Stand at forty

"Ayi, have you experienced any major events that changed your outlook on life?"

Just like this, the question came out, and finally, Yu Jinhuan watched Yuan Tianyi with tender eyes, not letting go of any slight changes on his face.

Yuan Tianyi froze for a moment, his eyes drifted a little, as if he didn't dare to look at him, and seemed to be trapped in the memories of the past.

"Has Xiao Huan noticed it too?" Yuan Tianyi looked up, "After returning from Los Angeles, my mood is always a little unstable. I consulted my psychiatrist, and his advice was to find a reliable person to talk to. After we chatted, people in my family also persuaded me, I made up my mind to talk to you after Christmas, but it’s a pity—"

Yuan Tianyi paused for a while, and then said reluctantly: "Afterwards, our relationship became cold again, and I put this matter aside, Xiao Huan wants to know?"

Yuan Tianyi turned his head to look at Yu Jinhuan, Yu Jinhuan nodded vigorously, and held Yuan Tianyi's head in his hands, "I'm worried and a little scared. You often overreact, think negatively, and sometimes go to extremes. I Always be careful not to step on your minefield, although sometimes this is also a kind of joy of life, but sometimes when I relax, maybe I ignore what makes each other sad, I don’t want to do this.”

Yuan Tianyi blinked his eyes, his eyes were still a little evasive, but he did not refuse to meet Yu Jinhuan's eyes.

"I know it's not a good memory, but I hope you will tell me slowly, okay?" Yu Jinhuan didn't want to force the other party, and after saying this, Yuan Tianyi returned to his habitual appearance.

"Why don't you tell me what you thought when you first met me."

Yuan Tianyi glanced at Yu Jinhuan in surprise: "Don't you already know?"

"There is always a difference between what you write and what you say, and now we have such a long time, you can talk to me slowly and in detail." After Yu Jinhuan finished speaking, he habitually wanted to stuff himself into Yuan Yuan. Tianyi's chest, when he was about to get close to him, suddenly realized that the opponent was injured, he quickly stopped the momentum, moved his body, and lay down on Yuan Tianyi's lap.

He looked at Yuan Tianyi's retracted and outstretched arms, and muttered with some dissatisfaction: "Don't be so loyal, okay? I don't want you to spoil me regardless of your body. I will feel uncomfortable if you do this..."

As he spoke, Yu Jinhuan became depressed, unable to turn over, so he had to close his eyes.

Yuan Tianyi's warm palms covered his face, "Don't be sad, Xiao Huan, I can only rely on you, I will only feel happy and not hurt."

That's what makes it all the more sad.Yu Jinhuan didn't want to continue this topic, grabbed Yuan Tianyi's wrist with his hand, pulled it away, looked at Yuan Tianyi and said, "Continue to answer the question I just asked."

The first meeting, Yuan Tianyi's first encounter with Yu Jinhuan, was actually nothing more than him looking obsessively at a smiling person for a long, long time.

"The first time I saw you was on the edge of the basketball court of Lincheng High School. At that time, you were standing far away, but you were looking at the basketball court with a smile, waiting for someone."

Yu Jinhuan has no memory of that time, but the person who can make him wait is either Lin Tianyuan or Jiashu.

Yuan Tianyi went to visit the school that day. He hadn't decided which high school he would go to, but unexpectedly saw the smile that touched his heart the most. In fact, at that glance, he wasn't very curious about Yu Jinhuan.

But that smile, waiting for something wholeheartedly, as if the best thing in the world is about to come, touched his heart deeply, it was something he had never had before, and he suddenly realized that life can also be It is beautiful and worth looking forward to.

"You're waiting for Jiashu. I've been watching you from the side of the playground. After he came, he said something. You laughed out loud, wantonly, and then walked away."

Such a presumptuous smile is particularly eye-catching, and Yuan Tianyi is very envious, like a signal, which makes him suddenly realize that there is another way to live.

"I didn't think about having more contact with you at first, I just wanted to see your life. I was very curious, and then I transferred to Lincheng High School."

"curious?"

Yuan Tianyi nodded, out of curiosity.He used to think it was love at first sight, but there was no reaction of blushing and racing heart.

"I want to know why you look forward to the next moment of life so much. In my opinion, there is nothing to look forward to, whether it is life itself, or the people and things you will meet."

Yuan Tianyi frowned, he didn't know how to describe it, Yu Jinhuan just looked at him and didn't speak.

"Xiao Huan, maybe it's fate. Before I met you, I never knew that I could be different, but it was only when I met you that I realized that sometimes I am not normal."

After uttering the last sentence with difficulty, Yuan Tianyi had already lost the courage to continue expressing. He turned around and looked at the person beside him, but he didn't know what expression he wanted to see on the other person's face.

Yu Jinhuan hadn't figured out how to answer the conversation yet, so he followed Yuan Tianyi and said, "May I know what you and your doctor talked about?"

Yuan Tianyi squeezed Yu Jinhuan's palm, and slowly recalled the cold war experience that made him feel wrong.

Perhaps it should not be called the cold war, but after waking up from the coma, he has been a little trembling, and getting along with Yu Jinhuan sweetly made him both happy and scared. His heart hangs in the sky all the time every day. I can't settle down.Yu Jinhuan said that he didn't trust the other party, but how dare he?

How can someone be nice to themselves for no reason?He doesn't deserve it, the more the better, the more damage it will cause.In the past ten years, or nearly 24 years, he has tried his best to make up for it, using his various concessions, so that Yu Jinhuan and this name will not occupy his heart more, but he still failed.

In those days when the two of them ignored each other, the 12 years of living together like a pantomime, even though Yuan Tianyi was sad, besides the emptiness in his heart, there was also a feeling that it had finally arrived. If it was such a chronic torture , he could bear it, and occasionally wondered if he would live like this for the rest of his life.

But now, every moment, he was thinking, is Yu Jinhuan going to change his attitude the next moment, and if not, when will he?Every beautiful moment means more damage is about to happen, which makes him want to but dare not want Yu Jinhuan, because he feels more and more that the limit has come and he can no longer bear it The sorrow that accumulates behind these joys.

Christmas was a signal. Yuan Tianyi didn't understand that Yu Jinhuan wanted to be with him but didn't want to marry him. This kind of answer set off the alarm in his heart, and he couldn't handle it at all, so he went for psychological counseling .

"Actually, we didn't talk much, but we just brought up old things again." After waiting for a long time, Yuan Tianyi finally spoke.

"Can I know about your past?"

"I..." Yuan Tianyi looked at Yu Jinhuan who was still looking at him quietly and peacefully, and remembered Dr. Dong's advice to persuade him to tell everything, maybe tell the other party everything, and the pain would be less.

"Xiao Huan, I..." Yuan Tianyi's speech was still broken. Although he made up his mind, he still couldn't speak. He closed his eyes tightly and opened them before talking about the past in one go.

"I grew up in Los Angeles, probably because of my outstanding performance. My parents took me to take a professional test, and the result can be regarded as a genius with high IQ. I am particularly sensitive to numbers. Focus on taking care of her, I don’t have many friends around me.”

"The first time I made a friend, the name was Jakes. At that time, I was a fifth child, and I would have a play time with him every night. One evening in midsummer, we played the game of escape room as usual and borrowed a room in the school gymnasium. Jakes and I each have a key, and that time Jakes hid the key in the house, I was responsible for finding the key to open the door, and he was guarding outside the house with my key."

"There was a small accident that time. I didn't find the key. After half an hour, he lost the key. He left to look for the key. Then the power was cut off in the house. I waited for a long time in the dark. One last hand over my mouth and nose, and when I woke up, I was lying in a room full of strange props."

Yu Jinhuan squeezed Yuan Tianyi's hand suddenly, Yuan Tianyi came out of his memories, glanced at the other party, realized that the other party might be thinking wrong, and said: "There is no sexual abuse, nor is it pain, torture and humiliation in the usual sense. "

Facing Yu Jinhuan's suspicious gaze, he continued: "That person is my music teacher, she is very gentle on weekdays, she has many novel ideas every day, she is the favorite teacher of all of us, bar none. "

"For nearly 2 weeks, she didn't allow me to leave the house. She wasn't there all the time. She was gentle at times, but then she became violent again. She liked to use electric shock equipment. There was a lot of time in between. I was also in a trance, the most she said was "I love you" and "I don't love you", over and over again."

"I don't know what to say. What she brought me was not all harm. At least at that time, I vaguely knew one thing. It was the truth I remembered in pain. No one would do it for no reason. Good for a person."

Yuan Tianyi's expression fluctuated, and he fell into the scene he didn't want to mention again.

A young woman in a cheongsam, holding a small round controller in her hand, asked softly in a room where Beethoven's Moonlight was playing: "Got it? No one really loves you."

In front of her, a little boy was fixed on an iron frame bed, with two small electrodes connected to both sides of his brain, frowning tightly, looking at the woman stubbornly: "No, Chris didn't lose it on purpose. key."

The woman smiled slightly, and said disdainfully: "He is, because he ran back to the classroom after you entered the house, and then threw the key to a camphor tree, and I knocked it and stood under the tree, seeing all his He even made a face at Lilith."

"He won't." The little boy stubbornly believed that his friend didn't do this.

The woman pressed the button in her hand as if inadvertently, and the boy's body twisted immediately.

"You really don't give up. In fact, I waited for a long time before deciding to take you out. I gave your friendship a chance. As long as he goes to the director of the garden, he will have a key to open the door. Guess he didn't find the key along the way. What, he went to the cake shop opposite the school gate."

After the woman finished speaking, she pressed her fingers hard, and she was satisfied to hear the boy's painful cries, and suddenly laughed wildly, "If you don't believe me, how can there be friends who are really good to you? Either they want to kill you, or they want something from you."

"Xiaoyi, you have to remember that no one in this world will be kind to another person without asking for anything in return. No one, including you, deserves kindness from anyone without any reason. If you want to get a little kindness, you have to pay ten times Or a hundred times better, or ten to a hundred times more torture, because we are all unworthy, I am not worthy, and you are not worthy."

Yuan Tianyi trembled violently, and woke up suddenly, as if he could still hear the word "unworthy", he was a little dazed, clenched his fists, only to realize that his wet hand was holding another hand.

The eyes slowly focus, it's Yu Jinhuan.

"Xiao Huan, is it abnormal for me to be like this?" Yuan Tianyi smiled wryly, what was hard for him to accept was not that he felt that there was something wrong with him, but that he knew it but didn't want to change it.

The author has something to say:

Walking 10000+ today, I was also dizzy at the [-]th bend of the mountain road in the car. Tomorrow there will be a folk song singing competition, and I am going to join in the fun.I wish you all a happy new year every day, happy reading!