memory hole

"You must know the reason for everything!"

"It's a pity that you have such talent."

"That's the past! So what's the use of talent? Can it be eaten?"

"This... okay." Deng Yi finally stopped asking.

After a while, Zhong Xian said: "When I hear these songs, I can only think of the past. When I was a teenager, I only had one dream - to do something related to music in this life. Music is the only thing I can't separate from. 'Companion.' I want to work in music, a singer, guitarist, songwriter, whatever." He paused again, "But no."

"Your request is not high, it should be easy to achieve." Deng Yi said.

"Not high?" Zhong Xian asked back, "Don't you know that in this world and this era, people live on money! Human dignity is also given by money! Not music! Don't you know that all industries related to art, Only a few lucky ones at the top of the pyramid can make money. Whether they are musicians, painters or writers. Under the base of the tower, there are all dead bodies and countless hungry people. There are no rules to catch them. You can make money if you work hard enough. It dawned on me that music is not a companion, it can’t give me anything. It’s just a drug, and if I don’t stay away from it, it will kill me.”

Deng Yi looked at Zhong Xian's face.

"Even so. Even if you change your original intention to go to a more profitable industry. There is no need to give up completely. Treat it as a hobby, and you can still be with it."

Zhong Xian shook his head and laughed. "You probably think I'm extreme. I'm more sure that I have a psychological problem. Don't mention it again."

"I think, maybe you didn't tell the real reason." Deng Yi said.

Zhong Xian looked at Deng Yi with some indignation. "Don't try again. I just discovered that you are actually very cold. You have to get to the bottom of everything and are full of doubts. I am not a criminal. Can you just treat me... as an ordinary friend. "

"Okay," Deng Yi turned off the music. "Let's talk about something else. With your talent, your parents probably..."

"My mother was a singer when she was young." Zhong Xian said briefly.

"No wonder you were able to start a band in middle school. Your mother gave you a lot of support."

The bell fell silent.

"Did I say something wrong?" Deng Yi said softly.

"You investigated me, I know." Zhong Xian smiled. "How could you not know that my mother is gone?"

"Sorry. I really didn't mean to."

"Nothing, I can't even remember what she looked like... When I was ten years old, she sent me to boarding school. My childhood was miserable because of it. I couldn't take care of myself, I was bullied by my classmates, and I didn't know how to deal with it. The cafeteria, waking up hungry in the middle of the night. But it wasn't the worst. I couldn't figure out why she didn't want me anymore. What was wrong with me. It wasn't until many years after she died that I figured out that she thought it was for my own good, because... ...I have to rely on myself before I grow up, and she wants to make me understand that I have to rely on myself...Why am I telling you this? Strange, I never said it."

"It's nothing. You shouldn't hide these things." Deng Yi sat closer to him.

Bell shook his head. "No one's life will go smoothly. Some people are early and some are late, and there will be many difficulties. My experience is nothing." He said the last sentence to himself.But my heart is like a reservoir with its floodgates open, desperately trying to release the pressure.He tried to hold back.Deng Yi said in a gentle voice at this moment:

"Losing a mother at that age would be cruel to anyone. Is your mother sick?"

"At the age of 12, one day, the teacher sent me to the station and told me to go back and have a look. I went home by car. After getting off the car, I walked forward for 10 minutes and crossed a long railway bridge to get home. Yes. The river was frozen in November. I remembered that my mother would take me here to skate every year. I knew how to get home faster. I wanted to go faster. I crossed the river without hesitation. ..."

"and then"

"Then no."

"Um?"

"I fell into a hole in the ice."

Zhong Xian suddenly found himself staring at the white light on the ceiling.The light hurt his eyes, but he didn't realize it for a long time.The lamp is like the sun without temperature in winter.

Zhong Xian breathed a sigh of relief, "She traded her death for an insurance policy. The money is enough for me to finish college, and I can also start a campus band..." He started laughing again, he thought he would cry, but No. "Why should I tell you?"

Deng Yi was silent.

Zhong Xian murmured: "She thinks her value to me is to try her best to give me money. She thinks that money is very important." The pain in her heart was extremely painful.This extreme pain actually gave him a happy feeling in the end.

"I couldn't, I couldn't see her for the last time..."

"I'm sorry." Deng Yi suddenly hugged him. "You're right, I'm cruel. I won't mention it."

"She thinks money is very important." Zhong Xian said clearly.

go to bed

56

Zhong Xian fell asleep.

In ignorance and unconsciousness, I suddenly fell into a dreamland, and the sky was full of yellow flying leaves.

He had just experienced a painful memory, but there was no trace of it in his dream.Relaxed, cheerful and warm.

He slept heavily.

In a state that he didn't quite understand, without warning, he confided a lot to Deng Yi.After that, he actually got the tranquility he never had before.It's like resting on the top of the morning dew mountain, facing the first glow that has just emerged.

Maybe he's been wrong all along.He doesn't look back, trying to forget the huge thorn embedded in his early life.But the thorn will not disappear by itself, it will always be there, and those wounds will not heal.The wound eventually turned into a beast.Feeded by his paranoia, unknowingly raised to greatness.He could no longer keep it in the cage.Must be bitten by it every night.

The human heart is such a mysterious place.How could it hold such a giant beast.

He slept very comfortably.

He knew that he had received the compassion and care of the other party.

It was not his thing to be pitied by others.But there are exceptions to the mercy of some.

Sometimes you can use this to get closer and get the other person's heartfelt emotions.If a person has love, everything can be broken.

Zhong Xian realized for a moment in the middle that Deng Yi had been moved by his experience and could no longer remain indifferent.

57

Woke up again, it was 06:30 the next morning.The nurse woke him up while doing a routine check on him.

Zhong Xian rubbed his sleepy eyes and looked around the ward, but he didn't see Deng Yi.Suddenly became irritable.

"Are you angry to get up?" The female nurse stared at his expression.All smiles.Zhong Xian has seen a doctor with a cold attitude.If it's the first time seeing a warm nurse.

"Is there a painless way to die?" He asked as if he had nothing to love.

"You still have good looks to squander, wouldn't it be a pity to die so early?"

"You always tease patients. Do you have medical ethics?"

"I see you have depression. Make you happy."

Deng Yi walked into the ward at this time, looked at his watch, and said:

"There is a small park outside the hospital. There are a lot of people doing morning exercises. You hang the bottle at eight o'clock. There is still an hour. How about going for a walk?"

It's a good idea.

Ten minutes later, Zhong Xian followed Deng Yi out of the building of the inpatient department, passed through the north gate of the hospital, and entered the LU Cultural Park.This is a very historic park.The area is small and the planning is poor.There are several buildings in the greenery of the park that are very old.But there are a lot of people doing morning exercises here.

The air and sunshine in the morning are so comfortable and beautiful that people ignore all the unsatisfactory aspects.

They chose a tree-lined path with relatively few people to walk.

"What kind of exercise do you usually do?" Deng Yi said.

Zhong Xian thought for a while: "I don't particularly like to do anything. Swimming occasionally. I don't seem to like anything for a long time. I prefer sports with a sense of adventure."

"Do you exercise regularly? It doesn't look like you have been exercising if you are so thin."

Zhong Xian stopped and glanced at Deng Yi: "You taught me how to play. How about it?"

Seeing that Deng Yi was noncommittal, Zhong Xian said, "I can pay the tuition fee."

Deng Yi continued to walk forward. "I play tennis a lot, not because I like to play."

"Then why?"

"I'll tell you later. Let's go for a walk on the green field over there. There are fewer people there."

They took a short cut through the bushes to a green meadow.

"Did I scare you last night?" Zhong Xian said.He smiled brightly, not wanting the other party to really regard him as a pitiful person.

"Being a policeman, what horrible things haven't you seen? Well, I really didn't expect that. Because you don't look like someone with a developmental disability, you look... I mean, compared to some others, you at least look ...it's normal."

"I'm not that normal." Zhong Xian said truthfully.

"I know." Deng Yi said, "You will definitely not be that good. During the most critical period of growth, you lacked the care you should have, and you have no chance to pass through puberty smoothly. According to the theory of psychology, you should It is right that you have serious psychological problems. The more you look okay, the more it proves that you have suppressed it deeply and only showed the good side in front of people. Of course, there are some people who, although they have not had a complete growth period, are also successful. Has a full personality. Although not a majority."

"You're talking like I'm crazy." Zhong Xian laughed.

"I'll say it casually, it's not necessarily right. You'd better find a psychiatrist and let him look for your problem. It would be better if there is no problem."

"You can be my psychiatrist." Zhong Xian said mischievously. "I'll pay you. Oh, sorry I'm bringing up money again. I mean whatever you want, money or whatever. Don't look at me like that."

Deng Yi replied