four year itch

【You burn me, I burn you/trust you infinitely/doubt you all the time/I love you so much】[1]

When he received Bai Xiaoyu's call, Ye Jia had just got off work and was wandering around a nearby bookstore. He wanted to send a book to CX330, but he couldn't find the right one.

By accident, he walked to the bookshelf of Russian literature, and his eyes subconsciously lingered for two more seconds. "Selected Poems of Lermontov" was placed in the innermost place on the shelf, without outer packaging, like an old sample book, next to him was "Selected Poems of Pushkin" with a red velvet bronzing cover.I didn't think of it at first, but just by comparing it like this, it looks miserable.

When it comes to Russian literature, people are always more willing to choose Pushkin, or Leo Tolstoy, or Dostoevsky.

Ye Jia stood quietly for a while, then reached out and took down "Selected Poems of Lermontov".He turned the book to the page of "Devil", took a photo and sent it to CX330: "I found the book you mentioned in the bookstore."

Bai Xiaoyu's phone rang just like that, Bai Xiaoyu got two tickets for an underground performance from somewhere, and insisted on going with him.

After hanging up the phone, Ye Jia took the "Selected Poems of Lermontov" and walked to the cashier. The "Selected Poems of Pushkin" next to him was bought together. Ye Jia was ready to give it to CX330 one's gift.

There is no reason, probably because I thought of CX330 at the moment I saw this book.

Isn't that what it is?Because I happen to see something when I think about someone, I think it is because of that thing that I think of someone.

It's not about things, it's about people.

Ye Jia suddenly discovered that the CX330 seems to have taken up a lot of his time recently.

When Ye Jia arrived, the performance had already started for more than an hour. Bai Xiaoyu stood at the door and walked back and forth anxiously. When she saw him, she ran over with bright eyes, and while pulling him to check the tickets, she complained: : "You are so slow!"

Ye Jia changed the plastic bag containing the books to his left hand, and the staff stamped the back of his hand and put a sticker on it: "Why did you ask me to come, where is your Ren Luyao?"

"Don't mention him, the dog man who let me dove." Bai Xiaoyu said angrily.

"..."

It's nothing more than a mediocre tool man.

The venue for the performance was a small livehouse, which looked like an abandoned warehouse. Standing at the door, you could hear the heat wave coming from inside. Ye Jia followed Bai Xiaoyu through the dark and cramped corridor, and the red lights filled the venue. , the huge font on the big screen reads "Man on the Moon", which should be the name of this band.

Because the venue was relatively small and crowded with people, the atmosphere was unusually restless.Everyone surrounded the small performance stage and raised their hands with fluorescent stickers to cheer. Ye Jia raised his hand and saw the sticker on the back of his hand. It was in the shape of an Ultraman, very cute.

The lead singer is an Omega with short hair. The typhoon is great. She is holding an electric guitar while singing and interacting with the people in the audience. Ye Jia can't hear what she is singing clearly, but the atmosphere is very eye-catching.

They came too late, and they couldn't see anything from the outer circle. Bai Xiaoyu pulled him and tried to squeeze into the front row. Ye Jia had no choice but to hug the plastic bag containing the books to his chest, and followed him with his eyes closed. Forward.After all, he failed to rush to the front row, and stood in the half-embarrassed middle row, so he could see the situation on the stage clearly.

A short electronic solo brought the atmosphere to a climax. Ye Jia heard several Betas around him screaming like crazy. Of course, Bai Xiaoyu was one of them.

"Too boring!!!"

"The moon's keyboard has changed?!" Bai Xiaoyu asked the Bata girl beside him familiarly.

The girl almost yelled, "Yes!"

"What's your name?" Bai Xiaoyu yelled at him, only in this way can he ensure that the other party can hear what he said clearly.

"I don't know! Miss Jun said he's a newcomer!"

Ye Jia looked up to the stage, the keyboard player who stole the lead singer's limelight was standing in the shadows, his outline could be vaguely seen, but his face was still wearing a half mask, and under the dim light, his facial features were not visible. distinguish.

There is a piano on his left and an electronic organ on his right.With a half-turned body, his slender fingers swept across the entire keyboard, playing fierce chords.

Everyone was cheering, only Ye Jia watched calmly, of course he knew that it was Xu Ruibai on stage.

This is the second time he has watched Xu Ruibai perform on stage, the first time was at the annual meeting of W Club.Different from the otherworldly perfection at that time, the man in front of him was wearing a simple T-shirt and a slightly exaggerated mask, his whole body was full of willful brilliance.Xu Ruibai is very happy now, there is no doubt about it.

Ye Jia thought, Xu Ruibai is still suitable for such a radiant appearance, as if everyone's eyes should be on him, even if he wears the most ordinary clothes, he does not need to show his face, nor release any pheromones. He still won't drown in the crowd.

And the pale, fragile, unbearable person who asked him for help in memory should not be Xu Ruibai.

He can't save Xu Ruibai, and Xu Ruibai doesn't need him to save him.

——As long as I can live freely.

After playing a song, Xu Ruibai raised his head and saw Ye Jia in front of the stage at a glance. When his eyes met, Xu Ruibai's eyes flashed with astonishment.He couldn't help but took two steps forward, and walked out of the shadows, just like how Ye Jia couldn't help approaching the stage at the annual meeting.

They just wanted to be closer to each other.

But this time Ye Jia didn't move, passing through the noisy voice, the heavy light and shadow, they looked into each other's eyes in silence, time and space disappeared, and the eyes were full of tender background, they said silently with their eyes: haven't seen you for a long time.

All of this seems familiar, like a sharp needle point, a little emotion piercing the heart, pulling together the long-term memory, like an old TV, constantly rewinding, showing a decadent and crippled image with snowflakes, together with that year The first sight.But it was limited to this, for this second, all he could recall was the shape of the summer pond on the wall and Xu Ruibai's back stretched by the sunlight.

That was the first time he heard his own heartbeat beating like a drum, and that was the first time his heart beat without hesitation.

Slowly, Ye Jia smiled.

He no longer hated Xu Ruibai, or in other words, he never hated Xu Ruibai from the beginning.He only spoke harshly, but he had already surrendered in his heart.Such a deeply moved person, no matter what, can't hate him.

He even sincerely hoped that Xu Ruibai could be happy, in exchange for ruining his life, Xu Ruibai's happiness.

——Don’t let my life be sacrificed in vain.

Ye Jia lowered her head and said to Bai Xiaoyu beside her, "I'm going back first."

"what?"

"I said! I'll go back first!"

"Why?!" Bai Xiaoyu was puzzled, "I just came here!"

Ye Jia didn't answer, and walked towards the door with difficulty against the crowd. Bai Xiaoyu had no choice but to follow behind Ye Jia, enduring his grief.

The lead singer's voice came from the stage: "My keyboard just told me that he wants to play a song for someone special. Solotime!"

As soon as the words fell, the sound of the piano surrounded him from all directions. It was a sound that was incompatible with the warm atmosphere of the scene.There was no passionate rhythm, nor too strong emotion, but Ye Jia stopped involuntarily.

"Is this Canon?" Someone whispered beside him.

"Why do you want to play classical music in a rock venue?"

"Show off skills?"

Boos.

It's a nice tune, but even the best tune can be annoying when played in an inappropriate situation.No one likes to listen to such a soft voice at the climax of emotions, it's like being extinguished by a basin of cold water in the head to extinguish the enthusiasm of the whole body.

So this time, the piece was really played just for him alone.

The recurring scales are like the past that can no longer be retrieved, the love that cannot be retrieved, and the time that cannot be retrieved.

It is like roses on May 21st and chocolates on February [-]th, as well as Xu Ruibai's late confession and apology.

Ye Jia didn't stop, didn't look back, and kept pushing aside the crowd in front of him.

The two of them, so far, is the best ending.

When Ye Jia managed to squeeze to the outermost edge, the piano sound had stopped, and the lead singer said, "The last song tonight is "Night Breeze""

Ye Jia tore off the sticker on his hand and threw it into the trash can. He turned on the phone. The message he sent to CX330 two hours ago has not received a response.

[Blow slowly, send gently.You go on the road of life. 】

Ye Jia sent a puzzled expression: "Busy?"

【As if there is no tomorrow for the two of us, just for the two of us only in front of us】

"The gift for you is ready." Ye Jia said.

[Just as if I never left, still occupying your heart]

"Why didn't you send me your address?" Ye Jia said.

Along the way when he came, he got farther and farther away from the center of the venue step by step, and his voice became farther and farther away. In the end, Ye Jia could only vaguely hear the lead singer's gentle and hoarse voice still singing: "The you in front of me are my My favorite, how could I not understand."

After the performance, the fans dragged everyone else to take a group photo. Xu Ruibai found a remote corner and leaned half against the wall to rub his wrist, which was obviously swollen.Most people who draw cartoons have tenosynovitis, and Xu Ruibai is no exception. In the past two days, in order to cooperate with the band's performance, he has been practicing chords repeatedly, and after a whole high-intensity performance, his wrists are really too much to bear. .

"You're quite reliable, kid!" The bass player with long hair that was so soft that it could almost speak for Rejoice patted Xu Ruibai's shoulder from behind.

Xu Ruibai was caught off guard by this heavy blow, half of his body was turned away, and he was hugged by the other party before he could speak.The chain on the bassist's body made a clanging sound, and the smell of sweat mixed with the pungent pheromone made Xu Ruibai frowned, but he didn't push him away.

"Are you interested in joining our band?" he said.

Cheng Jun, who had finished signing autographs for the fans, came over, repeated his old trick, and slapped the back of Bass's head: "Fuck you! When Ronaldinho comes back, I'll see if I can cut all your strings."

The bass player let out a "beep" and obediently let go of Xu Ruibai, but he was still swearing: "He has three groups, and he is the goddamn emperor who flips cards? Today he flips this and tomorrow. Get out of here as soon as possible. "

"Okay, don't worry about it, go and put away the equipment, say hello to the boss, and get ready to go back." Cheng Jun said with a smile. Although the bass player seemed to be a difficult master, he didn't know why he was very angry. Hearing Cheng Jun's words, he turned around and left without knowing what he was muttering.

Cheng Jun took out the cigarette case and handed it to Xu Ruibai: "Smoking?"

Xu Ruibai waved his hand, Cheng Jun pressed the corner of his mouth, put the cigarette case back, lit one himself, and glanced at his swollen wrist: "The old injury has recurred?"

Xu Ruibai silently rubbed his wrist: "Yes."

"Let Ziwen get you a plaster later."

As Cheng Jun spoke, he exhaled the smoke ring and said, "Today, is that person here?"

Xu Ruibai didn't intend to speak, and was going to prevaricate with silence like the previous few times.

But this time Cheng Jun seemed to want to find out. She raised her eyebrows: "Let you draw with your left hand, let you read poems and buy roses, and let you sing as if we have no tomorrow."

"Hey, at least I helped you catch up with someone." Cheng Jun held a cigarette in his mouth, and handed over the cigarette case again, "Do you really want to smoke one?"

"Quit." Xu Ruibai explained in a low voice, "I'm not chasing him."

"what?"

"It's just that I like him. No, I should say I love him."

Saying that Xu Ruibai smiled, and bent the corners of his eyes, he has a pair of flirtatious eyes, usually looks a little bit lucky, but now it seems that there is only affection.His whole body was shrouded in a gentle halo. This was Xu Ruibai whom Cheng Jun had never seen before. He frankly exposed his emotions and clearly expressed his love.

He added: "But we won't be together anymore."

Cheng Jun chuckled, and retorted: "Then what love poems do you read to others, what paintings do you give, and what do you chat with them all day long?"

Xu Ruibai was stunned, and said: "I just want to accompany him through the most difficult time, but I will try my best not to disturb him."

If all you bring to him is harm, then you should stay away from him and look at him from a distance.

Cheng Jun didn't speak, just smoked the cigarette in his hand silently, took out a coin and threw it into the air, and asked, "Heads or tails?"

"?" Xu Ruibai showed a puzzled expression.

"One chance, choose one side." Cheng Jun urged.

"front."

"Don't make yourself so great, you just can't control yourself not to get close to him." Cheng Jun was not in a hurry to reveal the answer, she stretched out her clenched fist in front of Xu Ruibai, "You can only choose front and back Choose once, you can only choose one to love or not to love.”

Cheng Jun spread out his palms, and the metal coins gleamed coldly.

is the opposite.

Xu Ruibai made another wrong choice.

Cheng Jun put the coins away and asked: "Seeing him start to live without you, watching him hug other people, watching you gradually become the person who remains in memory. Can you do it?" ?”

Of course, no.

Only a saint can control himself not to get close to the person he loves. Neither you nor I are saints.

Ordinary people just want to be with the one they love, it's just instinct.

"If you can't go back, go forward."

This time Xu Ruibai flinched, as if no matter how brave a person is, he will become a coward who hesitates in front of love. He said: "But every time I move forward, I hurt him. I always do wrong things."

"If you hurt, you should make up for it. If you always make mistakes, you should grow up to the point where you are mature enough to meet him. Hiding in the corner and watching secretly, this is not maturity, it is not promising." Cheng Jun said in a bad tone, "It's called love only when we're together, otherwise it's all fart, understand?"

Xu Ruibai didn't answer, he seemed indifferent to Cheng Jun's words, and took out his mobile phone from his pocket.There are five new messages in total, the senders all have the same name, and the last message was an hour ago.A smile appeared on Xu Ruibai's face, almost without thinking, he quickly replied.

There is no need to answer.

Some people are like this, you can never ask him to love meekly, his love can only be expressed in violence and longing.They tried their best to restrain themselves, trying to pretend to be calm and gentle, but as long as they were not careful, they would start a fire again.

For them, peaceful love is no love, only mutual destruction in passion is love.

If it is not warm enough, how can love be unforgettable and toss and turn?

Cheng Jun was right, he just couldn't control himself not to get close to Ye Jia.

"Do you know why my band is called Man on the Moon?" Cheng Jun asked him.

"why?"

"Portuguese lunático, man on the moon, also called, madman."

Cheng Jun stood up and patted him on the shoulder, "Come to our band to play when you have time, I didn't ask you to join, the main reason is that Ronaldinho is busy."

In love, we are all crazy.

[1] Excerpted from Mu Xin's "Lyrics"