Chasing the Deer Diary [Rebirth]

Wednesday March 1

I haven't talked much to my mother Zhu Jun these two days, and they didn't say to restrict my association with Lu Yunxiu.

They may not want to intensify the conflict yet, so I hope I will wake up.

Zhu Jun probably also felt that he had gone too far that day, so he didn't pick on me anymore, and I treated him like nothing and didn't rush up to give me a kick.

I also gradually calmed down, but when I thought of the original scene, I felt that the belt tightened my neck again.

However, I couldn't be completely indifferent, and started to alienate Lu Yunxiu involuntarily.

He seemed to be preparing for some piano competition recently, and he ran over excitedly to talk to me during class break on Monday, but my reaction was perfunctory.He stopped and remained silent knowingly, and went back to work after blowing with me for a while.

He may think that I am in a bad mood, I may be a little emotional at ordinary times.

In fact, I don't think so much is useful. I don't know what people think.

If Lu Yunxiu was a big girl, I would rush to confess my love in minutes.But Lu Yunxiu... If I really say something, I'm afraid it will be an offense and cause him trouble.

He is such a perfect person, and he cares about me so much, I don't want to drag him into this bottomless muddy water.

Anyway, I'm still in the same school now, I don't see him when I look down, it's good, I don't want to watch him cry anymore.

Look at him from a distance, just keep some words in your heart.

(...I just want to look up to the sky and sigh)

Tuesday 1 October

Lu Yunxiu hasn't come to see me for a long time.In December last year, the Central Propaganda Committee had frequent meetings, and they always stayed late until school was over, so they didn't go together at night.

The time we meet each day is only at lunch and between classes, but Fang Zhe and I are the only ones left for dinner these days.

I breathed a sigh of relief and felt empty. Fang Zhe said that he has been very busy recently, and when asked what he was busy with, he said he didn't know.

Fang Zhe and Lu Yunxiu are not the same kind of people. They are both related to my fan friends who have always maintained neither salt nor taste. You can't expect him to understand your fan friends like you know your girlfriend.

"You are as good as him wearing a pair of pants. You don't know after talking for a long time. I still want to ask you. Did you fight?" Fang Zhe asked.

I said, no, I just can't touch a piece.

But Fang Zhe was very interesting. He heard that I wanted to know, so he asked Lu Yunxiu the next day.

It turned out that Lu Yunxiu really participated in the piano competition, and he is very famous in the world, and he will go to Poland to participate in the competition.

When I was in junior high school, I participated in a summer camp to Europe, and I also went to Chopin’s former residence—oh yes, Lu Yunxiu participated in the Chopin Youth Piano Competition, which seems to be the name—and the Summer Palace.

In the past few years, I haven't brought up the matter of playing abroad, but the foreign style in my memory has not faded.

Different air, different water, different scenery and different people, sometimes I wonder if I have been to these places.Because there is a big gap with the reality in front of me, if I go a lot, the less I feel surprised, the more I feel like I can't grasp anything.

Lu Yunxiu may only become a landscape in my memory in the future, and now I feel that I am drifting away from him.

By the time you finish high school, if not in a college, the relationship can fade quickly.

After all, he and I are not the same kind of people.

Friday, October 1

I really feel uncomfortable all day if I don't do anything, and today I almost got into the cracks of the ground again and died of shame.

The cause of the incident was that a gay bar opened in front of our school last week...

God, my curiosity at that time almost broke through the sky.Every time I couldn't help but make a detour, and then passed by the door with a cold face.

For this reason, I specifically told the driver not to pick me up during this time.

In fact, with my ability to do things, I wouldn't go in if I strolled for a month, but I'm afraid there may be a coincidence.

Li Xiao has a good buddy from Class [-] called Sun Rui who is a frequent visitor there—I don’t know what kind of good buddy he is, so when he is not at the gate of our school, he always takes care of the boss’s business.

Sun Rui's mobile phone was dropped by Li Xiao, so he borrowed a classmate's mobile phone to send a message telling him to send him to the bar after school.It was not the first time for Li Xiao to go, so he agreed without taking it seriously.

He said that after school, he would wait for him at the door to deliver things to Sun Rui, and Hong Tian asked a lot: "Where are you going to deliver it? Let's go together."

Li Xiao has reported the facts. I thought everyone would be so shocked that they couldn't keep their mouths shut. I didn't expect Hong Tian to take the lead and say: "Okay, let's go and have a look. Brother Tian'er, I haven't been in any bar before, just to show us experience."

The rest of the people looked concerned and their eyes sparkled with excitement.On the other hand, I am so excited that I am more than politely agreeing.

Or say that people with ghosts in their hearts are not frank.

This gay bar is dominated by men, and the only few girls come with male friends.They looked chic and casual, enjoying themselves, but we didn't know where to put our hands and feet, as if we were entering the city for the first time.

Sun Rui was in the inner compartment, and Li Xiao asked us to wait at the bar, and he will be back soon.

We nodded quickly, sat together in a pile, didn't dare to talk nonsense, and ordered a glass of Sprite each in a very useless way.

One of the biggest characteristics of my group of friends is that the second period of middle school passed early, and they will not be self-righteous and stupid outside. Compared with them, I am sometimes bold and reckless.

They turned their backs, their schoolbags blocked most of their school uniforms, and raised their eyes to peek at the tables sitting behind the bar and the bartender.

No wonder they lack self-confidence, who still wears school uniforms when they go to bars?It's normal to be afraid of being recognized by people doing such lowly things.

But I was a bit past the stage of taking people by clothes, so I threw my backpack under my feet, turned around and looked at these "men and women" generously-there are really few pairs of girls here.

In the dazzling lights, you can occasionally see a few school uniforms of the same style, most of them are young people in their 20s.

Some of them are very fashionable, with unconventional dyed hair, more earrings than girls, and fashionable bright leather, but to my surprise, most of them are ordinary.

It’s no different from most of the men I meet outside of here. There are sunnyboys who smile as soon as they meet and even have sunshine in their clothes; There are college students who are shy at first glance, and there are also walking hormones who don't like to joke and go straight to boxers.

All kinds of people, the kind you might meet in any bar.

I looked at this and looked at that table, and I was always in a dazed state, until a man in a shirt at the table diagonally opposite winked and smiled at me, and then walked towards the bar with a glass of wine, and I was instantly sober.

At that time, I was in a mess, and all I could think about was: help me, how should I explain...

Fortunately, Li Xiao came back in time and told us to leave.I quickly picked up my schoolbag and tried to stand in the center of the crowd.

When I got to the door of the bar, I turned around and looked inside again.

The dim blue light seems to hide countless secrets, a bit like a certain game scene, there is no one who knows what boss is waiting for the hero to challenge.

After I challenged them, I realized that I have no interest in them at all. The excitement is far worse than participating in a party full of girls, let alone chatting with Lu Yunxiu.

I don't know if this is a problem, but I'm sure of one thing at least, that is, I just like Lu Yunxiu, and the rest is no different from most heterosexual boys.I am not and do not want to be a woman at all, and neither is Lu Yunxiu in my heart.

So am I gay?Should I attribute myself to this circle?

I don't know, it seems more lonely this way.But I would rather be alone, and never meet another person who likes Lu Yunxiu. If there is a little selfishness, it is best not to be a girl.

Determining this doesn't seem to be of any use to the relationship between me and him. Even if I have a [-]% chance of becoming gay, and after meeting Lu Yunxiu, I will become [-]% gay, but my mood still involuntarily becomes lighter.

Maybe it's because I'm so slightly different, or maybe I like to associate Lu Yunxiu with any "one and only".

The cold wind in the twelfth lunar month has softened, and the sighs of Hong Tian and Guo Yichen are also particularly joyful.

Li Xiao said helplessly: "That's not the case at all. I used to do this with Sun Rui, and I didn't think anything of it. Besides, there are many straight men who come to play with friends. You don't need to think too complicated."

Hong Tian smiled and asked him: "Are we thinking too complicated, or are you thinking too naively?"

Li Xiao rolled his eyes, as if he was too lazy to talk to you.

Hong Tian knew enough was enough, so he didn't run on Li Xiao any more, and said, "It's fine for our brothers to be cowardly in there just now, there is no way to fix it, at least we have to come out like Li Xiao said, come out with a beautiful look."

Guo Yichen responded first and said: "Brother Tian'er is right, I will show my eight teeth first, you can do whatever you want."

After finishing speaking, Guo Yichen was as happy as a flower bone.

Hong Tian and I couldn't help laughing, we patted his shoulders vigorously from left to right: "Well done!"

Li Xiao walked in front alone, and I heard him whisper sincerely: "I don't know them, I don't know them."

When we said these words, we hadn’t actually left the bar. This bar is very design-oriented, and the exit is separated from the bar by a dance floor and a long corridor.

Because of Guo Yichen's "spotted clothes entertaining relatives", when we walked to the door, our facial muscles were in the state of "can't be counseled" that Hong Tian said before, not only not counseling, we were as happy as flowers.

So I went to Li Xiao's side and wanted to ask him why he didn't leave, and when I saw Lu Yunxiu, Fang Zhe and their classmates, their expressions didn't restrain themselves in the slightest.