Point

November may be the best month of the year to contemplate the meaning of life and death.

What is the meaning of a hundred years for human beings, what is the difference between snakes, insects and ants, what is the difference between life and death, and what is the difference between living and dying.

What humans can see and what they want to see in the moment before death.

He Tianxi has experienced the feeling of near death three times in his life since he can remember.

The first time was just a few days after his birthday, and now it can be said unabashedly that because Xing Congjing’s incident had hit him too hard, he was in a daze for a long time, and when he went downstairs, he rolled down the stairs of his own house, and finally His head hit the marble pillar at the corner, and what he saw just a second before he lost consciousness was the scene when he saw Xing Congjing for the first time. Eye.

After he woke up from the ICU of the hospital, he saw his mother with red eyes, his brother and father with worried faces, grandparents, and grandparents all around his hospital bed. It's been a dream for a long time, and the groggy things in the dream are all the things of the previous few years, most of them are happy things, and there are no unhappy things.

It was just a little strange at the time, he changed the ward not long after he woke up, Xing Congjing came to visit him alone, without a few mutual friends, and it happened that he just changed the ward, Xing Congjing knew about it.

He Tianxi didn't have the brains to think about it at the time, his face turned pale when he saw Xing Congjing push the door open, and then his head, which was wrapped in gauze a few times, began to ache faintly.

At that time, there was a nurse in the ward who had been sitting on the sofa in the ward reading magazines. When he saw someone visiting, he left the ward with an excuse.

There were only two people left in the ward, which made He Tianxi even more nervous, he was almost out of breath, he was afraid of Xing Congjing.

He was afraid that every word Xing Congjing said, every movement he made, every move and every word of Xing Congjing would become a poisoned sword for him, if he was a little careless, he would Forever.

Xing Congjing didn't speak, he moved a stool and sat beside the hospital bed. After a few minutes of silence, he took an apple from the fruit basket and a fruit knife.

Every time Xing Congjing moved, He Tianxi couldn't help shaking on the bed.

Xing Congjing patiently peeled the apple beside the hospital bed. The apple peel was peeled into a long strip without breaking it halfway.

He Tianxi was in the same room with this person with a level of trepidation that he had never experienced in 18 years. How much he liked being in the same room with this person in the past, at that time he was so afraid of staying in the same space with him.

Xing Congjing was very quiet when he was peeling the apple, with his head slightly lowered, his expression focused as if he was carving some kind of artwork, and He Tianxi vaguely saw him pursing his lips after a long while.

Xing Congjing's daily expression is cold, and most of the time when he smiles, there is a bit of acrimonious yin and yang. At that time, a very faint dimple appeared at the corner of his mouth, which made He Tianxi's eyes turn sour for no reason, and he was so wronged. I was going to die, no one would tell me that I was wronged, and I dared not tell anyone.

After a while, he hated Xing Congjing again, feeling that Xing Congjing shouldn't have treated him like this, and with a fluke that was almost shameful in the circumstances at the time, he hoped that Xing Congjing could say something, whatever he wanted , what he wants to hear, what can alleviate his grievance and hatred.

Xing Congjing just put down the fruit knife after peeling the apple. He took a bite of the apple and chewed it slowly for a while before turning his gaze to He Tianxi's face. He stared at He Tianxi who was lying on the hospital bed for a while, and swallowed. The apple in his mouth said, "Forget it."

He Tianxi opened his eyes slightly, when he heard Xing Congjing continue: "Offset, we don't owe each other, let's forget it later."

He Tianxi had some doubts about what he heard, his disbelief instantly turned into monstrous anger, and the dull pain in his head also turned into his anger at this instant.

"Do you know what you're talking about?" His voice was hoarse, and there seemed to be a straight line that was about to break in his voice.

The instigator just looked at him calmly.

"What does it have to do with me, what does it have to do with me, what does it have to do with me?! Why do you treat me like this?! Xing Congjing, why do you treat me like this! What did I do wrong, and I owe you again What, what's wrong with me?" He was very angry at first, but that anger could lead him to immediately pick up the uncovered fruit knife that was just used up on the table next to him, and this anger could even make him become a man without hesitation. a murderer.

He was holding the handle of the fruit knife, trembling all over.

The instigator still looked at him calmly, and his anger turned into a pain he had never felt before in his life. He held the fruit knife he wanted to kill with one hand, and covered his face with the other, before he could speak. At the end of the speech, he broke down and cried.

When Xing Congjing stood up from the chair, he reached out and touched the gauze on his head for a while, finally took the fruit knife in his hand, and told him, "Live well, goodbye."

"I hate you." He Tianxi told him as he left.

Xing Congjing didn't respond, and left directly from the ward with a fruit knife and the apples he hadn't finished eating.

In the next few years, He Tianxi never saw him again.

The second time He Tianxi experienced the feeling of dying was when he was 23 years old.

When he was 21, Xing Congjing suddenly contacted him again, and when he was 22, he appeared in the house next to his school.

When we first met, He Tianxi was a little afraid of him. He didn't want to go home all day long, and got drunk in bars with his classmates every day. Xing Congjing never concealed his disgust for his attitude towards life at that time, and occasionally came here on weekends. When I stayed for two days and went to the bar to catch him, I never spoke well.

He Tianxi didn't speak well, and when he was drunk, he quarreled with him in the bar, saying that he was a dog, let him go, let him go away from him.

Xing Congjing had a bad temper, carried him home, pinched him by the collar and threw him into the bathroom, where the water from the shower head was turned on and poured down on him.

"Are you awake?"

With drunken eyes, He Tianxi felt that Xing Congjing looked at him as if he was looking at the vomit of someone near the bar. He Tianxi vomited all over Xing Congjing, and laughed with the mentality of revenge.

Xing Congjing frowned and looked at him: "You really look like a piece of trash." His tone was very contemptuous, "If you don't live in your current family, do you think you can enjoy your current life, and there are people following you?" Do you help you clean up the mess behind your ass, you live like mud, and if you put it in any ordinary person's house, it will only become garbage and be thrown into the trash can."

Sitting on the wet bathroom floor, He Tianxi reached out to wipe the water all over his face, and said with a sneer, "Qiu Fu, I hate that I was not born in a family like mine, and I can't do anything about many things, right? I feel disgusted, because my brother asked you to take care of me, so you came here anyway, right?"

He Tianxi wiped off the drops of water on his face: "Go away, no one wants you here, and I feel disgusted when I see you."

Xing Congjing stared at the bright fluorescent lamp in the bathroom and looked at him expressionlessly.

He Tianxi continued: "I really feel disgusted when I see you. If killing people is not against the law, I wish I could stab you one hundred or one thousand times a day. If you die, I will whip your corpse [-] times."

Xing Congjing laughed mockingly, then turned and left the bathroom.

He Tianxi stumbled to the toilet and began to vomit, and wiped his eyes with a piece of paper after vomiting.

When sleeping at night, Xing Congjing pinched the back of his neck and lifted his pajamas. He Tianxi thumped on the bed, turned around and fought with Xing Congjing. His pajama pants.

He Tianxi knelt on the indoor floor, trembling all over: "Let me go—!"

Xing Congjing's voice remained the same up and down, and she seemed extremely cold: "You think I'm disgusting? That's okay, until you turn yourself into a human being, I can only keep disgusting you."

He Tianxi scolded him indiscriminately in a high voice.

Xing Congjing turned a deaf ear to him, and sneered amidst his scolding, "Who told you that your brother asked me to 'take care' of you?"

He Tianxi suddenly lost his voice in such a sentence, and his begging voice came from the gap in his arms after a long time.

"……Please."

"..." Xing Congjing paused.

"Please." He Tianxi said.

Xing Congjing let go of his hand, and he withdrew his body back, asking expressionlessly, "What?"

He Tianxi supported himself by the edge of the bed. He knelt on the floor and straightened his upper body. After a while, he moved his knees and turned around, facing Xing Congjing.

He knelt in front of Xing Congjing and bit his lips: "Please." He said.

"..." Xing Congjing looked at him without saying a word.

He Tianxi said: "I beg you to let me go, please, Xing Congjing."

"..."

He Tianxi wiped his eyes with his hand, and said in a hoarse voice: "I apologize to you on behalf of my parents, okay, they shouldn't just want to invest in some construction company with a little spare money, and they shouldn't think about it after the investment is over." To build a house to make money, you should not hire unprofessional people, and you should not hire an unprofessional team, so that the new house you just bought will collapse as soon as you live in it, and you will lose your family."

"..." Xing Congjing remained expressionless.

He Tianxi still knelt straight in front of Xing Congjing: "I apologize to you on my knees, please forgive me? Please forgive me, my parents shouldn't be alive after the accident and paid the compensation according to the court order. They should die with your family, how can human life be counted in money, the court should sentence them both to death, it is best to sentence me, my brother and my whole family to death to compensate you for the pain of losing your whole family."

He Tianxi's voice was dry and hoarse, obviously he had been wronged for a long time, but his voice was dry and astringent, like an emotionless AI.

Xing Congjing's fingers beside the trouser legs moved slightly.

He Tianxi looked up and stared at Xing Congjing: "They shouldn't have taken you to live in my house after knowing that your relatives took your compensation money and didn't use it on you. Let you live under the fence and let you live in the enemy's house , I can see my enemy living happily every day, I apologize to you, please forgive me."

Xing Congjing pursed her lips.

He Tianxi stared at Xing Congjing with red eyes: "They shamelessly provided you with a place to live and a place to study without asking your opinion. I apologize to you about this matter and beg you to forgive me."

"..."

He Tianxi's voice trembled, and he burst into tears: "And I was born as the son of the two of them, with their blood flowing in my body. I was also wrong, and I apologize to you."

"..." Xing Congjing frowned slightly.

He Tianxi said loudly: "Yes, there is also my brother. He has relied on you to support me for several years. He knows that you are about to graduate and has not yet found an internship unit. He asked you to go to his company for an internship, and asked you to come to me. I can't help you. The mud on the wall, I also apologize to you."

With red eyes, He Tianxi stared viciously at Xing Congjing, who still had no expression on his face: "We were all wrong, so let me apologize to you on their behalf. You treated me like that before, and I, as our son, should answer Retribution, okay? Now, can I ask you to let me go, I'm kneeling here and begging you to let me go, okay?"

"..."

"Xing Congjing, can you fucking let me go."

"..."

"How could you do this to me..."

Xing Congjing was standing by the side and after listening to him finish crying, he even sighed, and after a long silence, he said: "If you want me not to come to you, then you don't want to keep tossing your brother out." I'm here to find you."

After He Tianxi heard this, he didn't know why he found it extremely ridiculous. Xing Congjing really didn't have a heart, his emotions were tense, and all the grievances, humiliations and shame in his life were obtained from Xing Congjing.

All the decadent living conditions were also brought to him by Xing Congjing.

This man waved his sleeves, and said a word without any emotion, so as to end this deformed and terrible relationship. He Tianxi felt his whole body calm down. He felt that he was ugly, without pride and dignity. , nothing, really like a puddle of mud that no one else wants to look at. He stood up from the floor, tidied up his clothes, pointed at the door of his bedroom, and used his 20-plus years of strength to calm down. The word "roll" was uttered.

Xing Congjing glanced at him, just when He Tianxi thought he was going to say something, he should use his mouth to say something human, Xing Congjing nodded: "OK alive."

After he said this without any pain, he walked out of the bedroom with the bag he had brought.

He Tianxi threw the desk lamp on the bedside table toward the door, and sat down on the edge of the bed after a long time, covering his face, feeling ashamed, and even more disgusted, that he was expecting nothing at the last second. I hope that Xing Congjing will say something, just anything, don't mock him, don't scold him, and exchange a word or two calmly and normally.

Or just say one more word.

As long as that sentence is fine.

Xing Congjing really hasn't come to see him since he left that time. Before that, he would take the high-speed train to stay for two nights every two weeks on weekends.

Of course, the reason why Xing Congjing didn't come may also be because He Tianxi is a good boy. He stopped going out to drink and race cars. an ascetic.

When friends ask him to go out to play, he doesn't go. He doesn't think it's interesting, life is very boring, and the matter of being alive suddenly becomes very boring.

At the age of 23, he began to take sleeping pills because of long-term insomnia. In November of that year, at the right time, he sat by the window of his house and stuffed sleeping pills into his mouth one by one. After eating, he called Xing Congjing.

Xing Congjing didn't answer the first call, the second didn't answer, and the third one answered, still a little impatient in his voice: "What's the matter?"

He Tianxi was breathing heavily, and he said, "Help me."

Xing Congjing seemed to be stunned: "What's wrong?"

He Tianxi said: "I couldn't sleep, I accidentally took a lot of sleeping pills just now."

Xing Congjing seemed to be suffocating: "How much did you eat? When did you eat it?"

He Tianxi hung up the phone, staring at the pale face in the window glass, thinking of what Xing Congjing said to himself when he dragged himself to hell that year.

——"Don't make noise, I'm not happy, I'm going to drag others to hell."

He Tianxi was thinking drowsily—well, I'm not happy either, and I'm going to drag others to hell with me. None of us should think about it, let alone live or die.

Before he lost consciousness, he seemed to see Xing Congjing again. When he was 13 years old, he was standing under the stairs, only four or five steps away from him, and his eyes were watching him very seriously.

After he woke up, it didn't take long for Xing Congjing to move in with him. He was no longer afraid of Xing Congjing. Taking his own life as a threat, he bossed Xing Congjing around from the commanding heights.

Let Xing Congjing know from all aspects, because what Xing Congjing did to him made him collapse, distort himself, make him live like a ghost, and there is no cure for medicine or stone.

He tortured Xing Congjing, and Xing Congjing tortured him.

This is perfect.

Every time He Tianxi quarreled with Xing Congjing and watched Xing Congjing leave home frowning, she would think so.

Anyway, not far away.I hate him, he owes me.

He thinks so every time.

What do human beings think before they die.

Is it about the marquee of more than 20 years of my life, is it the happiest moment in my life, or is it the person I hate so much in this life, is it regret or relief?

For He Tianxi, death may be an accident brought on by dazed panic, or it may be a vicious curse on the living when hatred is overwhelming.

It is a meaningless life, and it has found an end that is not very meaningful.

In November, Crane City was cold and humid, and it rained continuously for three or four days. At night, He Tianxi looked out of the window and felt as if he saw the whole city turned into a huge coffin that was slowly closing.

When he just moved back, He Jialin stayed at his house for a few days, helping him clean up the mess in the house, packing into the study where Xing Congjing stayed all day, digging out some waste paper and garbage, and finally digging out a medical examination from inside Report.

The physical examination report was in July, not many days before Xing Congjing's accident, and it was marked that Xing Congjing's physical indicators were very healthy.

Xing Congjing is very healthy.

He should live to be a hundred years old.

He Jialin took the medical examination report and teased him casually pretending to be relaxed. He took the medical examination report and read it carefully for a while, then followed suit.

Xing Congjing is so healthy, why can't he live long.

How He Tianxi's third near-death experience came about, he himself can't remember clearly.

His impression was clearly still that he was sitting alone on the sofa in the living room, staring at the physical examination report left by Xing Congjing and seriously thinking about why this person left a physical examination report in the study.

He Jialin said that his study was clean, so why was there a medical report.

When he came back to his senses, he suddenly felt dizzy, as if the huge coffin had slammed him directly into the grave, the world became pitch black, and it became difficult to breathe.

He was clearly unconscious, but he clearly saw the scene when he and Xing Congjing met for the first time. He walked down, and Xing Congjing looked up at him. He arrogantly asked Xing Congjing, "Where are you from?" , Xing Congjing didn't respond, he went downstairs with an unhappy face, and when he passed by Xing Congjing, he asked the other party to "get out of the way, you are blocking me".

Xing Congjing took two steps back and said "I'm sorry" to him.

"sorry."

--sorry.

What can a person see before dying, and what would he want to see?

Is it the moment when he came out of his mother's body when he was just born, was it the person he saw for the first time when he was in love in his teens, his lover at 20, his legal partner at 30, his parents' funeral at 60, or the person at 80? The person who shared your bed with you for many years when you were young.

How many moments in life, how many people to meet, how many people to remember, how many people to remember before death, how many times to let people still feel unwilling and have extravagant hopes before dying.

He Tianxi's longings and extravagant hopes for 11 years, in the continuous rainy days of Hecheng, were finally covered like a coffin, like dust settled.

Just a "sorry".

A sentence of "I'm sorry" from Xing Congjing.

What is the meaning of a hundred years of human life, and what is the difference between it and snakes, insects, ants and beasts.

Life is but a few moments.