phantom lover

I shook off his hand holding me blankly, and went to the bathroom to run water for a bath.Although I remained calm, my thinking was extremely chaotic. I felt that he had caused a catastrophe, and I, too, had a part in it.

Lying in the bathtub, I held the kit untied from my neck in my hand, slowly opened it, and took out the rice paper full of ghostly symbols inside.The front is densely written with a brush, making it impossible to read. On the other hand, there is a line of small characters written in a ballpoint pen. The characters are round and say "Jiaqi who loves you."

My eyes are hot, but I can't shed tears. What else can I do?He loved me wrong, and I failed him.

I don't know what to do with Jiaqi's family. I am a penniless and vulnerable person. Why does God insist on me to endure this kind of ordeal?I think it's amazing that I haven't gone crazy so far. Thinking of Jiaqi's face smiling affectionately or staring at me with resentment, I am almost trembling with fright, wishing to escape to the ends of the earth.

More importantly, the soul in Jiaqi's body is very, very stalking.In the last life of the last life, I might be considered a tragic character, love and hatred, kindness and resentment, people die and then they die, and there are such infatuated characters who insist on chasing him in this life, I don’t know what happened to him in the last life There is no intersection, if there is, isn't it the vulgar relationship between the three generations in TV dramas?No, no, it's more paranoid than infatuation!fierce!Impressed!

I regretted it deeply. I knew that saving him would cause so many disadvantages. I might as well step on a banana peel and fall to my death. I owe no one.I moved my body down, submerged my face in the water, and thought desperately: forget about drowning myself.The feeling of holding my breath was so bad that I gasped, choked on the bath water, struggled to surface, and coughed loudly.This time I choked a little bit, and I coughed so hard that my tears flowed out, one sound after another, and it was almost too late for me to breathe in, when suddenly someone came in and patted my back, the back was wet with water, and the sound was very loud, It reminded me of activities such as scrubbing and beating my back in public baths, so I quickly stretched out my right hand and pushed him out, but he grabbed it.

After finally slowing down, I took a few breaths, frowned and said: "The door locks at home are all for display, right?" He swept my whole body up and down, and then hummed softly.Just one sound, I feel insulted!He picked up a bottle of shower gel and threw it at his head. He tilted his head, and the shower gel flew into the corridor outside the bathroom. He turned his back and said in a low voice: "Stupid." I swaggered through the door and walked away. I was so ashamed and angry that I almost fainted.

In the next few days, he and I were busy with some childish behaviors, and we couldn't stop fighting.I was very afraid of him in my heart, afraid of his appearance, afraid of his cruelty, I couldn't fight hard, so I turned to sharpen this sharp sword that kills people invisible - language.I know that I have nothing in front of him, except myself, except his love.

I spoke fiercely, directly hitting him at the gate of life, accusing him of being selfish and cruel, until he was so angry that he didn't say a word and was defeated.I said those harsh words, and at the end, I faintly felt that I was pulling myself out. I dare not admit that I was also at fault for Jiaqi's death, and I dare not reflect on why I didn't let him in the first place. Hurry up, I don't even dare to realize that my initial irresponsible consolation, blindly avoiding the relationship between the two and only seeking peace in front of me is the main culprit that caused Jiaqi's death.I'm a villain, and for my own comfort, I put all the blame on him.

Reluctantly realizing this, the psychological defense that I have been tense these days has collapsed. I left him alone in the living room, and tried my best to go back to the bedroom to sleep without changing my face.

My heart was broken, and so was my body. The next day, I couldn't get out of bed.Dizziness, bursts of blackness in front of my eyes, and my body was extremely hot. When I tried to sit up, I felt dizzy and had to slam back on the bed like a broken pillow.In a daze, I felt that someone was taking care of me, putting ice packs on me, feeding me water and medicine, and wiping my body with alcohol. I was ashamed and remorseful. I felt ashamed to see others, so I had to close my eyes and pretend to be dead. At his mercy.

I woke up in the middle of the night and found that there was no one beside the bed. I guessed that he probably went back to his room to sleep. I was very thirsty, and felt that I had regained a little strength, so I got out of bed and poured water to drink.

When I passed the living room, I found that the small light was still on. He was sitting on the sofa, not far from me, and the light was shining on the right half of his face.I saw drops of water dripping from the bottom of his face, and he raised his hand to wipe his eyes, then sniffed loudly.I didn't dare to move anymore, I was afraid that he would feel embarrassed if he found out, but at this moment my throat was itchy, I quickly covered my mouth, but still couldn't hold back.These two coughs sounded like a deliberate reminder, which made me so embarrassed that I wanted to find a crack in the ground.

Sure enough, he turned around immediately, and said in a low voice, "Would you like some water? I'll get it for you." I really wanted to tuck my head into my collar, pinch the hem of my pajamas, and say in a voice like a mosquito snoring, "Okay." Let's go." He strode towards the kitchen, brought back a glass of water, put it on the table, and then came to me to help me, before I could follow Li Lianying's voice and say no, he put me I got it on the sofa, stuffed the glass into my hand, and said, "Drink."

I felt like a puppet at this moment, he ordered me to do what I did, and I was determined to show my subjective initiative and discuss some serious things with him.After taking a sip of warm water, I put the glass on the tea table, stared at it, and said, "What are you going to do with Jiaqi?"

He replied: "What should I do? I will be responsible for his parents' retirement, and I can't control the rest."

I took a deep breath, "Aren't you afraid that his parents will see you as a fake?"

He laughed twice, and he was a little proud: "It's not for nothing that I've been with you for so long. Similarly, I've been with him for a long time. Don't worry, there is no flaw." I raised my eyes and looked Looking at him, "Did you plan it long ago?" He smiled and said nothing.Pointing to the glass, he said: "Drink water, drink plenty of water. You will recover quickly." I slapped the table and said loudly, "Answer me!" He was silent for a while, and said, "It's his own fate." Not good. Should hit me."

I put my arms around my head and said softly, "Do you know that killing people will go to hell?" He opened my hands and looked straight into my eyes. His eyes could be called frank, and he was also frank. He opened his mouth and said, "I'm not afraid, I'm just afraid that I won't be able to get along with you day and night, and I'm afraid that I will be separated from you."

It was only then that I discovered that he was such a sincere person, with sincere eyes and sincere words. He abandoned morality, other people's feelings and even life from the bottom of his heart, and only wanted what he thought in his heart.For a moment, I didn't know what I could do to get this abyss-like love, which was dangerous and very tempting.He keeps saying that he loves me and that it's for me, and I feel unbearable.I can neither love Wang Jiaqi wholeheartedly, nor can I forgive him completely. Jiaqi is naturally right, and his fault is also because of me. In the final analysis, the matter still happened because of me.

I shook my head, trying to shake off the thought just now, covered my face with my hands, and said nothing.He hugged me and patted my back lightly, like coaxing a child. I almost thought he was about to sing a lullaby.My weird thoughts always pop up regardless of the occasion, making me happy and unable to be heartless, and unable to immerse myself in sadness. All kinds of emotions are not pure, it is simply different, no, It's a joke, it's a joke.

I buried my face in his chest, sighed, and thought of Jiaqi.The body is still there, but the soul is gone. If I love Jiaqi, maybe I can still treat this body in front of me as a real person, caressing and lingering day and night, deceiving myself and others, but I don’t love him, my heart is full of guilt, He loves me so much, but I can't repay him anything. Even now, the person who killed him embraces me, looking like I'm about to forget the past and live happily.If Jiaqi could still see, how would his eyes look at me?Is it sadness, or anger, or... despair?

I broke free from my arms and kept my distance from him.Now I am not qualified to bear any caress, nor to feel happiness and joy.I am determined to be an emotional ascetic, shrink back into the turtle shell, stay away from all love, and put an end to all heartbeats.I'm not afraid of that kind of life, isn't it the same way I have lived in the past 20 years? These days, the anger, shame, annoyance, including heartbeat and fantasy, are just like a dream, a sweet and painful dream, isn't it quite okay?It’s just that this dream will always weigh on my heart, and I will never be able to let go of this burden. Maybe this is the cross I deserve to bear, my sin.I resigned to my fate.

I stood up and said to him in a polite tone: "Go to bed early. Tomorrow, please go and see Jiaqi's parents and reassure them, okay?" He nodded and said, "I know."

I raised my legs and walked towards the bedroom, turned my back to him and said: "Also, please move away immediately, we will not meet again in the future, please cherish it..." I gritted my teeth and said tremblingly: " A hard-won life."

A gust of wind came from behind, he hugged me tightly, and whispered: "Don't talk nonsense, how could I leave you!"

I tried my best to break his arm around me, but found that I was tightly held and couldn't break free. I sighed, I stroked the protruding scar on his left wrist, his body suddenly trembled, I said slowly: "The last one, please don't touch me in the future, otherwise, I will die. You can say it, you can do it."

He took a deep breath, let go of his hand in an instant, and murmured: "You..." I hardened my heart, went back to the room without looking back, closed the door, locked it, and slid to the floor.

The sky is getting light, the birds are singing, it is another new day, and for me, it is the first day of redemption.