four year itch

Ye Jia closed the "Selected Poems of Lermontov" on the table and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

The devil, who was originally an angel, was demoted to the mortal world, wandering alone in the world, and did evil against his will because of the "evil" nature endowed by the kingdom of heaven.He despises all living beings and tramples on all life, but when he sees Tamara for the first time, he has the idea of ​​reconciling with the world.He tried his best to finally get his lover, but at the last moment, he was tricked by fate, the venom from his teeth was injected into his lover's body, and his lover died under his own kiss.

The lover dies, the love is disillusioned, the devil can never be redeemed, and can only endure loneliness and pain.

He originally thought that the mention of Lermontov in CX330 was just a childish show off, but after reading "The Devil", Ye Jia discovered that the story of CX330 was indeed similar to this long poem. The kernel of expression is similar.The same contradiction and despair, the same powerlessness.

Ye Jia, who read the complete poem, didn't even know for a moment whether he should condemn the devil who did evil, or criticize the "heavenly kingdom" that cursed the devil.

With mixed emotions, he began to wonder why CX330 was obsessed with drawing such a story?

The CX330 doesn't look like the dour guy in the story.

CX330 sent a message: "Acha, I'm sorry! I was just drawing and didn't look at my phone."

"What gift!" Followed by a star-eyed expression.

"You tell me the address, and you'll know when I send it to you," Ye Jia said.

CX330 was not so eager to report the address, he said: "Actually, you don't need to give it to me, you don't have to be so nervous, Acha, I give you a gift to hope you will be happy, but if you are too burdened every time, you just want to If you give me something else, then the gain outweighs the loss.”

"Well, it's okay, the days are still long, don't worry." Ye Jia said, "But now I have already bought the present."

There was a long silence on the other end, and CX330 seemed to be too sensitive about this matter.It took a while for Ye Jia to receive the address from the other party.

Seeing the familiar looking up, Ye Jia asked in surprise, "Are you also in City G?"

"Well." CX330 explained again, "But I seldom stay in City G, and I often travel on business."

Ye Jia had told CX330 his address a long time ago, and the other party didn't take the initiative to mention that he was also in G City when he knew his address, so he definitely didn't want to meet him.

It’s just that some disappointment still surged in Ye Jia’s heart. This emotion may be attributed to the enthusiasm and sincerity that CX330 has always shown, which caused Ye Jia to give the other party too high expectations. Once there is a behavior that deviates from these characteristics, there will be a sense of gap. .

In fact, this is nothing. In the online world, you can come and go at any time if you like.In fact, he just saw a small fragment of the other person's whole life, so he defined the other person privately.

Ye Jia quickly calmed down and changed the subject: "What did you draw today?"

"Drawing blindly, practice your skills. I'm so bad at drawing, I don't know when I can draw comics." CX330's tone was rather melancholy.

"Why do you have to draw?" Ye Jia suddenly wanted to know the answer, although the moment he asked, he had already guessed that it would be the same answer as "because I like it" and "because I want to draw".But he still asked involuntarily.

It's obviously an inappropriate path, even he can see how difficult this path is.

CX330 did not give the expected general answer, he said: "Because I am too cowardly."

"?"

"There are many things I can't say, so I want to write stories and draw comics. In a world where I don't exist, let my protagonist say for me those things that I couldn't say. Then let the protagonist experience those things that I didn't It is a complete experience." CX330 said.

"Maybe, one day, the person I most want to hear this story will actually hear it."

"Then is your story going to be told to your stars?" Ye Jia asked.

"Well, I just want to tell him."

At this moment, Ye Jia suddenly envied the star of CX330, there is a person who is willing to waste countless time for you, over thousands of mountains and rivers, over many dangers, meticulously constructing every detail, writing down every lingering dialogue, And these are just to tell you: These are what I want to say to you.

This is really romantic, and creation may be such a romantic thing.

Such intentions were so great that Ye Jia actually forgot that now he was the only one who heard this story.

"Acha, do you feel lonely sometimes?" CX330 suddenly asked inexplicably.

"Ah."

Not sometimes, but every moment, every moment after leaving Xu Ruibai's side.That kind of empty loneliness will come up anytime and anywhere, accompanied by the emptiness that cannot be resolved, even in the busiest street, even in the side of the most familiar friends.

"Me too." CX330 said, "Acha, didn't you feel this way when you wrote the article? When you give emotion to your protagonist, you will feel a kind of relief."

"It should have happened." Ye Jia didn't even dare to be sure.

"Every person you write is an individual separated from your emotion, and then each of your emotions has an existence that can understand you. When no one can share your loneliness, at least they can. "

"Acha, if you feel lonely, try to love writing." CX330 said.

Bai Liaoliu's light hit Ye Jia's face, he turned off the phone, and pressed his hands to his forehead, as if he was making a difficult decision.

——Do you really want to start?Once again, throw yourself into a kind of "love" that may not get a response in the end.

——This is too difficult, even if you try your best, you may not be able to do it.

——What are you afraid of?

——So many people have given up, why can they go on by themselves?

——Why don't you try to take the first step?Maybe it's better to step out...

Ye Jia turned on the computer in front of him and opened the long-abandoned document. The sound of typing was very clear in the quiet room:

[On December 2019, 12, I decided to commit suicide.

I'd take an overdose of sleeping pills on a Sunday, find a remote dump, and quietly wait for death.There is no particular reason for choosing this method, just because jumping off a building, drowning, hanging oneself, and crashing a car all sound too tragic. Real death should disappear into the air like drops of water, silently erasing all traces of existence .No one grieves for something that didn't exist. 】

After writing a short paragraph, Ye Jia got up and walked to the balcony, wanting to get some air, he wanted to smoke again.Writing a fictional story with real emotion was a little harder than he thought, harder than ever before.

The early autumn has arrived, and the coolness permeates the chest.

Without warning, Ye Jia remembered the voice of CX330. Through the electric current, it was quiet and gentle, revolving in his mind until he clearly recalled the hot cheeks at that time.

Ye Jia didn't classify this temperature as any kind of heartbeat, it was just because a stranger with a nice voice read a love poem to his ear attentively, and then he felt a little shy physically.

He walked back to the room, rummaged through the documents and found the file that was saved at that time, and then plugged in the earphones.The moment the sound passed through his eardrums, he unexpectedly calmed down strangely.

He reopened the document and wrote:

[The reason for suicide is very simple. I woke up this morning and found that my favorite keychain had run away from home. I searched all the places calmly, but still couldn't find it.

No, such a reason is too far-fetched, and it must have revealed its clues earlier.Let's move forward in time.

It's 2 o'clock in the morning, 242 hours ago, I confessed to the boy I had a crush on for 12 years, gave him flowers, gave him praise, and gave him my uneasy affection.

Then he smiled and said to me, "Thank you for your liking."

I failed, I failed in love again.

But I accepted the failure with such relief, as if it was just the way it should be.

You can never get what you like, even if you get it, you will lose it again.

A mediocre life is probably like this. God has set a time limit of 60 years, 70 years or 80 years. It ends with nothing and wastes time.

...]

Ye Jia seemed to be insane. Amidst the infinite loop of poetry reading, she tapped on the keyboard vigorously, as if she wanted to vent all the madness that had been accumulated in her chest for a long time on the blank page in front of her.He heard the voice in his heart, like a roar from a very far away place, circling in his chest, as if it was about to burst out of the shell.

——This time, I must, must, write it down.

Loneliness seems to be everywhere, so powerful that not even the lofty word love can dissolve it, but fortunately, love can make loneliness more abundant.Love, passion, hobbies...every kind of love will do.

Love it, waste your time, be desperate, like you were when you were 14.

By the time the last word was typed, it was already dawn.Dongfang was about to wake up, the crackling keyboard sound finally stopped, and only a slight breathing sound could be heard in the room.

Ye Jia fell asleep, wearing earphones, lying in front of the computer, and fell asleep easily like this.

On the dimly lit computer desktop, the cursor kept flickering, and the ending of the story was there:

【What is life? To live is to feel the clear intention of death every moment.

I might want to love more than die. 】