Divergent

In the past two years, what I have learned is to wrap myself tightly, nothing else.

After "dead" once, it seems that he has gradually learned to "accept" and accept that the world will have an end to night and day to end.Maybe after a person has tasted the taste of insomnia and alcohol, he will naturally become milder. I often walk the whole night alone, trying to find answers in silence.But only God knows the price: I'm afraid I'll have to use up my entire life.

Who became the baked fish?Who is like a light boat that disappears in a mirage and loses its direction forever?I can't know, and I don't have to know.I just want to try to get through the afterbirth.

"It's not all your fault," one said.

Someone said: "It's not good to be so humble."

I also don't want to "love into the dust" like Aileen.I'm just a bull, just a bull.

There should be no more, but the more I want to bury and corrupt the past, the more it will choose to take root and sprout.As for me, I just shook my head silently, exhausting the smiles for the rest of my life.

On January 1, "Little Deer" and I returned to the town again.The idiot arrived as promised, but this time, the "little deer" has become a part of my body.

It was originally the third day of the Lunar New Year, but I couldn't smell the smell of the New Year.Only a few window grilles on the corner of the street tell people that this place was once filled with children's laughter.

Walking on the gradually unfamiliar streets, I looked around like a traveler.The current appearance here is not very different from what I expected: KTV, supermarkets and factories can all be found in the small town, and high-rise buildings are also being pulled up in full swing.Strangely, I feel more and more like living in a dream—it turns out that "I" can no longer find the direction I came from.

My old classmate Lan and I made an appointment to meet in the square, but she hadn't arrived when I arrived in a hurry.During the interval between waiting for the blue sky, I only blew smoke rings facing the tall buildings under construction.

At this time, two very familiar girls appeared in sight.

Taking a closer look, he unconsciously took a deep breath.Among the two, one looked very much like Zhou Xiaojing, who hadn't been seen for many years.But I'm not sure yet.

After Lan arrived by car, he exchanged some pleasantries with her, and then saw the two girls walking this way.Lan greeted them, and then I decided that the person in front of me was Zhou Xiaojing.

Zhou, whom I haven't seen for a long time, still looks the same, with the same hairstyle, same dress, and same tone of voice as before.People who are not led by the nose by the times are the most rare.But I still harbor a grudge against her, and I still have flashbacks to the anger of that day.So I saw that she didn't say "Long time no see" as she should, I just looked into the distance speechlessly.

Farewell to the square, and Lan revisited the former middle school.There are things that have changed and things that haven't.I miss every day I spent here, but unfortunately, we are all like a dead leaf in the turbulent current, we can only go downstream.Unless, you have a determination to die, and a pillow soaked in tears.

After spending the whole afternoon in such a distraught manner, after Lan returned home, I thought of Zhou Xiaojing who I met in the square at noon.Memories surged up uncontrollably, and I shook my head. In fact, so much time has passed, things are not the same things, and people are not the same people, so there is no need to hold on to the mistakes of the past.So after some inner fighting, I decided to let go of the grudges in my heart and chat with her about the past like an old friend.But I can't be sure if she is still in the square, if not, there may be no chance to see her again.

I walked back to the square uneasily, and saw Zhou and another person standing on the two-person walker from a distance.Fortunately she is still there.

When I walked another ten steps or so, the person next to Zhou Xiaojing made me stay where I was, and my brain was completely pumped out in an instant.

It was a figure very much like Yao Qian.

I became overwhelmed and fidgeted.

With trembling hands, I took out a cigarette from which bag and lit it.I took a few puffs, trying to calm myself down.I pretended to be nonchalant, but it was still difficult to control my eyes to skim in the direction of the walker.

After all, I couldn't lower my curiosity. After stamping out the last cigarette, I walked towards Zhou Xiaojing and the others with my heart in my heart.

When I get close, tears come out.But I have no tears for a long time - I saw Yao Qian happily talking with Zhou Xiaojing, just like before.That's the character in my dream, right?How could it still appear in a small town?

I walked around in a big circle and walked behind them. My footsteps no longer listened to my persuasion, and they completely obeyed the frustrated me.

I walked up to her and stared at her.I wanted to try my best to keep the face in this dream, so I unconsciously wandered away from things.Is this really not a dream?I keep asking myself.But she is so clear that it makes people mesmerized.Her body is still the clean and simple soul, and it is still the beauty that cannot be recorded in the book of the third generation.And the face that I have been unable to describe with a pen for many years is naturally a pair of autumn eyes.

"What are you doing!?" she suddenly said to me.The familiar Mandarin immediately pulled me back, I smiled embarrassedly, hurriedly walked to a seat not far away, and turned my back to them.

I don't know how to say it, or maybe I shouldn't.But I don't want to go, because this is the dream I want to wear out.

I just sat there and smoked non-stop, which made me feel a lot better.I remembered a photo I saw on her WeChat. It was a photo of her and her boyfriend - they drew two mustaches on each other's faces with a brush, so cute and happy.But she and I have never had a single photo. Memories have tricked me, but everything lost is also beautiful.

In fact, when I first saw their photos, it was not as painful as I expected.Instead, I sincerely bless and envy her (envy that boy). On the one hand, I love her so much that I don’t want to be her bondage; on the other hand, I always thought that there are two Yao Qians in this world. My little fan girl, and the other is her who now has the same skin as Yao Qian.I feel like I just lost touch with the real Yaoqian, who will always meet after going left and right. (I heard that the man is also a football player...)

I kept calling Chen Bin, hoping that he would come to rescue me quickly and save this embarrassing atmosphere.But Chen was still on his way back from the city.

While I was thinking wildly, I saw her and Zhou get up and leave the square.My legs didn't work and followed behind them. I wanted to call Zhou Xiaojing to stop, but I didn't dare to speak.He had no choice but to follow along cheekily, waiting for Yao to separate from her.Although this kind of behavior similar to stalking is disgusting, I feel like I have been hooked, even if I am like a clown jumping on the beam, I can't help it.

They circled around and returned to the square, probably because they saw that I was still following me so shamelessly, Yao suddenly turned around and shouted angrily: "Are you sick?! Follow me all the time!"

I curled my lips and said, "Am I talking to you? Am I talking to Zhou Xiaojing?"

After listening, she ran over and said to Zhou Xiaojing: "I'll go home first, I'll go this way, you go that way, and see how Weng Wensheng reacts!"

Zhou nodded and walked straight to the square.I also followed up and stopped her, and she turned her head and asked, "What's wrong?"

I said, I want to talk to you.

Zhou said helplessly: "Actually, she can't accept you following her like this."

"No! I'm really talking to you, but it's just not easy to say it out."

"You should let go too." Zhou said, "She already has a boyfriend and is very happy. Maybe she won't understand what you look like now, which will only make her dislike you even more. You should pursue your own happiness."

I smiled and said, "Why haven't I tried hard to let go of her after so many years? I know what she thinks of me now, and even know every word she wants to say, but it's all those, just repeating... If you change It's me, I can understand that I would feel disgusted or scared when I meet such a disgusting person."

"She just wants you to stop bothering her."

"I don't bother you anymore... I'm actually quite happy to see them so happy now."

Zhou looked up into my eyes and asked, "Are you happy from the bottom of your heart?"

I said firmly: "Yes. Wasn't it just to make her happy when we were together? As long as she is happy."

At this time, Chen Bin also returned to the town from the city.I said to Zhou: "Well, Chen and I are going to have a drink later. You can come over too, and we will talk about it later."

Zhou said: "Don't drink, okay? It's not worth hurting yourself for these things."

I smiled and said, "No, Chen and I made an appointment to have a drink together before the Chinese New Year. I just happened to meet you."

"Okay then, except that I might be late."

I said, "It's okay, I'm going to drink until late anyway."

After Zhou Xiaojing came home, Chen and I sat down in a hot pot restaurant in a corner of the square.The dining table has already been covered with golden setting sun.

Chen and I each ordered four bottles of beer and one bottle of white wine. We drank hot pot from the setting sun until the lights were on.The smoke never stopped.

Around □□ o'clock, Zhou Xiaojing sent a message saying: "Yao Qian is coming too." I was so upset that I didn't answer.

Ten minutes later, Zhou and Yao really came into the store.Yao Qian chose to sit opposite me, and Chen Bin and Zhou Xiaojing sat on both sides of me.Yao Qian looked around the hot pot restaurant, maybe she also felt that this scene was a bit embarrassing.

In order to ease the atmosphere, Zhou Xiaojing and I blew indiscriminately.When I picked up the liquor and was about to drink it, Zhou Xiaojing held down the bottle in my hand and said, "You can't drink any more, Weng Wensheng." I smiled, took the bottle back, and said, "It's okay, that's all." After drinking Feeling unsatisfied, I asked the waiter for another bottle.

Zhou Xiaojing said: "Okay, if you have anything to say, hurry up and say it!"

Yao Xian said: "I have nothing to say, just... I hope you don't bother me again, don't add me on QQ, don't add me on WeChat... Well, that's it."

I nodded, and while stirring the vegetables in the pot, I said, "That's for sure...Of course." This is a high wall I built for myself, and I have to carry it even if I am born prematurely.In fact, I heard these words once during the Ching Ming Festival the year before last, but it was just repeated yesterday.It's just that it doesn't change, it's just my cow.

After smoking a cigarette, I went on to say: "Actually, I know how bad I was before, and I know that she needs to be cared for and cared for, but I failed to give it to her. She said that she wanted a vigorous love, and I I couldn't give her. I deprived her of even the most basic freedom...I even quarreled with her boyfriend. I know how bad I was in the past. For two years, I have been introspecting, introspecting Why did we get separated. I have also been changing, trying to make up for my shortcomings."

I just said some words in a daze like this, and I found that when I was saying this, the corners of Yao's mouth twitched inwards. This subtle change in expression was exactly the same as when she listened carefully to me after a quarrel.

Zhou Xiaojing said: "I don't think you have spoken out what is in your heart." Yes, at least I did not, but I don't know how to express it.

I asked Yao: "How long have you been with him...?"

She looked at me and said, "Does it count from the time we met?... It's been three months."

"Three months..." I repeated softly.There is thick steam between me and her, which is both true and false, isn't this really a dream?

"Yao Qian, I have another question: add your answer 'passionate only for—' What is behind it? Tell me, I won't add you."

She paused for a moment and said, "I can't remember." I said, "Okay then."

The atmosphere froze again, and there were still bubbles bubbling from the bottom of the pot at this moment, and the hot soup was boiling like blood.The smoke is intertwined, just like my heart: hazy, lost.

As for how much I drank later, when she left, and when I came back, I can't remember clearly.

I just remember that when I sent my classmates out of the plaza and came back, Zhou Xiaojing asked the boss to put away the hot pot immediately when I wanted to drink.Chen then vomited all over the floor, and I had no choice but to help Chen leave. (Or maybe it was Chen who helped me leave.)

We came to a KTV in a daze, and Chen just lay straight on the sofa and didn't want to go home.I suddenly vomited all over the floor with a "wow". After realizing that I had lost my composure, I dragged Chen and fled in the direction of his house.Chen and I swayed unscrupulously left and right on the road, yelling some nonsense loudly, as if we were stepping on cotton.But we seem to be happy, happy for no reason.

In the dark night where you can't see your fingers, you are occasionally laughed at by two street lamps, and occasionally a car light flashes by.Not sure how we were blessed by God to come home.

Zhou sent a message that night saying: "It's very windy tonight. After hearing a lot of things from you guys, you have to go on your way. For example, everyone is well @你已山清@战书人"

I don't know whether this night is the key to open the cage to rebirth, or a new rope in thousands of knots.And I still remember the sentence in Chen Bin's poem: I walked from a boy to heaven.

What I was obsessed with was nothing but the cleanliness and simplicity of the previous Yao Qian.I love her only because Yao Qian loved me the same way last time, that's all.

I always remember one silly thing she did:

That summer, I went back to my hometown.She said she bought me a pot of small flowers and was going to give it to me when I came back.I have been looking forward to it all the time, and I ask her about Xiao Hua's condition every day.But one day she suddenly said to me: "It's so pitiful, the flower is dead. I can't deliver it to you..." I was very puzzled, and after asking, I found out that the owner of the flower seller told her that this flower is yin of.And the summer in this isolated city is extremely hot, she was worried that the flowers would be heated to death, so she simply put them in the refrigerator.As a result, Hua'er was not killed by heat but was frozen to death.

I feel helpless for her stupidity.Think about it, that's a refrigerator!Xi Yin is not so happy.It's really pitiful for that little flower to fall into her hands. It must have been fatal.

But maybe I love her just like that.

Half a year ago, I met a girl who looked very much like Yao.Her name is L, she is a top student and a champion of the 800-meter long-distance race.She often wears a pair of yellow-rimmed glasses and has a ball head. Her thin figure makes me think that she is Yao.

I gave a lot willingly, and it seemed that I was out of the sea of ​​suffering during that time.But after a long time, I still found their differences. After all, there are no two identical leaves in the world.What I like is not her person, but Yao's shadow, just a little shadow.

She said she wanted to pull me out of the quagmire.Only to find that I've been ruined by that relationship.Tears filled my eyes in an instant, as if she had pierced my mask and beat me back to my original shape.But I said to her, no, I destroyed myself.

One day L asked me the answer to the encrypted album.After reading it, she came to me and asked, "Is that girl your sister?"

I was stunned for a long time and said: "Yes...it's my sister...'brother and sister'"

She looked through everything and said to me: "No wonder! I just said why I look so much like you."

"Huh? Like me? You're not mistaken, how is it like me?" I was taken aback.

"How should I put it...it's the feeling between the eyebrows!"

"Oh... is that so? You say she looks like me, should I be happy or sad?"

"Why do you say that?" She asked me, frowning.

I didn't answer again.

……

In the week before I started writing, Yao was in my dreams almost every night.I don't know if I am more afraid of insomnia or dreaming more.Or, are you used to it?

This relationship is like a deer on my body-it will always be a scar in my life.Although many people don't understand, but when I saw the deer bleeding on my body, I didn't regret it.I want to accompany it forever, take it to travel around the world, and take it to see the prosperity of the world and all kinds of life.Because it is the only thing Yao keeps with me, and the deer is my ring.I will tell everyone who walks through my life: This is my whole youth.

Although I am a sensitive time patient, fortunately I still have the desert at the bottom of the bottle to pursue, and I am still grateful to this world.

In the past two years, I have been wandering between "The Tower of Ivory" and "Cross Street".I have rejected the kindness of too many people, and rubbed shoulders with countless people.I don't want to become a Zen monk, I just want to obtain the smallest happiness of human beings, and then I can be a layman who can't be more vulgar.

I heard that she planted several pots of Pingting flowers on the balcony and took good care of them.And I am becoming more and more obsessed with flowers.Perhaps what I'm looking forward to now, as Edith Sodergrand puts it:

In this colorful world, all I want is a bench in a park with a cat basking in the sun, and I think I should sit there.A letter was pressed tightly against my chest, and I thought, this is my future.

September 2017, 3 night

The author has something to say:

Warm

One Saturday two years ago, the sun was just right, and we were all bored at home.She said she wanted to go to school to play ball with me, and I agreed.

When I came to school, there was no one on the basketball court, hehe, yes, this is suitable for couples.But we only played for a while, and a tall figure came down from the upper playground. I looked up, and it turned out to be the new physical education teacher from our school.Yao and I immediately became very nervous, if he found out about our relationship, it would be fine!So wisely, we pretended not to be familiar with it to try our best to avoid being seen as tricky.

The teacher called the two of us over and said on a whim that he would teach us how to play basketball, but we didn't refuse. (After all, I am a teacher, so let me save face.) He asked us to practice the three-step basket. Since I was good at it, I quickly passed the test and sat aside to rest.But she has been practicing. I watched her stupid way of practicing, and then tried again after failing. This is probably one of the reasons why I like her.

Dusk came slowly with the sound of basketball, and the setting sun sprinkled its golden color.We said goodbye to the teacher and rushed home.

I walked down the street sweating profusely with her, she was in front and I was behind, and I kept staring at her back.When the sun leaned gently on her body, my soul actually knelt down in front of her and said, "Yao Qian, marry me. I see the future."

She turned her head and saw me in a daze, and we smiled at each other.Fortunately, the teacher didn't see anything.

That is a simple happiness that I do not cherish.

April 2016

Let me spend all my youth looking for you.

——Xu Zhimo