living guilt

1.

Even credit card bills are not sent by registered mail these days, how stupid the person who can do this kind of operation must be.The mailbox at Shu Can's door was used for garden decoration. It rained for a few days, and when the gardener picked it up, almost all the contents were soaked.The workers didn't dare to throw it away as garbage. After a few days of air drying and putting it on Shu Can's table, they could barely read two words: Shi Chen.

Everyone with the surname Shi made Shu Can irritated, but no one could compare to Shi Chen, he was always the most outstanding representative.

It doesn't matter what the letter says, it's rotten anyway, Shu Can took out the photo inside, looked at it for a few seconds and put it in the drawer, now, looking at that face again, the intense heartache still makes him uncomfortable extreme.

He was not very willing to distinguish between Shi Yun and Shi Chen before, but now it's up to him whether he wants to or not.

Shi Yun is dead, but Shi Chen is alive.

2.

"Hey! What are you doing?! Why are you resting at this hour! Didn't you see the ship entering the port!"

Hong Er's windproof leather hat was so old that the poor-quality cotton inside was cracked, he chewed his cigarette butt, and yelled at the pier not far away, the man put the half-drunk mineral water bottle on the stone embankment, I took a few steps toward the pier, then turned back and picked up the bottle and stuffed it into my pants pocket inside the gelcoat.

The gel coat can keep you warm, and Shi Chen didn't bring anything with him when he left, no clothes, no money.

In November, the swimming crabs are fished up by boats and unloaded from the port, and they will not be in the local area for an hour at most. The swimming crabs leave much more readily than him.

Shi Chen didn't want to talk at all, so it's fine to say that he's in a bad mood, or that he hasn't let go of his airs of young master yet.

He had no money. Before leaving N City, all the accounts of everyone in the family were suspended. He didn't get home until the door was sealed. He was allowed to bring out very few things. Used ones, which ones are my own, I simply didn't bring anything.

He didn't know what money was before, but now that he doesn't have money, he can't even buy a band-aid.

Chinese cabbage and boiled fat meat were fried together into a big pot, and everyone shared a foam box of rice. A large group of people smelling like fish squatted around the pot, and Shi Chen was not much better. , He is a person who hates eating fish very much. The knife that cuts the fish and the pot that burns the fish do not allow servants to continue cooking for him.

But at this moment, with fish scales stuck to the back of his hands, he was squatting among a group of people full of yellow teeth, pouring rice into his mouth without changing his face. He was not qualified to study how much saliva was in the pot. He only knew that if he didn't eat, he would die.

Before everyone finished their meal, another boat of fish and crabs entered the port. Shi Chen reached out and pressed his stomach through the gel coat, and walked towards the pier reflexively.

This is his ninth day working on the docks.

This is the closest port to N City. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be farther away from Shu Can, but that all his assets are only 62 yuan, which is not enough to buy air tickets, not enough to buy train tickets. This is already the farthest 62 yuan can go. The place.

It costs 150 yuan a day to move fish at Heqiao Wharf.It is enough to sleep in a single room with a bathroom in the cheapest hotel on the wharf, but you can’t eat dinner. The cheapest dinner is 12 yuan, which Shichen can’t afford.

Even the white shirt inside him has been worn for many days in a row. These days, he knows that there is a town street in the north of the pier that sells groceries. Someone said he wanted to buy his mobile phone. When someone brought the money, he successfully took the mobile phone After disposing of it, you should be able to buy two cotton coats against winter, so you won't be unbearable.

He turned on the TV in the noise without sound insulation, and the news personnel in suits and leather shoes on the TV looked like his father, the father who hanged himself on the Zijin Mountain.The steady voice on the TV could not put him to sleep, nor could it make him cry.

This is Shi Chen's 21 years old. Shi's family was turned upside down overnight. He lost his parents within two days. His brother died in a car accident because he left school without authorization and was in a hurry to find him.

It's been half a month.

He always curled himself up in such a late night, he didn't see the last side of Shi Yun, he didn't know whether it was because Shi Yun was killed or it was just an accident, and he didn't know whether his father was protecting them or protecting others, The same is true for his mother. People who are in politics have indeed been in politics all their lives.

Shi Chen didn't love them, at this stage, he just hated them.

"What are you doing?" Shu Can raised his head from the rice bowl, Bai Qingyuan kicked him under the table, Shu Tingan sat in the living room after eating, as if waiting for Shu Can, Bai Qingyuan wanted to tell him to eat quickly, so that he could let him go Uncle went upstairs.

His whole face was about to wrinkle together, and he whispered, "Uncle found out that you went to the funeral, and I'm waiting to clean you up."

Shu Can was very impatient, "Uneasy."

"You don't live in peace. I've locked you up for so many days and people are gone. What are you going to do?"

Shu Can ignored him, he dropped the bowl and took another sip of soup.

At the dinner table, Shu Tingan kept his face on his face, not to mention Bai Qingyuan, even he had no intention of eating.

"Dad, is something wrong?"

Shu Can sat down on the sofa and poured a cup of cold tea for herself in the tiny purple sand teacup. He is not involved in politics or business. He is a very serious doctor and stays away from the current situation. He is very satisfied.

Shu Tingan frowned, as if it was difficult to speak, but he still asked, "Did you send Shi Yun off a few days ago?"

Shu Can leaned her head on the back of the sofa, and snorted, "Is there anything wrong with my funeral for my boyfriend?"

"Bastard! You think I'm not letting you go out to tease you!! Let you out and you go out to find trouble?!"

Shu Can looked at his father's stern face and thought it was funny. "I mean it, Dad."

Shu Tingan always thought that Shu Can was trying to annoy him, so he calmed down for a while, then turned his head to look at the hall, Bai Qingyuan sneered, "Uncle, your voice is too loud, the aunt who cooks will be scared."

He ignored Bai Qingyuan and pointed at Shu Can, "Whether it's your classmate or boyfriend, don't talk about the dead ones, and you are not allowed to have any contact with his family members, or you will get out of here."

"Get out? Like my mother?" Shu Can also stood up. He was much taller than Shu Ting'an, and his momentum was not bad. He took off the gentleness of the white coat, and his stubborn and disdainful eyes were very unruly. Shu Tingan's self-cultivation couldn't help but slap him heavily.

The slap was so heavy that the sound frightened Bai Qingyuan for a few seconds.Shu Ting'an looked at Shu Can with hatred and hatred, his eyes were full of anger, he was so angry that he couldn't speak, but for the sake of that bit of decency, he gritted his teeth in his cold lips.Bai Qingyuan quickly came over to support Shu Tingan, "Uncle, uncle...you have something to say, uncle..."

Shu Tingan pushed him away, strode out of the living room, and laughed at Shu Can, who turned his head. He rubbed the corner of his mouth with his index finger, his eyes remained unchanged, and his tone was light, "Isn't this resolved?"

"elder brother..."

"Speak up if you have something to say." Shu Can opened the car door and got in. He was in a bad mood. He was on the night shift last night. If Bai Qingyuan hadn't pulled him over for dinner, he would still be sleeping at home.

Compared with his uncle, Bai Qingyuan felt that his cousin was more difficult to get along with. Shu Can got impatient with his hesitation, and looked up at him before starting the car. In a hurry, Bai Qingyuan grabbed his car window " Brother...Brother Brother..."

"You do me a favor..."

"I'm sorry bro...I didn't mean to make you sad...but can you contact Shichen...this person is missing."

Bai Qingyuan would try his best to persuade Shu Can to come back for a meal, not only because his uncle who hadn't been home for thousands of years rarely came home, but because Shi Chen had disappeared.

When Shi Yun and Shu Can were together, they brought Shi Chen over for dinner. The city said they were not old, they were about the same age, and they had a little family background. They were basically classmates, unlike Shi Yun and Shu Can who were connected in high school. In college, Bai Qingyuan and Shi Chen were just classmates in elementary school. After getting acquainted with each other a little bit, Bai Qingyuan discovered that Shi Chen was very good at playing games. He played games with him many times, and the two of them were familiar with each other. When something happened to Shi's family, Bai Qingyuan also paid attention to it, so Shi Chen was gone, he knew about it earlier than Shu Can.

Sure enough, Shu Can frowned. He thought of the rotten letter, and felt agitated, but he didn't drive the car away immediately, but asked, "What are you doing with this business?"

"He's my friend!"

Shu Can sneered and drove the car away.

He opened the car window all the way, took out a cigarette from the car, and lit it in the winter wind after several "clicks".

Bai Qingyuan and Shi Chen can't be friends, Bai Qingyuan is a silly and naive college student, a simple idiot.Shi Chen was different, Shi Chen knew that Shi Yun had a relationship with him in high school, so Shi Chen chose to sleep with him in high school.He wants to grab a shot at everything and learn everything.Shu Can admits that he is a scum, he is in love with Shi Yun, but he can't be loyal to him, he didn't think it was such a big crime, as a man, this is his nature.He condoned Shi Chen's unbalanced mentality and encouraged him to covet Shi Yun, so he occasionally wanted to snatch his attention or favor from Shi Yun, as long as it wasn't too much, Shu Can didn't care.

But Shi Chen took Shi Yun's life away.

What does life represent? It represents a lifetime, a lifetime of living.That was Shi Yun's life, and it was also his future life.In Shu Can's life, there is only Time Yun.

What is Shi Chen?

6.

When Shi Chen slept until midnight, he felt abdominal pain.Maybe it was because he was too tired. He felt drowsy and hurt for a while and then fell asleep quickly. When he woke up in the morning, he found a small blood stain on the pillow. Recently, he often rents a room in the hotel. He has never been active in this matter. He has done all the hygiene he can do, but he is still afraid of being found out and dirtying the pillow, so he hastened to wash the pillow area as soon as he woke up.

He has been hungry for a long time and his blood pressure is low. Holding the edge of the cold and pale sink, he looked up after a while and found that his face was also pale. He looked into his own eyes too much, and it was easy to think of the daily salvage, but he had already suffocated to death in the net. dead fish.

His fingers were frozen like carrots, and he was far from being able to play the piano, but he should not be able to touch them in the future.

In the past two days, the northern bay has been cooling down for several days in a row, and it hasn't started snowing yet, but the sky is always gray.The person who promised to buy his mobile phone never brought any money to buy it, Shi Chen didn't count on him anymore, and he would freeze to death any longer.

He walked to the town, and the first thing he did after selling his mobile phone was to buy steamed buns, and he didn’t feel full after eating four. He sat on the dilapidated minibus platform in the town, which was the only place with chairs, When he seriously ate the seventh, he thought it was raining.

But it didn't.

7.

Shu Can raises a garden of roses, all imported green roses, I don’t know the name, when they bloom, they have no fragrance, they can only be opened into the shape of a wine glass, very dignified, Shi Yun has always liked it, Shu Can A lot of money has been spent to hire someone to take care of it, and the only condition is that it must not die.

The flowers were going to spend the winter, so the workers came here this day and cut off all the green branches. After trimming the lawn, they sent Shu Can a key, saying it was in the mailbox.

Shu Can looked at the familiar key and threw it into the trash can.

He never brought Shi Chen back here, but Shi Chen was still able to put the key here. The key was the place where he went to bed with Shi Chen. It would not be taken away by the court, and it would allow him to live there for a long time. After that, he never thought about asking Shi Chen to return it.

During this period, Bai Qingyuan quarreled with him twice.

The phone said that Shi Chen hadn't been there since he left school that day, that Shi Chen's home was sealed off, and his phone was shut down.During the day, Shu Can had a gallbladder resection operation. The patient was too fat. Shu Can underestimated the girl's fat thickness. The time was delayed by 10 to 5 minutes, and she woke up [-] minutes earlier from the anesthesia. She woke up almost as soon as she got off the operating table. , Crying in pain, the anesthesiologist was called for training, and Shu Can did not escape.On the way home, he was distraught, so he turned the car halfway across the city by a strange coincidence.

Shi Chen's key was thrown away by Shu Can. Shu Can didn't need the key, and Shi Chen put it under the big potted plant at the door.

Standing at the door, Shu Can smoked half a cigarette, and extinguished it in the potted plant. The potted plant was half dead anyway, and I don't know if it was dry or frozen.

In this house, Shu Can has very few things, almost none, and Shi Chen doesn’t have many, it’s almost a place where the sun is shining. There are two pairs of slippers, one pair of blue and one pair of pink, but Shi Chen doesn’t like pink, so pink is Shu Can’s favorite. .

He no longer needs to change shoes.

All the furniture in the room was covered with a tablecloth, and there was already invisible dust on the cloth, but the refrigerator might have forgotten to turn off the power, and there were still two cartons of milk and half a bag of expired bread in it.

He thought that Shi Chen had indeed left, but Shu Can frowned, he closed the door, and went home peacefully all the way, he thought he didn't think too much, but when he fell asleep at night, he had a strange dream.

In the dream, Chen was soaking in the bathtub, the bathtub was full of milk, his face was still swollen, a little baby fat, and the deep double eyelids softened into a thin piece of skin, covering his extremely beautiful face. His eyes looked like Shi Yun when he fell asleep, and Shu Can walked a few more steps, the white in the bathtub slowly turned into pink, and finally turned red a little bit.

Shu Can suddenly woke up.

"I don't want fish, can ten yuan be enough?"

On a typhoon day, with rain in between, there was nothing to do on the pier, Shi Chen had no choice but to go downstairs to buy fast food. The only thing he had to worry about every day was money, and it had to be said that it was easy.

The old lady who sells fast food is a single old woman on the pier. She is rude, fierce, and unreasonable. Her slender and curved eyebrows look very distorted on the withered and fat face that has been marinated by the sea breeze for decades. She is very powerful. Facing dozens of majestic and cowering men, he insisted on scolding others with an annoying mouth and fled.Shi Chen heard that others called her Sister Qi.

Sister Qi wore a colorless apron, squinted her eyes, and twitched her eyebrows while cooking vegetables. She took the time to smoke the cigarette for a while, and tapped the vegetable bowl with an iron spoon with the other hand.

"Are you so poor? You can't afford fish and can't you eat meat? 12 yuan is 12 yuan. If you like it, you can eat it or not."

But there is no meat today, it should be due to the typhoon, Shi Chen pointed to the steamed egg, "Can I change this?"

Sister Qi impatiently scooped a spoonful into the foam lunch box.When Shi Chen paid, she didn't even look at it, and threw it into the plastic tube. "Just give me ten yuan. You are poor. What is wrong with young people, and they can do math. What are you doing here?"

Shi Chen once taught her eight-year-old son several math problems.But he didn't say much, and returned to the hotel with his lunch box.

Shi Chen hates fish the most, but in fact, in their family, in the previous family, everyone except him liked fish.It's just that even Shichen's little trait made his mother dislike him. Shichen cooks fish every day, but Shichen still never eats it, and he can't even smell the fishy smell. But in Heqiao, it seems that no matter what he does, No matter what clothes you wear or what you eat, there is a strong fishy smell, Shi Chen seems to be buried in a pile of fish in a fishing net, and his dreams are dead fish.

The TV station said that the typhoon would blow for three days, Shi Chen bought a cotton coat and a pair of pants after selling his mobile phone.The remaining money can be used to rent a short-term house.

There are two types of houses, color steel tiles and containers.The color steel tile is more expensive, but it is a single room, and the container needs to be rented by two people, and it is rented once a year.But if Shi Chen wanted to rent the color steel tiles, then he would be a pauper if he handed over all the money.

There are several characteristic sea restaurants in the port that were transformed from old cabins. The sea pipes were banned by the urban management a few years ago. The dilapidated old cabins were left on the bank under the embankment, and there were homeless people coming in and out. Shi Chen stood on the vent and watched for a long time. For a moment, I didn't know whether to feel very funny because I also had the idea of ​​wanting to live in it, or to feel ridiculous because I couldn't help but still have some self-esteem and pride left.

The cold wave and the sea breeze blew his lips into chapped white.Shi Chen sighed softly at the dead sea, he was going to be hungry again.