too embarrassing

"I accuse you of ignoring love, blindly escaping, and being obedient, and I sentence you to be lonely for life."

- Sagan

After leaving the teacher's house, Niu Keqing went home directly.

At dusk, twilight like dead leaves swept across the entire city, and the dark yellow sunset shrouded the entire sky like a breath of despair.

When he got home downstairs, Guifenin was waiting for him again.

"Doctor Niu," the man whose face was pale from the cold stepped forward, put his hands in the pockets of his coat, and pulled him tightly.

Seeing it was him, Niu Keqing was slightly surprised, but the next moment, he felt that he didn't want to face this person.

He had just come out of the collapsed state, and he could no longer overdraw his mood, "I'm very tired, so let's talk about it another day."

Too many things have happened recently, and his mental strength is no longer enough.

But Guifenin couldn't wait any longer. He held on to his reason and pretended to be a calm negotiator, "I want to start over with you."

"What to start? We have already separated," Niu Keqing didn't want to fall into this endless loop again.

Guifenin suppressed the surge in his heart, his jawline was tense, and said to him: "As long as we can maintain that relationship as before, I can compromise anything."

He thought he could be a segregated person, isolated from his emotions forever, but now he stepped out of the segregation circle and stepped into a strange field.

Lost, in order to get rid of fear and bewilderment, he chose to hold on to Niu Keqing tightly.

"Compromise..." Niu Keqing asked him wearily, "Then do you like me?"

"Why do you always ask this kind of question?!"

"Because that's all I care about!"

Amidst the high-pitched quarrel, the two suddenly fell silent.

They held their breath and looked at each other, their eyes piercing each other's eyeballs like two sharp arrows.

Tiredness, loneliness, loneliness, and not getting what one wants, Niu Keqing can bear them all, but he cannot accept love being used.

The other party doesn't like him, but continues to use him to vent their desires. Isn't this a kind of inhuman torture?

The teacher is right, he should love himself.

The situation was a bit tense, and Guifenin gave in first, "I apologize if what happened that night made you unhappy. I drank too much at that time, so..."

The man raised his hand and wanted to touch Niu Keqing's face, but the other person turned his head away and said, "Don't play dumb, you know it's not because of that."

His subconscious avoidance was noticed by the other party. Gu Yifenin pressed his tongue against his cheek and withdrew his hand tactfully. The only softness left in his eyes disappeared.

"Keqing, maybe for you, love is a kind of dispensable thing, but for me, love is a kind of thing that is best not to have. Can you understand?"

Doctor Niu nodded, then shook his head, "I can understand, I can understand, but I can't accept it."

For some reason, Dr. Gu felt a little wronged at this moment.

In the "History of Love" over the past ten years, he played with flowers, always using "Love is a burden" as his motto, and using it as a weapon, he came and went freely on the "battlefield".

He never thought about understanding what love is, and he didn't know how to talk about love without sex. For him, love is a book without words.

"Niu Keqing, I don't know how to love someone at all. Do you want to give selflessly? Do you want to take all the responsibilities? Do you want to limit everything for the other person? What should I do when you are sad? When you are angry, I must Coax? How do we accommodate each other when we live together? How do we resolve conflicts?"

The man couldn't solve this problem no matter what, he was anxious and at a loss: "I don't understand all of this."

Desire is sincere, love is pious.It's a pity that Dr. Gu, who has always been used to walking the kidneys but not the heart, can't distinguish the two...

He doesn't have the concept of loving someone, or maybe he does, but it's very vague, like looking at flowers in a fog.

Niu Keqing looked at him like this, and really wanted to say: It doesn't matter if you don't understand, as long as I understand, let me love you.

But these words were stuck in his throat, and he couldn't get them out, because he suddenly realized that he didn't seem to be that great.

Nine out of ten saints are hypocrites. How many can be truly selfless in front of love? How long can a unilateral love last?

Seeing his silence for a long time, Guifenin became anxious, "Did you understand what I said? I said, I don't know how to love someone."

Niu Keqing said to him: "I understand, I know how to love people."

At this moment, Guifenin heard a muffled sound in his heart.

He understands, he loves me.

Niu Keqing said again: "But, I don't want to love you anymore."

Guifenin was stunned, and his heart rang a second time muffled.

He said he didn't want to love me anymore.

like?what is love

Love is like water and fire, it can have countless forms: heartbeat, dependence, need, giving, hurt, longing, jealousy, possessiveness...

Everyone's love has different ways of expression and psychological dynamics, rather than cookie-cutter love and enthusiasm.

As a person who has never loved before, what kind of form is Dr. Gu's love?

He didn't even think about this question, so he said to Niu Keqing, "Then, I love you."

A plain and straightforward sentence, without any truth, without any real meaning, just a lie to leave someone behind.

Like... on terms.

It seemed that he had to make a compromise in order to keep a person he couldn't live without, to keep a necessity in life.

Niu Keqing only felt that this sentence was unpleasant.

For a moment, he was delighted when the other party said the word "love", but in the next second he felt that the other party loved not him, but just having sex with him. The feeling of love is only desire, not the object of desire.

"And then?" Niu Keqing even persuaded himself, with the last hope left, maybe he can endure and wait, and he can try to love him first...

"Then," the man's blue eyes lit up like a devil, as if he saw a glimmer of hope that could be absorbed, "stay with me, and be with me like before..."

His heart twitched, Niu Keqing gritted his teeth and asked him, "Like before?"

Seeing the other party's tear-wet eyes, Guifenin slid his dry Adam's apple, and no longer knew how to express himself clearly: "We can... we can have sex like before. Love... is okay. …”

Unable to calm down anymore, Niu Keqing interrupted him excitedly: "You said you love me too because you want to sleep with me? Is the word 'love' really so cheap?"

The quarrel broke out again, they were like two repelling magnets, they were extremely self-centered, thinking about problems, talking, expressing emotions... all kinds of words and deeds were all about themselves, and they talked with each other in a way that wanted to break everything. dispute.

They've come down a dead end.

Gu Yifenen's eyes were red, and his purpose and possessiveness ate him away, making him ignore him: "Why not, didn't you say you love me? If you love someone, don't you want to sleep with him?"

Niu Keqing was shocked by his selfishness, and said in a trembling voice: "Listen to what nonsense you are talking about. I am not a plug-in board for you to plug in at will! Do you want me to sleep with you willingly and gratefully?" Love you? At least for me...be yourself."

Gu Yifening was taken aback for a moment, his pupils shrank by Niu Keqing's heartbroken look.

There are thousands of things he wants to say in his heart, but none of them mean what the other party said, but in order to win this quarrel, those words that come out of his mouth are all aimed at hurting the other party.

There is something hazy in my heart, and the fog is about to clear, as long as Niu Keqing is willing to give him some time.

"I, I actually," Dr. Gu was eager to express himself, even his breath was flustered, "I...I can learn to love you, try hard...try, force myself ..."

"Persecution?" Niu Keqing's eye sockets were bloodshot, he was choked up, and liquid dripped from the corner of his eyes: "I really love you, what about you? Do you really love me?"

Gu Yverning was speechless, blocked by this question, unable to give an answer for a long time.

Niu Keqing asked one last time: "I don't expect love anymore, what about liking? Do you like me? Just like I like you."

Guifenin was completely dumb.

He didn't know, really didn't know.

Desire can be felt, because the physiological response can give the most straightforward feedback, so what about love?How do you know if you love it or not?

Is love passion or affection?Is it dopamine or a hormone?Is it the extreme desire to tie the other party back now?

Niu Keqing stared at him for a long time, feeling that the man in front of him was really beautiful, unbelievably beautiful, his skin was so beautiful, like a finely carved plaster statue.

But for no reason, he thought of a sentence——

Gold and jade are beyond...

"You don't speak anymore," Niu Keqing just wanted to tell the truth, but it was so difficult: "Even if you give me a negative answer, how can you not speak?"

Silence will not solve any problems at all, it will only make the misunderstanding develop to the point where it cannot be misunderstood.

Gu Yifenen and him are not on the same channel at all, "What do you want to hear? Don't you just want to hear a word like it? Are these two words so important?"

"Yes! It's very important. Nothing can match the importance of these two words!" Niu Keqing said stubbornly.

Gu Yifening was furious, and he no longer knew whether he was speaking in anger or the truth, "Okay, I like you! Niu Keqing, I said I like you, is that okay?!"

He said the word "like" disdainfully and humiliatingly, as if it was the cheapest thing in the world, and he would be cast aside every time he said it.

There is dust in the wind, dirty and humble, suspended in every corner of this expanding world, just like the so-called love in the world.

There are dead branches under the tree, decayed and decayed, quietly melting into the soft and dark gray soil, like the love in a man's heart.

"You don't like me, you like to sleep with me. You don't love me, you like physical pleasure."

Niu Keqing smiled self-deprecatingly, turned and left.

At dusk, Gu Yifenen stood there in a daze for a long time, staring at Niu Keqing's back, and for the first time tasted the sadness that was so cold in his heart.

That person walked away step by step in front of him, determined not to look back, but he just stood there doing nothing, neither chasing nor shouting, letting that person leave him from then on.

"I, I'm not..." He murmured blankly.

Suddenly, the clear blue in the man's eyes disappeared and was replaced by a terrifying scarlet.He became angry from embarrassment, and yelled at Niu Keqing's back: "Since you want to abandon me, why did you insist on me in the first place! Why did you pretend to love me so much?!"

However, Niu Keqing ignored him at all, and had no strength to talk to him anymore.

He remembered that Guifenin had said that he was like a bird—a quezar, a bird whose life was freedom.

From the moment he was tempted, he, the bird, was already locked in a cage, and could no longer fly freely until the person said "like" with hypocrisy...

His heart died in an instant.

Gu Yvening shouted hoarsely, with a ferocious face, like a lunatic in distress: "Niu Keqing, you liar who is full of lies! All the love you said is fake! You are a hypocrite!"

For some reason, when he watched Niu Keqing turn the corner and disappear at the end of the corridor, he suddenly felt his hands trembling, and his whole body was as weak as if he had been hollowed out.

It's like knowing...that person will never return to his world again.

Before meeting Dr. Niu, Dr. Gu's world seemed to be free and colorful, but in fact there was no grass growing, so illusory and lonely, everyone came and left in a hurry.

He doesn't know how to love, and thinks that kind of heart is the most free, but he doesn't know that this is actually a kind of freezing.

Until Niu Keqing appeared, that person was covered with spring and colors, and walked through his heart with warmth and fun, moistening everything silently.

But now as soon as Dr. Niu left, his spring melted again, and the colors dimmed, and he fell back into the severe winter that the other party had rescued him once.

He cried and shouted.

Someone came with a stream of spring water, but was driven away by him.