i have a crush on you

October 2016, 10, Zhongshan Hospital, F City.

"It hurts." These were the last words that He Shu held my hand before entering the emergency room.

I was sitting outside the emergency room, at a loss. In addition to despair and helplessness, the word "death" kept echoing in my mind.

"Are you his family?" the doctor asked me.

"Friend, best friend."

"Have you contacted his family?"

"Contacted. What happened to him?"

"Come with me." The doctor called me to his office, holding an X-ray photo that I couldn't read at all, and said, "Look, something is compressed here. The initial diagnosis may be a tumor."

"What?" I couldn't believe it.

"Maybe it's a malignant bone tumor, and his legs have suffered some muscle atrophy."

"What's malignant? You've only been checking for a few minutes!" I yelled, "Impossible."

"This is the biggest possibility. I just hope you can prepare yourself." He said, "Go for an examination."

I accompanied He Shu to do a set of corresponding checkups, and I still remember him asking me, "I only have a little leg pain, why do I have to do so many checkups?"

I can only say, "The hospital, no matter what the problem is, these must be done."

After the results came out, my family and I got the sad news: a malignant bone tumor — that is, bone cancer — was the same as his father.

I collapsed, my world seemed to collapse.I started to cry crazily where he couldn't see, I couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe it.

Why, all those I love leave me one by one?

Finally, in 2017, He Shu found out that he was ill.

He didn't cry or stay silent, he just smiled and said with a smile: "Why are you like my dad?"

That day, I held his hand and cried for a long, long time.

His legs, like his father's, were too painful and swollen to walk.But he still didn't show a little bit of boredom. He stroked my long bangs and said, "Let's just say, it's still so pretty."

He only wants his mother, me and Hu Hao to take care of him, and he avoids the others.I stayed with him day and night, and every night when I went to bed, I would hold his hands. I was afraid that if I didn't pay attention, my hands would get cold.

I took a lot of photos of him, and made a photo album together with those taken in the past few years. He said that he likes it very much.Every day he would look through it, he said, and imprint it in the deepest part of his heart, so that he would never forget it even after drinking Mengpo soup.

I scolded him for not talking nonsense.

He smiled and grabbed my hand and said, you must also put me in the deepest part of your heart.

In August 2017, the doctor suggested amputation, but he refused. He said, if I had to amputate, I would die now.

I said, listen to you.

In October 2017, He Shu began to suffer from insomnia and loss of appetite... When I woke up many times at night, I could see him sitting on the bed and looking at me, with tears in his eyes that I thought I couldn't see.

In January 2018, He Shu did not want to be hospitalized anymore.I accompanied him to the apartment he rented.Every time he sat by the window, holding a photo of us in Blue Moon Valley.

"What does it look like on the top of a snow mountain?" He looked at me.

I held back my tears and couldn't say a word.

"Can you go for me once?"

"When you are well, let's go together."

"You go after March, okay? I want to see the photos you took."

"Let's go together."

"No, I can't go."

"Okay, I'll go."

In March 2018, I embarked on the road to Yunlong Snow Mountain.I was making video calls with He Shu all the way, and he would say from time to time, "It's so beautiful."

There are only 4506 meters from 4680 to 174, but every step is extremely difficult. I try to keep my breathing steady, but I still have to stop after three steps.

"Is that 4680?"

"Yes," I said, "sit down a little better, I'll take a screenshot, so we can take a photo together on the top of a snow mountain."

"Okay." He sat up straight and gave a big smile.

That photo is still in my wallet.

I imitated him and gave him a passage I wrote:

That was the snow covered the mountains, my soul was released from the shackles, and the noisy gongs and drums liberated the dream.There is you in the peak wind, you in the clouds, and you in the snow.I always thought that everything was in time, and the snow mountain would never leave, but I didn't know that the vast snow would melt one day.

But he laughed at me, "Jade Dragon Snow Mountain has snow all year round, but it's less in summer."

He passed away in May 2018.

It's too late, it's too late, anyway, everything about him has disappeared.

He left me a letter:

To my favorite person - Jiang Tang:

I always dream of the white snow at night, I always remember the hours I spent hiking in the Blue Moon Valley, and I always fantasize about walking to that 4680 with you.

I once prayed to the mountain god that you will be safe forever.I once made a wish to the earth that you could look back at each other.I once shouted to Bo Yun, allowing me to be with you for the rest of my life.

Dadi and Bo Yun made a slip of the tongue, but luckily the snow mountain heard my prayer.

Don't be sad, my soul will wander on the top of the snow mountain, I will escape the pursuit of black and white impermanence, I will leave that bowl of hot Meng Po soup behind, I will be the guardian of the snow mountain, I will guard that little wish.

I met you in 2001 and wanted to say I like you.

I met you in 2002 and wanted to say I like you.

In 2003, I promised you and wanted to say I like you.

In 2004, I guarded you and wanted to say I like you.

In 2005, I missed you and wanted to say I like you.

In 2006, I miss you and want to say I like you.

In 2007, I held you and wanted to say I like you.

In 2008, I protected you and wanted to say I like you.

In 2009, I touched you and wanted to say I like you.

In 2010, I will accompany you and want to say that I like you.

In 2011, I fulfilled you and wanted to say that I like you.

I lost you in 2012 and wanted to say I like you.

In 2013, I forgot about you and wanted to say I like you.

I saw you in 2014 and wanted to say I like you.

In 2015, I have nothing to say about you, I want to say that I like you.

In 2016, I regained you and wanted to say I like you.

I left you in 2017 and wanted to say sorry.

In 2018, am I not seeing you again?

I love you from 2001 to 2018.

I love you from 16 to 34 years old.

I love you from the top of the mountain to my soul.

Finally said this sentence, I am leaving, I wish you peace, joy, and well-being.

He Shu who has a crush on you.

2018 3 Month 20 Day.

At the end of May 2018, He Shu was buried in the ground.I stood in front of his tombstone and read the three poems he wrote to me, and sang Jay Chou's "Peninsula Iron Box".

Sometimes, to keep silent is to miss out.

The times imprisoned me, but I didn't want to imprison He Shu too, and imprisoned the journey of secret love that lasted seventeen or eight years.

If only...

It's a pity no.

"I love you, He Shu." This time I finally said it.