The school grass boyfriend has a big problem

After the shock, there was only one voice in Lu Xi's heart:

"find him."

Lu Xi's mind went blank, she shook off Aunt Chen's hand and rushed out.

But when he plunged into the icy night and was poured with rain all over his head and face, he completely lost his direction again.

Cangshi is so big, where should I find the records?

Lu Xi gradually stopped, stood helplessly by the side of the street, looked left and right, his face was pale from the cold in the cold winter night rain, but his eyes were red.

He was terribly vulnerable and terribly frightened.

If the pain can be visualized, it may be what Lu Xi looks like at this moment.

Lu Xi didn't know that Ji Nian's psychological problems were so serious, and he couldn't even imagine that it would be bipolar disorder.

He knows that the suicide rate of bipolar disorder is even higher than that of severe depression, and the patients' emotions are repeatedly tormented between ice and fire, and they can't hold on too much.

At the thought of Ji Nian committing suicide, he felt a wave of overwhelming despair.

Lu Xi shivered in the winter night rain, sobbing uncontrollably.

In his previous life, he was unable to save Lu Nan, so he could only watch Lu Nan jump off the balcony in the end.

He hated Lu Nan to death, knowing that he was his only relative, but Lu Nan still jumped in front of him.

Because he felt abandoned by Lu Nan, he wanted to take revenge on Lu Nan, so he also chose to commit suicide, and ended up in this world, where he met Ji Nian.

Lu Xi thought that the calendar was a gift from God, and it lit a beam of light for him, so that he would no longer be numb and live alone.

But at this point, Lu Xi finally understood.

If Ji Nian can live a good life elsewhere, he will have faith to support him.

He fantasizes that maybe one day in the future, they will meet again.

But if something happens to the year, he can't continue...

When Lu Nan left, he still remembered the pain of the separation of bones and flesh, and it was impossible to bear it again.

In any case, he wanted to find the date.

Lu Xi wiped her hot and humid eyes, and decided to run in one direction.

"Lu Xi!"

At this moment, Aunt Chen came out with a coat in her hand.

When Lu Xi rushed out, she was still wearing thin pajamas and no shoes.

Aunt Chen put her coat on Lu Xi and said, "I came by car. The car is on the opposite side. Think about it, where will Ji Nian go? I also brought out my mobile phone. Please try it on the way and see if you can get in touch." Years."

The two walked across the road to the car.

"I have searched all the places where Ji Nian often goes, but we couldn't find them. We have searched in various areas in the evening, but there are still no results," Aunt Chen said anxiously as she walked, "Lu Xi, think about it carefully." Think, has Ji Nian told you about some special places?"

There is almost no need to recall, the voice of the year directly breaks into the mind:

"Sometimes I feel that she is the sea."

"Go to the beach." Lu Xi said suddenly.

"What?" Aunt Chen didn't realize it for a while, and asked, "Beach?"

"The place where Ji Nian's mother committed suicide." As he said that, Lu Xi unconsciously quickened his pace, wishing he could reach the destination directly at this moment, and said, "There is a lighthouse there."

After being reminded, Aunt Chen also recalled it, and couldn't hide her excitement: "Okay! Let's go!"

Because Lu Xi was walking too fast, when he passed the green belt, he suddenly stumbled, but fortunately he helped the tree trunk beside him in time.

But in an instant, Lu Xi suddenly recalled a scene that seemed familiar to him at this moment - he also took a staggering step and stepped on the grass.

"No." Lu Xi raised his eyes and looked forward, then changed his mind and said, "It's the cemetery."

"It's not in the cemetery." Aunt Chen said firmly, "I sent someone to look for it at night."

Lu Xi looked at Aunt Chen, suddenly feeling a little uncertain.

But after thinking about it, he insisted, "Take me to the cemetery."

Aunt Chen opened the car door, looked at Lu Xi for a while, then nodded, and sighed in compromise: "Let's go, I trust your judgment."

***

While driving, Aunt Chen called Ji Bolun and reminded him to send someone to the beach to look for it, and she had to take Lu Xi to the cemetery first.

Lu Xi was drenched all over, but the air conditioner was turned on in the car, so she wouldn't be frozen.

He stroked back his wet hair, took out his cell phone and called Ji Nian.

Lu Xi found that the computer could get through, but no one answered.

He had no choice but to send WeChat instead, trying to get in touch with Ji Nian.

Ji Nian disappeared for nearly eight hours, and there was no news of him, undoubtedly putting all those who cared about him on the hot pot.

Lu Xi sent several messages in succession:

"where?"

"If you see it, send me a message."

"Do you really want to commit suicide?"

"Don't be funny... what right do you have to commit suicide?"

"Don't hurt yourself!"

"Call me back."

When Lu Xi typed, her hands trembled a little.

One possibility that he was particularly afraid of - although Ji Nian's mobile phone was connected, but the person was no longer there.

Aunt Chen hung up the call with Ji Bailun.

After concentrating on driving for a while, she looked ahead and said to Lu Xi slowly: "Jinian's mother, Li Shuya, has a family history of mental illness and also suffers from bipolar disorder. She committed suicide by throwing herself into the sea when Ji Nian was ten years old... ..."

"Ji Nian's natural bipolar disorder was not obvious when he was a child, but after Li Shuya's death, he became more and more serious due to lack of attention. In the third year of junior high...it had reached the point where he had to be locked up at home, otherwise he Will run around and try to commit suicide..."

Aunt Chen sniffed and continued: "That child has been very tired and lonely since he was a child, so when you appeared, I was really happy for him."

Lu Xi looked out the car window, leaning on the window sill with her elbows, biting her fingers, her eyes flushed.

He suddenly thought about a lot of things, such as why Ji Nian would disappear for a few days every month, and when he came back again, he would always be scarred.

"He didn't go to the provincial team for training, did he?" Lu Xi said.

Aunt Chen nodded and said: "Ji Nian was in the third year of junior high school, he couldn't hold any competitions, and quit the Taekwondo team. His depression episodes were fixed on the twentieth of every month, and he was at home during that time. "

Lu Xi thought of Ji Nian entangled with gauze's wrist, and tears welled up in his eyes.

Ji Nian once apologized to him: "If you feel that I'm lying, I'm sorry, I don't want to lie to you, but... everyone has secrets, can you understand?"

He also said: "The moon always has a dark side... where the light cannot find it... ugly, harsh, cold, not as perfect as the surface, unable to show others, and unwilling to show others..."

Lu Xi finally understood why Ji Nian lied, because he was afraid that he would see the so-called dark side.

——"Do you hate me now?"

——"I knew it a long time ago... Fortunately, I didn't tell you to see it before."

Lu Xi thinks that Ji Nian is stupid enough, how could he hate Ji Nian?

No matter what the chronology becomes, he will not feel disgusted.

But then, Lu Xi felt that he was the one who was stupid. So many times, Ji Nian exposed his fragility to him, but he didn't notice anything.

At this time, Aunt Chen said again: "According to the time, the chronic disease would not have occurred in the first place, but this time it came earlier...Lu Xi, you know the reason."

Looking at the dark night outside the window, Lu Xi shed warm tears, nodded for a long time.

because he...

Lu Xi didn't understand many things before, and couldn't understand many words, but now she understands everything.

——"Lu Xi, don't stay too far away from me...I'm afraid it will collapse in the end...you won't like it..."

— "You are fluoxetine."

——"Is it important...I haven't hurt anyone."

——"It's not serious, besides...the antidote has been found..."

——"Don't leave me, I can't stop taking medicine."

--"Brother, I love you."

--"I love you forever."

Lu Xi thought that Ji Nian was just an impulsive infatuation in adolescence for him, but he never thought that it was a kind of deeper, almost unconditional trust and dependence.

But he always pushed the chronology very far, and failed the chronology again and again.

Fuck the plot line, fuck the rules...he regretted it.

Lu Xi looked at the phone with teary eyes, typed word by word, and sent:

"sorry."

"Don't leave me alone."

"please."

***

When we arrived at the cemetery, before the car stopped, Lu Xi opened the door and got out of the car, and ran straight up the mountain.

No matter how Aunt Ren Chen called him behind her, she didn't look back.

On rainy days, there are no lights, the stone steps are wet and slippery, and the ground is muddy.

It took only 7 minutes for Lu Xi to travel for a quarter of an hour, and when he appeared under the streetlight in the open space again, he had already turned into a mud monkey.

He arrived in front of Ji Nian's mother's cemetery, and while searching around, he shouted loudly:

"Calendar!"

Except for the sound of rain, there was no echo from all around.

I circled around the cemetery, but found nothing. Lu Xi was in a hurry, wondering if he had guessed wrong.

He walked to the side of the tombstone, almost at the place where he stumbled last time, and stepped on the soil under the grass.

That kind of texture is very subtle, not like the thickness of the earth.

Lu Xi knelt down on the ground, groping in the grass with both hands.

Suddenly, he touched a piece of open turf.

Lu Xi's eyes lit up, and he peeled off the turf, only to find that the area of ​​the turf was larger than he imagined.

After completely pushing aside the blanket-like thick turf, Lu Xi scraped the soft soil below with his hands.

But not long after, he touched a hard object below the soil layer—a wooden board.

Lu Xi stopped, knelt on the grass, looked at the exposed wooden texture, with a dull expression,

……

Lu Xi found the edge of the plank.

As he pushed the board, the deep pit below was gradually revealed.

When pushing halfway, Lu Xi looked down.

Seeing this, my heart is about to break.

Ji Nian curled up sideways in the coffin, holding a red fedora tightly in his arms.

***

When Ji was 12 years old, during a manic episode, he sneaked into the cemetery alone with a shovel and dug his mother's grave.

That night, Ji Nian stood at the bottom of the pit, pushed open the coffin lid, and climbed in.

The only thing in the coffin was a red fedora hat.

It was his mother's favorite one.

The little Ji Nian lay on his side in the coffin, held his hat in his arms, lowered his head and muttered softly:

"Mom, I miss you..."

He curled up and lay in the coffin, as safe as in his mother's womb.

……

In the cemetery.

Ji Nian suddenly felt that there was light, and when he felt the cold rain falling on his face, he slowly opened his eyes, which were filled with sadness.

He turned his face slightly to look up and saw Lu Xi.

Lu Xi looked at the calendar for a while, wiped his eyes, pursed his lips stubbornly, said nothing, lay down on the edge of the deep pit, and stretched out his hand downwards.

Ji Young glanced at the hand flutteringly, as if he was not interested, he curled up again, hugged his hat and continued to sleep.

Lu Xi couldn't hold back anymore, and said towards the bottom: "Ji Nian, come up!"

Ji Nian ignored him.

Lu Xi bit her lower lip, resisted not crying, unconsciously softened her voice, and said, "Ji Nian, come up?"

Ji Nian opened his eyes again, with only depression in his expression, he looked at a spot on the wall of the coffin in front of him, and remained motionless.

"Please, Ji Nian..." Lu Xi said in a hoarse voice, "I'm very scared, come up first, I have something to tell you."

I don't know what touched him, Ji Nian blinked slowly, and looked at Lu Xi again.

Anyway, there is a response.

Lu Xi choked up and said, "If I haven't found you, will you lie here forever? You'll die, you know?"

Ji Qingnian frowned, and said, "Wouldn't it be nice to just die quietly like this..."

"Don't die!" Lu Xi thumped the ground hard.

Ji Nian seemed to want to laugh, but he couldn't. He just said softly: "You don't know how painful it is to live, why don't you let die?"

"I know! Of course I know!" Lu Xi suddenly became emotional.

He wiped his eyes again and said:

"It seems that I can't be happy anymore, it seems that I can't see hope anymore, I feel that I am a waste, I can't do anything well, I always ask myself why I am so useless, I hope I won't be a burden to anyone, so I keep smiling desperately, Even though the tears have flowed down unknowingly, I am still smiling, because I want to reassure everyone... But my heart is really painful, and I want to live a normal life, but there is no way, no matter what, I can no longer support myself, Ji Nian, I know... You will always feel lonely and unbearable, because you can't convey your feelings to those around you, and you feel that you are not understood by everyone, so you have always been depressed and feel that you are out of place... ...But this is really hard work, and I always feel that I can't hold on in the next second..."

Looking at Lu Xi, Ji Nian's eyes gradually turned red, and his expression changed subtly, he was no longer as indifferent as before.

"But actually, there is nothing wrong with you, you are just sick..." Lu Xi covered her eyes and cried, "I know everything, I'm sorry... I didn't see it before, I'm really sorry... You are Ji Nian , is also Lu Nan, everyone who deserves to be loved and understood... Even if it is for me, live on... I don't want to become a person again, I am also very cowardly..."

In the downpour, Ji Nian gradually got his face wet.

After a long time, he said in a hoarse voice: "But no one will accept me... Li Shuya doesn't want me anymore, and you don't want me either... I thought I could be liked if I became obedient, but no one..."

"I like you!" Lu Xi said in a very loud voice, stretching out her hand below, "I like you to death!"

"..." Ji Nian glanced at Lu Xi's hand, shook his head, and said in a low voice, "It's too fake...you lied to me."

Lu Xi was about to cry again, and promised: "This time it's true, Ji Nian!"

Ji Nian seemed to have made up his mind that Lu Xi was lying to him, and fell into depression again, unmoved.

Lu Xi was about to stand up and jump directly into the bottom of the pit to drag him up, but at the last second, he gave up.

Lu Xi didn't take back his hand, he calmed down and said, "Ji Nian, look at me."

For a long time, Ji Nian turned his gaze to look at Lu Xi.

Lu Xi stared at Ji Nian's dim eyes, and said firmly: "I love you too, if you are still willing to accept me, hold my hand and show me your dark side."

Something flickered in Ji Nian's eyes, but it was very faint. He moved his mouth, as if he wanted to say something.

But Lu Xi didn't give him a chance to speak, and his eyes were clear: "I won't hate you, and I won't leave you, just like you love me forever."

It seems that there is light breaking through the long-lasting haze.

Finally, Ji Nian reached out and grabbed Lu Xi's hand, pulling him down.

In an instant, Lu Xi felt weightless and fell to an undetectable depth.

But even if it is the abyss, he will not be afraid, because Ji Nian is waiting for him there.

For chronology, however, the opposite is true.

It is he who is falling, towards the light named Lu Xi.

……

The lid of the coffin was closed.

In a dark and small space.

Lu Xi held Ji Nian's head and pressed it into his arms, rubbing his hair randomly.

He no longer cares about any rules of this world, even if he and Ji Nian are destined to cause disaster, he doesn't care anymore.

Lu Xi kissed Ji Nian's hair and said in a low voice, "I don't want this world..."

"I only want you."

"Sorry, I just found you now."

……

After an unknown period of time, the coffin lid was lifted.

Everyone looked in, shocked for a while.

I saw the two teenagers leaning on each other in the coffin, their necks hugging like lotuses.

Ji Bolun's face was unusually pale, and his tall figure was unstable, like a landslide, kneeling on the grass, as if he had suffered a huge blow.

At this time, an umbrella covered Ji Bailun's head.

Ye Mei stood aside, looking down at the man with a hint of sympathy in his eyes.

The author has something to say: Thank you for the three landmines of the Song Dynasty~Nianniannian;

Thank you for your nutrition~