through those heavy years

I don't know how much effort I can make. I want to try my best to maintain a kind of peace and comfort when we get along with each other in the days to come.I will get up half an hour early to prepare breakfast and Chinese food for Zuo Wanyu.When I come back at night, I must cook some soup, stir-fry some nutritious side dishes, and watch her eat.

She can still speak a lot of words in my ears, her words are like stars in the sky, and I can't count them all.I will listen quietly.She talks and I listen, and I think it's a very neutral thing.

She said: "Xiaodong, do you know that Xiaowen came to look for me during the day. I never told my sisters where I live, but I accidentally mentioned it to Xiaowen. The specific location is different." I remember if I described it in detail, and I wasn’t sure if Xiaowen was listening carefully, but I didn’t expect her to be able to find this place.”

She said: "Xiaowen was very worried this time, and she burst into tears when she saw me. I know she regards me as the only friend she can make friends with in this strange city, so I try my best to calm her down, hoping to let her She felt better. But after she cried, she didn’t confide in any sad words, she just asked to borrow money. She also said that it was embarrassing to borrow from me again after failing to pay off the money last time. I was also embarrassed, no Because the last time the money was not paid off, but I was pregnant and had a baby. Many places need money, and I have no extra money to lend her. So I can only helplessly watch her infest the sadness. The back figure walked down the stairs with deep disappointment.

"Xiaodong, do you know that Xiaowen's tears are really painful to watch, and it hurts. I can't wait to rob the bank immediately, and then tell her that I have money and I can lend it to her. Xiaodong, the money is really It is very important, and it can lead people living in this world to a completely different destiny!"

yes!I immediately fell into sadness.For tuition fees, grandma did not shy away from kneeling for her son and daughter-in-law, and even dragged her aching legs more than ten kilometers to beg; Yegan, even if his body was about to fail, he still persisted, and eventually died young.Money scares me.

I said, "If you have money, lend it to her. I have the money to have a baby!"

Zuo Wanyu said dissatisfiedly: "Really, but I still can't feel enough sense of security from you, I still need to save some money just in case."

Her eyes were wide open, looking at me expectantly.I knew what she meant, she brought me into this topic more than once, but each time I didn't dare to give any response.

"Do you still have any scruples?" She was going to open this thread today.

Maybe my uneasiness comes from this.Can a homosexual accept a heterosexual marriage?Two people can get along together and live a good life; but if they become husband and wife, they will live together for the rest of their lives.Although it seems to be understandable, but after deep investigation, can the hurdle in my heart be overcome!Besides, I didn't have the courage to tell her that I was gay.Because I know that this will hurt our children and the current harmonious life.I can only choose to be silent cowardly, shamelessly, and sinfully.This becomes the ultimate barrier.

"Okay!" Her talk would eventually fall through the cracks.She didn't slam the door out, and lay on the bed rationally playing with her mobile phone.But she didn't say a word all night, and the two were deadlocked.In the past, when we had quarrels, she would go to her own room. Now that we get along like this, I feel the atmosphere is low and depressed, and I don't know what to do.

I don't have a mobile phone, so I can only take out a pen to write in my diary.What to write, I don't want to be sad, so I want to write something that can inspire people.

I'm going to be a dad!I wrote this in my diary.Maybe many people don't understand why a person who is as cold-hearted as I feel ecstatic because he is going to be a father, it seems that the dream he has pursued all his life is finally coming true.I don't know either. When I think of a little life coming, who has half the blood with me, I am very happy, and the blood in my whole body is boiling.

For the next few days, after eating in silence, Zuo Wanyu played with her mobile phone while I wrote in my diary.I want to write a diary every day to record the mood of preparing to be a father, and even use this to expel all the haze and unhappiness.

One day, Zuo Wanyu couldn't bear it anymore, so she said loudly to me: "Hey, if I don't talk to you for nearly a hundred days, wouldn't you speak a word to me first?"

I looked at her sideways, and her words made me feel suddenly uncomfortable.

"I never thought you would be so cold!" She cried out aggrieved.I didn't know that my bad words would break her heart.I stood by and watched her, she cried for a long time, and finally seemed to be tired from crying.I tore off some toilet paper to wipe her tears.Her entire body was convulsing, and she had recently become emaciated due to psychological suffering, and her skin was dark yellow.Her legs were numb when she got up, so I helped her up.She shook off my hand without even looking at me, and lay down on the bed.

What are you talking about?I really don't know what to say.She has been talking for a hundred days. If she doesn't talk, the atmosphere will become awkward.And I'm used to her nagging in my ear, and I think it's a good thing to complement each other like this.

I tried to speak, but I searched for words and found no suitable words. I could only say: "I don't know what to say, and I can't comfort people!"

She suddenly said angrily: "Do I want your comfort? What I want is a little enthusiasm. You can grin at this diary that doesn't speak, but keep a rigid face all day long at me, a living person! My request is not high, since I can't take actual actions, at least let me feel a little interaction, maybe I won't be so suspicious."

After she finished speaking, she suddenly sneered and said, "That's right, what can you have in common with a bastard. If you dislike me as a bastard, just leave. You don't have to be cold-hearted to me."

She also involved the words "I don't speak" and "□□".My reticence is completely incomparable with sex.I don't know how many times I have to say no in front of her before she will believe it.In this case, I am also a little angry, so let's not talk about it.

"You don't talk anymore. After all, you dislike me. Then you go, why don't you go! Oh, I see. You want us to leave by ourselves. In this way, you won't feel guilty in your heart and say to others Needless to say, it was you who abandoned our mother and son. Our mother and son left voluntarily!" After a few minutes of cold confrontation, she became more emotional and cranky.

She sobbed and said, "I'm too naive and too casual. I tried to date a child for three months with someone I've known for less than a hundred days. How long is a lifetime? How long is it?" Is there anyone who is really worth relying on, let alone a jerk!" After finishing speaking, she got up unsteadily from the bed, and still wanted to go back to her room.

My heart was disturbed by such words.Do I look like someone who will definitely abandon others?I was very tired of getting along like this.There is always a gap between two people, and there is a psychological grudge.Maybe only when you are alone, your thoughts will not be so sharp.Life, life, is it always called life if you have to make a fool of yourself?

Later, for more than half a month, Zuo Wanyu did not come out of the room.I will prepare meals as always and bring them to her door.Sometimes she would take two bites, and sometimes she wouldn't move.

I don't think she was angry because of me and had conflicts, she was really making trouble with herself.As long as she let go of her own identity, when can she truly be happy.And I will be honest with her one day.

"Come with me to the hospital!" Seventeen days later, she came out of the room with a sallow complexion, a haggard look, a pale voice, and her skin was hot and hot to the touch.

I was startled, and quickly picked her up and took her to the hospital.She has been pregnant for almost four months, and her belly is slightly swollen.At this time, my arms were tightly wrapped around my neck, and I was in a half-conscious state, talking intermittently.

"I won't have conflicts with you anymore, and I don't care whether you dislike it or not, as long as you don't leave, I will live with you."

"it is good!"

"But if you really dislike it, it's still the same sentence. When you leave, tell our mother and son!"

"No, I won't dislike it!"

"A man's words are like fragile bubbles!" She still couldn't feel at ease, and I was a little disgusted that she didn't care about her body and the baby in her belly just to get angry, why didn't she tell me earlier when she had a fever and a cold.Her heart was so determined.

"My words are not!" I tried to answer her.

"Then do you like me?" She fixed her eyes on me tightly, as if all the strength in her body had been used.

Do you like it? Do you like it? !God, at this time, facing Zuo Wanyu, since I couldn't say deceitful words, my response was still silence.She closed her eyes and made a sneer sound.

Arrived at the hospital.The doctor said that if the delivery was delayed, it would be one dead body and two lives.Fortunately, the intravenous drip was delivered in time, and the children and adults were safe and sound.

Sitting beside her dejectedly, he felt almost devouring fear.The white sheets, white quilts, white walls, and even white curtains in the hospital once again made me unable to face it.I got up and sat on the chair in the corridor, not daring to go too far.Facing the ward, looking up, you can see Zuo Wanyu lying peacefully on the bed and sleeping.

The doctor said, how can you be a husband.They are all sick like this, and they are not discovered in time.If your wife and children are gone, you will be happy!

This reminds me that I have done too much.I thought about it for a long time. She was pregnant with my child, and taking care of her couldn't just stop at cooking.Zuo Wanyu herself is an extremely insecure person, and she can't let go of her identity as a prostitute, so naturally she can't bear the slightest indifference from the man she bet her life on.Maybe we should not worry about our true self and give her and the child a sense of stability.We also need to change our image and stop being so cold-faced.Isn't a happy and normal family full of laughter and laughter everywhere?Perhaps, we should pretend to like it.Perhaps, it is time to truly live a life before letting go.

On the day she was discharged from the hospital, Zuo Wanyu said she could leave by herself, but I didn't agree, so I picked her up and went downstairs, then took a taxi back.

In the car, trying to find something to say.But he was used to being silent, and finding a topic was not an easy task in a short period of time.

Zuo Wanyu never opened her mouth either, she has been silent since the day she was hospitalized.She seemed to be trapped in her own thoughts and could not escape.Maybe it was completely pessimistic and disappointed in love. A man who wanted to spend his whole life with her couldn't even say the words he liked.She was so calm, calm is called an overreaction for someone who is always on the go.So, I was a little flustered, just like inexplicable intuition and uneasiness that something bad would happen if I saw white in the hospital.