You said as long as we are careful enough

Chris texted him four more times before actually trying to call him, all of which were ignored by Sebastian.He tried to keep himself busy making dinner, but standing suddenly made him feel sick, as did thinking about things.Overwhelmed, he climbed into bed in frustration and lay there, staring blankly at the wall, listening to his phone ringing.

It was strangely difficult to breathe, and it was even more difficult to concentrate.He knew he should eat, he should shower, he should get up and do something, but he just didn't want to move.He wanted to sleep, but couldn't.Something in his throat made it all the more impossible to ignore, until he let himself cry again.

With the tears running dry, Sebastian glances at his phone. Chris texts at some point saying he's home and ready for bed, apologizing again and begging Sebastian to call him in the morning. Sebastian doesn't want to reply, but lets himself listen to Chris' voice message.

"I shouldn't - I made a mistake. I should have stayed. I'm sorry. I just... it's been hard - damn it, it doesn't matter. I'm a fucking fool. You want me to (stay ), and I'm thinking too much - God. Fuck. ... Listen, if you tell me now that you want me to stay, I'll go back. I want to go back. I mean I - damn, as long as you want I'll go back... Please answer me."

He sounded like he was crying. Sebastian fell asleep after listening to the message three more times.

The next morning, he was woken up by another message.Please call me.He ignored the message for hours until the phone rang again.He let it ring, watched the SMS icon on the left light up, and frowned.

Not wanting to talk to you, he finally texted back. Chris didn't respond.

A few hours later, Sebastian listened to a second message. Chris sounds panicked.Suddenly, guilt stabs Sebastian unfairly in the ribs.

"I just need to know you're okay. I hope—hope we can make up too. I can understand if...not. Ugh. I hope we can...oh God. I hope you can still work with me. I didn't expect..." His voice was hoarse, and he paused for a few seconds. "Damn, ok. I-I just called to check...you seem upset I just need to know you're ok. I'm sorry. Please talk to me. I-I can go back to see you right away, As long as you want, or... I just want you to be okay."

Sebastian saves it and another message before dropping the phone on the couch.Ignoring the gag in his stomach that was moving so fast, he ran into the bathroom and scrubbed his skin roughly until he was red all over.

He went back to his room angrily, and the phone rang again, and Sebastian decided to leave it at home when he went out.He hardly wanted to go out actually, but he couldn't be alone in the apartment anymore.

He took too long to get dressed.He doesn't know what to wear.Without orders, he felt inexplicably lost.He stared blankly at the open wardrobe for what felt like an hour, but it could have been just a few minutes.He tries to ignore how off-balance he feels as he does this, but he can still feel the corners of his eyes starting to sting from how long he's been standing here.

Sebastian has finally decided on an outfit, and he wears clothes he knows Chris wouldn't choose just to annoy him.He didn't bother to cover his throat, and then, after a moment of self-struggle, decided that he didn't want to hide behind sunglasses or a hat either.

He has the weirdest desires: he wants to be seen, reduced to the tabloids, to be exposed for his poor dress taste and explicit hickeys on his throat.He wanted Chris to see it and know it was his fault.He knew he was acting like a disobedient child, but it didn't matter.

If anyone recognized him during the first few hours he spent outside, they didn't let him know.He blamed it on (he) acting too badly to get close.By the time he notices the camera, he's holding a cup of coffee and a cookie, and he's smiling.He wants to smile, even when it feels like shit.He wanted to at least look happy.He wants Chris to see it.

He lived out the rest of the day, relatively unnoticed, and pretended not to see the various paparazzi trailing behind him.All of them, he realized with disappointment, were snapping pictures from too far away and protruding from the wrong angle to protrude his throat.They quickly dropped him without saying a word to him.Hickey or not, apparently wandering around New York City just doesn't make enough headlines.He ended up back in the apartment before sunset.

When he came back, there were no new text messages on his phone.The sound before earlier was just the notification sound of the battery being exhausted. Sebastian wasn't sure if he felt relieved or disappointed.He wanted to feel relieved.He just felt angry.

He listened to those two messages from Chris again that night, wondering why he felt so angry when all he wanted was for Chris to talk to him.

Another day passed, and Sebastian's rage was at its peak.He was furious now.He wants to hurt him.He texted Chris without thinking.I want to go to bed.

Chris responds quickly, and Sebastian doesn't know if he's laughing out of amusement or out of anger.I can fly.

Not with you, Sebastian replied, I'm just asking for permission.

This time, it took a full 5 minutes before his phone beeped for a reply. Sebastian, you haven't spoken to me since I left.I can't give you permission unless you talk to me. Before Sebastian can react, a second text pops up: I just need to know if you're okay.

Sebastian stares at his phone, then replies fuck you!

Frustrated, he dropped the phone on the couch, narrowly missing the wall.fuck him. Sebastian doesn't need to just do what Chris says. "As long as it's what you want, Sebastian" He stood up.All right.what he wants.He wants, wants, gets out.

He spent an unnecessarily long time in front of the mirror, repeatedly running his fingers over the high, conspicuous bruise on his throat.He knew he should cover it up this time, if he wanted to find someone, but he didn't want to.He wants to be seen.He wants people to know.He's tired of pretending like Chris cares.

He pressed hard against the bruise, then hissed in pain.His eyes hurt, his throat tightened, and he couldn't help staring.

"You want me to tag you? You want everyone to know?"

Rummaging in the bedroom closet, he caught a glimpse of the handcuffs still hanging over the head of the bed.He had long forgotten about them.How could he not have noticed before?A wave of white anger ran through him, and then he tore them off the headboard and threw them on the floor.

Sebastian thinks about leaving his phone at home again, he hears it ringing like crazy from Chris' texts, but at the last second, he mutes it and puts it in his pocket without reading a single message.Then I hailed a taxi and went to a club in the city.

He hadn't been there an hour before he felt someone watching him, looked up and saw what he was looking for.He smiled and slid off his seat and walked slowly over. "You look familiar," the man told him, and since becoming famous, Sebastian couldn't tell if it was a pickup line or not.

It doesn't matter.All that matters is that he's tall, strong, blond, and doesn't seem interested in chatting. "I hear that said all the time," he said, trying to avoid further questions. "Do you want to get out of here?"

The man smiled at him. "There's a room upstairs, if you're interested."

Sebastian doesn't ask the man's name because he doesn't care.To be fair, the man hadn't asked him, and if he had, Sebastian wouldn't have told him. Sebastian can't really get rid of the idea that he's an asshole because he's letting the other guy take the room, but he doesn't want to risk being recognized with his credit card, and the guy doesn't seem to mind either.

Once they were inside the room, Sebastian couldn't look at him anymore.In the better lighting, it becomes easier to distinguish him from Chris.He coughed lightly and asked shyly, "Can you be rough?"

"Ok?"

Sebastian cringes.Of course he wanted someone who didn't understand what he meant.The idea of ​​escorting suddenly jumped into his mind, but he rolled his eyes before he could think it through.

"Just—uh, just…" Sebastian remembered the shame Chris felt every time he put him down, and it always felt different.Exciting.Now it's just humiliating.Maybe it's not such a good idea.

Sebastian shook his head, trying to clear his doubts from his mind.He needs this. "Hit-hit me. Choke me. Things like that."

"Oh," the man replied, sounding a bit surprised, but at least not disgusted. "Of course, man. I don't judge."

Sebastian was looking at the floor as they undressed, startled when the man grabbed him and threw him against the wall. "Want me to fuck you? Against the wall like this?"

Sebastian nodded, looking away from his face.A closer look reveals too many differences. "Yeah, just - push." ​​Up close Astian

The man smiled, and Sebastian's stomach twitched.He shouldn't be doing this. Chris told him no.Why is he here?Why is he doing this?He watched the man apply a packet of lube to his finger and wondered why he hadn't thought about it.

At least the man gave him what he needed, and fucked him hard against the wall, his rear bumping against the wall with every thrust.He wrapped his legs around the man's waist and moaned. "Strangle—choke me. Please."

As if the man had been waiting for this moment, fingers immediately grabbed his neck and clenched it tightly.His hands are strong, rough and perfect. Sebastian whispered shudderingly, and then he heard the man curse. "Yes!" he murmured softly, "Feeling—yes, hit me."

Sebastian's grip on throat loosens a little. "Dude, you're in a hurry," he says cheerfully, as if the incident is irritating him, and Sebastian feels arousal churning through his body. "Like this?" he asked hesitantly, his other hand pausing before slapping Sebastian across the face.

Sebastian's ears were ringing suddenly, and one side of his face was burning with pain.He whimpered, his knees slumped. "Grab me – don't stop…" he muttered helplessly as the man pressed Sebastian's throat back against the wall with his forearm.

"Okay?" he asks gruffly, and Sebastian nods, rolling his eyes back. "You still want me to hit you?" Sebastian nodded again, biting his lip and waiting for the man's hand to rest on his cheek.His face was burning and he couldn't swallow against the pressure on his Adam's apple. "Okay?" the man asked again, and Sebastian took a deep breath against the man's arm.

He forced his eyes to focus and looked up.It's almost Chris looking back at him now. "Say you love me." came out of Sebastian's mouth, gasping through the hand clutching his throat.The man was out of rhythm, almost out of rhythm, and Sebastian changed his words suddenly. "I'm not trying to—take you seriously. Just tell me please. Just..."

"God." There was a long pause, and Sebastian could tell the man was wondering if he should have put his arm on Sebastian's jugular vein when he said that.Thankfully, he just rocked harder into him and said, "I love you."

It almost feels right, and it rumbles in Sebastian's ears.It was enough to make him cum, trembling, and limp, but he wasn't even fully leveled off before guilt was still growing in his chest.What is he doing?Why would he disobey Chris?

The pressure builds on Sebastian's throat, but his body won't respond to what he's telling it to do.His mouth wouldn't open, and his hands felt numb.He didn't remember telling the man his safe word.Did he say that?Why didn't he say it?

It doesn't matter anymore.There is nothing he can do.The edges of his vision began to blacken, and his body began to slide down against the wall. Sebastian wondered if the man would stop if he passed out.It's not that Sebastian can't breathe at all - the man's grip is tight, but not 'that' tight - he just can't move.Why can't he move?

This is not Subspace (surrender domain).He remembered the information Chris had sent him about the breakdown, and it probably was, and the realization made him suddenly choke up.God, it has always been in the past and today.He could hardly remember how he got here.His skin was cold, the hairs on his neck were standing upside down, and he could feel goosebumps on his skin.He was terrified, and he deserved it. Chris told him not to do it.He shouldn't have enjoyed anything.

The man let go of him abruptly, and tears started to sting in Sebastian's eyes. Sebastian coughed, forcing oxygen back into his lungs.The man was pulled from his body and he fell to the ground.Tears started running down his face and he heard, "Damn man, are you alright?"

He shook his head, and the man took a step back. "I-" Sebastian manages to say, "I'm… all right. I just-" He coughs uncontrollably.The man just stands there, looking at him, and Sebastian feels like he's going to throw up. "I need...I need to call my-my..." What could he call Chris?What are they?

He didn't even know if the two of them were anything.

He felt like he was going to have an acute anxiety attack.A hand lands on his neck, snaps across his chin, and Sebastian winces away.Fingers brushed over the bruise on his throat, as if the man had only noticed it now. "Phew, I don't have to worry about some angry boyfriend coming and beating me up, do I?"

Sebastian swallows a sob and pulls away. "Damn it." Before Sebastian could say anything, the man started getting dressed.He stared at the door in panic, then knelt down and looked at Sebastian again. "Listen, do you need me to call an ambulance or something?"

Kinder than what Sebastian deserved for taking advantage of this man.This made it all so much worse. "No." Sebastian said firmly, tears blurring his vision, and he turned on the phone. "I just need to call him. I—I need him."

"Of course, man, like I said, I don't judge." Sebastian bites his tongue to stop himself from telling the man he should.He deserved it.But he just raised his head and watched the man fasten his pants and belt. "Just... don't get me wrong, but I don't want to be there when he comes, OK?"

Sebastian swallowed to hold back a sob.He wanted to tell the man that it didn't matter.He's sure Chris won't show up.But before Sebastian could form his words, the man flew out the door.He heard the door lock click and fail to click, but he couldn't force himself to move.He looked at his feet blankly.The used condom was still lying on the floor.The man didn't even have an orgasm.

His phone screen went black again, and Sebastian was at a loss. Chris was going to hate him for sure.He should hate it.Sebastian wasn't good enough for him anyway.He didn't even deserve his punishment. All Chris had to do was make things right, and Sebastian didn't deserve that.

His head was spinning, so he leaned back against the wall for stability.He bent his knees to his chest and threw his head back.He didn't know what else to do.He was terrified, he felt adrift, and once there was one thing that would help, but he couldn't ask for it.

Maybe he didn't deserve Chris, but he wanted him.He turned on the phone again, found his number, dropped his head in his hand, and pressed the phone to his ear.

Chris picked up on the first ring. "Sebastian!" He sounds so relieved that Sebastian is calling, and it makes Sebastian's stomach churn. Sebastian leaned his head back against the wall again.He doesn't know what to say, and Chris asks, confused, "Sebastian? Can you hear me?"

Before he could force himself to say a word, Sebastian collapsed, curled up in a ball, sobbing helplessly into the phone. Chris' tone changed immediately.There's a slight tremor in his voice that makes Sebastian wince. "Sebastian? What happened? Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry," Sebastian finally manages to say, "I'm—I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

He could hear Chris moving around and the click of keys being grabbed on the other end of the phone.He was talking, but his mouth was far away from the microphone, so Sebastian couldn't understand him.Before he could ask, Chris' voice suddenly grew louder and became clear again on the phone. "Sebastian, where are you? I'll pick you up right away, ok?"

That's exactly what he wanted, but Sebastian shook his head. "No, I-I don't-I..."

"I'll pick you up right away, Sebastian. Tell me where you are."

For a split second, it felt like an order, but Chris's voice was shaking so hard Sebastian could hear him running, the beeps and clicks he made as he got into the car. "Seb, I need you to talk to me, okay?"

"Okay."

"Do you know where you are?" Sebastian flinched. Chris shouldn't be so concerned.After all, no.Why is he still trying to help him?After everything he's done, Sebastian is surprised he's still answering the phone. "Hi!" Chris' voice sharpens, but not meanly, pulling Sebastian back into the conversation. "Seb. Come on. You have to answer me, okay? Do you know where you are?"

He swallowed hard.He doesn't want to talk.Even if Chris doesn't hate him now, he'll definitely hate him when he finds out where Sebastian is.He was going to hate him, Sebastian was going to lose him.

The car on the other end of the line revved up loudly, and Sebastian tried not to panic. "Yes." He babbled the name of the club and gave him the room number before he could talk himself out of it, and there was silence.

it's over.It's all over.Now Chris was definitely going to be mad at him. Why would Sebastian do this?He couldn't even remember what made him so angry at the moment.Whatever it was, it was trivial and ridiculous, and Sebastian was losing Chris for nothing now. "I'm sorry," Sebastian said again, his voice hoarse. "sorry Sorry……"

"Sebastian," Chris said, interrupting his apology, and Sebastian immediately fell silent. Chris sounds flat, like he's reaching the limit of his ability to force himself to keep his voice steady. "You-" Chris coughed softly. "Are you alone?"

Nervous, Sebastian replied, "Yes."

"Okay." Sebastian couldn't tell if Chris sounded relieved or more worried by the answer. "You-" He swallowed hard. "Are you safe?"

"Yeah." Sebastian manages to say.He could feel the tears starting to trickle down his face again.He can't take it.Whenever Chris doesn't answer fast enough, Sebastian assumes that Chris isn't listening to him at all.

Chris let out a long breath. "Okay," he said again, so softly that Sebastian could barely hear him. "Okay, it's going to be alright, Sebastian. I need you to stay where you are, okay? Don't – don't move."

Without another word, the call disconnected and Sebastian let his phone drop to the floor.

In trying not to think too much about what's going to happen when Chris gets here, Sebastian can only focus on what else he's destroying.The man had said that Sebastian looked familiar.What if he finally realized why?What if he sees him on TV and suddenly the world classifies him as the type who picks up strangers in a club?

The whole world would know what Sebastian asked of him.

It's not yet known what effect this will have on his career.Even if Marvel wants to renew his contract.Sexual orientation might not be an issue for Disney, but Sebastian isn't sure they'd want a sexual pervert as the company's headliner if the specifics of him in bed didn't stay behind closed doors.

Then, his mind wandered stubbornly back to Chris.They will never work together again.And, what if Disney found out he was involved?What will happen to him? Sebastian felt the tears in his eyes again.How can I be so stupid?He froze in place, scared to death, all he wanted was to go home.All he wants is Chris!

Everything in his body was numb except for the heavy thoughts that kept circling in his head. Chris will leave.His contract is coming to an end.His friends will treat him differently.his mother...

In self-loathing, Sebastian slammed the back of his head against the wall.This inexplicably made people feel stable, so he knocked again without thinking.By the third hit, his mind was clear enough to realize what he was doing, and he stopped immediately, leaning on his knees, and burst into another wave of tears.

He froze.His lungs were squeezed tightly in his chest, and he was dizzy.He still couldn't breathe, some ghostly haunting weight pressing down on his windpipe.He folded his arms on his knees and stared down at himself, trying to steady his breathing.What are you doing?

He ruined everything.He ruined his career.He ruined Chris' career.God, he could have ruined Chris' life!He was about to be recognized.Chances are the paparazzi saw him coming in here from the start.Sobs crept up his throat, and he pinched his skin.

His hands were tingling and his arms were numb.He couldn't feel his nails digging into his skin, and it made him scratch harder.He deserves to be punished.He doesn't deserve Chris to do it. Chris would just turn it into an extenuating circumstance.He doesn't deserve to be forgiven.

Chris must have caught some kind of flight, because it hasn't been two hours since Sebastian called him and he shows up, pulling Sebastian's hands to his chest. "Sebastian, stop," he said, keeping his hands close. "Shh, Seb, breathe, it's okay." He was crying, and Sebastian swallowed, fighting back the nausea burning in his throat.

Chris finally let go of Sebastian's wrist, took Sebastian's face in his hands, pulled him closer, and murmured an apology against his hair. Sebastian finally realized vaguely that he hadn't even moved, curled up on the floor. "The door is open." Chris was still muttering. "Are you sure no one is there? Are you safe?"

Sebastian nods, panting helplessly, his fingers gripping Chris' shirt. "Y-sorry."

"It's okay, it's okay. I'm sorry too, I'm sorry…" He lifts Sebastian's face up, meeting his eyes again. "I'm sorry, Sebastian. But everything's okay. I'm here. I found you. Nothing will happen to you, Sebastian. I'm right here. I promise."

"No." He didn't even know if Chris could hear him, his voice caught in his throat.

"You're so broken, Sebastian," Chris tells him, tears choking his voice.He was repeating his name excessively, like people trying to calm a frightened wild animal. "You're shaking. Can you—can you breathe?" Sebastian swallowed.It felt like someone was standing on his chest.

Chris frowned and continued talking, cupping his face tenderly. "I know you're scared, but you'll be fine. I'm sorry, Sebastian. I'm so sorry. Now let me take care of you." Sebastian shook his head, but Chris ignored him, stood up and helped Sebastian stand stand up.

He helped Sebastian back into his clothes, and Sebastian slumped against him, babbling apologetically. Chris just shook his head, wiping the tears from his face. "Come on, Seb. It's okay. I rented a car. I'll take you home."

"No—" Sebastian choked out, moving around helplessly. "No, I need to—punish me, I shouldn't—shouldn't—"

"Sebastian." Chris' voice hardened, and he forced Sebastian to look at him.He squeezed his wrists again, and Sebastian fell silent. "Now listen to me. You remember reading 'Crash', right? You've distanced yourself. This is serious. Now I can't punish you. That's not an option. Even if I punish you, you feel No. See?" He held Sebastian's arms up to his eyes, pink and covered in tiny bright red scratches. "Do you remember being like this?"

"I..." He remembered, very vaguely.He doesn't remember bleeding. "I……"

Chris strokes his hair and Sebastian looks up at him again. "I'm sorry, Sebastian. It's not your fault, okay? It's—I've got to take care of you first, you understand?"

Sebastian coughed weakly, tears streaming into his mouth. "I disobeyed…" he said suddenly, but Chris cut him off, letting go of his wrists and cupping his face again, gently silencing him.

"Shhh, don't worry about that. I'm here now, Sebastian, okay? I'm here. I—I'll take care of everything else later, okay?" Sebastian shook his head, and Chris wouldn't listen anymore, Before anyone recognized them, they dragged him out the back door.

Sebastian must have passed out on the way home because the next thing he remembers is Chris picking him up from the passenger seat and carrying him into his room and putting him on the bed.He gently takes off Sebastian's coat and his jeans, then wraps a blanket around his shoulders and kisses his cheek again.When he knelt down to take off Sebastian's shoes, he gently rubbed Sebastian's ankle as he took off one shoe.

It's reminiscent of the moment when Chris removes his blindfold after every game, and Sebastian feels a lump in his throat.It's not fair. Sebastian didn't deserve to be treated like this.He disobeyed him. Chris shouldn't even be here. Sebastian had kicked him out like he didn't want him anymore.

He looked down to see Chris looking up at him, rubbing his hands nervously at Sebastian's knee. Sebastian was ignoring him and acting like a spoiled kid, and Chris had come over as soon as Sebastian said he needed him. "I'm going to get you some water." Chris' voice is firm, pulling Sebastian out of his thoughts. "I'll be right back. Understand?"

Sebastian nodded, and Chris came back with a large glass of water to put on the bedside table.He climbed onto the bed, next to Sebastian, pulled him up on his lap, then took the glass of water and forced it to his mouth.

Sebastian obediently takes a few sips before Chris puts down the glass. "Do you want me to give you a bath?" he asks, his voice trembling a bit, and Sebastian can't take it. The thought of Chris showering him like anything happened is just too much to bear.He doesn't understand why Chris is still here, or why he's even here.

"Sebastian?" Chris asked softly, and Sebastian started to cry, his shoulders shaking as he tried to swallow his sobs.Before he could even do anything, Chris pulled him into his arms and started rocking Sebastian softly, asking, "What's wrong? Sebastian, please, it's okay."

No, Sebastian wanted to argue, but couldn't, and could only cling to Chris' neck uncontrollably. Instead of trying to push him away, Chris wraps his arms around Sebastian and repeats nervously, "It's okay, Seb. It's okay."

By the time Sebastian stopped crying, Chris was silent too.The clothes on his shoulders were completely wet from Sebastian's tears, and it was just one more thing Sebastian did to Chris that shouldn't be done. Sebastian stepped back and stared at the wet spot