How much will you sell it to me?

177.

On the way to send Lan home, An Yang remained silent.

An Yang wouldn't let me help Lan, he dragged Lan away by himself.

When I was about to arrive at Lan's house, I finally couldn't help but say: "An Yang...he's going to be strangled to death by you."

An Yang looked back at me, put one of Lan's arms on his shoulder and dragged him away.

His voice was a little low, and he asked me: "Is this okay?"

The streets in autumn are full of broken leaves, and every time An Yang takes a step, there will be a crisp sound under his feet.

After ringing the doorbell of Lan's house, it was Mu Le who opened the door.

After the door opened, An Yang threw him directly at Mu Le.

"Brother?" Muller stretched out his hand, Lan was much taller than Muller, and his full weight was on Muller, which looked more like hugging Muller.

"Your brother drank too much." I said, "Get him some water, don't let him go crazy with alcohol, go to bed early."

Mueller struggled to show his face, and gave me an OK gesture, "Thank you."

I forced a smile and said, "I should be thankful."

Mu Le closed the door stupidly, leaving only An Yang and me outside the door.

178.

The wind in the autumn night is cold, and my fingertips gradually lose their temperature.

The two of us stood at the door of Lan's house for an unknown amount of time, maybe tens of seconds, or a few minutes.

I suddenly lost the concept of time, and I felt uneasy.

I don't know if An Yang heard my conversation with Lan, or if he did, but I don't know where he started listening.

"Let's talk?" An Yang suddenly said, and walked towards the opposite street pavilion.

I sat down in the pavilion, and An Yang stood not far away leaning on the pavilion pillars.

"You like Mu Jing?" An Yang said Lan's real name when he opened his mouth.

My mind froze, thinking of the conversation I had with Lan just now—it was indeed misleading.

Before I could answer, An Yang said again: "Qiao Xi, are you... are you gay?"

179.

How should I answer?

Lying or making excuses?

But I like An Yang, this is an indisputable fact.

If even the feeling of liking him is denied, I really don't know what is left of me.

So I replied: "Yes."

The night was very dark, from my angle, I could only see An Yang moving.

"Qiao Xi." An Yang suddenly said my name very lightly, and then he said, "You can't be."

180.

I took a deep breath and tried to keep my voice as calm as possible, but what I said was like a sharp knife piercing myself: "Do you feel sick?"

An Yang moved again, Ye dyed his hair into the thickest black, that kind of black bound me tightly, making me breathless.

He seemed to be shaking his head, and his tone was more blank, he said: "No...anyone is fine, Qiao Xi, you can't, you can't..."

I can't be gay, I can't like men.

The person I like is denying me.

I don't even have the qualifications to like someone.

I looked up, trying to hold back the tears that fell.I haven't cried for a long time, three or four years or more...

I remember crying a lot when I was a child, because Qiao Qingguo was very busy at work, because other children said that I didn't have a mother, and because of various things.

At that time, I liked to cry secretly and wipe my tears secretly.Every time I cry, An Yang will find out, he likes to hold my hand and ask me: "Which family is this kid, he's still crying at such a big age."

I wanted to withdraw my hand, but An Yang held me down and didn't let me move. He held me with one hand and wiped my tears and snot with a tissue in the other.

"If you cry any more, I'll sell you out." An Yang threatened me.

I choked up and said I was 10 and told him to go away.

An Yang continued to say cheerfully: "How much is a catty, I bought it."

I forgot to cry, and punched him several times with my free hand, "Not for sale."

"Then don't cry." An Yang wiped my tears with his hands, "If you cry again, I will buy you to my house and bully you hard."

The sadness hadn't passed yet, but when An Yang said this, I wanted to howl again.

Seeing that I was in a bad mood, An Yang immediately said, "I won't bully you, brother will buy you toys."

When I was ten years old, I felt that I was very mature, and I was very disdainful of An Yang's childish way of comforting children.

But every time it was An Yang's immature and clumsy comfort that made me stop crying.

How long has it been since I cried?

I looked up and saw the crooked moon outside the pavilion, the person who made me cry this time was An Yang, there was no one to comfort me.

181.

Seeing me looking up, An Yang came over and asked me, "Are you crying?"

Just like when I was young, there was nothing serious at all, things that would be forgotten when I shed a few tears.It's just that someone has to ask, but it's just that I have to ask whether I'm crying or not.

Of course I'm going to cry, you've asked this question, of course you can't help crying.

I'm gay, I like you... what do you want me to do?

"Joe Xi?" An Yang was a little at a loss. He walked over, raised and lowered his hand.

"Do you hate me?" My nasal voice was very heavy when I said it, and I used to have a little fantasy—what if, what if he had a crush on me?

Now this "what if" doesn't exist, and reality suddenly weighs heavily on me.

I still have my mind to think wildly, I think I should admire Lan, I am still too weak compared with him.

But from now on, I will be the same as Lan, facing the reality of "the person I like will never like me" soberly.

It's so fucking pitiful, I can't help crying just thinking about it.

Thinking of this, I couldn't help laughing again.

182.

An Yang was frightened by my crying and laughing behavior, he stretched out his hand and pressed my head to him.

"I don't hate you, why would I hate you?" An Yang's hand stroked my hair, "It's just Qiao Xi...I always need to digest it."

He held my head in his hands and lowered his body, "I won't hate you, I most..."

There were tears on the eyelashes, it was very uncomfortable, I blinked twice, and when I looked at An Yang again, he had a hesitant expression.

"Go back." He got up and brushed his fingers lightly over my eyelids, "Otherwise, Uncle Joe will be worried. I'll take you back, and we'll talk about the rest tomorrow."

"I have class tomorrow."

"I'll go to your school to find you." An Yang suddenly took my hand, "Let's go."

I don't understand why An Yang wants to hold my hand, the two of us are one in front of the other, there is almost a space for one person in the middle, and the hand is not tight, An Yang only holds my two fingers.

From Jieting to my house, the two of us have never let go of our hands.

183.

When I got home and lay on the bed, thinking about what happened just now, I always felt like a dream.

I took out my phone and opened WeChat, stared at An Yang's profile picture for a long time, and finally exited his personal interface and scrolled to Lan's profile picture.

Without the slightest hesitation, I clicked on his profile picture, typed a sentence and pressed send.

[I hate your father. ]

Don't be happy, everyone, let's play together? !

184.

The next day I went to school in a nervous mood, and An Yang didn't come to see me until noon.

Instead, Lan heard what I said last night and came over.

He gloated and asked, "An Yang thinks you like me?"

I didn't sleep well last night. I jumped out of bed in the middle of the night, scrambled out of bed and took out my mobile phone to send a message to Lan: [I hate your father! ! ! ]

Lan didn't sleep, probably because he woke up from the wine. He replied: [You said it twice. ]

Why am I so excited?Because it suddenly occurred to me that in Jieting, An Yang asked me two questions, and I only answered the latter question.

[An Yang thought I liked you! ! ! ]

185.

"An Yang thought you liked me?"

I smashed the empty soda can in front of Lan, "What did you drink like yesterday?"

With a face of novelty, Lan pointed to herself and asked, "Blame me?"

"What nonsense!"

Lan smiled more heartily, "It's all right now, you are the same as me."

I have nothing to say.

Lan had had enough of laughing, she suppressed her smile, lowered her head and played with her fingers.

"Junior Qiao Xi." Lan said, "Give up."

186.

"Find someone you like." Lan tilted her head, "Find someone you like who also likes you."

——"Let's find someone who likes each other, wouldn't that be great?"

This sentence seems familiar, did I say it?It seems like I said it.

I smiled self-deprecatingly, and put the empty soda can back in front of me, "I just like hearing you talk nonsense."

"right."

187.

Walking out of the teaching building after evening self-study, I saw An Yang standing at the school gate waiting for me.

An Yang waved to me and said, "Let's go, I've made an agreement with Uncle Qiao, you will stay at my house today."

"I have to get up early again tomorrow morning." I joked.

An Yang didn't answer my words, just nodded and took my arm and walked towards the bus stop.

I stared at An Yang's hand in a daze, and couldn't help laughing.

My eye sockets were a little hot, and there was no emotion in my laughter.

After all... still can't go back.

188.

There were very few people on the bus at this time, and An Yang and I sat in the second-to-last row. The bus passed two stops, and both of us were silent.

At the third station, An Yang asked me: "Is the college entrance examination coming soon?"

"Ah."

"Do your homework well, and do the key test papers given by the teacher seriously."

"……Um."

"Qiao Xi..." An Yang's voice is very low and deep. I always think he looks the best when he says my name. I always think he has a gentle expression and a soft heart when he says these two words.

He asked, "Why do you like men?"

Now that I think about it, it's all my fucking illusion.

I'm ashamed of my presumptuous sentimentality.

189.

An Yang asked this question completely unconsciously, and immediately answered after he finished speaking: "Sorry..."

But that's what hurts.

After that, An Yang and I didn't talk anymore.

After we got out of the car, An Yang took my arm naturally again.

He walked in front and I could only see his back.

I stared at An Yang for a long time, looking at his back, I can think of many things.He has been with me for ten years, and he is in almost every unforgettable memory of mine.

Finally I said: "An Yang, let go."