too embarrassing

"If it is your misfortune that I love you, your misfortune will last as long as mine."

--Shen Congwen

"Dear Doctor Niu:

I didn't write last night, so today should be my 180th day of insomnia.

Good evening Keqing.

I'm having nightmares.

I dreamed that there was an earthquake in your place. I looked for you everywhere, called your name, and finally found you in the ruins.

You were crushed under a stone slab and stretched out a hand to me, all bloody.I reach for you with my hands, but I can't reach it, I feel like the muscles in my arms are tearing apart, but I still can't touch you.

A terrible dream.

I told you that you shouldn't, instead you closed your eyes willfully, which made me wake up from the dream with cold sweat all over my body, just like someone who is seriously ill.

I was scared out of my wits.

Terrible, terrible nightmare.I cried in my dream, and I still cried when I woke up. I never knew I could cry like this, I just felt out of breath.

I almost died of crying until the end, so I smiled, because I was glad that this was just a dream, if it was true, I was afraid it would cost my life.

In fact, this is not the first time.

I am a big man, I have shed more tears in the past six months than before, especially at night, I always become very fragile, completely without my own personality and personality, and my soul is shattered.

I don't know if it's because of insomnia that consumes me, or because of a broken relationship.

I am quite familiar with all kinds of sleeping pills.

As for the wine, I don't taste it very much now, I just drink whichever has the highest alcohol content.

I have always wanted to buy a plane ticket to find you. I could hardly bear it anymore, but when I thought about the many patients waiting for surgery, I calmed down.

Yes, calmness is my essence, I should pick up my reason.

Not self-harm is my greatest reason.

In fact, I am quite normal during the day, at least pretending to be a human being.High work efficiency, eating, breathing, and socializing three meals a day on time, I take it as a task to complete all the things that should be done.

I trained myself like a dog.

This kind of training started early in the morning. During the period when you first left, I forced myself to keep on a normal track, so as not to disrupt the rhythm of life and work.

It's not good at night, night is my concentrated outbreak period, but at least during the day, I can make myself look decent during the day.

This pretense makes me feel bad.

I have something not so good to tell you.

The Cantonese-style supper shop we used to go to has closed down. The boss said that he wants to go back to his hometown to enjoy the blessings of the family. I understand, but it’s a pity.

I am very sorry to see the red paper "Wangpu for rent" pasted on the door. Is my memory with you also closed?

It turns out that there are really too many things in the world that cannot be kept.

Say something nice to you.The day before yesterday was the weekend, I stayed at home for a day, and I cooked a meal for myself, fried an Angus steak, served with the herb sauce I made, it was delicious.

I am confident that you must like it very much.

I also served two sets of cutlery on the table.

If you follow the recipe, I’m really good at cooking, but it’s a pity that you haven’t tasted it yet. We will live together in the future. I will be in charge of cooking, and you will be in charge of eating.

Living together...ah, I'm dreaming again.

I bought a perfume not long ago, it's your kind, the smell of cows eating grass.Clear and light, like rain, grass, dew, very nice smell.

But this kind of perfume is also really hard to find. I have been looking for it for a long time, and I have visited all the big and small shopping malls in this city.

I finally found it, which is a kind of luck.

I don't buy much, just a dozen bottles, and spray it all over the house, so that I feel like you are in every corner of the house.Great, my Keqing is everywhere.

Mistake, I should have bought another watering can, it would be more convenient.

I'm probably going crazy.

But I think this is very good, if you are crazy, you will be crazy, anyway, no one cares about me, and you don't care about me anymore, right?

I also sprayed this perfume on my clothes and quilt, and held it in my arms to smell it, but I sprayed it a little too much, and I sneezed many times.

The smell will be a little strong at first, but after it gradually fades, I feel that it is very similar to your smell. I can't smell it enough, so I have to sniff it and fall asleep.

I went crazy like this for many nights, like a mad dog, sniffing around the whole house, not to mention, I was quite happy.

Will it be a little perverted?

Of course, I’m not always this freaky, and sometimes I’ll do less drastic things to lighten my mood, like putting that bookmark you gave me under my pillow.

I'm living off a bookmark, and the key is so rusted it doesn't seem to work anymore.

In the past, I thought making love was the happiest thing in the world. Yes, making love is very good, but it’s not meaningless to do it with the person I like.

Why do I like having sex with you so much?Because I like you, making love with the person I like is something that I will never get tired of.

Unfortunately, I understand too late.

To be honest, I really hate love, but I long to be addicted forever.

Logically speaking, I am a wise person who weighs the pros and cons of everything and would not easily indulge in one thing, but now I seem to be out of control.

What a pain, this kind of addiction-like thing.

Confidence is my character. I used to think that I would be free and easy for the rest of my life. I had nothing to regret, nothing to think about, but I still got slapped in the face.

But I can go on, because I know that as long as I see you one day in the future, all the pain of this year will be gone again.

Hey, I told you something, don't get angry.

In fact, I'm quite popular. You don't have any ambiguity about being handsome, right?You don't mind if you are big and live well, right?It's all obvious.

As for the character... It's a little bit worse, but I can change it, I can completely accommodate you, I will be whatever you say.

I'm such a good guy, there are all kinds of crazy bees and butterflies swaying in front of my eyes every day, if you don't come back, won't you be afraid that I will be snatched away by others?

Maybe you just don't care anymore.

In fact, I am more afraid. Dr. Niu is so good-looking and knows how to get along with people. There should be many majestic men in Tibet. my share?

I found that my sense of crisis was getting deeper and deeper, and the alarm was beeping.

I'm jealous, change the subject.

Yesterday, I was criticized by Director Liang, saying that my work efficiency suddenly slowed down, and there were a few mistakes in the report. He said that next time this happened again, he would reconsider my recommendation for promotion.

I don't know what's wrong with me. My mind is wandering, probably because I have had a fever for several days, so my head is a little tired.

The last time I had a fever was more than half a year ago. At that time, you took care of me. You made porridge, you put me to sleep, and you were pressed on the bed by me. It hurts.

Oh this incident reminded me, I almost forgot, I haven't apologized to you today.

Keqing, sorry.

Since there is a sentence of sorry, then I love you and I must not forget it.

Keqing, I love you.

I find that everyone you know is crazy, and I'm not kidding you, I'm just telling the truth.

For example, your friend surnamed Qu, he is quite crazy, his face is more stupid than that second idiot on the side of the road, and he always shows off in front of me how good the relationship between you two is.

No matter how good it is to have me with you, how about a fucking laugh.

As I said, the person surnamed Qu and I are at odds.

But one day, I let go of all my face and all my gestures, went to him and asked him if he had any photos of you.

I found that when I was with you, I didn't even take a photo. Without this most important thing in the phone album, it looks very empty.

The one surnamed Qu was very stingy, and only sent me a photo of your back.I am so greedy and alone, I am satisfied.

I can tell from a glance that you took the photo in Tibet. It seems that the sunshine there is very good, the sky is very blue, and the air should be very good.

I don't know why, I obviously didn't see your whole face, but I intuitively feel that you must be smiling.

It's great to have a smile on Dr. Niu's face again.

Relying on this back alone, I came back to life, more effective than stimulants, and I had hope for the next few weeks.

I thought of a word, drinking poison to quench thirst.

But why do you only send it to him and not to me?It's not fair, very unfair.

I obviously want to see your picture more than he does.

Later, I tasted the essence, let go of my dignity again, and begged Qu Jiawen to send me another photo of you.

That's right, I begged, begged him very humbly.Indeed, dignity counts as fart.

He refused to give it to me, and kicked me away like a savage.I told him, buy it with a lot of money.

Money can turn ghosts around. Although I have no conscience, I have money.

The person surnamed Qu has the potential to be a profiteer. He was moved by me and wanted to pay me for five figures, and then sent me a photo of you when you were in college.

This time it is a frontal photo, which is very cost-effective.

This photo is not very clear, hazy, it is quite like the memory of you in my mind, it reminds me of my time in college.

Even though our intersection was very short at that time, your face clearly left traces in my memory.

The alma mater is very beautiful, it is the campus that I share with you, and our first encounter is very beautiful.

I regret that this memory has been vague all these years, and I even left it in a corner.But I was happy again, and this memory suddenly became clear.

There is one more thing that makes me regret, that is, I failed to fall in love with you at first sight, even if I remember you.

Thinking about it, I am more happy than sad, because so many years ago, I was able to hug someone I would like in the future, thank you.

I like this photo very much, I set it as a screen saver, you are very young and beautiful in it.The only bad thing is that you and Qu Jiawen put your arms around each other, looking very familiar.

Nevermind, I painted his face out with a mosaic.

It turned out that it was already three o'clock in the morning, and I wrote a lot of words without knowing it, probably because I have so many things to tell you that I couldn't finish writing.

When I look in the mirror recently, I think that the person in the mirror is disgusting, blue eyes, light hair, thin lips, this is my face.

It must be an ugly face when it rejects your affections.

Am I ugly looking?

I even feel that my brother deserves a spanking too, because his facial features are quite similar to mine, which made me want to slap him a few times when I saw him recently.

I forgot which day it was, and I went to see a movie by myself. The story was very boring, just a bunch of bloody and uncomfortable love scenes.

Only one line of the heroine resonated with me. She said that meeting the hero is worse than eating shit.

Put it on me, I don't know whether meeting you is a good thing or a bad thing, anyway...

It must be a bad thing for you to meet me.

I always think, Dr. Niu deserves to meet someone better, who can give you the love you want, and you can also give him the love you want. Isn’t this always the case for couples in love?

But when I think about it this way, I feel extremely sad, and my heart begins to shrink, because I am afraid that the person who will love you in the future will not be me.

To be more selfish, I very much hope that only the two of us are different in the whole world, and everyone else is out of tune with us. Then only I am suitable for you, and others are not even qualified to be close to you.

I am too possessive, this needs to be changed.

Maybe it's autumn, it's so cold tonight.

Just now, I sighed for a long time, wanting to release the turbidity in my heart, pretending that I had a more relaxed and happy life.

I'm not good at deceiving, but I'm getting better at deceiving myself and others, and I'm gradually becoming a master at it.

What I lied to myself the most was that you still love me now, and you will be willing to accept me when you come back, but thinking about it, I feel that the probability is very small.

It is true that I am wrong for being wild, but half of it is your fault. It is precisely because you once said that you love me very much that I have hoped so far.

You have given me too much. It doesn't mean that you can take it back if you take it back. Does it mean that as long as I occupy it, you can stay with me longer?

Now that you've already met me, why don't you just plant me in the pit and forget about it, and don't look for anyone else.

One radish and one hole, Niu Keqing, you are a radish.

Am I retarded?

Finally, the mentally handicapped Teacher Gu will assign homework today and leave you with a multiple-choice question. (multiple choice)

A. Guifenin can be forgiven

B. Miss the person whose nickname is 'good evening'

C. Try to fall in love with Dr. Gu

D. Take the initiative to build a good relationship with the questioner to get full marks

Good night, hateful Doctor Niu.

--antiquity."

One day later, Niu Keqing saw this page.He smiled, and only wrote a sentence under the multiple-choice question...