And the warmth of Alfred's embrace.

And my heart that is gradually being warmed.

Hope to be with Alfred forever.

Before losing Alfred, before losing his own life.

The author has something to say: This is the introduction