Atypical Cafe Love

Ning Siqin just shook his head silently.Chen Songmao took a deep breath: "Okay. First of all, Siqin, I should apologize to you. I also made a mistake that day. In retrospect, I was indeed emotionally unstable at the time, and my words were too hasty. Normally, I should have I asked you to clarify these misunderstandings with you at the time, but we were arguing and arguing, and in the end we all digressed.

"You have to know that Xiao Su and the others usually praise me as a gentleman, but it's just a joke. I'm not a real gentleman, and I can't be a saint or a perfect person—although how I treat you should be my own will, no I should expect more, but I really can't help but hope that you can treat me as I treat you." Chen Songmao said solemnly, "I really trust you, which doesn't mean I won't have doubts and anxiety. But I hope you You know, I want to know this so strongly, not because your classmates said anything bad about you, but because this incident obviously affected you a lot, obviously hurt you, I love you, so I I just want to know about this, and I also thought that our current relationship can be honest with each other, so your concealment is even more unacceptable to me. I didn't mean to hurt you because of this, I'm sorry."

Ning Siqin shook his head slightly, wanting to speak, but Chen Songmao raised his hand slightly to stop him: "Let me finish first, I really did something wrong. I will think about the scene at that time many times in the future, When I was angry with you, I felt that I was right. After I calmed down, I realized that I was too tough that day. I can’t blame you for thinking that I was forcing you to speak. I should have explained to you that day when I showed weakness. It's my fault for delaying until today."

"I thought you were always the most frank." Ning Siqin asked softly, "How could you make such a mistake?"

"I was so angry at the time." Chen Songmao said, Ning Siqin's eyes widened slightly, "No - not to you. I just came out from your classmate, you can imagine what he said about you. Listen How could I not be angry when he said that to you? How angry you would be, I can only be more angry than you. "

Ning Siqin pursed her lips, and smiled wryly: "You just heard that your boyfriend is a scumbag who cheats on feelings, hooks up with sex, and spends his private life with no limits, but your reaction is to be angry with him?"

"Don't say that!" Chen Songmao retorted fiercely, "I know you are not this kind of person. I am not blind if I get along day and night."

"Aren't you blind, how can you turn a blind eye to many details?" Ning Siqin suddenly raised his voice, "I lost contact with my alma mater; my experience in bed is much richer than yours; I go to check for AIDS every six months; I forbid you to ask about my college days; everyone I knew in college said I was a scum... Have you never had any doubts?"

"I have doubts, but not doubts. I have been waiting for you to give me an explanation." Chen Songmao said steadily, "I am still waiting."

"Why are you still so frank now?!" Ning Siqin asked, "Have you really never suspected that I have been lying to you? If I am lying to you, you are providing clues to a lie, do you know Know?!"

"But if you're not lying to me, isn't this possibility worth my efforts to save?" Chen Songmao asked, "I don't know, maybe it's just my intuition. But I think, if I can't talk to you now Frankly, I might lose you."

"You won't." Ning Siqin said, lowering his gaze, biting his lips and forced a smile, "And it's just the opposite. I'm here today to confess to you."

"En." Chen Songmao responded without further urging.He understood that it took a lot of courage in the beginning.

Ning Siqin still lowered his head, and didn't seem to intend to raise it: "When I was young—until I was 20 years old, my temper was actually not very good." He said, "At home, my parents doted on me. To say it humbly, my level is also one of the best in my class. Later, because I had long hair, I was excluded in the class, and my grandfather taught me martial arts. No one who bullied me could beat me. At that time, I was really arrogant all the time. Even after I went to college, I never bothered to hide my sexuality.

"But university is different from high school after all. There is no open opposition and discrimination from everyone, but gradually some social pressures are becoming more and more obvious... I gradually wondered whether it is possible to try dating a girl. Maybe I am What about twins? At that time, there was a girl in our grade who usually had a good relationship with me, so I asked her if she would like to try to develop a relationship with me to see if we can develop with the alien.

"We both confessed our sexual orientation beforehand, and we agreed to break up peacefully, and she agreed. I only dated her for two weeks, and we held hands at most, and I knew that I really didn't have any attraction for the opposite sex. So we made peace. We broke up. After that, Zhuo Huarong, the Assistant Zhuo you knew, came after me. He is a D voice with a lot of connections, and his level is not very good. I don’t always look down on him, so I directly refused. He was too arrogant at the time, and there was no one else around, so he didn't save any face, which made him very embarrassed.

"He was fine at the time. After three days, the girl who broke up suddenly called me and asked me to go to the school forum. I temporarily registered an account, and only after logging in did I find out..."

Ning Siqin smiled wryly, "I just realized that the whole world around me is different."

And the truth is far more cruel than what he said.

For three days, the homepage of the entire forum was full of "gossip posts" and "skin posts" about him. At the beginning, it was Zhuo Huarong who posted the post. The pain of being bitten back by the scum, and gradually someone began to "skin the skin"—[Ning Siqin?As a gay, he still lied to girls. How could the goddess of LZ like such a scumbag? 】【Ning Siqin has a very problematic character. One day, his roommate, a girl who is 1.5 meters tall, was knocked down by him. Ning Siqin didn’t even look at her and walked away. , crying all the way back to the bedroom. 】

The other party is very skilled in hacking, transitioning from daily trivial matters that cannot be verified to true and false, to rumors that are speculative, and then the rumors are further posted, and evolved into character issues, and then "insiders" or "participants" appeared in the posts Testimony... Ning Siqin never visits school forums, and by the time he finds out about it, he has been hacked to such an extent that he can't wash it off: get a D note by gaining connections, get high grades by cheating in exams, use his mother's relationship to win over professors and suppress him Other outstanding students who competed with him, cheating, cheating, dating promiscuously... Zhuo Huarong had already cleared himself up, saying that Ning Siqin not only lied to the girls' feelings, but also insisted that he was pursuing him so that he would not become angry. After pouring his own dirty water, everyone expressed sympathy for him.

Most of these posts have no evidence, only descriptions made by a group of so-called "parties" from different angles.However, for a group of passionate and impulsive 20-year-old college students, there is no need for any evidence. Gossip and the general psychology of listening to relatives and friends are enough to completely destroy his reputation.On the contrary, Ning Siqin has evidence - his college entrance examination results, entrance examination results, his performance level...

It's useless.After three days of silence, the public opinion has turned one-sided. No one will seriously verify the authenticity of the transcript and analyze it. No one believes him.Adding insult to injury is the normal state of human beings.

"On the third day, I saw that among the people who left messages, there were already many of my roommates, friends, and people who usually go out and go in with me." Ning Siqin said, his voice trembling, "They saw that I was being criticized by thousands of people, I finally couldn't help it, and wanted to step on it. Only the so-called girl who was cheated by me didn't say anything, but she was unwilling to stand up and prove my innocence, because she was afraid that Zhuo Huarong would also expose her It's a secret - she's gay too, she just doesn't dare to reveal it.

"So I haven't done any of the things you heard. I haven't lied to others, I haven't had promiscuity, and I haven't cheated-my level can obviously be admitted to the D sound, but it's because of my mother I just happened to be a professor at D Yin, so I immediately became a back door—in fact, he doesn’t do these things, and I will never spread the news that Zhuo Huarong is gay! I despise his character, and look down on him to go through the back door It's my own business! He just doesn't feel at ease, he insists on destroying my reputation first—"

His voice trembled slightly, he grabbed the edge of the chair with one hand, and clenched his fist with the other, so hard that his knuckles turned white.Chen Songmao suddenly leaned over and reached out to hold his hand.Ning Siqin didn't expect it, was taken aback by his sudden attack, his hand trembled, subconsciously shrank back a bit, but he didn't withdraw his hand.Chen Songmao apologized softly, while holding his hand in his own and flattening it, his fingers intertwined.

The palm had already been pinched with deep nail marks, but the skin was not broken, Ning Siqin slowly clasped his hand back, and there were thin calluses left by pressing the strings on the fingertips.His cold fingers did not relax even though they were held by Chen Songmao, but at least they warmed up a little.Chen Songmao explained in a gentle voice: "Treat your hands better, you still have to practice the piano every day. You continue to talk."

20 years old is the age when personality and self-awareness are gradually becoming sound, and the age when you start to enter the society is the age of youth and vigor, but similarly, trauma around the age of 20 and childhood trauma are the most likely to cause a huge blow to people.

Ning Siqin is too arrogant, too Ning to bend.He gritted his teeth and pretended nothing had happened in front of others, showing his rejection, isolation and hostility towards the entire academy with a cold face. The only people who believed in him were a few students who dared not speak out to support him, and two or three teachers who admired him, including Professor Xia.With tears in his eyes, his mother advised him to temporarily suspend his studies, but he refused—it seemed like a failure and an admission of defeat if he suspended his studies.He would not admit to these despicable acts that he had never committed, nor would he give an inch to those who smeared him.

In the end, Professor Xia put forward a compromise opinion.He trained Ning Siqin's piano skills and English for half a year, and helped him to be selected for the joint training program to go abroad in his sophomore year.In her junior year, Ning Siqin was already in England.

Most of the classmates who went abroad together believed those rumors and looked down on him.Ning Siqin knew that it was useless to justify, and he didn't bother to justify, so he rented a house far away from the dormitory for Chinese students.Britain is a temporary safe haven. Most of the new classmates and teachers don't know him, and don't know about his previous rumors, so they don't target him.

But it's even more lonely here.

He didn't have the guidance of his seniors and sisters, and he wasn't very fluent in English. He was in a foreign country, and he was completely unfamiliar with the roads and customs.

Ning Siqin is downplaying here, but Chen Songmao can't hear the pain in it.He has never had this kind of experience himself, and the difficulty can only be imagined for two or three points. He already felt extremely distressed, and put Ning Siqin's hand in his palm, and asked: "You have never done anything wrong, why didn't you agree with me in advance?" Say? Didn’t you always refuse to admit defeat to these slanders, why are you tied up by such rumors now?”

"I didn't admit defeat!" Ning Siqin retorted immediately, and raised his head to glance at Chen Songmao, "It's just... I didn't admit defeat. Maybe I'm tied up, but you know, it's something that made me hesitate for so long. Only twice."

"One time this time?" Chen Songmao asked softly, "And another time?"

"It was when I was 20 years old. I hesitated for more than a year." Ning Siqin paused for a few seconds, "Should I commit suicide?"

The author has something to say: Tedeschi (2012) believes that traumatic events that occur in certain life stages are more likely to make people vulnerable, such as childhood and around the age of 20.

Please click here for the theoretical source: This is also an excerpt from a second-hand document. I have not read the original foreign language textual research.

In addition, Zhihu asked: What is the most frightening thing you have experienced?

There are a lot of high-quality long replies, but they are very, very negative, so I don't recommend reading them.