PS. 1437

three

Only the fifth year of English class should be very easy, but maybe because of my mother's illness, I feel a lot of pressure.

I always remember what my mother said: "When you were young, I told myself not to be sick, because I couldn't take care of you when I was sick. Now that you are grown up, I don't have to worry about being sick and no one will take care of you, but I regret that I can't see you graduate. , and then marry and have children.”

I, who was supposed to graduate, postponed my graduation due to a stupid reason. I knew that my mother wanted to attend my graduation ceremony, and she wanted to take a photo with us in our academic gowns.I know, mom is a person who loves to take pictures.

Because of this, I feel even more guilty.

I don’t have much time for social. I usually go to school or to the hospital. Occasionally Xiaojie will come to me when he’s more relaxed. I’ll go home and have a good rest. This has become a cycle of my life.

I think the happiest time for me every week is when I take English class, I can see the teacher, and every time I hand in my homework after class, she gives me a smile.That made my life a little more throbbing in the ordinary.

From time to time, Xiaojie would ask me about the recent situation of the "beautiful teacher". All I can tell him is that the teacher said something besides the lecture every week, and that's all.

Until, I received an e-mail from the teacher.

"Dear Patricia:

Please contact with meassoonas possible, I receive some documents about your graduation from the school. (Please contact me as soon as possible, I recently received some documents about your graduation from the school.)

Frances Shih

When I saw the teacher's letter appear in my mailbox, I felt "both looking forward to and afraid of being hurt", but when I knew it was something related to graduation, I couldn't laugh anymore.

I must graduate.

Fortunately, there is an English class the next day, so it shouldn't be too late to find the teacher after class.

So I wrote back to the teacher and told her that I would visit her tomorrow after English class.

Before going to bed, I told Xiaojie about the teacher looking for me. He seemed to be more "looking forward" to "meeting" with the teacher than I was.

I don't seem to have any special feelings about it myself. What I worry about is whether I can graduate.

The next day in class, the teacher told me to stay after class when the roll call was over.

I nodded and the teacher started the lesson.

When the bell rang for the end of get out of class, there were still students in twos and threes surrounding the teacher asking questions. I silently collected my things and waited for the teacher.

"Sorry for keeping you waiting." After all the classmates left, the teacher put away the things and said to me with a smile.

"No, it's okay." This was the first time the teacher spoke to me alone.

"Are you graduating this year?" the teacher asked me.

"Well, I don't want to delay any longer." I replied honestly.

"The school sent me an e-mail a few days ago, telling me that I haven't received your graduation English test results, and I want to ask you." The teacher looked at me and said.

"I should have passed the exam when I was a freshman. Isn't it enough to take the first exam for the middle and senior English exams?" I asked the teacher.

"You passed the exam? How did this happen? Are you busy?" The teacher seemed more worried than I was.

I shook my head.

"Then come back to the laboratory with me, and I'll see what the problem is." The teacher walked out of the classroom while picking up her things.

"Oh, okay, teacher, I'll help you carry things." I followed behind the teacher, and took the handouts and homework from her hand.

"Thank you." The teacher didn't refuse, and let me take most of the handouts.

The moment I took the things, my hand touched the teacher's hand. At that moment, I froze for a moment and found that I wanted to hold the teacher's hand.

"What's wrong?" The teacher turned around and asked me who stopped suddenly.

"No." I quickly followed.

"I saw your student number, you should be a senior this year, right?" The teacher took the initiative to start the topic.

"Oh, because I haven't passed English in my freshman year, and I have to retake it." I answered honestly.

"But I saw your homework. Your English level is very good. How could you be accepted?" The teacher continued to ask.

"I skipped too many classes and the teacher was upset, so he took me for it." I said.

"Skipping classes so much?" The teacher asked me with a smile.

"Actually, it's okay. When I was young, I was ignorant and skipped classes if I didn't like the teacher. So now I'm getting retribution!" I also said with a smile.

"Oh? So it's retribution for me to attend my class?" The teacher continued to ask, grasping at my poor grammar.

"No, no, no, I mean it's retribution to study in the fifth year, and it has nothing to do with the teacher." I explained hastily.

"Hehe! It's fun to tease you." The teacher smiled happily.

"Oh..." I didn't know what to say.

Unknowingly, we walked to the teacher's research room.

"Just put things on the sofa." The teacher opened the door, went to the seat and turned on the computer.

The teacher's research room is very tidy. There is a row of bookshelves on the right hand side as soon as you enter the door. The teacher put a three-seater sofa on the opposite side of the bookshelves. There is also a small coffee table in front of it, with a tablecloth on it and a few small flowers.The table is also very neat, except for the computer, the rest of the space, whether it is books, handouts, homework, or examination papers, are all placed in their proper places in an orderly manner.

"What's the matter? How stupid?" The teacher looked at me who put down the things and looked around.

"It's nothing, the teacher's research room is so tidy." I said.

"That's what I just sorted out a while ago, and it's not like that after a long time." The teacher said.

"So I came at the right time?" I asked the teacher in a playful tone.

"Yes, otherwise I wouldn't dare to ask students to come." The teacher didn't seem to care too much.

"Then I'm really honored to be able to visit the teacher's laboratory." I seemed to be less nervous.

"Yeah... Oh, the school said that the grades are required within three years, and yours seems to be expired." The teacher looked at me and said.

"Is there still time to make up?" I was a little nervous.

"Yes, but which one do you want to take?" the teacher asked me.

"I don't know..." I answered honestly.

"Do you want to go abroad in the future?" the teacher asked again.

I nodded.

"Then choose one of TOEFL or GRE?" The teacher looked at me and said.

"I should not go abroad so soon." I thought of my mother in the hospital.

"Oh? Why?" The teacher asked suspiciously.

"There are things at home that prevent me from leaving the country right away." I don't like telling people about my mother.

"Oh, that's it. Otherwise, you can take the TOEIC test. TOEIC is very simple, but there are too many questions." The teacher didn't ask much.

"Okay, I see, thank you teacher." I said with a smile.

"TOEIC information should be easy to find, do you want me to find it for you?" the teacher asked with a smile.

"No, I can find it myself, thank you teacher!" I was really embarrassed to bother the teacher.

"Then go ahead! Ask me anytime if you have any questions." The teacher had a nice smile.

"Well, thank you teacher! Then I'll go first." I suddenly didn't know what to say to the teacher, and I realized that it was getting late, and I should go back to the hospital as soon as possible.

"Okay." The teacher stood up and opened the door for me.

"Goodbye, teacher." I walked out the door and closed the door gently.

That night Xiaojie asked me about going to see the teacher, I told him honestly what the teacher told me, and about going to the teacher's research room.

"Oh, why don't you stay longer? It's fine to chat about whatever you want!" We chatted on the bench outside the hospital.

"Your sister can't talk nonsense, it's not like you don't know." I said helplessly.

"You have to seize the opportunity to impress the teacher more on you." Xiaojie said.

"And then? She's a teacher! No matter how good your impression is, it's still a teacher-student relationship." I replied to him.

"The teacher-student relationship may still develop into a teacher-student relationship." Xiaojie said teasingly.

"Your sister doesn't have the courage...and she's going to be in a lot of trouble," I said.

"Your trouble or the teacher's trouble?" Xiaojie asked me.

"I'll have both! Just kidding," I replied.

"Anyway, you're graduating soon! After you graduate, you won't be her student, so you'll be fine!" Xiaojie thought naively.

"Then what if my research institute is still here? I will definitely be gossiped." I hate being talked about.

"Then you can get into T University! Haha! That's all right! If you have a girlfriend who is studying in T University, the teacher will be very honored." Xiaojie said it as if it was true.

"You think too much! I'd better pass the TOEIC I should take first." I thought about the TOEIC I was going to take.

"Didn't TOEIC be said to be easy? You've almost got full marks in the intermediate and advanced tests. What are you afraid of?" Xiaojie pushed my shoulder.

"Hey! Your sister is not like you who only ask for it. I still want to get a high score! TOEIC should be at least 950." I said angrily.

"Yes, yes, I'm working hard now! Maybe I can take the textbook this semester!" Xiaojie said and became proud.

"Then I expect you to show me the scroll! You take the scroll, after mom is discharged from the hospital, we will have a big meal." I patted him on the shoulder.

"Okay, then you two just wait for a big meal!" Xiaojie said confidently.

"Well, it's getting late, you should go back quickly, you have class tomorrow." I looked at my watch.

"You can go home tomorrow instead! I don't have to go to school on Saturday the day after tomorrow." Xiaojie said as he stood up.

"Okay, when are you coming tomorrow?" I asked him.

"It should be six or seven o'clock." He thought for a while.

"Shall I wait for you to eat?" I asked again.

"If I'm not here before seven, you can eat first," he said.

"Ok, then you go home and be careful. Go to bed early, don't touch too late." I reminded him.

"I see, I'm leaving, bye bye." Xiaojie waved his hand as he said.

I stood at the door of the hospital and watched him leave before returning to the ward.

Mom is already asleep.

I took out my computer, searched for some information about TOEIC on the Internet, wrote down the time of the test on the calendar, and found a few books recommended by everyone on the Internet, then took a shower and got ready for bed.

I was lying on the companion bed in the hospital, and I suddenly longed for someone to accompany me.

Xiaojie always said that I was the No.1 strong woman in his mind, ever since his mother got sick.The original No.1 was the mother who pulled us up since we were young.

I always tell myself to do what I have to do well, not to worry my mother, and to take good care of Xiaojie.Although he is also 20 years old, to me, he has always been a younger brother who needs someone to take care of.

Sometimes, I also think, if I fall in love, what kind of person will the other party be?What will happen to me?

I know that I am someone who needs someone to lean on.I'm just so used to being strong and only vulnerable when I'm alone.

Then, I thought of the teacher.

Does she have a boyfriend?What is it like for her to let go of the role of "teacher"?What does she do when she gets home?

Also, what would it feel like to hold the teacher's hand, slender fingers, and fair skin?

How old is the teacher?Looks like he's in his early thirties.

well!I really want to know more about the teacher.

I don't know when I fell asleep, but I was woken up by the greeting from the nurse who came in to take my temperature.

"Auntie, take your temperature." The nurse on the morning shift is always on time and opens the door at seven o'clock.

But today, Mom didn't greet the nurse, and I vaguely felt something was wrong.

"Mom, are you okay?" I sat up and looked at Mom.

Mom slowly opened her eyes, not as energetic as usual.

"Is it a side effect of chemotherapy?" I asked the nurse. Every time she finished chemotherapy, she would lose energy for two or three days.

"I'm not sure, but Auntie has a fever." The nurse looked at the thermometer, it was 38 o'clock.

"So what?" I asked the nurse.

"I'm going to tell the doctor now." The nurse turned around and left the ward.

"Girl, I don't feel well." Mom said weakly.

"Is it chemotherapy?" I asked her.

"It seems different." She shook her head and said.

"Is that okay?" I asked worriedly.

"I don't know, I should take a break and I'll be fine," Mom said.

"Okay, then you continue to sleep, I'll be right here." I helped her pull the quilt up.

That day until Xiaojie came, the mother's fever did not subside.

"How did this happen? Could it be an infection?" Xiaojie looked at his mother's temperature record.

"I don't know. It's been like this all day. I'm dying of panic." I said.

"Sister, go back and have a good rest. I'm here today, I'm fine." Xiaojie patted my shoulder.

"But I'm worried." I looked at my pale mother.

"Sister, don't worry, go back and have a good rest, you won't be able to sleep well in the hospital." Xiaojie helped me pack my things on his own.

"Okay, then I'll leave it to you." I turned around and took the things that Xiaojie had arranged.

"Well, there's no problem. Be careful when you go home." Xiaojie escorted me to the door, and I went home worried.

On the bus, I looked at the bustling urban area. Today is Friday and tomorrow is the weekend. Tonight, this city must be noisy until late at night.

But I feel extremely lonely.

I thought of the teacher again.

I don't know what the teacher is doing now?dating?Or try to change homework?

I arrived home unknowingly. Because of Xiaojie's mid-term exam, I stayed in the hospital for two weeks. The moment I stepped into the house, I felt strange.

I took my clothes and went into the bathroom, put a tub of hot water, and soaked myself in the water. It seemed like I hadn't relaxed like this for a long time.From the day my mother was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer.

I remember the second when I heard the news from the doctor that day, that sentence was like a powerful atomic bomb detonated in the world of the three of us, everything was still, only us and the doctor looked at each other.

"Doctor, how long does my mother have?" Xiaojie asked first.

"I can't guarantee this. In the same cases in the past, although some people were in the terminal stage, they recovered well after chemotherapy. Of course, there are also very pessimistic ones." The doctor may want to comfort us.

Then there was another silence.

"You can discuss it and let me know the results. The hospital will fully respect the patient's decision." The doctor looked at the heavy we and said.

"No, doctor, I'm getting chemo." Mom made her own decision.

"Mom? Are you sure?" Maybe this question sounds "unfilial", but I really asked it at that time.

"I'm sure, you and Xiaojie are still young, and Mom wishes I could spend more time with you. I'm willing to try." Mom said firmly.

"Okay, then I will help you arrange chemotherapy immediately. Is auntie going to work or something?" the doctor asked.

"Mom, you just stay in the hospital and concentrate on receiving treatment. Don't worry about anything, my sister and I are fine." Xiaojie told his mother.

"Doctor, do I have to stay in the hospital?" Mom asked the doctor.

"Not necessarily, but auntie, if we can grasp your situation in the first place, it is of course the best." The doctor said.

"Mom, just listen to Xiaojie. I have nothing to do now. I can accompany you. Don't worry." I told my mother.

In this way, we began to live almost as our home in the hospital.

Mom's situation has always been ups and downs. After all, terminal cancer, everyone knows that this is a gamble with little chance of winning, and the doctor told us early on that we should be mentally prepared.

Half a year later, when we thought we were about to win, the doctor told us that the cancer had metastasized.

The second atomic bomb explodes in our world.

That was two months ago.

We didn't let my mother know about the cancer metastasis. The doctor only told her that because of the need for treatment, we changed her to a new medicine.

Xiaojie and I also have a tacit understanding. We never mention anything about her illness in front of my mother. Maybe I have a bit of an ostrich mentality of avoiding it, but we would rather not know anything about my mother and continue to follow what she said at the beginning. , for us to work hard to live, this is enough.

That day, I took a shower and went to bed very early. I haven't slept so well for a long time. My bed is still the one I'm most used to. When I opened my eyes again, it was already noon.

When I opened my eyes and picked up the phone beside the bed, I saw a message from Xiaojie.

"Mommy's condition is not very good. I'll tell you when you come to the hospital."

A simple sentence drove away all the laziness I still had. I hurriedly got out of bed, brushed my teeth and washed my face, and rushed to the hospital without stopping for a moment.

The person on the hospital bed seemed to be in a deep sleep, but there was already an oxygen mask on his face that was not there before. Xiaojie pushed my elbow, and the two of us went outside the ward together.

"What's wrong?" I asked him.

"The doctor said it's transferred again, this time it's the brain." Xiaojie looked at me and said.

"How could this be?" I asked in disbelief.

"The doctor doesn't know either. The doctor wants us to think about it carefully. Should we find a way to prolong Mommy's life with drugs, or continue like this." I understand Xiaojie's words.

"Extended medication, is it painful?" I looked at him and asked.

"Well, you also saw how uncomfortable Mommy is every time she goes through chemotherapy, and it will probably be even more uncomfortable after that," he said.

"How about continuing?" I asked again.

"The cancer cells have invaded her brain, and her perception of the surrounding environment will become weaker and weaker, which means that her mind may become less and less clear, and all her physiological functions will gradually become paralyzed, and eventually she will die due to organ failure. Passed away." Xiaojie explained to me.

"Will it be less painful this way?" I asked.

"Maybe, but I can't guarantee it." Xiaojie said honestly.

"Mom told me before that if one day her heartbeat stops without warning, let her go like this..." I thought about what my mother said to me that day.

"When?" Jay asked me.

"One time she said it when she was suffering from chemotherapy. She said that chemotherapy was really sad, and then she said sorry to me. She didn't seem to be as strong as she thought. She felt that she was going to be unable to hold on." I honestly said Answer Xiaojie.

"I know. After Dad passed away, Mommy's health got worse and worse because of being busy, I understand." Xiaojie leaned against the wall and said looking at the ceiling.

"She used her busyness to make herself forget the pain of her father's leaving. Their relationship is so good..." I said.

"That's it, Mommy has worked hard enough, I don't want to make her suffer more." Xiaojie looked at me and asked for my opinion with his eyes.

"Well, although I am reluctant and sad, I am even more reluctant to let my mother suffer again." I expressed my thoughts.

"Okay, then I'll talk to the doctor. The doctor wants us to be mentally prepared at all times." Xiaojie said, and I nodded.

Then we turned and went back to the ward.

"Xiaojie, you have grown up." I said suddenly.

"Of course, otherwise how will I take care of you in the future?" He turned his head and smiled.

I'm also surprised that the two of us can discuss Mom's situation so calmly and rationally, and then make a decision as calmly as possible, which may be called "unfilial".

But we both believed that if we asked Ma, she would say the same thing.

This is since my mother got sick, I really feel that I am going to lose her.

I secretly made a decision in my heart.

In the days that followed, I didn’t go anywhere, I just went home, packed enough clothes, and brought the camera I bought last year with great savings. A woman of more than 20 years.

I began to feel the panic of "the child wants to raise but the family does not wait". I always record the last time through the lens of the camera at night, or when my mother falls asleep.

Her face is no longer as radiant as before, her voice is no longer as energetic as before, and her smile is not as bright as it should be.Sometimes, when she opened her eyes and saw me facing her camera, she would pull up the corners of her mouth hard and give me a hard but still beautiful smile in my eyes, I think she knew what I was doing.

She once told me that after Dad passed away, the two people she loved most in the world were me and Xiaojie.

My life is because of her; her life is meaningful because of me, she once said to me.

I have never felt so deeply the meaning of the role of "mother" in my life.

I read a sentence in a book that described my mother like this: "She used her youth to exchange mine; she used her life to create mine; she used her health to make me Yes. The so-called true meaning of love in the Bible can be seen in practice in her.” That’s the thing.

We are always too eager to grow up. When we can only stumble and walk, we are eager to shake off the hands that are always afraid of us falling, but often support me under my armpits; we are always too eager to fly. When I was plump enough to fly, I thought I was strong enough to leave the wings that always covered my body in order to protect me from getting hurt.

And when we were wounded all over after our wanderings, those hands and those wings always returned to us silently, smiling, and welcoming us home.

"Girl, what are you thinking?" Mom's weak voice interrupted my thoughts.

"I'm thinking... there is probably no second person in the world who loves me as much as you do, so much." I said with a smile.

"Why did I suddenly feel numb?" Mom asked me.

"No, just tell the truth." I said.

"Girl, I don't have much time," Mom said suddenly.

"Don't think about it." There was a slight reproach in my tone.

"I'm not thinking wildly. I know my situation very well. You and Xiaojie must know it too, but you didn't say anything." Actually, Mom knew everything.

"Hmm." I was speechless.

"Do you remember what I told you? About me not giving first aid." Mom looked at me and asked.

"I remember." I nodded.

"Then you will listen to me?" Mom continued.

"I will." I promise her.

"You and Xiaojie, will you blame me?" Mom asked me again.

"No, you have worked so hard for us, we are much better, and we don't want you to continue to suffer, really." I held her hand.

"You two are really the greatest blessing in my life." After Mom finished speaking, she closed her eyes and fell asleep again.

"Xiaojie and I are the luckiest thing to have a mother like you." I looked at her sleeping face and murmured.

During that time, I didn't even go to English class, I was afraid I might miss something.

I feel a little sorry for the teacher, but... that's it.