double struggle

Chu Wendao didn't know how he got home.

His mind was numb and blank, until he closed the door and lay on the sofa, he still couldn't remember what he was going to do next.But he didn't dare to let himself be idle, so he went to the room and turned on the computer, took out stacks of materials, and continued to process the unfinished papers.

He seems to be busy himself.

But this situation still didn't make him feel calm.

Chu Wendao threw away the mouse and stared at the faint warm light of the desk lamp in a daze.This light reminded him of the busy street outside the bar, and his eyes slowly moved away to the restaurant. The same light enveloped familiar people and strangers.Like a pair of Bi people, talking and laughing at Yan Yan, harmonious and harmonious.

This is not the first time this has happened, and it may happen many times in the future.Zhang Zhiyuan also has an older brother who got married very early, and his daughter is already in the sixth grade of elementary school.Chu Wendao had seen her before, she was a very cute and clever girl.Zhang Zhiyuan, like him, is in his thirties, and his family is in a hurry. Over the past few years, he has arranged many blind dates, but none of them were successful.

Chu Wendao knew it, but never said it.He was even lucky that Zhang Zhiyuan still had him in his heart.But now, his luck was finally shattered.

It has been 19 years since we met in high school, and Chu Wendao knows him better than Zhang Zhiyuan thought.Just now, Chu Wendao only needed to look at Zhang Zhiyuan's expression, and he understood everything.Their ambiguous relationship may not be too long before it ends.

Maybe, can you still struggle?Chu Wendao quickly denied this point. What kind of person is Zhang Zhiyuan?If this is the case, he shouldn't have expressed his love to Zhang Zhiyuan so many times, but Zhang Zhiyuan was indifferent.

Although they have had a physical relationship for many years, they can desire these things with half-push and half-way. There is really no need to talk about love.

Chu Wendao read the sage books for more than 20 years, and for the first time felt that he was extremely stupid.Struggling to the death for more than ten years, one end was trapped in the self-conceived happiness, but in the end it was nothing.

Being hanged and played by someone for more than ten years, the feelings I gave were worthless because of that person's eyes and smile.

Silly.

The phone on the table vibrated, Chu Wendao rubbed his face, and turned on the phone.

"Excuse me, is the teacher asleep? Because it's too late, I see that the teacher hasn't replied to me yet, and I want to ask about the lesson plan." It was a WeChat message from Xu Qingzhou, and Chu Wendao stared at the white dialog box , I was confused for a long time before I remembered what was going on.

He hurriedly moved the chair to look through the briefcase, and heaved a sigh of relief after touching the USB flash drive.

"I haven't slept yet. Sorry, I have a lot of things to do today, I'll show you now." He was too lazy to type, so he sent a voice message directly.

The dialog box shows that it is already typing, but there is still no movement after a while, Chu Wendao doesn't care, inserts the U disk into the computer and concentrates on reading Xu Qingzhou's lesson plan.

It is also difficult for Xu Qingzhou, Yu Hua's works are not easy to interpret, and his character is really not suitable for discussing Yu Hua's works.Chu Wendao knew this student well, he was just a romantic young man.

I still remember that there was a final paper in Yu Hua's "To Live" before. It is true that there is no mistake between the lines, but it is almost everyone's opinion, and it has been the same for decades.Chu Wendao asked Xu Qingzhou to ask at that time, but Xu Qingzhou muttered that no matter what, he couldn't deeply understand the evil of human nature from that kind of violence and blood.To put it simply, if you are not that kind of person, you cannot appreciate it.

Xu Qingzhou's lesson plan is about Yu Hua's short story "A Kind of Reality", which is not easy to explain. Even when Chu Wendao taught this course to undergraduates before, he only used two lectures to briefly explain the main idea.

His student's teaching plan is also well done. Although there is nothing new, it is also a textbook theory.Chu Wendao sighed, but Xu Qingzhou tried his best to face the author who was not good at it.In the modern literature class of the sophomore year, it is enough to talk about the basics and key points.

Chu Wendao adhered to the principle of perfection, and slightly modified a few parts of the teaching plan.After he clicked save and checked the time, it was almost one o'clock in the morning.

He guessed that Xu Qingzhou must have fallen asleep, so he simply edited a WeChat message: "I have finished reading the lesson plan, and I have slightly revised a few places for you. I will send you an email, and I will check it when I wake up tomorrow morning."

Chu Wendao flipped through the chat list again, and it was full of irrelevant groups of friends chatting.When I calmed down, my mother's head portrait was particularly conspicuous in the middle.

He clicked on the voice listening: "Wen Dao, when are you going home? I haven't seen you for a long time, let's go home for dinner on weekends."

"You" includes Zhang Zhiyuan.

Chu Wendao turned off the computer and went to the balcony to smoke.The smoke curled up, blending into the silent night.It was late at night, and Zhang Zhiyuan didn't even call him.

There are only a few decades in life, and it took 20 years of what should have been the most exciting time to go in, and what I got in exchange was only a lonely night.Chu Wendao didn't know if he would love someone like this for another 20 years, but he felt tired.

He bent his arms, resting his chin on them.

"It's really cold tonight..." He shook his cigarette and muttered to himself.

As Chu Wendao said, it rained the day before, and the wind started to blow the next day.The weather changed as it said, and there was no sign at all.

Chu Wendao opened his heavy eyelids, and sat on the sofa slowly.I fell asleep while sitting in the living room last night, probably not in a good sleeping position, and my whole body was aching.

He glanced at the fully loaded ashtray and exhaled, his voice hoarse from smoking too much.Well, this voice is going to be ridiculed by the group of monkey students again.He reached for the mobile phone on the table, but the battery of the mobile phone was also exhausted.

Unable to watch the time, Chu Wendao could only kick on his slippers and go back to the bedroom to watch his mobile phone.

It was exactly [-]:[-] in the morning, which means he slept for four hours last night.In fact, people like Chu Wendao, who are engaged in the academic industry, have to write papers and compile books all night from time to time. Chu Wendao is even worse, and he has to be caught by his father to help with the company's affairs when he is free.According to his father, if he doesn't want to stay in school one day, he can still find a bowl of food when he comes back to the company.

Look, this is my dad.It's a matter of course that you don't hesitate to squeeze your own son's labor force.

Chu Wendao's savings are enough for retirement, but it really doesn't matter.It's just that being idle is still idle, it's better to find something to do.It's better than hurting spring and autumn every day, and having to figure out other people's thoughts.

In the afternoon, he has a postgraduate class, and he will stay at home for most of the day.It's just that I can't sleep anymore, Chu Wendao thought about it for a long time, and decided to go to the supermarket downstairs to buy something.

The charging of the mobile phone is a bit slow, and it only takes 20% of the power in an hour.Chu Wendao thought that not many people took the initiative to find him, so he left his mobile phone there to charge, and went out with his keys and wallet.

This neighborhood is considered a half-rich area, Chu Wendao is not a person who treats himself badly, and sometimes has the self-consciousness of being the second generation of rich people.When the building was just built, he weighed the location and paid the down payment without hesitation.

"Uncle Li, you're walking the dog." On the way to the supermarket, Chu Wendao saw Uncle Li walking around with the particularly strong golden retriever in the building next door.

The golden retriever didn't know what indissoluble bond it had with Chu Wendao, and every time he saw him, he would bark happily and flick his tail.

"Oh, I heard the truth." Uncle Li took a lot of effort to grab the golden retriever who was running forward desperately, "I haven't seen you for a few days, what did you do?"

Chu Wendao bent down to touch the golden retriever's head, and was licked with saliva.He didn't dislike it either, and wiped his hands while stroking.

"What can I do? I work overtime every day, and I lost a lot of hair."

"Young man, pay attention to your body. There was news before that a white-collar worker died suddenly from overwork. He was so young, so miserable."

"Well, I'll pay attention."

"Hey, I heard that." Uncle Li remembered something, and suddenly changed the subject, "My wife keeps talking about when you will come back every day, and says he wants to introduce a girl to you."

Chu Wendao smiled politely: "Uncle Li, I have no plans for this at the moment. I'm really sorry."

Uncle Li waved his hand, saying it was okay, and secretly said to his wife: "I'll just say, what a big professor like you does every day, the old woman doesn't listen, and she wants to get her little niece to you Red line."

Chu Wendao stood up, putting his hands in his trouser pockets. "I don't want to delay other girls, thank you very much." He said, "I still have to go to the supermarket to buy some things, Uncle Li, take your time."

"All right, let's go."

Chu Wendao walked away almost as if fleeing.

He is purely GAY, and he has recognized his sexuality since he first fell in love in junior high school.His family can be regarded as a scholarly family. Both parents have studied abroad and are very open-minded.Regarding Chu Wendao's sexual orientation, apart from the initial regret, he accepted it frankly.

Usually when the neighbors introduced him to someone, he just laughed it off.But this time, when Uncle Li mentioned the matter of introducing a partner, he felt heartache for no reason.

Chu Wendao couldn't help thinking of the scene he saw across the road last night. It was like a thorn stuck there, and it was hard to breathe as long as he lifted it up.

The tree shadows swayed, and the wind pierced into the clothes.Chu Wendao pulled the skirt of his clothes and exhaled into his palm.If I had known earlier, he would have worn an extra coat before going out.

After walking for a while, I finally arrived at the supermarket.There were not many people in the supermarket. After all, it was still a working day, and only those retired people were left as idle as Chu Wendao.He turned around a few shelves before finding the shower gel, but after looking for a long time, he couldn't find the fragrance he usually used.

"Excuse me, I want to ask if the mint model is gone?" Chu Wendao just happened to see the staff, pointing and asking.

The staff picked up the barcode scanner and scanned the code on the price list, searched the inventory for a while and said: "Now there are only a few models, and the mint model was just sold out yesterday, and it hasn't been in stock yet."

"Thank you."

Chu Wendao clicked his tongue, thought for a while and took a bottle of lemon flavor.Compared with lavender, chrysanthemums and roses, he thinks that only the lemon fragrance is not so strong.

After choosing the shower gel, he took the shopping basket to pick out some snacks and beer.In fact, there are still a few bottles of wine brought back from my father at home, but drinking wine alone is a bit high-end.

Chu Wendao paused when he passed the candy area. He was quite familiar with one of the milk fudge, and Xu Qingzhou liked it very much.Without hesitation, he picked up two bags and threw them into the basket, thinking of the child's bright eyes when he ate candy, his mood improved a lot.