i have a crush on you

Chapter No.17: That Diary

He Shu's mother asked me to go to his room to clean up his belongings. My aunt said: "Xiao Shu's things have your name in them. I think he wants to give them to you."

In July, I finally mustered up the courage to step into that place.Due to long-term unoccupied reasons, the windows were covered with dust. I stood at the bottom of the building, and the big boy with foamy head seemed to be right in front of me.

My aunt handed me the key, her eyes were bloodshot, I know she still can't accept this reality.Xiao Ziqian was by her side, I could see that Xiao Ziqian had changed a lot, his eyes were no longer unruly, but more melancholy brought by the years.

We have all grown up, and the wildness and unrulyness that is printed in our bones have been polished.We do not blame this change, but we are grateful.

"Xiao Tang, Auntie won't go up." She covered her mouth, "If you think there is anything you can take away, just take it away."

"Yeah." I picked up the key to open the door.Xiao Ziqian suddenly pulled me back.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Let's talk about it after I finish cleaning." I said.

"Okay. I'll wait for you."

I went up the stairs, it was so old, and the memories were a little stale.

I looked up from his bedside table.

The ten-year-old photo has been replaced with the photo I took with him in City B.I looked around and took out two large boxes from the top of the cabinet, one was empty and the other was full.

I put the photo album in the box.I opened the drawer again, and there was a Motorola phone and the smartphone I had given him.The smartphone fell from the second floor, and I still remember that He Shu was annoyed by it for a month.

I also put my phone in the case.On the desk are some high school books, I flipped through them casually, and there are words I wrote when I was extremely bored.

For example: He Shu is a big fool X

Every time he has a doting smile on his face... Why didn't I notice that his eyes were full of love at that time?

I wiped the dust off the books and put them in the box, because I always feel like I am back in high school when I see these books.That rebellious, bold year was yesterday.

It seems that there is nothing very important. Just as I was about to leave, I suddenly remembered the full box that I just moved down.

I opened it and saw a thick diary. When I took it out, several photos were scattered. I cleaned it up. These are actually some photos I have never seen before. They seem to be taken with a mobile phone. Yes, I put it and the diary aside.

There is a music box in the box. I thought for a long time before I remembered the origin of this music box, and I couldn't help laughing at myself.There are many things inside, like a bottle of paper cranes, hats, gloves, scarves, books, game consoles...

Those memories came suddenly like a torrential rain, and my heart ached so I quickly closed the person's box.

I looked at the diary for about 10 minutes before slowly opening it.

Everything in that diary was written by me.

2001. 5, 15

At the stairway, on the playground, by doors and windows.

Meet you, pay attention to you, want to see you.

You went to the Cangjiang River to look at the clear blue sky, and the whale salamander left a trace——Jiangtang, this is a very nice name.

2001. 5, 17

Without the courage to come forward to know you, it's like liking you, a complete failure.

2001. 6, 12

Is this called love at first sight?

Speaking of it, I didn't believe it, so it's no wonder that my vision was shallow before I met you.But I like you, I have a unique vision.

The wind from north to south, the light from east to west, why do they talk about you?If you can ask me, the wind and light are not silent.The floating shadow whispered: My heart pleases you.

I am not a non-mainstream poet school, but when I think of you, I want to describe you with beautiful words in the world.

2001. 8, 2

Taking care of my dad is really exhausting every day, and I can only hold on by thinking about you.It's hard to imagine death... I'm actually terrified.

Jiang Tang, I miss you.

2001. 8, 5

My parents agreed with my theory, very happy.I still believe that opportunities are earned by themselves.

2001. 9, 5

Lao Pan kept me, very reluctant.Jiang Tang, if you know what I have done, you should be moved, right? ... Haha don't worry, I won't tell you.

2001. 9, 24

I transferred to class 5 of science, and I was very nervous when I introduced myself.

The first time I saw Jiang Tang, he was even more handsome than I remembered.I don't just like him because of his looks, I've seen him play, he's so handsome!

God, it seems that it's really because of his looks. (wry smile)

2001. 9, 25

I dare not go up to talk to him, too far away from him, annoying.

This guy always likes to wander in class, what is he thinking?

2001. 9, 26

Another day of failure, please.

2001. 10, 5

What am I doing?Why am I so cowardly!

2001. 10, 10

Dad passed away.

Jiang Tang, I miss you.

2001. 11, 28

He told Mr. Bai that he wanted to sit at the same table with Jiang Tang, but he agreed!marvelous!I dare not be too enthusiastic, lest he find out that I am gay.

2001. 11, 29

Jiang Tang brought me breakfast! ! ! OMG, flattered! ! !He doesn't seem to be very good at math, but he is very smart.

2001. 11, 30

Another breakfast!My heart is about to melt, and I can't bear to eat it.

As soon as I see him, my heart beats so fast, so I can only sleep...

What should I do! ! ! ! !

2001. 12, 2

See him tomorrow!

2001. 12, 3

Can you imagine?Another breakfast...

Why do I like him so much...

2001. 12, 4

Stupid Tu Shangkang, witty Jiangtang cutie!

It's disgusting, hahahaha.

He also praised me for my handwriting.But I think writing your name looks best.

Jiang Tang.

2001. 12, 5

Jiangtang cutie has brought breakfast for a week, and I will bring it to him starting tomorrow!

2001. 12, 6

Jiangtang cutie accepted my breakfast!He seems to be very edible, but he can't support him... What am I thinking?

After I found out that I fell in love with Jiang Tang, I became a little girl... What should I do?

Jiangtang taste: hi spicy

2001. 12, 10

It was too cold, Jiang Tang seemed to have a bit of a cold, his lips were all dry, and his heart ached.

Wei Xing helped me buy lipstick, but she kept asking me...embarrassing.

Homosexuality is so hard!

2001. 12, 12

Jiang Tang's birthday: June 6

2001. 12, 13

Jiang Tang came to my house today, and it turned out that his father had also passed away.He cried in front of me, I was so distressed, I wanted to tell him that I was here to protect him, but I couldn't say it, I was a sinner, an ugly homosexual.

He is so cheerful and sentimental, I want to accompany him.

I asked my mother today, and she said that Jiang Tang is very handsome, hahaha, as expected of my mother!

Hug him today, he seems to be in good shape, what am I thinking... well, hard.

2001. 12, 18

Jiangtang taste: don't eat coriander, don't like sweets.

Jiang Tang and Hu Hao have a very good relationship, I'm not the only one...

But love the house and the crow! !But I'm still madly jealous...

I'm like a pervert.

2001. 12, 27

Hu Hao is quite funny and can make Jiang Tang laugh every time, wanting to learn...

2002. 1, 1

Happy New Year, little Jiang Tang.

Jiang Tang likes Shen Qiao, Shen Qiao is not good-looking, not good-looking, not good-looking, not good-looking, not good-looking.

He's straight...he likes beautiful women...

But I'm also very handsome, can't you like me?

He thought Wei Xing and I were a couple.It's hard to argue, how can I tell that Wei Xing was sexually harassed by Jiang Zezong?

Hope he doesn't misunderstand, pray.

2002. 1, 3

What exactly does Jiang Tang like about Shen Qiao?I'm so anxious! !

Damn...every time I tell him about Shen Qiao, he gets very excited! !

Don't want to tell him, jealous, but can't help it... what the hell am I doing?

I'm at the point now where I think he's going to have a physical reaction.If he knew my dirty thoughts, he would definitely run away.

2002. 1, 5

Wei Xing is crazy, thinking that I like Shen Qiao...

Jiang Tang is crazy, he actually likes Shen Qiao?

I don't want to tell him anymore, I'm so annoying......

2002. 1, 7

Monday, not happy.

Crazy testing of Jiang Tang, it's too crazy!

Did he find out something... He seems to have noticed a little bit, I'm not a pervert and I didn't treat him as a girl, I just really want to touch him, I like him...I want to have sex with him...(Sorry)

Music box, 250!idiot!

2002. 1, 10

Jiang Tang's hobbies: singing (nice to hear, hard.)

Hahaha, Little Jiang Tang was so funny when he answered the questions, it made me want to buy flowers for him.

2002. 1, 14

Did Jiang Tang discover something? Why doesn't he like to talk to me anymore?Don't eat lunch with me either.

2002. 1, 15

He would rather eat the bread than the meal I brought.

What's the matter?

2002. 1, 16

Still don't eat.

2002. 1, 17

I feel bad.

2002. 1, 18

He lost weight, what to do...

2002. 1, 19

Is he eating well?

2002. 1, 20

Jiang Tang, have you eaten yet?

2002. 1, 21

Is he sick, lost too much weight, worried.

I asked Wei Xing, skipping meals may be to lose weight, he lost a damn fat.It's annoying!

2002. 1, 22

I worry, worry, worry, worry worry worry worry

2002. 1, 23

I'm going crazy, am I doing something wrong?

dad can you tell me

2002. 1, 24

Jiang Tang's grades in the final exam dropped.I'm so worried, I don't know what to do.

2002. 1, 25

Did not eat again.

2002. 1, 26

Think Jiang Tang.

2002. 1, 27

Think Jiang Tang.

2002. 1, 28

He was so thin that only his bones remained.It's my fault, it's all my fault, what should I do...

2002. 1, 29

Jiang Tang finally ate, and I almost knelt down.I will listen to him for everything in the future, my little ancestor... scared me to death. (wry smile)

2002. 2, 14

A love letter to Jiang Tang:

I like you from the occasional raglan shoulders on the stairs.

I like you from the basketball spinning on the playground.

I like you from the pleasant laughter in the hallway.

I like you, it started from humming silly songs at the entrance of the street.

I like you, starting from the light hair on the seat.

I like you because the distance between your house and my house is thirteen stations, which is not worth mentioning.

2002. 2, 26

Jiang Tang, I wish you a happy Lantern Festival.

2002. 3, 1

The snow hasn't melted yet, how much do you need to wear?

I will see you tomorrow, but now I miss you a little.

2002. 3, 2

This guy's homework for the winter vacation is a mess, and it's quite cute to see him playfully asking me to borrow his homework.

2002. 3, 13

It's not a good way to find a cold...

2002. 3, 14

Not a good way, I was scolded...

2002. 3, 24

That man's son is actually gay like me, why can he say it so naturally, and expose me at a glance?

He knows I like Jiang Tang...

2002. 4, 1

The little idiot also blamed me, saying that he was deceived!

Obviously I was deceived by you, but I am willing.

2002. 4, 4

Jiang Tang was afraid that I would be too sad tomorrow, but he went out of his way to comfort me, you idiot.

2002. 4, 22

I haven't written about you for a long time, and I can't help but want to write something for you.

If I like you on Monday, I miss you on Tuesday.

If I can miss you on Tuesday, I must like you on Tuesday.

If you like you on Tuesday, you will know you well on Wednesday.

If I know you well on Wednesday, I must like you on Wednesday.

If you like you on Wednesday, hold your hand on Thursday.

If Thursday holds your hand, Thursday must like you.

If I like you on Thursday, I will forget you on Friday.

If I forget you on Friday, I will like you on Friday.

If I can see you on weekends, I can love you every day.

Dao love is long, love is deep, and love is endless.

2002. 4, 30

If April can have 31 days.

2002. 5, 20

I love you - Jiang Tang.

2002. 6, 1

Sorry, happy birthday.

2002. 6, 4

That lunatic actually said he likes Jiang Tang, he just fucking wants to fight me... It's so annoying.

2002. 6, 5

"Damn gay is disgusting."

Jiang Tang, you can't treat me like this...

2002. 7, 3

The first time I fell asleep with him, I dreamed and wanted to have him.

2002. 7, 10

In fact, supplementary courses are also very good...

2002. 7, 14

And Jiang Tang's first movie.

When will I be able to love bravely like that big brother?

2002. 8, 6

Miss you.

2002. 8, 15

Happy Tanabata.

2002. 8, 30

Jiang Tang gave me a hat, which is the same style as him, and I will keep it well.No, wear it well!

2002. 9, 8

sex…………

Would love to do it with you once.

2002. 9, 12

In fact, I am very envious of Hu Hao, who can do what I want with the person I love, but I can't even say that I like you.

2002. 9, 14

I don't know what's wrong with me... I meet you every night, and I dream of lightly touching your hair, kissing your soft lips, touching your skin, I want to leave my mark everywhere on you , I want to have you, I want to hold you.

2002. 9, 21

happy mid-Autumn Festival.

2002. 10, 3

I think you can't satisfy me anymore.Everything about you fills my mind, I really want to possess you.

2002. 11, 5

Tried hard, but failed again today.Almost made a fool of myself in gym class.

2002. 12, 24

I wish you peace.

2002. 12, 25

Merry Christmas.

2003. 1, 1

In the new year, I will love you more.

2003. 1, 31

Happy New Year.The gloves you gave me are beautiful, thank you.

2003. 2, 14

happy Valentine's day.

2003. 2, 27

You must fulfill the one hundred day agreement.

2003. 3, 1

The menacing SARS, I hope you are safe and sound.

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It was broken when I got here, and a few pages were obviously torn from the back, and those pages should be the days when we were in college.

The time behind has arrived in 2007 in a blink of an eye.

2007. 5, 21

graduated.I can still protect you, I am very happy.

Waiting is bitter, but fortunately you let me wait.

------

Afterwards, he wrote more and more intensively, almost every day, with questioning and wandering between the lines.

Say or not?He lingered on this issue until 2012.

In his diary, he mentioned the incident that year like this:

Xiao Ziqian said: "My love is too blatant, Jiang Tang will run away if he finds out." In this way, I made a girlfriend, and his blessing tone made my heart ache, but he said, this is the best way to hide .

I really miss him.I'm afraid that I'll tell him the truth when I'm drunk, and I'm afraid that if I sleep with him, I won't be able to hold back my dirty thoughts...

I don't know if this is the best way, I just hope everything is ok.

Xiaoya, I'm sorry, I lied to you.

The diary has been written until 2014, and the last paragraph he wrote is as follows:

You and I are like clouds, when the wind blows, we don’t know where we are going to go, the world is north and south, but we still can’t be far away from you, we can only write about you, but we don’t know where to start.

There is only one sentence I love you, buried quietly in my heart.

It was yellow sand mixed with wind, bitter and ferocious.

It was catkins mixed with water, wet and sticky.

All my tears fell on the diary, and the ink smudged along my tears.

It turns out that in the past 17 years, not only did I love him, but he also loved me deeply.

I often think about those years now.The story between me and He Shu is too scattered and too ordinary, there is no thrilling, no enmity, even the simplest love.But I still cherish those good times very much.

Finally, I found a letter in the box. I kicked him into my purse and carried two boxes downstairs.Xiao Ziqian was waiting for me downstairs, and I got into his car.

"Where are you going?" he asked me.

"I'll take a look at He Shu."

He looked at me and was silent for a while, "Okay."

"Jiang Tang, I'm sorry." He said, "I made him choose to escape."

I look at him.

"From the first time I saw the way He Shu looked at you, I knew that He Shu liked you, and you also liked He Shu. But I can understand the pain of homosexuality too well, you can't stop caring about the eyes of the world. Look, the criticisms of the world, they overwhelm you. I really regard He Shu as my younger brother. I don’t want him to experience my pain, so I took him away. I’m sorry——I later You know, I am me and he is him."

"Have you read the diary written by He Shu?"

I nodded.

"He really loves you. He always thought it might only last for a year or two, but he didn't expect to last for so long." He said with a smile, "He is so extraordinary, his love is completely beyond my definition of love. "

My tears came out, and I turned my head away not to let others see me like this.

"Cry, it's okay. He Shu always cries in front of me, even though he beats me every time he cries." He said, "I'm looking for you today, I just want to tell you everything he didn't tell you."

I said with a strong nasal voice: "Is there anything else I don't know?"

"His university." He said, "a roommate secretly read his diary during the first semester of his freshman year. He Shu found out and wanted to snatch it back, but accidentally tore up those pages. Later he was gay. Word spread throughout his department, everyone shunned him, and he didn't write a word in his diary for the rest of his years."

I finally couldn't help it anymore, and I couldn't stop my tears. I thought life was ordinary, but in fact life is miserable.

He suffered far more than he could bear.And these pains that should have been shared by me have all been drawn on himself, and there is always only one thing he expects-companionship.

And I even took away my little companionship behind.

When I got to the cemetery, I sat by his headstone, opened the letter, and read:

"I used to think that I could be with you for ten years, but I forgot that when we were young, we always had to be separated. The train flew across the distance, and the clouds drifted southwest. It was so difficult to see you.

I want to write some poems for you, but every time I pick up the pen, I don’t know where to start. I can only print your appearance in my mind, and then gently engrave it with the tip of the pen.

Ask what love is in the world, and teach life and death. "

I held an exhibition at the end of July, and I posted all the photos of He Shu and I. Hu Hao helped me promote it vigorously. There were many people who came that day, but they all thought that the photos showed two close friends. friend.Only Hu Hao, he looked at the "photo" of me and He Shu in 7, and whispered in my ear: "You love him."