coward

In the spring of 1999, I came back from the south by train, exhausted all over my body.

Looking at the sky passing by outside the window from the carriage, the wires are densely stretched, empty and misty.

Everything is gray, except for the delicate and delicate girl in front of the window.

The girl was wearing a small cashmere jacket, sitting next to a group of rough workers carrying large and small bags, looking out of place.

I glanced at her, she just raised her head and smiled at me slightly.

I don't look at her anymore.

On the morning of March 1999, 3, I never looked at it again.

She was going to visit her relatives in the capital on Girls' Day off. She was a college student that year, quietly reading a book among the swaying passengers in a carriage, which was as beautiful as a painting.

Sitting next to her, I could hear her faintly turning the pages of the book.

During dinner, she talked to me.

She asked where I was from.

I blurted out the little town she hadn't heard of.

She smiled, as she did many times.

Although that was the first time I saw her.

She said that she wanted to say thank you to me when I helped her put her luggage in the morning, but seeing how silent I was, she didn't say anything after all.

"You look so fierce," she said.

She also said that when she stepped on me, she was afraid that I would get angry and beat her.

The little girl looks petite and cute, and she speaks softly and waxy, why is she so talkative.

twittering.

I don't understand some timbres, but it doesn't prevent her waxy voice from getting into my ears.

I gave her the red dates in the bag, and she squinted and smiled and said thank you.

She said she ran away from home secretly to see her brother who was studying in the capital.

She had a smile in her eyes when she was talking, and when she looked out, the tip of her nose touched the window glass, and she gave an embarrassed smile.

At one o'clock in the morning, she asked me if I was going to get off the station, and I shook my head wildly.

Tickets are expensive, and I don't have a ticket to the capital.

Then the train arrived at the station.

She smiled and waved away, and the little braid disappeared into the crowd with a flick of her hair.

I sat beside her and arrived at the city full of people.

see hell.

I was going home a day and a half ago.

A small town that not many people know about.

In that city, a city full of people, I met her again.

In the spring of 2001, just after the New Year, the red lanterns on the street reflected red indistinctly.

She sat in front of a bookstore in a daze.

When she looked up, she froze.

On February 2001, 2, she bit a candied haws and looked at me who was carrying a bag of cement and said, "Hey, is that you?"

………………

I don't have a home, I can live anywhere, and I can live if I have something to eat.

It's good to be locked up in this room now.

Except for the electric shocks and chains for compulsory detoxification, the others are pretty good.

Did she feel that way at the time?

………………

I got her.

lied to.

Was she crying?

I forgot.

When I kissed her she asked if I could let her go home.

With tears in the corners of his eyes, he still dared to pull my clothes.

I said no.

Never can.

She trembled in my arms begging for mercy.

The door panel was leaking, so I wrapped her tightly in my coat.

make her hurt.

Can't let go.

………………

She stopped talking.

Say nothing.

She was still wearing the velvet dress.

She squeezed the skirt tightly, trembling uncontrollably when her hand touched the torn part.

She started screaming when she saw me and shrank into a corner.

I pulled her forcefully, and she cried again.

I kissed her tears away, and she cried even harder.

On September 2001, 9, she did not eat for another day.

I fed her, and she seemed like she couldn't even open her mouth.

She closed her eyes and didn't even look at me.

On October 2001, 10, she said she wanted to go out and bask in the sun.

Her voice was so hoarse that I could barely hear someone talking.

Her skin was still very white, but it was no longer milky, dry and pale, like a broken butterfly about to fall.

She didn't come and fly away, and I didn't allow it.

She wants to escape.

I pinned her to the head of the bed and tore her cotton skirt.

When I entered, Can Die cried fiercely, but I wouldn't stop.

Shaking, heaving, deep, tearing, screaming...

Only then can I feel that she belongs to me.

When I pinched her pale lips, I felt a different stimulation.

She is disobedient, but why do I cry.

I punished myself in all the softness of her body.

I hugged her from behind, hugged her tightly, buried my head in her hair and fell asleep.

………………

My brain exploded when she said she was pregnant.

Before she had time to be happy, she asked to kill the child.

I knelt in front of her, and she sat all night on the corner of the wall where I spread my coat.

I nailed the windows and chained the door.

Lock her up.

I work 15 hours a day and only dare to sleep next to her at night.

I secretly kissed her forehead.

It's not enough to keep her.

The little one was born, a little ball.

She was even more emaciated.

………………

She smiled today, looking at the little ball.

I hugged him, and he stretched out his little hand and scratched my face with two red spots.

Brat, are you avenging your mother?

Dad will be nice to mom and support you two.

She coaxed and teased the brat.

I said give the child a name.

She froze and stopped talking.

………………

Qinghe.

It took me a long time to realize that she was calling Xiaobao.

Xiaobao is almost one year old and can stand unsteadily for a while.

She stretched out her hand to protect Xiaobao, and called out two words softly.

Her voice was still very soft, waxy and soft.

........................

It was cold, and I wrapped her like a zongzi.

When the weather changed, she would cough and shiver from the cold.

When I held her in my arms at night, she couldn't even push.

I said good or not.

blame me.

I cried when I coaxed her.

If you don't cry, your face will be cracked again.

I couldn't have been happier with my arms around them both.

........................

It is summer.

Summer is here again.

She can talk and eat.

Will smile at Xiaoqing and even smile at me.

I was in a trance that day.

Until night, I opened the iron gate.

She is hurting herself.

The water glass was broken, and the broken porcelain left deep and shallow marks on her pale wrist.

I'm dying.

I bandaged her up, but she kept her eyes down and didn't respond at all.

Why?

look at me!

Why won't she look at me!

I tore up her barrier and entered fiercely.

Tears slipped from the corners of her eyes, dimly, she looked at me, her eyes were empty, and her soul escaped.

She escaped anyway.

I held her and kissed the tears she kept on crying.

I bit her lip and moved faster, watching her frown in pain.

She died, on me.

I see her tighter.

I want to protect this body.

She looks all right now.

He can talk and laugh, he will leave food for me, and he will say it hurts when he asks for it too hard.

I kiss her with all my tenderness.

Those seven years were like a dream to me.

Xiao Qinghe grew up and began to hunt, and dared to climb on my back to sit on my neck.Jump up and down, climb trees and dig out bird nests.

Today the teacher asked the parents to make clay figurines together, and he was very happy last night.

In the small vase on the table is the sunflower that was picked for her today, and next to it is a small pot of mulberries that my son and I climbed on the tree and picked for her. She smiled gently beside her.

I thought I could just raise Xiaobao like this and grow old with her.

But everything is what I thought.

At dusk when the sun was setting, she shattered like a cicada.

She was wearing the fine velvet white dress from before, and she was placed on the ground like a stiff doll.

Eyes are red.

The first time she bit the candied haws and stuffed her hand into my pocket, she was so cute and cute, I held her little hand to help her warm.

In such a cold winter, she tucked into my arms and I still warmed her up. Why can’t it work in such a hot summer?

She likes to be clean the most. I hugged her for two days, and she must think I stink.

The mulberry can be picked again, and I don't know if she wants a big one.

………………

Why hasn't she written in her diary for so many days?

I didn't peek at it three years ago.

Never again.

I opened her golden diary and stroked the handwriting that I copied thousands of times.

Delicate, upright, coquettish and charming, and a little obedient.

Can the pen still come out of water?

can.

In 2006, her diary continued again.

The little sunflowers she drew are so pretty.

I really won't.

Xiaobao has grown up.

I look for my mother every day.

I miss you so much.

You said, will I see you again?

Bao, I saw you today.You still look good.

Don't go!

Be good, come back, I will love you well.

I can no longer...

She never left me, but only at certain moments.

………………

I hate him.

All because of him.

She can escape, she can escape...

Blame him!

no no!

Don't blame him, he is my treasure, my little treasure...

Go to hell!

Hahaha!

dead... just fine...

Qinghe, don't blame me...

........................

In the summer of 2020, I went back to that summer again. The wind was very warm, and the sunset was burning half the sky red. I picked a sunflower at random and handed it to her. She smiled gently.

He took her hand and kissed her gently on the tip of her ear.

The author has something to say: Everyone has their joys and sorrows.