Nancheng, nothing old.

In the last days, when we discover that youth is a book too hasty, all the endings have already been written.The meager manpower, poorly we don't know yet, I thought we could change something?

Just like in the summer of 09, I didn't get into Beijing Normal University, but in retrospect now, I can't remember the heartache feeling at that time.

It was a sign that made me understand that if we do something wholeheartedly, it does not mean that we will succeed, even though we were so close to what we wanted.So close and so far away, so many things in the world are just one step away. For me, one of them is me and Lu Yian.

The dreary summer is over. In the summer of 2009, which belongs to us, we will gather again for the last time on the playground of this campus. The sun is very hot, the shade of the trees is far away, and the sky is so blue that we can't see a cloud when we look up.The village at dusk, the village of rain, the cloudless sky is like my eternal sorrow.This is my mood at that time.

It was the graduation ceremony after the college entrance examination. The last time we wore school uniforms on the playground and sat on the small yellow bench rented by the school. The young Zhang He was on the stage, reciting Xi Murong's "Youth" in a soft voice. Speech on behalf of the school to all senior three students.

"All endings are written

All the tears have also set off

But I suddenly forgot how it started

On that old summer day that never comes back

no matter how i try to pursue

Young you are just passing by like a shadow of a cloud

And your smiling face is very light, very light

Gradually disappearing in the group of haze after sunset

Then I opened the yellow title page

Fate bound it badly

I read it again and again with tears in my eyes

but have to admit

Youth is a book too hasty"

She said, "Say goodbye to youth, and sincerely say goodbye to your dear friends, teachers and classmates. You are about to go your separate ways like adults. This is really a helpless thing. Life is always full of regrets and parting. And surprises and reunions are ahead. I wish all the students a bright future and a reunion day."

Zhang He's voice was so sensational that the students in the audience cried together.Of course, partly for parting, mostly for anxiety.We are very uneasy about the future, afraid that we will never meet again, and even more afraid that the future will not be bright.

Li Sumian hugged me, weeping badly, tears wet the school uniform I hadn't taken off yet.I let her hold me, her hands hang down weakly, and I don't even have the strength to hug me back.

On the third day of the college entrance examination, the answers to the college entrance examination questions were published in the Provincial Evening News. Zhang He and I evaluated the scores together. At that moment, I knew that the fate was different. It told me that you have to go to the other side. Whether you want to or not, I can’t be stronger. Come on, not a word of resistance.

At that time, I hid in the room crying with the first person in my arms, shut Zhang He and his parents in the closed door, and huddled in the corner of the door. I was afraid that someone would open the door suddenly and let others see my embarrassment .Fortunately, no one knocked on my door, and no one called my name until I was crying so hard that I couldn't shed any more tears.

I slept long and dreamed long dreams.I dreamed that I went to Beijing alone with a small bag on my back, and Lu Yian with long hair came to pick me up. She grew a lot taller, and her tall body pushed aside one person after another in the crowd. Leaving behind, showing a whole smiling face.She reached out to hug me, rested her head on my shoulder, moved her mouth to my ear and said softly: "Jiang Ming, you are here." I nodded, wanting to say that your long hair is so beautiful, but found that I lost Lost ability to speak, dry and sore throat.I pushed her away and pulled my sore throat with my right hand. When I raised my head, I found that the person in front of me had become myself.I didn't have time to panic, I saw her reach into my body, fiddled with it, and pulled out my heart. I looked down at her bleeding hand, and there was a big hole in my chest, bloody and bloody, but there was nothing there. pain.The person standing in front of me held my heart in one hand and laid it flat in front of him. The face was exactly the same as mine, smiling softly and stiffly, just like the way I usually look in the mirror on purpose. She said: "Jiang Ming, your heart should be in your own hands."

She handed a ball of flesh and blood to my eyes, and the fishy smell suffocated my eyes. In such a dream, I woke up suddenly, and it was already dark.

Lu Yian called me, and I had a long talk with her that night.She said: "Jiang Ming, I don't know how to comfort people. I don't know if you need me, but I should call you now." Lu Yi'an said that she doesn't know how to comfort people, but she was the one who talked that night. I was exhausted all over, I didn't have the strength to open my mouth, and I didn't have the desire to talk.But I want to keep listening to her voice for as long as I want, don't hang up on the phone, my body will slowly heal itself.I ignored the fact that Lu Yian went to work the next day, and I pretended not to hear Chen Qinghan calling Lu Yian to sleep twice on the phone.She and I continued talking on the phone until after three o'clock in the morning, and she joked, "Jiang Ming, I will lose my voice tomorrow."

She told me a lot about her past. She said that sometimes we are lucky to get what we want, but it is destiny to not get it. Compromise is not giving up, but not wasting our short time on things that have no results life.

Everyone understands the truth, but we still have to waste our lives on many personnel matters, and more than once.

Later, I made several phone calls with Lu Yian one after another, after the college entrance examination scores came out.

My score was almost the same as the estimate. It was impossible for me to get on the first line and go to Beijing Normal University.Zhang He said that I can fill in the provincial one, but I still want to go to Beijing.In any case, I can’t go to that school, but I still want to go to that city. Maybe it has something to do with Lu Yian, but most of it is because of my persistence and reluctance this year.Under Lu Yi'an's suggestion, I lowered my budget and filled in a good school in Beijing, and I still majored in Chinese.

Let it end like this, I compromise on all the unpleasant and powerless things to change.At the graduation ceremony, when Li Sumian hugged me and cried, I didn't have the strength to hug her back.In comparison, she always seems to be worse than me.Zhao Yi finally decided on North Sports, and Li Sumian volunteered to fill in the first two schools in Beijing, and the last three were all in the southwest. We already knew what the result would be, but we still refused to give up and give it a try.

After the graduation ceremony, Li Sumian and I walked slowly on the playground. She had calmed down and stopped crying.

"If you don't go to Beijing, have you thought about what you and Zhao Yi will do in the future?"

"I haven't thought about it. Anyway, we won't break up now, and we will talk about it later."

I drove Li Sumian to my house, but she was just waiting for me downstairs, and I gave her the book "Immortal" that had not been opened for a long time.

"I've always wanted to give it to you. I brought it back from Chengdu last year for Zhao Yi, but he said he doesn't like reading at all."

Li Sumian took the book and put it under her arm, and didn't answer the question directly. She said that she was going home and asked me to accompany her for a walk.

The wind in late summer blows up her skirt, and the streets full of people are half quiet and half lively.She suddenly asked me: "Jiang Ming, do you like Teacher Lu?"

My first thought was that I should keep silent until my brain cleared up, and I found that the late explanation seemed to be a cover-up.I asked her back: "How do you know?" It was the default.

"Because...because I liked her too." Li Sumian said to me with a smile, she turned to face me with her hands behind her back in a playful and indifferent manner, but her eyes were still red.

"Then what's going on with you and Zhao Yi?" I didn't hide my surprise and asked her directly.

"I liked Teacher Lu and I like Zhao Yi now are two things that do not conflict."

"It's never my brother who likes Teacher Lu. I think I fell in love with Teacher Lu at first sight, very romantic. The first time I saw her was when I was in the first year of junior high school. At that time, our school was still a mixture of junior and senior high schools. She was in the third year of senior high school. I was playing when I passed by the basketball court that day, and the referee was counting down, and she shot a three-pointer. That’s all, I seemed to be amazed by that moment, and I started to pay attention to her inexplicably. But, I just thought she was a boy .It was a mixed race, and I thought she was a boy, so I let that feeling grow."

"Later, I saw her on the basketball court for a while, and every time I watched her silently among so many people."

"Did you never know she was a girl?"

"Who made me so innocent at that time, and besides, this matter was a secret in my heart at that time. I didn't mention it to others, and I didn't deliberately ask about it. I just thought that I liked a certain boy in the vast sea of ​​​​schools."

"Then how do you know?"

"Because Teacher Lu and my brother are classmates, I once saw my brother with her, so I asked my brother, and then I found out."

"How did you feel when you knew that the one you liked was a girl?"

"Absurd and panic. I don't want to talk about my feelings at that time. It was an unnecessary sad time, because I only liked Mr. Lu who I thought was a boy. Although I knew she was a girl, I didn't Stop this kind of liking, I keep getting all kinds of news about her from my brother, paying attention to everything about her, hearing about her past, and witnessing her legend. But as I grow older, the more I know, I know I'm straight straight, and I started dating boys in junior high, and it was mostly about her. It was a long process, and it took me a long time before I finally put the first This kind of budding towards Lu Yian has turned into worship of idols, and it is still there until now. So, from the way you look at Lu Yian, I know that you like her, which is the same as my initial liking, a girl likes a boy That kind of liking. Jiang Ming, you may be bisexual or gay, after all, I have never heard you say which boy you like?"

Are you bisexual?I don't know, to be precise, I haven't liked anyone other than Lu Yi'an.

"Su Mian, so Lu Yi'an is your first love?"

Li Sumian's face turned red suddenly, and she said angrily, "That's young and old, Mr. Lu is my idol, do you understand idols?"

"But is she still your first love?"

Li Sumian grabbed my arm and pinched my flesh, it hurt so much.

"Lin Jiangming, what I said to you today, you are not allowed to tell others, let it rot in your stomach. Otherwise, otherwise, I will tell Teacher Lu that you like her. Anyway, I have a boyfriend now. .”

"Su Mian"

I asked her seriously. "Is it wrong for me to like Lu Yi'an? I don't think I'm gay, but I seem to like her more and more, more and more. This kind of love has filled my heart. I'm so afraid that one day I can't hide it and overflow For all to see."

"Jiang Ming, in fact, there is no need to divide so many homosexuals and heterosexuals, as long as you like it. Whoever you like will not change just because of who divides it. Don't be afraid, Jiang Ming, don't be afraid, I have been needlessly afraid for a long time , But this is not our fault. I firmly believe that there is nothing wrong with this kind of love, and it is our nature to love from the heart. However, Teacher Lu has a girlfriend, and your liking will probably be a hopeless pain."

"Li Sumian, are you going to teach philosophy or biology in the future?" I joked.There is no need for her to remind Lu Yian of the fact that he has a girlfriend.

"But who knows, maybe I won't like Lu Yi'an in two days. Don't all the books say that love is just a small thing, and it only accounts for [-]% of our entire life?" The city where Lu Yian is located advances.

I'm still indulging myself, because even if it's hopeless, it's just the love I like.

Li Sumian and I, that summer, until the next few years, we just said goodbye and never saw each other again.In this city that does not belong to me, this half-bustling street.She said: "Jiang Ming, until now I have been at the same table for two years, I still feel that I am not a real friend with you. You always put on the appearance of a lively high school student, but you are deep and lonely and full of guard. Sometimes I feel powerless and can only Said that my deskmate is a special person. Shall we keep in touch in the future?"

I said, okay.

"Goodbye, Jiang Ming"

"Goodbye, Li Sumian."

We waved goodbye to each other, and I watched her go. Looking at her fading figure, I couldn't help but let out a long breath, and it was over. In this city, among my so few friends, Li Sumian, goodbye.

We have said goodbye to others many times, but she and I seldom met or contacted each other, and eventually became alienated.

The author has something to say: After graduation, Jiang Ming went to Beijing.