SAYE

Jiang Cheng forced himself to believe that people actually need to confide.

Although many times I feel that I don't want to talk, I don't want to move, I just want to be so stuffy and suffocated, afraid that even a slight movement will stir up the sediment under the already calm water.

But the same sentence and thought linger in my mind over and over again, leaving a trace every time I touch it, going back and forth, slowly piling up, and finally turning into a mountain that cannot be climbed.

Open your mouth, speak out, hear your own voice, clearly hear every sentence in your heart, every word, every thought, complaint, grievance, anger, incomprehension... at the moment you speak From a moment on, I pulled away sentence by sentence, and what was left in the end was the direction where you were buried deepest.

In the last week before the final exam, Jiang Cheng went to University B to look for Xu Xingzhi three times in a row.

"It's not considered psychological counseling, you can chat with me," Xu Xingzhi said, "You talk, I'll listen."

There are some things that can be said in front of a relatively unfamiliar person. Xu Xingzhi is a perfect listener to Jiang Cheng's venting confession.

He didn't even give any advice, just listened quietly and responded once or twice.

Jiang Cheng felt that he didn't say as much in a month as he did in the past few days. He never thought that he had so many things in his heart.

"I'm not afraid of being denied by others. I haven't been affirmed much since I was a child. To affirm myself, I still have to listen to myself. If I say I'm good, I'm good." Jiang Cheng hugged the cat, on the cat's belly Grabbing lightly, "How much I have done for him, if one day it will be erased, then erase it, I don't care, I don't want him to remember me for what I did, think of me, how good I am I know it myself, I don't need him to know what I did, what I do, because I want to."

"Thousands of money are hard to buy, I am willing." Xu Xingzhi said.

"Well," Jiang Cheng pinched the cat's paw, "but I know why he was. I always wanted to ask why, why why? Later, when I thought about it, there was no reason, how did he grow up, and what environment did he grow up in? Yes, what he is most afraid of is earning nothing, because he knows best what it feels like to earn nothing. Giving up on himself is the way he is best at protecting, whether it is protecting himself or others... How many times do I say this? How many times? I feel like I say it every time?"

"I didn't pay attention," Xu Xingzhi smiled, "I said the important things three times, and I kept saying the most important things... Your voice is better today."

"It's much better. The split voice has returned to that of a male duck." Jiang Cheng took a sip of tea and looked down at the squinting cat. "It should be fine when the holidays..."

"That day you said you still wanted me to meet my sister, right?" Xu Xingzhi reached out and hugged a passing black cat from the window sill, and put it on his lap to rub its fur.

"Well, I know about this, so...it's hard for you," Jiang Cheng bit his lip, "But now I really have no other choice, I really like little girls, and, even if there is a little girl His progress can also give her brother hope."

"I can go, but if I go, what if he doesn't agree?" Xu Xingzhi said, "After all, you two are like this now because he doesn't want you to earn nothing."

These words made Jiang Cheng frowned.

Every time he faced Xu Xingzhi and talked to himself like a surging river, he actually avoided this detail.

No, it's not the details, it's the source of all his confides.

He avoided it. Although he didn't avoid it deliberately, he still did it subconsciously.

He talked about himself, about Gu Fei, he could explain all the whys, my whys, his whys.

Like an old fairy who has experienced everything in the world.

But when Xu Xingzhi said "you two are like this now", he suddenly came back to his senses, and once again faced the reality of him and Gu Fei.

No matter how much is said, how much is explained to oneself.

They broke up after all.

Since that day until now, they haven't been in touch for even a second.

Gu Fei's circle of friends has not been updated.

Jiang Cheng's circle of friends will still be updated frequently, but he has never posted content that only Gu Fei can understand the second meaning.

No more selfies.

Jiang Cheng leaned on the back of the chair, and lit up the phone screen casually.

The lock screen and desktop are still Gu Fei, and the WeChat chat background is also Gu Fei, but he has been turning a blind eye.

In Gu Fei's field of vision, these familiar photos and familiar faces were all blocked unconsciously by him, and he never clicked on the full photos and videos stored in his phone.

It wasn't until now that he was aroused by fresh pain again, and he sighed softly. Those big moves that abuse dogs are now the ones who abuse him.

"I think you need to have a clear understanding of a few issues." Xu Xingzhi looked at him.

"Yeah." Jiang Cheng put the phone on the table.

"First, Gu Fei may refuse treatment. Second, treatment may not be effective, because the previous judgment is based on the fact that he has not seen anyone." Xu Xingzhi said in a calm voice, "Third, you When I have time and willingness, I will give you an anxiety test..."

"Are you afraid that I will be depressed?" Jiang Cheng smiled.

"Not really," Xu Xingzhi said, "but you are quite anxious now."

"Yeah." Jiang Cheng sighed.

"There is another very important point," Xu Xingzhi said, "I remind you as a friend, don't pin your hopes of getting back together on your sister. This kind of exchange mentality is not good for both of you."

"I understand," Jiang Cheng nodded, "Thank you."

He himself has been studying psychology books for a long time. If there is anything he doesn't understand, ask Xu Xingzhi, and he will help explain it.

Jiang Cheng knew that his current state was not good, and he kept everything in his heart, even if he told Xu Xingzhi for an hour.

The current state is probably - I understand the truth, but why does my heart hurt.jpg.

But for him, it is already very satisfying to be able to speak with his voice and fall asleep when he sleeps.

Especially being able to fall asleep, continuous insomnia can really break people down.

"You should still take the capsule, and wait for the sleep to adjust." Zhao Ke said.

"En." Jiang Cheng responded.

The Sleeping Capsule that Zhao Ke said is still useful. He had insomnia before the college entrance examination, so he took this. Now that Jiang Cheng has insomnia, he recommended it.

One before going to bed, health-care medicine, not a sleeping pill, but I don't know if it's a psychological effect or it's really useful, anyway, Jiang Cheng can fall asleep before two o'clock.

As long as he can fall asleep, his complexion was so bad during this period that the counselor talked to him and asked him if he was under too much pressure from studying.

He still wants to go back to the steel mill during the Chinese New Year. He doesn't want people to see him losing his love and losing his shape. It's too embarrassing.

I don't know what's going on with Gu Fei now.

How is it at school.

How about at home.

Has the lens been replaced with a new one, and is there any money to replace it?

Where's the phone?I haven’t posted on Moments. Is it because I’m in a bad mood, or because my phone is really broken and I haven’t bought a new one?

Still taking pictures?Are you still taking Gu Miao out to skateboard?

Are you still laughing?

As long as one of these thoughts pops up, it will quickly spread into a large area, unstoppable like a virus multiplying.

Jiang Cheng jumped out of bed, grabbed a cool candy from Lu Shi's desk, and stuffed it into his mouth.

Lu Shi's refreshing candy is not bad, once you put it in your mouth, you will feel refreshed and ventilated within two seconds, which will make you feel refreshed.

But compared to the one Gu Fei gave him before, it was still not strong enough.

Gu Fei.

Gu Fei Gu Fei Gu Fei.

Hold.

Annoyed, Jiang Cheng peeled off another piece of candy and stuffed it into his mouth, but he didn't keep it in his mouth. It was all crushed, and it seemed as if it was about to be torn off from his throat to the top of the sky.

Jiang Cheng wiped away the tears from the cold.

Cool.

"You guys go on vacation so early? A week earlier than others?" Li Yan was squatting on the steps in front of the shop, playing with his mobile phone.

"Well," Gu Fei said, smoking a cigarette, "If the usual classes are arranged as tightly as other schools, I could have a vacation last month."

"Kesong is also pretty good." Li Yan took a photo of him with his mobile phone, "It's less stressful."

"Don't post my photo on Moments." Gu Fei said.

"Don't worry," Li Yan said, "If I want to post, I will post them in groups, and I won't let... see it."

"En." Gu Fei responded.

Although this was his request, but for some reason, when Li Yanzhen did it, he felt a little bit disappointed. Those vague connections between him and Jiang Cheng were cut off bit by bit.

"Did Sister Xin introduce you to some amazing fashion photography?" Li Yan continued to play the game, "She said you still have to think about it, what are you thinking about? With so much money, I don't even think about taking pictures of me naked." .”

Gu Fei squinted at him.

"Why? My figure is not bad, so I'm not afraid of being exposed." Li Yan said.

Gu Fei took a puff of cigarette, and continued to squint at him.

"I know you only see Jiang Cheng's figure..." Before Li Yan finished speaking, he looked at Gu Fei for a while and then moved to the side, "I just said it."

Gu Fei looked at him without saying a word, stared at him for a while before turning back and continuing to look at the snow on the road in a daze.

"Da Fei," Li Yan said, "I've always felt that what's written in the book, the eyes that can kill people, are all nonsense."

"It was originally." Gu Fei said.

"No," Li Yan said, "I saw it just now, and I feel like you could kill me with a single glance. It's very... scary."

"You were not killed by my eyeballs." Gu Fei took a puff of cigarette, "You died because of talking too much."

"You can't do it at all." Li Yan probably couldn't get past this level, and turned to look at him with some displeasure, "You seem to be captured every day."

"Just don't keep mentioning him every day," Gu Fei said, "If you can't control your mouth, don't run to me all day. Aren't you in a relationship, hurry up and start a relationship."

"I said it twice last week, and I said it the other day when I was eating big bones." Li Yan kept staring at him, "I'm single now."

"Oh." Gu Fei responded.

"Fuck," Li Yan looked at the time, "I'm leaving, I'm looking for dinner, you should die."

"Go away." Gu Fei said.

After Li Yan left, Gu Fei was stunned for a while, then turned around and entered the shop.

Liu Li built a stove by the back door, and was roasting sweet potatoes with charcoal fire, while Gu Miao was staring at the sweet potatoes intently.

Gu Fei thought this person was amazing, smoking was not allowed in the shop, but sweet potatoes could be baked on the stove.

But now the store is owned by others, so they have the final say.

"Here." Liu Li took a small plate and gave Gu Miao a baked sweet potato.

Gu Miao took it, bowed to him, turned around and ran out, bumping into Gu Fei directly.

"Slow down." Gu Fei helped her up.

Gu Miao held up the plate to him.

"You can eat," Gu Fei said, "My brother is not hungry now, and I don't want to eat."

Gu Miao didn't move, she held the plate persistently until Gu Fei took away the sweet potatoes on the plate, then she returned to the stove with the plate and waited for the next one.

"How sensible." Liu Li said.

Gu Fei didn't make a sound, he leaned against the cash register and blew on the sweet potato in his hand, looking at Gu Miao's back.

Although he had lost contact with Jiang Cheng for a long time, he still couldn't return to his previous life.

When he looked at Gu Miao, Liu Li, his mother, the steel factory, and the people around him, his feeling was no longer the same as before.

Forget it, Brother Cheng.

He had already forgotten the mood when he said those words.

He didn't know what Jiang Cheng's reaction would be.

Maybe want to beat him up.

He hasn't really fought with Jiang Cheng yet, theoretically speaking, Jiang Cheng is no match for him, but in such a situation, Jiang Cheng's player may explode with great strength.

Is it?

Not necessarily.

Jiang Cheng, who was so stubborn, so arrogant, and so proud, might not even bother to make a move in the face of his blunt and relentless knife.

Gu Fei smiled.

"That's right," Liu Li said, "Do you think it's funny too?"

"Ah," Gu Fei responded, he didn't know what Liu Li said, "I'm going out for a walk."

"It's so cold outside," Liu Li said, "I found that your physical fitness is really good, you hang around all day."

Gu Fei didn't speak, wrapped his scarf and walked out.

He did hang around all day.

Wandering around aimlessly.

He didn't let anyone mention Jiang Cheng in front of him, but Jiang Cheng was always in his mind.

He was like a anxious animal, unable to stay in any one place for a long time, he had to keep walking around, because every time he saw, it was Jiang Cheng.

Jiang Cheng only stayed here for two years, but he left countless traces. No matter where he looked, it was Jiang Cheng.

In the store, at home, on the road, this place where he has lived for nearly 20 years, now every place is filled with Jiang Cheng's aura.

Those good memories that he once tried so hard to give to Jiang Cheng are all left here now, becoming the pain that makes him unable to breathe.

He can't stay in the store, he walks around, but every step is full of memories.

He suddenly felt very scared, and he didn't dare to think about how he was going to keep walking in such memories.

In front was the building where Jiang Cheng was renting. He slowed down and looked up at the window.

Everything was as usual, the windows were closed, the curtains were drawn, and the small empty flower pot on the window sill was still in place, and he could still see Jiang Cheng taking out pebbles from the flower pot and aiming at him.

After standing downstairs for a while, he walked into the corridor and slowly walked upstairs step by step.

When he walked all the way to the door of the room, he had the illusion that Jiang Cheng would suddenly rush up and pinch his ass before running away.

He glanced back, seeing that there was no one in the corridor full of sundries, he took out the key and opened the door.

Usually, he would come to clean up every day, wipe the table and mop the floor, and spray some lemonade.

But he didn't come back after calling Jiang Cheng last time, and now when he opened the door, he could already smell a faint smell of loneliness in the room.

He went into the kitchen, rubbed the rag, returned to the living room and stood there for a while, then began to wipe the table slowly.

The sofa was also dusty. He spread the rag on the sofa and patted it up and down. Within a minute, he couldn't bear it.

hug.

Come, come, brother Cheng, give me a hug.

He quickly picked up the rag and turned around to wipe the coffee table a few times, but stopped when he wanted to enter the bedroom.

After standing at the door of the bedroom for an unknown amount of time, he opened the door and walked in.

Brother Cheng is everywhere.

Brother Cheng is everywhere.

Brother Cheng is everywhere.

Brother Cheng will not come back again.

Gu Fei opened the window to take a breath, and wiped Jiang Cheng's desk in the cold wind coming in from the window.

Gu Fei, I have no home anymore.

He frowned.

Jiang Cheng's home is not here, and Jiang Cheng's home should not be him.

One day Jiang Cheng will have a new home, a real home.

He wiped the table vigorously, but felt tired after a few strokes, very tired.

He sat down and turned on the lamp.

Warm yellow light flooded the table.

Why did I come here to clean up, this place I dare not come in again, what is the meaning of cleaning up, Jiang Cheng should never appear here again...

Chinese New Year is coming soon, where will Jiang Cheng go?

That kind of heartache appeared suddenly, like a thin needle pierced into my heart, throbbing with pain.

He has thought about this question from the very beginning, but he has never dared to think about it. Now that the holiday is about to start, everyone is thinking about going home, and he suddenly felt so distressed that he couldn't breathe .

If Jiang Cheng could go to Pan Zhi's house, Pan Zhi would definitely drag him to spend the New Year with him as a friend of Tie's.

But Gu Fei knew that Jiang Cheng didn't want to go back to that city...then where would he go?

Stomach pain.

Was it infected by Contestant Jiang Cheng?

Gu Fei clutched his stomach and bent down, pressed his forehead against the edge of the table, gritted his teeth and gasped for a long time before he recovered.

He felt that he shouldn't be so babbling, since he had already spoken, he shouldn't bother Jiang Cheng anymore, and Jiang Cheng might not need his care anymore.

But after coming out of the rental room, he still went home first, found his old mobile phone from the drawer, put the card in it, plugged in the charger and turned it on.

His hands trembled a little when he opened WeChat. He didn't dare to look at the red number in the lower left corner, let alone click on it. He was afraid that he would see Jiang Cheng's name, and he was also afraid that he might not see Jiang Cheng's name.

He found Pan Zhi's name directly from the contacts and clicked on it.

Then I don't know what to say.

How is Jiang Cheng, how does Jiang Cheng celebrate the New Year, does Jiang Cheng go to your house during the winter vacation, how does Jiang Cheng arrange for the winter vacation... his mind is in a mess, and no matter what, he can't find the right sentence.

In the end, he only sent two words.

-Are you there?

Before he could figure out what to say next, he saw a red exclamation mark in front of the two words.

- Your male god has turned on friend verification, and you are not his (her) friend yet.Please send a friend verification request first, and the other party can only chat after the verification is passed.

Gu Fei stared at these words for a long time before he finally came to his senses.

Pan Zhi deleted his friend.

As expected of Jiang Cheng's best friend.

Gu Fei turned off the phone and threw it back into the drawer, leaned back in the chair, raised his head and let out a long sigh.

The corner of his left eye was itchy, and he quickly pressed his hand on it.

"I really didn't buy a ticket." Pan Zhi sat on Jiang Cheng's chair, "Are you sure he can fit in the car? There is no one else."

"There's no one else," Jiang Cheng said, "It's just you and me, and Xu Xingzhi."

"Not to mention more..." Pan Zhi turned his head and glanced at Zhao Ke, "Is his sister?"

"My sister is not sure yet, and it's useless for her to go, she's just going to join in the fun as a tourist," Zhao Ke said, "Xu Xingzhi hasn't decided whether to take her or not."

"Oh," Pan Zhi thought for a while, "Let's go, I'm just traveling for fun anyway."

Zhao Ke smiled and climbed onto the bed to pack his things.

Jiang Cheng poked Pan Zhi's arm with his finger.

"Huh?" Pan Zhi turned to look at him.

"Would you like to show some face?" Jiang Cheng said in a low voice.

"Why am I shameless? All my face is saved by me very much." Pan Zhi also lowered his voice, "And let me tell you, Cheng'er, is your voice still good?"

"Why?" Jiang Cheng said.

"Now the sound is so magnetic that I'm not used to it," Pan Zhi said.

"Let's wait a while," Jiang Cheng cleared his throat, "I don't know why it didn't get better after so long, maybe I'm tired of studying too."

"By the way, there is one more thing," Pan Zhi said, "I won't stay in a hotel with that Xu Xingzhi, I want to stay with you."

"En." Jiang Cheng responded.

"Or..." Pan Zhi hesitated, and whispered, "Let's stay in a hotel together?"

"No need," Jiang Cheng said, "The house hasn't been moved yet, so I have to go there anyway. My things are still there, and I still need to get my clothes."

"I'm a little worried." Pan Zhi looked at him.

"What should be faced must be faced," Zhao Ke said while packing his things on the bed, "It's useless to escape."

"As expected of someone who has never been in love." Pan Zhi sighed.

"It seems that someone has been here," Zhao Ke poked his head out and looked at him, "I must have been here at least twenty times?"

"Is there anyone in charge of this guy?" Pan Zhi asked.

"Not anymore." Jiang Cheng said.

Everyone in the dormitory had bought tickets and was about to go home, but Jiang Cheng didn't buy a ticket, Xu Xingzhi had to drive there, and he had to bring his cat master with him when he went far.

All the itineraries were arranged, but Jiang Cheng was always a little flustered.

He couldn't stay in the dormitory, and wandering around the school after leaving the dormitory was also a little bit lost. Pan Zhi came over and he was a little relieved.

For the first time, he realized so deeply that there is no destination and no place to belong, how debilitating it is.