poorer than

"What did you see when you stood outside the door?"

"I saw my mother pinching my brother."

"What's your reaction?"

"I wanted to go in but couldn't. I just watched my brother crying and calling me, but I just couldn't get in for some reason."

"Actually, have you ever thought that someone didn't let you in at that time?"

"Who?"

"Your father."

With a buzzing sound, memories swarmed in his mind and pushed him back to that time, the blood all over the floor, his mother with a hideous face, and Xia Xingcheng who was crying all the time after being frightened.

And what about him, is he watching?Why can't I get in?

Suddenly a hand covered his eyes, only to hear the choked words in his ears:

——Che Che don't look.

Is it his father's voice?

——Zhou Rui, I let go, you can go.

His father used a compromise in exchange for his brother's life. It was his mother who ruined everything. It turned out that the mother in memory was not gentle, but the cruelest person who destroyed their family.

With a 'bang' sound, it seemed as if the tightly held heartstrings were suddenly broken, he opened his eyes and sat up, the white room came into view, he lowered his head and panted rapidly, trying to relieve the fear in his heart.The memories that had been tampered with by him came back in droves, and he just remembered that it turned out to be like this.

He didn't want to go in, he couldn't go in, he wasn't cowardly, he wanted to go in.

"Did you remember?"

As if in a grotesque environment, a voice pulled him out. He looked at the white ceiling for a long time, and slowly realized what he was doing now. He was doing psychotherapy, and he was actively doing psychotherapy.

Bipolar affective disorder has made his life a torment and pain. He has been avoiding and dare not admit it, but he can no longer escape, because if he escapes again, he will hurt the person he loves the most.

He admitted that he had a problem, not Xia Xingcheng.

It turned out that he didn't refuse to go in, he didn't hide, he wasn't afraid, but his father held him and didn't let him in, because he was afraid that he would be frightened when he saw it, but Xia Xingcheng was still hurt in front of him, he still They failed to save Xia Xingcheng.

But he was still in pain.

Thinking of how Xia Xingcheng looked at him in the hot pot restaurant but couldn't see where he was, he felt more and more frightened, he bent down and buried his face in his hands, panting.

"no……"

He couldn't forgive himself at all.

"If you don't choose to forgive yourself you will never be able to properly express your mistakes, try to forgive yourself first."

"No..." Xia Xingche raised his head slightly, he looked at the lines in his palm, and something seemed to be shaking in the depths of his pupils: "I don't know how to forgive myself, and I want to forgive myself, but I have been enduring it all the time. I have been enduring, I have forgotten what forgiveness is. Not only can I not forgive myself, but I can't forgive the mother who hurt us so much!"

The sudden increase in volume caused the tense emotions to break instantly. He suddenly wanted to stand up, but was restrained by the straps on the chair and sat back down.

The moment he bumped back into the chair, he realized, no, why did he get angry again?

His mind was in a trance, did he do this every time, so subconsciously he couldn't forgive himself anyway, because he knew he would make mistakes.

He thought that he could let go with his brother's forgiveness during the time we were together, but he found that he still couldn't forgive himself in the end. What he did had deeply hurt Xia Xingcheng, and the damage to his eyes was irreversible.Now that Xia Xingcheng couldn't see again, it undoubtedly pushed his fear into the abyss again. No matter how anxious he was and how afraid that something would happen to Xia Xingcheng, he shouldn't hurt Xia Xingcheng with the vase.

Xia Xingcheng lost his memory because of being frightened when he was young. The doctor even said that the lack of oxygen in the brain oppressed the optic nerve. It was like a bomb that had been planted and exploded the moment he knocked it down with the vase.

Even if Xia Xingcheng didn't say anything about him, and even made it clear what was going on between his parents, this wasn't the reason why he could forgive himself, it was because he couldn't forgive himself anymore. He jumped in front of him again, and from then on he could no longer escape from such self-condemnation, he made a prison for himself and enclosed himself in it, and he couldn't find an exit for him to let go.

"Cheche."

Suddenly feeling his wrist being held by a hand beside him, he turned his head slightly, it was his father.

"It's not your fault, you're just sick, it's me and your mother's fault, don't blame yourself anymore, okay?" Xia Shangzhe looked at Xia Xingche, who was resistant to psychological treatment, and felt very uncomfortable: "You Let go of the self-condemnation in your heart, and don't let your brother be afraid anymore, you know?"

"Did I scare him... Yes, I scared him. I always think differently than what I say. I always hurt my brother, but I just want to treat him better. Why do I always Can't do it right..."

Xia Shangzhe looked at the boy in front of him sobbing and felt unbearably guilty. He held Xia Xingche's hand tightly and tried to give him some strength: "Son, it's dad who is sorry for you. I thought hiding it would be the greatest protection for you. It was I who made you hurt, and I will not do wrong things from now on."

"Then can my brother draw?"

"can."

"Have you made it clear to him?"

"In a few days, we agreed to meet Chengcheng and Lu Wei's family."

"...Will my brother want me?"

Xia Xingche's eyes were full of resistance, but he was very powerless. Xia Shangzhe sighed frequently in his heart. He still couldn't tell the children about the fact that his mother was still there. Rather than making them suffer even more, let it be like this, this matter is coming to an end , can't let the two children torture each other like this again, it's all his fault, so let him be the villain, it must be a kind of harm for that woman to appear again.

Moreover, Xia Xingche's illness could not be delayed any longer, and had to be controlled with drugs. Physical and psychological problems had already strained the child's mind to the extreme.

"Will not."

"Then can I go? I want to see my brother. I haven't seen him for several days."

"it is good."

Xia Shangzhe glanced at the doctor, but the doctor's eyes were not what he wanted to see, but shaking his head regretfully.

At that moment, his heart seemed to be crushed heavily by a boulder.

How could he accept the punishment with peace of mind.

.

Tonight's dinner is destined to be an extraordinary night, because once the parents of the two sides meet, it is really not just a meal, but he looked at his father and Lu Wei's parents who were talking happily at the table, and he was a little confused for a while , Why is it different from what he thought?

Quietly surprised.

Later, the adults were sitting in the living room drinking tea and eating desserts. He and Xia Xingche really belonged to the younger generation and couldn't get in the way at all. Lu Wei could still be cueed by his parents to chat about business matters, so they could only stay silent. sit aside.

He wanted to chat with Xia Xingche several times, but he found that Xia Xingche was still staring at him closely, as if he was observing something, and didn't say anything. He was a little puzzled, didn't he say he had something to say to him of it?

"What's the matter?" Lu Wei asked after noticing Xia Xingcheng's abnormality.

"Brother Wei, Xia Xingche made my scalp tingle, but he didn't speak." Xia Xingcheng whispered into Lu Wei's ear, "Look at his burning eyes, like torches, piercing, hissing with emotion—"

He clutched his thigh in pain and looked at Lu Wei angrily, as if he was aggrieved why he pinched his thigh.

"The sentimentality is for me, not for your brother." Lu Wei said with a smile: "Understood?"

"...hehe." Xia Xingcheng smiled embarrassedly: "My Chinese is not very good."

Xia Xingche's eyes fell on the two people on the opposite side, and he clasped his hands uncomfortably. After hesitating and hesitating for a long time, he tried to speak: "Brother, can we go out and have a chat?"

"Let's go." Xia Xingcheng shook Lu Wei's hand vigorously, and then whispered: "Talk for us, I will go out with Xia Xingche to solve it."

After speaking, he stood up and wanted to slip away.

Lu Wei immediately grabbed this guy: "No quarrels, no fights, do you hear me?"

"I know, I know."

It started to snow a little outside, and because it was a bit cold, the two of them stood on the balcony and did not go downstairs.

"Brother, I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry again? What are you sorry for me this time? Didn't you tell me that you're still sorry?" Xia Xingcheng didn't expect the man to be sorry again when he opened his mouth. When he turned his head to look at him, he found that Xia Xingche was in tears: "..."

Oh huh, how can this be done.

He touched his pocket with his hand, but found that he couldn't touch a tissue.

"I'm really afraid that you really can't see. These days, I've been thinking that if you really can't see, then I will donate your cornea to you. I hurt you, and I'm guilty."

Xia Xingcheng felt very sad when he saw his big and tall brother looking at Xue like this and shed tears. The scene was very sad, but when he heard about the cornea donation, he simply lifted his foot and kicked his ass.

"Nonsense! It's not you who hurt me, don't always be like this. Didn't you say that you went to see a doctor, and you haven't adjusted yourself yet?"

To be honest, his heart is actually slowly letting go. Tiring things like grudges are not suitable for him. If he can delete his memory with one click, he would rather not remember anything, but now that he remembers it, he can only face it and let it go. To move forward, not backward.

This accident was really an accident, but it was a good start, since he is already healed, it doesn't matter.

Xia Xingche was caught off guard by kicking his butt and staggered two steps, but he didn't say anything, just touched his butt, and then continued: "These days I've been thinking, if you really can't see me, I'll take care of you , even if you beat me and scold me, I have no regrets."

Xia Xingcheng withdrew his legs speechlessly: "Can you expect me to order something? Why is your heart so vicious? I think you want me to be blind?"

"I have been refusing to admit that I have a problem, and treat you carefully all day long, for fear that you will be stimulated and think of things when you were a child, and I am also afraid that you will make fun of your cowardice. Back then, I didn't go in even though you called me that way, I regret it I blame myself." Xia Xingche put his hands on the railing, and let Xiaoxue fall on his palms: "I always thought it was my father who killed my mother. I hate him very much, why didn't he show up at that time? Mom wouldn't die if it happened, and you wouldn't get hurt. Until I remembered that wasn't the case."

Xia Xingcheng felt a little cold and put his hands in his pockets: "I told you that you misremembered, did you ask Dad?"

"The day before yesterday, I asked for leave to go back to Lu City, and I remembered it under the guidance of a psychiatrist."

Xia Xingcheng nodded: "What did the doctor say? Did you take any medicine?"

"I'm sick, but I've always refused to admit it." Xia Xingche looked at his hands that were flushed red by the wind as if he didn't feel anything, he smiled softly: "Maybe if you don't get well this time, I'll really go crazy .”

"...What are you crazy about?" Xia Xingcheng felt a little numb when he saw that he was so cold and stretched out his hand, so he quickly pulled his hand back: "If you have something to say, talk it out, take two steps back and talk."

After speaking, pull the person away from the railing, just in case.

But it feels a little strange.

"I always thought that it was you who was sick, but in the end I hurt you because of excessive neuroticism. I studied hard and took all the responsibilities on myself. I thought I could stand in front of you and make you happy, but instead it was self-defeating. Obviously I took out all the paintings in the studio, and I had the opportunity to tell you that day, but I resisted because of your suspicious tone. In a fit of anger, I deliberately said that I burned it, and took all the faults on myself body."

"I didn't realize it until I saw you were blindfolded with gauze. What did I do? Why did I say that and why did I deliberately anger you? Now that I think about it, I'm really crazy."

"I obviously just helped you wash your clothes, why do you say that I lost them, crazy."

"I just want to see if your hands are bandaged, but I want to tell you to stand up, crazy."

"I'm obviously just worried that you forgot to go back to the dormitory after playing outside for too long, and you have to go to your class dormitory to find you after studying every day, crazy."

"I was clearly worried about you but I never explained it. I used a very awkward way and unintentionally made you hate me even more, crazy."

Xia Xingcheng's scalp went numb from a series of 'crazy' words.

"Don't do this, I don't blame you." He had already decided to let go of the past, and he wanted to live a new life, so he didn't want Xia Xingche to continue like this: "The past is over, I am now It's okay, the doctor said I'm recovering well, as long as you live happily and avoid getting hurt, you'll-"

"But I can't forgive myself!"

The sudden roar startled him, and seeing Xia Xingche's unfriendly expression made him feel a little cold.

"I can't forgive myself..." Xia Xingche held onto his shoulders tightly, his expression in a daze: "I can't forgive myself..."

Looking at Xia Xingche like this, he suddenly panicked, as if he saw Xia Xingche who was out of control that day again:

"Xia Xingche, calm down, if you have something to say, don't be impulsive, okay—"

As a result, just as he finished speaking, Xia Xingche covered his mouth forcefully. His eyes widened in shock, but the next second he saw Xia Xingche crying like a helpless child.

"Brother, let's not talk and hide, so that no one will hurt us, yes, let's hide."

Xia Xingche's situation was obviously already very bad, his eyes were full of uneasiness and fear, he looked around as if he was afraid that something terrible would strike, his body was trembling non-stop.

Xia Xingcheng: "..." What to do, is this a disease?

So scared.