i have a crush on you

Chapter 11: The Road to Growth (3)

In 2007, shortly after graduating from university, He Shu and I were urged to marry one after another.

My mother has breast cancer, and her health is getting worse every day. She is most worried about me, and she always has a lot of apologies for me.

Sorry for not giving me a complete childhood, sorry for not giving me a happy family, sorry for not giving me a rich family property...

But how could she be blamed for all this?She is just a woman torn by life, pain, despair, anger... she is no less than me.It's just that she was silent, hoping to comfort me with this little silence.

One day, at the strong request of my mother, I went on a blind date.

When I was on the way there, I kept thinking about a problem-marriage.

will i have marriageIt seemed impossible at the time, I was gay and I had never heard of gay marriage at the time.Will He Shu get married?I think it is for sure, every time he sees couples taking wedding photos, he will cast envious eyes, and I know he is yearning for it.

will i have kidsDo not make jokes.Will He Shu have children?If he is married, he will have children.

He and I are doomed to be on two roads, he will eventually take the road that belongs to normal people, and I will go on the same road to the darkness—the darkness that few people walk, and there will be vicious eyes from time to time the road.

He and I couldn't be this close forever, his family would take all his time, and I'd be suspicious because I couldn't find someone.The word homosexuality is no longer common in 2007, family, friends and colleagues will eventually know that I am an abnormal person.

Depression, endless depression, can only be chewed slowly by one person.

Not long after I sat on my seat, a very beautiful girl walked towards me, which reminded me of Yi Qingxin in high school, I think this is the type He Shu likes.

"Hello."

She reaches out.

"Hi, please sit down." I behaved very gentlemanly.

"You are more handsome than in the picture." She smiled.

"Your real photos are pretty good."

"Thanks. Um - did you order a drink?"

"Oh, not yet. Service—"

"No need." She said, "Actually, I have someone I like."

"Oh, really?" I didn't feel embarrassed by her directness, on the contrary, there was light in her eyes, and I was a little jealous.

"I'm sorry, it's my mother who insisted on me coming. I think it's better to explain it now in order to prevent more misunderstandings between us."

The waiter came anyway.

"Well, I know. What do you want to drink?" I said, "at least finish the task, and my mother will doubt it if I go back too early."

"Okay, then I'll have a cappuccino."

"Two glasses." I said to the waiter.

"Actually, I already have someone I like, so your honesty makes me breathe a sigh of relief."

"Really, you don't want to comfort me, do you?"

"Really, I have liked it for six years."

"That's what I've liked since high school." She sat forward, "I'm better than you, I've liked him for ten years."

"Excuse me, how old are you?"

"22, same as you" she said with a smile.

"You are too precocious, you are 12 years old, and you have just entered junior high school."

"Is this still precocious? I just like him. No matter what age, he attracts me the same." She said.

"And does he know?" I asked.

Her eyes dimmed, and she smiled mockingly, "I don't know, am I very cowardly."

"No, the person I like doesn't know that I like him."

She looked at me and we both looked at each other and smiled.

"Why didn't you confess?" she asked me.

"What about you?" To be honest, I didn't want to answer.

"He doesn't know me very well. Isn't it ridiculous to say that? I have been chasing him, high school, college, and even work, but unfortunately he still doesn't know me very well." She said, "But it's worth it. Now I and He became a friend."

"You are amazing." What is mine in comparison?

"No. I just like him, nothing special." She smiled.

She is a very charming girl, and I think the boy she likes will like her.

Later, I was mentioned again, and I avoided the important things and said it vaguely. The "he" and "she" in Chinese can really hide too many things.

Finally she said to me: "That girl must like you, go and confess."

I can only smile and nod: "That boy you like is really lucky."

We didn't exchange contact information, but we already connected.

Maybe we will still choose to be silent after we go back, but I think we all have more courage when it comes to the secret love. This strength from strangers is enough for us to move forward bravely.

"You went on a blind date?"

When I said this, Hu Hao's eyes almost popped out.

"You've just graduated. Is there any need to be in such a hurry?" he said. "It's unbelievable."

"Do you want to be so exaggerated." I smiled wryly.

"Your mother must want to hold a grandson. Hey, I never thought that the first married person among us would be you."

"The horoscope has not been written yet, so don't talk nonsense." He Shu was still beside me at that time, and I was afraid that he would think too much.

"How about the blind date girl?" He Shu asked me.

"God, do you know how much she looks like Yi Qingxin," I said excitedly, "If she didn't have someone she likes, I would have introduced it to you."

"Who is Yi Hexin?" Hu Hao said, "You two always keep secrets from me, so you fucking treat me as an outsider, right?"

"You're in high school, and you don't even remember it." I looked at He Shu.

"She has someone she likes...so you two didn't make it?"

"No." I was a little annoyed.

"You want to fall in love?"

Me: "..." Nonsense.

"I'm convinced you two too." Hu Hao said, "Are you frigid or gay? You're 22 years old and haven't even had a friend!"

My face froze for a moment, and I quickly lowered my head to prevent everyone from seeing my ugly expression.

"Hey, if this is a late development, then you two are too late." Hu Hao sighed as he spoke, "But love is not good, and being single is so comfortable."

"It's just that you have a lot of insights in life." He Shu said poorly.

Then the two laughed for no reason, and I laughed too.

Is it because the world is too intolerant of homosexuality, or is it that I am too intolerant of homosexuality?

Why didn't I think of this question at the time.

If I could understand at that time, maybe everything would be different.At that time, what I could accept and endure was too little.

After the small gathering that day was over, I made a phone call with He Shu.

"Why aren't you in love?" he asked me.

Fortunately, he couldn't see my panicked expression. I took out a cigarette and a lighter from my pocket. Just as the lighter rang, there was another voice from the phone, "Smoking less."

"It's so hard—" I exhaled, and the feeling of the clouds and mist was really intoxicating.

"I said, why don't you fall in love?" He asked me again.

"I fucking want it too!" My voice lowered, "But I can't find it."

"So many girls are not like Shen Qiao?"

"How many years ago. It's not my favorite style for a long time."

"Then what do you like?"

"I...? Bai Fumei."

"shallow."

"Yes, return material." I smiled.

"Cut, cluck...Jiang Tang." He suddenly became very serious.

"What?" I sat on the bed and looked up at the ceiling.

"Did you ever...do that yourself?"

I was taken aback, "What... what?"

"That's right, since .W."

"Why did you say this suddenly?" I scratched my head, "I must have done it."

"Won't you think I'm sick if I say I'm doing it?"

"He Shu." I quickly sat up, "What are you talking about?"

"I'm self-W," he said, "come with me."

........................

I still couldn't do it, I listened to him complete all the procedures, then quickly hung up the phone and took off my pants...

I don't want to be like this in front of him, I'm afraid I can't help calling his name, I'm afraid I'll let him know that I'm so infatuated with him.

I recalled his voice, recalled his bronzed skin, recalled every sweet whisper he whispered in my ear, recalled every night when I secretly fell in love with him...

I love him, it is incomparable, unsurpassable, but I can't open my mouth.

As for why he would do this kind of thing to me on the phone, I had completely forgotten about it at the time. Now that I think about it, if I had paid more attention at that time, would I have discovered something more.

It's a pity no.

All things have a cause and effect.