phantom lover

Since he was driven away by me that day, I haven't seen him for three months, and I didn't relax as I expected before. On the contrary, I found that there are traces of him everywhere in my life.Before he left my house, he cleaned the whole house out of his will, and the refrigerator was full of fresh ingredients purchased from the supermarket, all kinds, and he also left a handwritten simple cookbook.Even the bedside table in the bedroom could not escape his clutches, and it was labeled with medication instructions: what disease, what medicine to take, and how much to take.It was written densely in teeny lowercase letters, how could I sleep with these messes, as soon as his front feet left, I tore off my back feet, threw the pieces into the toilet, and flushed them away.

I thought that after he left, I could calm down and repent of my sins, but he called me three times a day to ask me about my eating and sleeping conditions, and I couldn't hear him use Jiaqi's voice to treat me tenderly, So he set his number to reject incoming calls, and he changed it to text messages, six times a day, and when there are festivals, there will be a large section introducing the origin of the festival, how to celebrate it, and expressing his blessings.

This kind of indiscriminate bombardment can be called mental torture. Looking at the text messages, I can always imagine the scene of Jiaqi holding the phone and pondering the words seriously, and the whole person will collapse.But after all, he only sent text messages and made phone calls, and he didn't violate my request that he couldn't meet or touch me at the time. I couldn't be shameless and force him to stop talking to me.

During these three months, the most I did was to lie in bed without eating or drinking.If you are really hungry, just eat a little, and then continue to lie on the bed.It's not that I don't want to get up from the bottom of my heart, but I gradually find it difficult to get up. It takes a lot of effort, and I can't use all the strength. Sometimes I feel chest tightness and heartbeat.The reason why I don't want to answer his question about how I eat and sleep is not only because I don't want to hear his voice, but also because I'm really not doing well, it becomes difficult for me to fall asleep, and I finally fall asleep. I would wake up at three or four in the morning. At that time, I was very depressed. When I was in a bad situation, I couldn't sleep all night.

Woke up one night feeling so depressed that I wanted to go to the kitchen and get a knife and end it all.I also thought that my sins have not been redeemed, and the torture I should have endured has not yet ended, so I temporarily put this idea aside.My physical condition has gotten worse, and I have a faint feeling that it may be a relapse of depression.I once suffered from mild depression, and after treatment at that time, I recovered temporarily. I felt that this time it was menacing, so I decided to go to the hospital.

The next morning, it took me an hour of struggling physically and mentally to get out of bed and pack myself so slowly that I could go out. It was three o'clock in the afternoon when I saw the doctor.The doctor wore a white coat with an amiable face, like an angel. He gave me a checklist for examination, and accompanied me to do more than 200 psychological test questions. Finally, I was diagnosed with severe depression.

Standing in front of the hospital with two bags of medicine prescribed by the doctor in both hands, I felt like an idiot.The doctor's comforting words still lingered in my ears: "Young man, you are so young, you should take some medicine, take your medicine on time, and eat well." I am very grateful to this doctor, but I really can't cheer up. My home is not far away, I left at 05:30, but at my speed, it was past ten o'clock when I got home.

The house was a mess, and I didn't have any intention to clean it. I hurriedly made a little porridge, then took the medicine, lay on the bed and stared until a little bit, but still couldn't fall asleep.I opened the drawer of the bedside table, took out a bottle of sleeping pills, swallowed two pills, and finally woke up at dawn.When I woke up the next day, maybe the medicine prescribed by the doctor last night had taken effect. I felt refreshed after a long absence. Although my movements were still relatively slow, I also tidied up the bedroom and living room with great interest.

Just when I was gratified by the fruits of my labor, there was a rapid knock on the door. I looked down at myself, and I was still able to see people, so I went to open the door, and there was a face standing outside the door Anxious him.He put his hands behind his back, looking like he was trying his best to control, but the anxiety on his face made people feel that he was about to jump up.I haven't seen him for three months, and I suddenly noticed that his face seemed to have changed a bit. His appearance was still Jiaqi's, but his eyes were obviously different, and he felt like a hybrid.My first reaction was: dirty.

He poked his head around the room, but without stepping in, he lowered his voice and asked eagerly, "I heard from Lao Dai that he saw you at the gate of the hospital, carrying a lot of medicine. What's wrong with you, are you sick? Are you serious?" After three months of self-torture, when I saw his face, that hairstyle, and that body, I felt the blood rushing to my brain. With a calm attitude, I tried to soften my tone and said: "It's nothing serious, no Please take your troubles, take medicine and you’ll be fine, and today I’m much better.” He looked at me suspiciously from top to bottom, and said, “Why are you so thin?” I took a step back guiltily, eager to cut the mess quickly, “ It’s okay, I’ll get fat, let’s go if there’s nothing to do, don’t give it away.” Before he could react, I closed the door with a bang, and he knocked on the door shortly, then didn’t knock again, I heard he seemed to be He stomped his foot angrily, and the footsteps faded away.

Within a few minutes, I received a text message from him, which was another long speech. I admire his hand speed, which is absolutely extraordinary.The content is not the clichéd advice to eat and sleep, he is begging me, begging me to forgive him, begging me to let him come back and take care of me.I held my mobile phone and walked around the house. I was the only one in the huge space. It stands to reason that I have lived alone for many years, but I have never felt so lonely by myself like now. So lonely, so hard.Maybe it's because I have tasted the joy of being accompanied and cared for, or maybe it's because I have been embraced by my lover. At this moment, I can't bear this loneliness, it hurts like a knife cut my heart.But I can't call him back, I absolutely can't.I drove my lover out of the door with my own hands, locked my heart with my own hands, and then threw the key far away, out of reach.

I huddled in a corner and sat down, doing nothing, sitting alone, and I didn't think about anything. When I came back to my senses, the surroundings were already pitch black.My soul is suffering like never before. I am a sinful person. After my death, the fire of hell may swallow me up and make me suffer.The current life can only be regarded as idling, idling, I felt a pain in my heart, I felt some liquid flowed into my mouth, it was salty and fishy, ​​I subconsciously covered my nose, got up to turn on the light, and found that the nosebleed was turbulent .Like a broken puppet, I staggered to the bathroom, like sleepwalking.

After the mechanical cleaning, I looked in the mirror, and the blood flowed down again. For a moment, I was worried that I would lose too much blood and die. Then I realized that this was not unacceptable. I grinned and looked into the mirror. I smiled to myself, and that smile was uglier than crying.I was not blessed to be relieved so early. The bleeding stopped after a while. I thought I should get out of my wild thoughts and return to real life. I have to eat, take medicine, eat more, take more medicine... …

My mood is inexplicably better, I have to work hard, live hard, I even found out the simple recipes he prepared, there are no fresh vegetables at home, only frozen meat and canned and some pasta, I cheer up Cook noodles, add meat, pour sauce, and then open cans, canned fish, canned vegetables, and canned fruits.I felt myself getting excited, my palms were slightly warm, I ate happily, I didn't feel the appetite, but I was happy, happy with the habit of eating.Halfway through eating, I also dug out the brandy that my friends had given me in the past, poured it myself, and drank half of the bottle without feeling dizzy at all.After the meal, I poured out some of the medicine prescribed by the doctor, and I didn't count how many pills I had. I took it down with brandy, and drank the brandy with my mouth to the mouth of the bottle.

I put the wine bottle on the table with a bang, and I felt that it was all right, I had eaten the food and the medicine, and I would definitely recover soon.I walked like flying, walked to the bedroom, sat on the bed, covered my face with my hands, and smiled happily, shaking all over.Smiling and laughing, I felt like there was water on my face, and I wiped it randomly, only to realize that I seemed to be crying.Tears were salty and fell into my mouth, even a little bit bitter. When I came back to my senses, I felt a strong sadness rising in my chest. It spread into the air as I sighed, and surrounded me tightly, forming a Barrier, surround me in the middle.

Immersed in pain and longing, my thinking seems to be disobedient, like a wild horse running wild, all the memories that I have worked so hard to restrain all ran out disobediently and shouted in my mind.I saw Jiaqi being dragged on the ground, with her mouth open and silent, I could read the words "go fast".I also saw the ghost's face floating in mid-air, weeping silently at me.There were also voices beside my ears, Jiaqi's and ghost's intertwined, "Ziqi, I love you, Ziqi, I love you." I even felt that something was entangled with me, still slowly Tighten slowly, I'm almost out of breath.

I realized that I couldn't be an emotional ascetic, I wanted to love, I wanted to be loved, I wanted my parents to love me, I wanted him to love me, I wanted to be recognized as having meaning in my life.I shook my head desperately, no, I can’t admit these longings in my heart, absolutely not, Jiaqi died in front of my eyes, I couldn’t save him, I’m sorry for him, if I seek love selfishly, How can I be sorry for Jiaqi, even if I abandon everything without guilt, I can't give that ghost pure love without any impurities, I can't, I can't!

I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't bear it anymore, I stood up holding my breath, and walked towards the French windows in a strange way.For the convenience of viewing the scenery, the floor-to-ceiling windows at home have no guardrails, so I smiled and opened the windows.The night wind blows in, very sweet, I take a deep breath, and hear the prelude to relief.Then, I jumped down.