too embarrassing

"I don't cry, I don't lament, I don't regret, my heart is filled with golden fallen leaves, I am no longer a youth."

- "Ordinary World"

The calmness that he had maintained for the past few days collapsed, and Niu Keqing ran to the riverside in pain, crying loudly into the rushing water, crying hoarsely.

"Ugh..."

Heartbroken cries mixed into the wind, he tore his sore throat, like a desperate vulture, hovering for a long time but could not find a foothold.

Feelings and life were overwhelming him, and his emotions were out of control, fluctuating and declining continuously. He felt that if he went on like this, he would either become depressed or paranoid.

It happened that Gu Yifenen wanted to give him a blow that made things worse.

Niu Keqing walked onto the bridge step by step, squatting weakly at the end of the bridge against the wind, the whole sky was chaotic, dark and cloudy, making him suffocate.

Yes, how could I become like this?

Because of the lack of love, he destroyed himself in longing. All the bright parts of his body have been covered by a rag, covered with dust and dust, covered by the lifeless sunset, and no one wants to get close.

Such a paranoid and crazy self, who is worthy of love?

At this moment, Niu Keqing was really sad.

Heartbroken, tired, heartbroken, his heart is already exhausted, as if he is always hanging on a high cliff, he is so scarred that if he falls, he will be smashed to pieces.

Will it die, this heart?

"Teacher, I can't find myself."

Like a confused and hesitant child, Niu Keqing said to the white-haired old man sitting on the bed.

A few days ago, Niu Keqing's mentor entered the emergency room again, and almost couldn't save him. Niu Keqing's heart was so frightened that he didn't dare to relax for a moment.

He waited hard outside the emergency room, and finally got a good news and a bad news.

The good news is that he was rescued.

The bad news is...the old man doesn't have much time left.

The family members discussed with the doctor that since it was only about ten days, it was better to let the old man finish the rest of the journey at home than to close his eyes in the cold ward.

This is also the wish of the old man himself.

Teacher Deng was taken back home, and then waited every minute for the arrival of death.A life that Niu Keqing cherishes so much entered the countdown.

As a student, Niu Keqing wanted to spend more time with this mentor who had not had many days. During this time, whenever he got off work, he would rush to Teacher Deng's house.

"Teacher, I still have a lot of things I don't understand, not only medical knowledge, but also life, society, and many, many things I don't understand. Can you... don't leave."

Obviously, Niu Keqing should smile more at the people of Sunset and Xishan. As long as he is in front of the teacher, he can hardly hide his fragility and sadness, and he will always be like the fledgling young man in college.

He wished he could tell the teacher all his sorrows and grievances, and let the teacher guide him and solve his doubts, even if it was just acting like a baby.

"I've taught you enough." The old man's face was haggard, and Zeng's piercing eyes were clouded. "The teacher can't accompany you for the rest of your life. You have to walk the road ahead by yourself."

"Myself? But..." Niu Keqing lay in the old man's arms, tears gradually falling, "Teacher, I can't find myself anymore."

Doctor Niu, who has always been proud and independent, seems to have become a maggot that depends on others to live. He can't get out, his soul is trapped, and his corruption, chaos, and even his heart will be boiled to death.

Only the teacher is his light, so Niu Keqing can't accept it, "Teacher, you usually insist on morning exercises, eat healthy and light meals, go to bed early and wake up early, and have a good attitude. Why can't you live a long life? Why..."

The old man was not afraid of his own death, but felt sorry for his sorrow, "Silly boy, sometimes life is so unfair."

Niu Keqing lay beside the old man's bed, and the white sheets were wet with tears, "But I can't bear you, without you, I will face difficult days in the future, how can I survive?"

Adults always have their own sufferings, so they need some sustenance and some support in order to cheer up and live a good life.

For Niu Keqing, Teacher Deng is a lighthouse in his life, a pinnacle of calming the sea, and his greatest adhesion.

"There will be someone else to accompany you," the teacher gently touched his head, and said in a gentle voice, "You will definitely meet the right person to accompany you on the journey."

correct person?

Niu Keqing immediately thought of that person.

In an instant, his eyes were full of loneliness, like a dusty window sill, and he said: "I met you. He is right for me; but I am wrong for him. Teacher, that is the person Made me lose myself."

"You love her very much, right?" The old man thought Niu Keqing liked a woman.

Niu Keqing nodded, "Well, I love it, but I also hate it."

But in fact, he hated himself more.

It was obvious that I made mistakes first, but because I couldn't satisfy my selfishness, I kept digging into the horns, and even developed a desire to hurt that person, making the situation what it is today.

The afterglow of the setting sun filled the old man's wrinkles, and he said slowly, "Silly boy, you can fall in love with anyone, but first, you have to love yourself."

At the end of his life, those old things are always very clear. Mr. Deng recalled the past to Niu Keqing: "I remember, 20-year-old Keqing was a high-spirited young man, like a riveting calf. At that time You love yourself very much."

The old man was very impressed when he remembered the first contact with this child.

The student walked into his office with a full-score homework, and asked him modestly and politely: "Mr. Deng, can you help me see how this case can be improved?"

The teacher looked at it for a long time, and Niu Keqing's answer written on it was undoubtedly correct. Of course, there is a more efficient way, but it is not something an undergraduate needs to master.

"You've done a good job," he said with a smile.

Wearing a pair of thick glasses, the young man said stubbornly: "I can do better. The better I am, the more patients I can help out of pain in the future."

At that time, Mr. Deng knew that a student like Niu Keqing, even if he was not a talented player, would one day shine.

But now, that once proud young man has lost his sharpness. Day after day, pressure and years envelop him, smoothing all his edges and corners.

He will no longer demand how to do a better homework with a perfect score, but as long as he is qualified, because he is too tired and has no more energy to consume.

These were all seen by his teacher.

With tears in his eyes, the old man caressed Niu Keqing's hair with his hands like dead sticks, his wrinkled chin trembled: "The teacher's favorite student, he was finally eaten by life."

Niu Keqing couldn't take it anymore with a plain sentence, and collapsed instantly.

"Teacher, I've worked so hard... It's hard to be an adult, it's hard to live hard, it's hard to love without love..."

The man put his head in the teacher's arms and wept loudly, like a child seeking protection, weeping unscrupulously.

What are you crying for?

He didn't know, probably because these years were too tiring, it hurt too much to lose his former self, and it was too bitter not to get a response from the one he loved.

Everything squeezed together squeezes the grown-up down.

Niu Keqing clutched his pair of glasses tightly in his hands, as if tightly grasping all the rules and regulations that had surrounded him all these years, "I shouldn't be like this... Teacher, I don't know myself anymore. …”

Why doesn't he want to break the reality and be more free and easy, but life cannot be controlled by him, and he doesn't even have time to care about depression and fragility, so he can only try his best to stabilize his emotions above a water level.

Now the long-accumulated flood has risen up, crossed this water level, and washed away the dam.

"Cry, cry," the old man raised his trembling hands and patted his back lightly, "It's okay, good boy, the teacher is here."

Niu Keqing cried even louder: "I'm so tired, so tired, so tired...I, I don't want to be an adult, I can't take it anymore..."

Guyvernin always said that he was "fake refinement" and "fake prudence", but he was not wrong at all.

Niu Keqing has always regarded these two masks as a protective shell, like a snail hiding in a round shell, so as to avoid the storms and waves from the society to the greatest extent.

Carrying a shell, how tiring.The man's tears kept pouring out, like a kind of sacrifice: "I can't hold it anymore... Woo... Teacher, I really can't hold it anymore..."

The Niu Keqing who lived freely, wantonly and transparently has died, died in the toil of life, died in the impermanence of life, and died in the love that cannot be asked for.

The old man hugged him lovingly, comforting the child like a kind father, "Teacher knows you are very tired, you have worked hard, my good boy."

Niu Keqing really worked hard.

He suddenly understood in hot tears why he had been having sex all these years, why he had to indulge himself in love.

Because only the slight pleasure of making love can make him feel that there is still passion in his life, and can continuously inject freshness into his life, so that he will not live like a rotting corpse.

Is dating bad?OK.

He is greedy for that unorthodox stimulation, and wants to give some oxygen to the oppressive and suffocating life. He wants to use his absurd sensuality to resist, so as to prove that there is still oxygen in his life.

Precisely at this juncture, Gu Yifenen became the straw that took advantage of the vacancy, and was firmly grasped by him.

This funny and gentle Dr. Gu is the most amazing and suitable bed partner he has ever met. Even if gentleness is an illusion and thoughtfulness is a means, all these can relieve Niu Keqing from loneliness, fatigue and stress, and become a His best consolation.

"Doctor Niu, you are the first bedmate I need to coax and please to capture."

"Doctor Niu, I really like you."

"Doctor Niu, do you want to kiss me?"

"I'll never get tired of having sex with you. Love, Keqing."

Who doesn't like those nice words?Who doesn't love that handsome and charming doctor?

However, this straw is life-saving and crushes Niu Keqing.

After experiencing the entanglement and struggle, Guifenin became the final blow to break him, grinding him into a puppet on a string.

That person could even use a few polite and decent words to tear him into pieces and push him into the abyss of death.

"If one day, either of us likes the other, it's time to end."

"It's a big taboo to be passionate, Doctor Niu."

"Niu Keqing, I suddenly feel...you've become boring."

"I think we need a pause between us."

Since then, the unrestrained and proud Dr. Niu has become someone else's puppet, who can easily manipulate him with just a glance or expression.

Niu Keqing's world was completely gloomy.

"Teacher, I'm very tired."

"Some people will rest when they are tired, and some people will continue to move forward when they are tired. What do you think?"

"I...I don't know."

"Think slowly, you are still young."

On this day, Niu Keqing cried for a long time in his teacher's arms, crying all the tears of these years, all the grievances, fatigue, and sadness.

It's like finding a cathartic outlet.

He didn't care how many missed calls he had on his phone.