phantom lover

My love is always by my side.

I didn't know this until a long time later.

I am a person who is afraid of being alone and cannot stand being alone for long periods of time.Therefore, no matter where you go, you will cheer up and greet your friends. A large group of people come and go, listen to everyone's high-spirited talks, and clap your hands and laugh with them.Only in these lively places can I feel safe and feel alive.

However, the sense of security that the noisy crowd gave me disappeared when I was 25 years old. I often felt lonely. Talk about ghost stories at night until dawn.I am terrified of this phenomenon. If even the crowd cannot give me a sense of belonging, where can I find that inner peace and comfort?Distressed, I went to my friend Xiao A. I told my whole heart without reservation, and wept bitterly when I talked about emotions. I was like a devout Christian who was depressed and on the verge of collapse. I regard Little A as my God, my savior, longing for redemption from the bottom of my heart.

Little A has an immature baby face, but his speech and behavior are somewhat unpredictable. Although he is young, he is admired by his circle of friends.After listening to my almost menopausal episodes, he did not pretend to be God, touched my head and said the word forgiveness to appease my fragile heart, but turned into the patriarch of Zen Buddhism and gave me a slap in the face.

Little A was unmoved by my crying, but said firmly: "You are not alone, and you are not lacking in company."

I was stunned for a moment, and said, "Little A, I know that you are always with me, but didn't I just say that I don't feel safe anymore, even you can't...".

Little A flicked my forehead with her middle finger and interrupted me. The sound was very loud and I felt very painful.

"It's not us, it's others, you just haven't noticed it yet." Looking at the big crow on the edge of the terrace, Little A said softly.

I stared at Little A's face, which was completely different from his childish behavior just now. His whole body seemed to exude a cool radiance, forming a protective layer around his body. Biting coldness came back.

The matter has come to this point, I didn't ask any more questions, I found an excuse to leave, and Xiao A didn't keep me. He looked at me with pity and said, "Whether you tell me or not, you can't escape." When he was talking nonsense and just perfunctory me, I was a little angry, good shit friend, it’s fine if he doesn’t help me solve the problem, and he even made some things to scare people, who wants your bad sympathy!

I wanted to get a little comfort from my friends, but I got nothing.The house is empty, and I live alone all year round. I don’t want to go back to that unpopular ice cellar, so I simply go to the bar to get drunk, and then go home after getting drunk. I can see the world with my drunk eyes, and I don’t care about loneliness. Not alone anymore.

When I walked into the bar I frequented, the bartender looked surprised to see me alone.I told him that I wanted to be alone tonight, and he put on a knowing expression, brought me the kind of wine I usually drink and a nut platter, and said that my eyes are blue and my complexion is dull. I just didn't have a good rest, so I advised me to drink two cups and go home to sleep.

I thanked him for his kindness and began to pour myself a drink.I drink lightly, after two glasses, I feel my cheeks get hot, and after another two glasses, I feel dizzy for a while.I fell drunk on the table, and in the dimness, there seemed to be something cold on my cheek, so comfortable, I raised my hand to touch it, but what I touched was nothingness.I raised my head, tried to open my eyes wide, and a faintly visible face appeared in my vision, just a face, a face floating in the air.Strange to say, my first reaction was not to yell, but to stare at the face of unknown origin earnestly and observe it. I swear to God I have never seen that face before, but that face blows The sense of familiarity is like that between an old couple who have respected each other like a guest for decades and have gone through ups and downs together, reaching the level of knowing the position of the mole on the palm of the lover.

I don't think I had hallucinations because I was drunk. After feeling the coldness on my cheeks, I am very sober now, even more sober than when I didn't drink. It seems that everyone is drunk and I am sober .I'm not afraid, not at all, just curious.Shaking the wine glass, the ice cubes hit the glass wall and made a crisp sound, I stared at the face floating in the air and said, "Hi, who are you?"

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I felt like a fool in the eyes of others, didn't I, speaking into the air.I smiled wryly like self-deprecating, and I didn't expect any response.However, as in the most common ghost or adventure novels, the unintentional, playful temptation was answered and opened the door to a new world. The face in front of me spoke.Its mouth opened and closed slightly, and the voice seemed to come from my mind. It was a man's voice, speaking standard Mandarin, with a buzzing aftertaste, like ventriloquist, shaking my temples slightly. beat.

I was stunned for a moment, let go of my hand, and the glass fell to the tiled floor and shattered.The waiter rushed over upon hearing the sound, and first asked me if I was injured. I felt my heart beating so fast, I tried to take a deep breath, and made a comforting gesture to the waiter, indicating that I was fine.He found tools and squatted on the ground to clean up the broken glass. The scene in front of my eyes became a little vain, and he patted his face hard, took out money from his wallet and stuffed it into the waiter's hand.He said suspiciously: "Sir, you don't need so many." I waved my hand, stood up with my hands on the table, "I'll give you as much as you want." It was very flimsy, as if it was about to fall, and after walking a few steps, out of the door of the bar, being blown by the wind, it suddenly woke up a little bit.

I looked around in a daze to find out the direction of my home, and walked slowly. It was getting late, and there were few people on the street, so it was time to think about something.

Just now, I tried hard to control my desire to shout, not only because a face that appeared out of nowhere actually spoke, but what shocked me even more was the words it said.It said to me in a natural, gentle and unquestionable tone: "I am your lover."

I suddenly remembered what Xiao A said, there are "others" around me.It seems that Xiao A didn't lie to me, I blamed him wrongly.So, who is "it" and why did it follow me and say it was my lover?Leaving aside the first two questions, claiming to be my lover is too outrageous. Although I am afraid of loneliness and have many friends, I have never been in a relationship, never had a girlfriend, and never had a boyfriend.I think I have a boring personality and an empty head. Apart from being mild-tempered and a pacifist, I have no other advantages. I always like to hide myself in the crowd. Only when I am in a noisy crowd can I feel safe because there are so many people Now, I don’t need to express my opinions, just follow everyone, isn’t it great, no one will pay attention to whether I have deep thoughts and clear logic, no one will force me to make a decision, how easy it is .That's right, I'm just afraid of getting along with two people, I'm just afraid of people asking my opinion, because I can't say anything except good and okay, I'm afraid of being seen through as an idiot.I reject all intimacy, and I have casual acquaintances with everyone. Except for special circumstances, I rarely lose my composure. I want to at least maintain a gentle and smiling image, so as not to make others unhappy.I thought to myself, if I am in a relationship, this kind of thing must be unavoidable. Sometimes girls who are interested in me will express their affection to me, and occasionally there will be people of the same sex who want to date me. I refuse them all because I cannot bear their expectations. , Whether I like them or love them, I can’t respond. It’s enough for me to suffer alone, why should I drag others into the water.

Thinking of this, I can't help but bow my head in frustration. This is a secret that has been hidden in my heart for a long time, and it is in my subconscious. Because it is too negative, I rarely think about it.Because of today's bizarre encounter, it was dug out from the depths of my heart again.That guy seems to have been by my side for a long time, it must know everything about me, it must know that I am a useless guy, what is it about me that attracts it, so that it claims to be my lover?I thought carefully about what advantages I had in myself. It was as difficult as picking a new toy out of a toy box that I had seen a thousand times.Although I have a little family background, that guy doesn't seem to have an entity that shouldn't be enjoyed.Although my appearance is not ugly, it may even be praised as beautiful, but in my own opinion, it is just passable.I have no knowledge at all, and my taste is very ordinary. If a good temper can be regarded as an advantage, alas, it is only because I don’t care about anything. I can do whatever I want.

For such a me, I seem to be a little too calm when talking about a face that is almost haunted. I ask myself: I have a lover who has been with me for a long time. disgusted.Even if that guy is not a human, I don't care, I am such a careless person, whether it is a human, a ghost, or anything, I don't really care.The existence of this guy at least gave me a hope, maybe I still have some advantages, maybe I can let go of my worries, even if I was abandoned by my parents, there will be a sincere feeling poured into me, maybe I , worthy of being loved.

Although there are still many doubts in my heart, I decided to go on like this, do nothing, and see what happens.

The author has something to say: I am new here, I hope everyone will join me (^o^)/~