lonely

The author has something to say: the interlude is the third person

***

three years ago.

It was a midsummer with scorching sun, the cicadas were singing continuously, and the ground was steaming with turbid air. The leaves of the trees by the window reflected white light under the scorching sun, making them lush.

The curtains were drawn, and the room was dark.The only source of light was the LCD TV in the room.Chen Yan sat cross-legged by the bed, playing games with a game handle in his hands.

Zhao Ling poured a glass of water and came back. The game characters on the screen lay down on the ground, and the big GAMEOVER flashed.

Zhao Ling walked over to look at Chen Yan, who was already asleep.He hangs on the ground with one hand, and holds the handle with the other hand, trying not to drop it.The way he closed his eyes lost his usual jerky, cold, hard-to-spoken manner, and his whole face softened, giving him a childish look. His eyelashes were not thick, but very slender.Zhao Ling propped his hands on the ground and looked down at him. If he looked carefully, he could see the line of cross-growth eyelashes, which were thin and beautiful.

Zhao Ling bent down and kissed his eyes.Chen Yan's eyelashes trembled slightly, and his mouth pursed unconsciously.His lips are thin and pale, even with no obvious lip lines, and he always looks pale and sickly.But his personality is really unpleasant, and others always ignore him when talking to him, especially those little girls who come to talk to him, Chen Yan always ignores them, showing no pity at all.

But that's just what others think.

Zhao Ling knew that Chen Yan had a mild temper, and he had been like this since he was a child.When he was a child, Chen Yan was brought up by his grandmother. He had been in the countryside until he was three years old. After being picked up by her mother, he found that his mother spoke differently from him. The kind grandmother was no longer there. He was very scared. At the beginning, he said: Zhou didn't say a word.After learning Mandarin, he got better, but he is still too well-behaved. He is not as difficult as other children. He always eats quietly, there is no rice left in the bowl, and he never asks for toys. don't cry.After entering the kindergarten, the teacher gave out snacks, and other children rushed to ask for them. He just sat in the corner, stared at him, and didn't speak.

When Zhao Ling met Chen Yan for the first time, the school organized a mountain climb. The kid was standing at the back of the line and accidentally fell. There was no expression, sitting on the ground, blowing on his knees, blowing off the fine stones and ash on them, licking the wound with his tongue, then standing up and continuing to follow the team.Neither crying nor fussing.At that time, he was only five years old.

Zhao Ling looked at him and watched the whole process. At that time, Zhao Ling was still a child who would cry because he couldn't beat others in a fight, so he immediately developed deep admiration for Chen Yan.Later, when he was young and inactive, Zhao Ling began to feel sorry for Chen Yan and protect him wholeheartedly.

But this pity turned bad. When Zhao Ling found out that he had an unusual desire to possess Chen Yan, he didn't think there was anything wrong, but he didn't tell Chen Yan either.He happily watched Chen Yan's indifference push back wave after wave of girls.He silently hid his liking in his heart, thinking that when Chen Yan grows up, he will be with him.

He didn't think Chen Yan would refuse, because he would treat Chen Yan very well, making Chen Yan unable to leave him.

He piously printed his lips on Chen Yan's lips, so happy that he couldn't help himself.

A quick breath pulled him out of the sweetness.

Zhao Ling turned his head. His mother was standing at the door of the room, holding the doorknob with one hand and a plate of fruit with the other, with an incredulous expression on her face.

Zhao Lingxin panicked all of a sudden, and for a moment his mind went blank.But that was only for a moment, and his subsequent performance was too calm.

He booed Zhao's mother, and patted Chen Yan's face gently, "Yanyan, wake up, Yanyan..." Chen Yan looked at him sleepily, "Yanyan, are you sleepy? Go back to sleep! I have something to do now, you go back first!"

Chen Yan nodded, a little surprised that he was too gentle today, and also surprised by Zhao's mother's pale face and red eye sockets.But he never asked much.

Zhao Ling sent him to the door and made an appointment with him to find him tomorrow.Chen Yan nodded, turned and left.

Zhao Ling closed the door, and Zhao's mother sat on the sofa in the living room, almost trembling, calling Zhao's father.Zhao Ling walked over, knelt down, admitted his mistake, and came out, watching his always dignified mother cry silently, decadent and desperate.

This incident turned upside down in the Zhao family, and Zhao Ling was locked at home and not allowed to go anywhere.Remembering the agreement, Zhao Ling secretly called Chen Yan's home the next day, but no one answered.Zhao Ling was imprisoned for a summer vacation, and also lost contact with Chen Yan for a summer vacation, Zhao's father and Zhao mother still couldn't talk to him.

Zhao Ling was going to school in a week, and Zhao Ling thought that after this period of time, Zhao's father and Zhao mother would never stop him from going to school, but he was wrong.

Zhao's father and Zhao's mother beat and scolded, but they still couldn't change Zhao Ling's mind. He decided that he liked Chen Yan and wanted to stay with Chen Yan forever. Zhao Ling went to school in X city.Mother Zhao used to be from City X, but after her family passed away, she was transferred to work and settled in Father Zhao's city, and never went back.

Zhao Ling refused. He said that even if they forced him to go, he could always come back by himself in the future.

Zhao's father and Zhao's mother were so angry that they couldn't persuade Zhao Ling in the end. They invited the aunt who was a psychologist to persuade Zhao Ling.

Zhao Ling just sneered, he never doubted his feelings for Chen Yan, nor did he think that he would be afraid of all kinds of setbacks and sufferings.

The innocence of youth.

Of course he wasn't afraid of harming himself, but if it would harm Chen Yan, he never thought about it, and he didn't know that once he encountered such a situation, he had no choice but to surrender.

"Have you thought about it for Chen Yan? Does he know that you like him? How do you know that he won't feel disgusted or afraid of you after he knows it? Even if he accepts you, Zhao Ling, you can guarantee that you can protect him. Okay, don't you get hurt a little?"

"My aunt has come into contact with many patients who are homosexuals. They have to hide because of their homosexual status. Once their identities are exposed, they have to endure the strange eyes of the world. I also know that homosexuality is not a disease, but people live in society. You Can you let your relationship live aboveboard and not be judged by others?"

"Can you bear to let Chen Yan suffer the harm he shouldn't have? And his parents, he is with you, can you get his parents to agree? You have the heart to let him be separated from his parents, you are not afraid... he hate you?"

The last sentence completely cut Zhao Ling's insistence. These future things are too far away, and Zhao Ling is too young. If these things are subdivided and put in front of Zhao Ling, he has nothing to do. He can't protect what he likes. But as long as he gives up this liking, Chen Yan's future life will be much easier.

"Enough, stop talking, I'll go."

His eyes were red, and his voice was choked up.

Zhao Ling met his aunt who had lived for more than forty years and specialized in psychology. This was a doomed failure.

As for Chen Yan, he went back to the countryside with his parents on the second day to visit his elderly grandmother.I don't know that there was a young man who fought his back for him, almost betrayed his relatives, and finally ended up miserably. He changed the path of his life and almost lived in pain for half his life.

Zhao Ling later went to Chen Yan to say goodbye, but at that time Chen Yan hadn't come back, so he sat on the stairs for two hours, and finally Chen Yan's neighbor told Zhao Ling that Chen Yan was not there, so he left.Zhao Ling was not stupid, he thought that Chen Yan's parents might have known about this and took Chen Yan away.That's good, at least, Chen Yan will be fine in the future.

Thinking this way, he got on the plane to X City the next day.

Zhao Ling's parents returned to S City after dealing with everything. They were really afraid of seeing their son lost his mind, and hated him for being disobedient and actually falling in love with a man.

Chen Yan never thought that the day he went to Zhao Ling's house to play games would be the last time he saw Zhao Ling in these three years.

***

I only heard Zhao Ling briefly explain what happened, and my heart ached so badly. In fact, when we got in touch later, we became a lot strangers. I didn’t dare to ask about it. Come on, it doesn't make sense to ask at that time.I also can't imagine how tragic what Zhao Ling said lightly.In comparison, my self-righteous grievances, my belated awakening, and my secret love for more than two years are nothing!The person in front of me was still a teenager at that time. For me, he endured the pain of coming out early when he was still young, and was exiled to a city thousands of miles away, separated from his parents and relatives, almost alone.

And all I can do is love him more.I seem to have endless courage, and nothing can stop me anymore. I want to be nice to him, unparalleled, and try my best to be nice to him. I wish I could hold all the good things in the world in front of him. Let him choose, see him smile, see him in high spirits, see him elegant and unrestrained, no longer burdened by common things.

We have a long way to go in the future, even if our legs and feet are broken and our arms are lost, as long as we support each other, we can always go through the wind and rain and the suffering all the way. As long as we have each other, we will not be afraid of anything back timid.

I looked at him, and I said: "Zhao Ling, from now on, we will always be together, our future life will be bound together, no one or anything can separate us, you have to believe me, I will believe You, Zhao Ling, are you willing?"

He froze for a moment, then hugged me tightly again, and said in a gentle voice: "Yes, we will always be together for this long life, and no one can separate us."

We are like travelers who are about to freeze to death in a winter night, embracing each other for warmth.I believe in him and in these promises. I have known him since we were young, and it has been fifteen years. Among them, no one can compare to our friendship.We have long been a part of each other's lives, and it has long been instinctive to be nice to each other. If we separate, it is like cutting flesh and heart.

I tugged at his lapel and discussed with him: "Let's go back tomorrow. I'm about to submit my application, otherwise I can play here for a few days. Let's go back and make it clear to your parents, my parents, and make it clear. It's okay if they can't figure it out for a while. There are still many years in the future, and they can always accept us. As long as we are together, there is nothing to be afraid of. You should also fill out your volunteers. I wanted to come here to find you. Now it's all right, can you Which city to fill in, I will go with you."

I said again: "Actually, I was very scared before I came here, I was afraid that you would ignore me, I was afraid that you would have alienated me, alas, if I hadn't forced you, you still wouldn't admit that you like me, it's too bad! "

As soon as I reminded him, he threatened: "You said that you would fall in love with another man, well, who is it?"

His hand was still scratching the itchy flesh on the side of my waist.

I hurriedly begged for mercy, "No, no, ouch, I was wrong, I was wrong, there is no such person, I am talking nonsense, hahahaha..."

He stopped, with light in his eyes, smiled slightly, and lowered his head to kiss away the tears from the corners of my eyes.

Human life is so long and so short, it is so difficult to find someone you like, it is so difficult to find a Zhao Ling, it is so difficult to find us like this.

Many times, we have to be thankful that some people, some feelings, are just late, not absent.

☆, Zhao Ling's perspective

Chen Yan completely disappeared after I sent that text message. This kind of situation has happened before, but he was not in a good mood at that time, and I was a little worried.I wonder what happened to him, but I can't comfort him, and I'm a little frustrated.

I finally called him anyway, and he seemed a bit flustered.But when I learned that he came to X City, I was a little confused.Obviously told him not to come.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thrilled when I saw him on the park bench.In fact, I was so excited that I was speechless.

He looked at me, smiled, and I noticed a bruise at the corner of his mouth, and I got mad all of a sudden.How did that happen.

He must have been wronged.

I asked, "Who did it?"

He didn't say anything, just shook his head with a smile.I didn't ask any further, I was afraid that I would not have the ability or qualification to avenge him.

I was speechless all the way, and I was still struggling with that matter in my heart, thinking that if I knew who it was, I would definitely beat him up.But the more I think about it, the more I feel lost, and I can feel him looking sideways at me frequently, which makes me a little nervous again, and I start to worry about whether my hair has been blown by the wind, whether my beard has been shaved clean today...

In order to make up for this loss and embarrassment, I had nothing to say, "I didn't tell you not to come, what's the matter, what happened?", the tone was a bit urgent, and it sounded like an accusation.

The corners of his mouth sank little by little, and then raised again, as if pretending to be relaxed, "It's nothing, I just came to see you and have fun!"

I hated myself for being outspoken, I didn't know what to say, "Okay!" I was speechless to myself.

I was so confused that I didn't dare to take him home, but I was also worried that he would live alone. Finally, I sent him to a hotel and decided to live with him.

He looked pissed off and refuted my lame excuses one after another.I finally gave up looking for an excuse.He erected his spines like a hedgehog and resolutely fought back. I really feel distressed.

He wanted to leave, but I held him back, reluctant.

I took him home, thinking a lot along the way.He was probably very angry, sitting in the car, didn't touch me at all, and could hardly feel his presence.

When I got there, I pushed the car to the garage and secretly called Tong Jiang.I briefly explained the situation and asked him to hide all the photos on the bedside of my room in his room.

Those photos are all Chen Yan’s. There are photos of me and him three years ago, and some photos of him that I saw from the friend space before.And a picture of him that I had someone I know secretly take.Those photos are neatly placed there, and I have to look at these photos every day to suppress those painful, sick and even cruel thoughts in my heart.That's one of the reasons why I don't want him to come.

I'm afraid he thinks I'm a pervert.

People in Tongjiang are a bit stupid, but they are very reliable in their work.I was relieved but at the same time uncomfortable.With Chen Yan here, I almost didn't know what to say or do, so I had to urge him to take a bath.Hearing the sound of splashing water coming from the bathroom, I finally got out of the pretended busyness, and my chaotic mind became a little clearer.

The sound of the water stopped for a long time, I guessed that he should have finished washing, and took the new toothbrush I found to the bathroom for him, but I happened to bump into him coming out.

Chen Yan's face was flushed red from the steam, his eyes were still hazy, a bath towel was half hung on his body, and he was only wearing a pair of underwear.

I think Chen Yan is a bit abnormal, as if he is always teasing me intentionally or unintentionally.

Happens to hit it off.

But I have to restrain myself.

I stuffed the toothbrush to him blankly, turned around and left.

I went back to the room and packed my things mechanically, still thinking about the scene I saw just now, but he still looked like this when he came in, I frowned tightly to restrain my turbulent heart.

He said he didn't bring any clothes, so I asked him to borrow them from Tong Jiang.Seeing his leaving back, I shook my head speechlessly, thinking angrily, he teased me again.

I continued to clean up for a while, and suddenly remembered that my photos are still in Tongjiang House!This cannot be found!

Fortunately, he was at the gate of Tongjiang. I tried to communicate with him with my eyes. Tongjiang was stunned for a moment, suddenly realized, looked at me and shook his head.I was relieved, and suddenly realized that Chen Yan was too revealingly dressed in front of Tong Jiang.I hurriedly asked Tong Jiang to borrow clothes, and pushed Chen Yan back to the room.

I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and Tong Jiang followed.

"I just came out in front of your family!"

I choked.

"Don't worry, your family is much calmer than you. If you want me to say, you are not impossible!"

I squinted at him and warned: "Don't talk nonsense in front of him, I have no chance with him!"

He hated iron for being weak, "You are the saint of love. From now on, Chen Yan of your family will be with someone else. Let's see where you cry! I'm going back to my room!"

I turned my head and glanced, Chen Yan was standing at the door, looking lost.I thought of his sudden arrival today, the wound on the corner of my mouth, and I was so distressed that I rushed to him.

He looked at me in surprise, a bit on the verge of crying.

I told him to wait, turned around to wash up, and planned to enlighten him, no matter what, I would help him share.

But he asked me,

"Do you like men?"

My mind went blank for a moment, I don't know where there was a clue or he had some strange associations from Tong Jiang.

He also seemed to realize that he had spoken too bluntly, and hurriedly made amends.

But when I saw him flustered, I also felt uncomfortable, depressed, and a little angry.

I sidestepped his question, testing his attitude towards homosexuality with an angry tone.But as soon as I finished speaking, I regretted it. Seeing him embarrassed and helpless, I suddenly couldn't say anything to comfort him.

He seemed to have calmed down.

He said slowly, "Zhao Ling, I like you."

I was really blown away now, I almost couldn't tell whether it was reality or a dream, he said, Chen Yan said, he likes me.

But me, I can't answer anything.

I hesitated and asked, "What did you just say?"

I wanted to beg him not to say it, but he was so sad, but he still gritted his teeth and said he liked me.

My breathing stopped, my throat choked, and I couldn't speak.

He scolded me and rushed out the door.

I stopped him, and I said what I expected of him.

He comforted me, but I only heard that sentence, he will like other men in the future.

I froze there, thinking, if Chen Yan is destined to be with a man, then I am the only one, and I am not at ease handing him over to anyone.My statement, I want to protect him in my hands so that he will not be hurt or wronged at all.

This time, I finally let go of all the burdens in my heart.

In the past, I seemed to be blinded by a leaf. I was worried about all kinds of hardships in the future with Chen Yan, but I forgot that Chen Yan also likes men.So those things that are still illusory are nothing.What am I afraid of.

He likes me.

The author has something to say: It’s over, let’s sprinkle flowers~~~~~<(￣︶￣)>

I just wanted to practice my pen and wrote a long time without knowing it.

So I made up the plot and filled it out

It's actually the first article I wrote, so memorable