through those heavy years

To say that according to my previous personality, I didn't wait for a second to serve him with my fist.Considering the commutation of the sentence, patience is indispensable, but my refusal is still simple and straightforward, which involves issues of human nature.Of course, it’s not so easy to refuse in a place like a prison. They always have a group of like-minded people who often see that I don’t agree, and without delay will force me to a corner of the toilet, where the prison guards can’t see, and beat me severely.After the beating, if you don’t fight back, you will be fine next time. If you fight back, you will be unrelenting. The direct consequence is that you, like them, will not be able to reduce your sentence.

Of course, having said that, I am not a noble person.It was the time when I was young and had more sexual needs than anyone else.So sometimes I will agree, but the object of the promise is definitely not the kind of unreasonable and unreasonable person who disgusts me.My promise is not a decision I made when I was dazzled by my own yearning. I personally chose it.Of course, I also said that I am not a casual person, but I did not say that I am not an emotional person.

It was a person who looked exactly like Luo Feng, with a bit of shyness, a true homosexual, and never a pussy.I don't know why, but I can't accept the pussy.It makes me feel weird if a guy has feminine expressive traits.Of course, everyone's psychological preferences are different, and it's not something I can discuss casually.It's just that for myself, I'm gay, but deep down I'd love to be a man.If I were to change my gender, it would be worse than death.

His name is Liu Mengyang, 26 years old, economic offender, sentenced to eight years in prison, arrived in prison one year later than me, and lived in the same cell as me.He is as quiet as me, and his mentality about going to jail is not as bad as Jiang Haoran.When I first came here, I shed a few tears, but after being comforted by my family, I gradually accepted the facts, and even felt somewhat at ease with life in the prison.

We haven't spoken a word in half a year.People are like this, people who are very disgusted can speak and communicate quickly; people who have feelings in their hearts seem to have a gap that is difficult to bridge (at least in my opinion).

I'm gay and have always been sensitive to that wistful look.Several times when I returned to the cell, I found Liu Mengyang sitting on my bed as if nothing had happened.I looked at him with puzzled eyes, he seemed to wake up immediately, pretended to be tired and confused, said he was sorry, and sat on the wrong bed.After encountering this situation several times, I spoke up once.He felt very pleasantly surprised, so he began to talk to me about something similar to self-introduction.He took out his instant noodles and shared them with me. His family remits some money to his account card every month. He is a rich man in the prison, so he has not been treated unfairly. .

He was very excited and talked to me a lot.He committed economic crimes because he was framed by others. When he told the story of being framed by others, he danced with indignation and tears were about to flow, and the person he mentioned hated him even more.I don't know how long we talked, or simply put, how long he was angry alone.In short, the previous content is just a foreshadowing. After our second day, he made a request to me in that regard, and I agreed without thinking about it.

We have done it many times in some hidden places.He said I was his first man and hoped never to be separated.But I can't lift my spirits every time I finish working.Maybe he will have sex with him, which is itself an unclear mystery.Maybe I look like Luo Feng, maybe I was originally gay.But anyway, having a relationship without feeling it is an unpleasant bad move for me to break the peace and be condemned.This feeling made me hate myself several times.I used to think that I was noble, but in fact I was a self-righteous hooligan, just as self-righteous as those self-righteous adults I hated.I found that it is better for people like me to tell a joke than to talk about principles. They were all deceitful before.

Of course, same-sex affairs, in a place like a prison, no matter how well concealed they are, they will still be discovered.

I was called to lecture several times, but luckily I can meet good prison guards in the prison.He was the first person who laughed when I first got a haircut in prison—after Jiang Haoran died, he was newly transferred to supervise a small captain in our brigade.

He has a kind face and made mistakes with prisoners. He is not the kind of domineering prison guard who starts punishment regardless of 21.He will ask us the real situation, and then do the investigation based on the facts.A few times I didn't want to lie to him, so I simply admitted the facts, and he looked at me in silence for a while.After a long time, he said that sexual needs are natural, but I thought you were different.Since there is, let's hide it a bit so that no one will find out.Afterwards, he transferred Liu Mengyang to a remote cell and did not punish me in any way.I'm not at all sad about Liu Mengyang's departure. On the contrary, I'm a little lucky that it won't be so unbalanced in the future.

Liu Mengyang always looks for opportunities to pass various small notes with me.But in the case of seeing me for a long time and not responding, let it go.Then he seemed to have a new gay lover, and we just ended a relationship that didn't know the words to describe it.

After the sentence was commuted, only Lao Li in the cell congratulated me sincerely.I smiled and expressed my thanks to him.He fell into deep thought.I only found out later that he had given up his application for parole and would rather die of old age in prison.As he said, the prison is his life, leaving the prison, his life is over.And it's hard for me to understand such feelings.

Life in prison is not all about labor. Sometimes when you have time at night, or during holidays, you can watch TV in the cell, play cards and other entertainment activities (of course, you need to register before you can participate in these activities).I usually read some books and write a diary.Reading is what I learned from Luo Feng, and writing a diary is something that I seem to think is meaningful when I do it, so I stick to it unconsciously.

I love to read Wang Xiaobo's books, but unfortunately there are very few of his books in the prison library.I wandered aimlessly in the sea of ​​books, and finally decided to read some famous Chinese and foreign novels.I looked directly from the left to the right in the prison library, and I got the impression that prison life is not for nothing.

Later, I also found that I like to read books with sad endings. It seems that every time I feel melancholy and entangled, it can disperse the depression in my heart, resonate with certain aspects, and reach another realm of enjoyment.I found a strange thing about me recently, which is that it is difficult to get out of living in the story, and when I get out, I am still inside the city wall I built, with a lot of whirling.Maybe homosexuals have a sentimental side.

In my many repeated prison lives, the squad leader who was the first to laugh out loud can always find me in many similar places.He found me to discuss commutation of sentence with me.I was always asked by him to go to a very hidden place where he could do the negotiation, and then I came out disheveled.I just want to say that I am grateful to him for his love and help. With the cooperation of both of us, I successfully commuted my sentence for another year.If others want to ask, I can say that Wang Xiaodong lived in prison for less than four and a half years, and he proudly commuted his sentence for one and a half years.

When the day when I was about to be released from prison, I entered a state of being at a loss. The contradictions in thinking and the mixing of consciousness made my face look tense every day.I was wondering if I could still adapt to the outside world after I went out. I never seemed to have adapted to it, and am I even more unfamiliar now.Thinking about whether grandma is okay, should I run to her as soon as I get out of prison, weeping in repentance, and vent all kinds of missing feelings!But would grandma want to see me? Six years have passed in a flash. She is old, changed, and heartbroken. Is she really okay?

On the day I was released from prison, the first prison guard who laughed out loud opened the iron gate of the prison and sent me out.With a kind face, he smiled and said, after going out, be a good person.If you need help, you can call him, if you are still in this city.And... He hesitated to speak, but finally smiled.

I nodded and said thank you.Take a step out into the world outside.It was the weather in June at this time, and the sun was not very strong, but I was used to staying in the dark for a long time, and I felt that the sun was too bright for a while.

Lao Li said, go straight ahead and never look back.Then you will never come back to this place again, and the road ahead will be smooth.

I don't believe in superstition, but I like this sentence of Lao Li.I don't look back, I walk forward along the road.I don't know where to go, just go.

Standing on a sidewalk full of people, listening to hip-hop and rap songs from some shop, it took me a long time to realize that they were indeed singing in Chinese.Looking at the viaduct across the city, to the strange buildings rising from the ground; from the dazzling array of furnishings in commodity stores, to the entertainment venues all over the street; there are also cars, mobile phones, home appliances, people's food Dressing up undoubtedly shows the advent and progress of a new era.I was still thinking about how impoverished my life was when I was a child. A piece of clothing was mended after being worn, and worn again after mending, and meat was only eaten when there was a happy event during the festival. It was precious and not easy.Now at a glance, the price of a piece of clothing can be thousands or even tens of thousands, and chicken, duck, fish, and even seafood and game are overwhelming every day.I took in the air of the new era, and looked around helplessly by surprise. The outside world was colorful, and the footsteps of the new era were racing with the wind, and a sense of powerlessness spread quietly.

I had nowhere to hide, like a poor green caterpillar that missed the forest and came to a desert that didn't belong to me.I reorganize some information about myself.He had just been released from prison, and he was wearing clothes from four years ago, a sky blue long-sleeved round-neck nylon shirt on his upper body, and navy blue winter denim flared pants.Standing at the glass door of the clothing store, the inside reflected my old-looking image with a cloth bag on my back and a cropped haircut.Many people in fashionable clothes passed by, and they couldn't help but let out a sneer.