the name engraved in your heart

In a blink of an eye, 30 years have passed like this.

Ah Han thought many times whether he should dial the phone number in his hand.

It has been so many years since the number that is completely unfamiliar to him, does that person still remember him?

It has been 30 years, no matter how strong the emotion used to be, it has faded away, and now Ah Han actually just wants to know: Is he doing well?

Drunken noises came from the venue of the class reunion, Ah Han sat outside the door, and finally dialed the phone. The phone rang for a long time, and his heart became more and more disturbed. The phone was finally answered, but it was a A woman's voice came, "Hi, I'm looking for Birdy, er, no, I'm looking for Wang Bode, is this his home phone number?" Unexpectedly, a woman would answer the phone, and Ah Han was a little flustered that she was Birdy's wife?

He knows that Birdy is married... Which one are you? ' asked the woman.

"I'm his high school classmate, Zhang Jiahan." After three seconds of silence, the woman on the other end of the phone said she was Ban Ban.

Banban asked Han to come out to meet him, but he didn't mention Birdy. Ah Han felt a little puzzled, so he went anyway.

The meeting place was in a park near an elementary school.

"Why do you want to make an appointment here?" Ahan asked, "My daughter will be out of school soon." Banban said, "How old is my daughter?" Ahan asked, vaguely remembering seeing Birdy's profile in the corner of a newspaper or magazine, There was a sentence on it that he couldn't forget.

Married with one daughter, "I'm going to middle school next year." Banban, who still has pretty short hair like a high school student, smiled and showed crow's feet at the corners of his eyes. The two sat down on a bench in the park, and Banban looked at him, Said: "You haven't changed much" "You've grown old!" Ah Han laughed and said that Banban laughed too. Banban knew what he wanted to ask, and before he could ask, he said: "We divorced a long time ago, I don't know why he left this phone number." "But, didn't you break up before? He also said that you were chased by a gangster?" Ahan asked.

Banban laughed, "Rogue? Who can compare to him? He was the one who broke up first! But not long after the breakup, I missed him so much and started contacting him again, so we got together again. In the end, we even got married. Married, he is romantic, almost every day he creates different surprises to please me." Ah Han listened quietly, without making a sound.

"However, I later found out that it was just a way for him to escape. He used his own way to please me, but he didn't care what I really wanted. Moreover, every day is so romantic, it's like making a movie, after a long time I feel very unreal, as if I only need to talk to him about the big and small things in life, the daily necessities that must be experienced every day are all tacky! Banban sighed, "He doesn't love me, he just has to love me. Or should I put it that way He just has to love a woman, and I happen to be there." Ah Han was speechless, he wanted to say something to comfort Banban, but he didn't know how to speak.

Banban turned around and stared at Ah Han, at the man her ex-husband really loved all these years.

It's not that she doesn't understand, it's just that she thought she could change him. After all, she didn't understand until later that she liked boys.After the divorce, many people asked her why, but she only said lightly that it was because of personality differences.

"Sometimes, I hate him very much," Banban said with self-mockery, "If he really likes men, why didn't he tell me the truth in the first place? I love him so much, but he's just using me!" Years of backlogged anger Detonating again, Banban's petite face was flushed, and there were tears in her eyes. Over the years, how many nights, as long as she thought of this incident, she was so excited that she couldn't sleep. She deeply felt that her life was ruined by this man.

But, fortunately, her daughter is well-behaved and sensible, and has always been by her side. The mother and daughter live their lives together. It is a bit hard, but it is another kind of sweet bond, which makes her feel that the world can at least be colorful and colorful. of.

Listening to Banban's pain, Ah Han felt a sense of guilt, was he an accomplice at that time?

The bell of the nearby elementary school heard the end of school, and Banban took a few deep breaths, and quickly calmed down. Then she transformed from that angry girl into a gentle and loving mother who was able to tolerate all the faults of her loved ones. .

"Do you know?" She turned her head, looked at Han with a smile, and said, "He likes to talk about you like stealing balloons, stealing posters and smoking Father O's cigarettes, and why he was killed by your former classmates. Chasing and hitting" Ah Han was taken aback for a moment, and a picture quickly flashed in his head: how the figure with his arms outstretched like a big bird leaped down from the second floor at that time.

"You mean that he was chased and beaten by the bus?" He nodded to Banban and said, "He said it was for you" "For me? Why?" Ah Han was puzzled, but Banban smiled and remained silent.

She didn't want to tell him.

Just take it as her little, insignificant revenge.

"It's time for me to pick up my daughter," Banban got up and left without looking back. For her, it was all over and there was no need to stay any longer.

Ahan sat there in a daze, looking at the petite but always so strong figure, and walked quickly to the gate of the nearby primary school.

Ah Han decided to go to Canada to visit Father Ou.

Although the person has passed away, Ah Han wants to go to the grave in person to thank Father Ou for not giving up on him at his most helpless moment.

After Father Ou retired and returned to Canada, he lived with a friend named Alex, who was about the same age as Father Ou. Han noticed that Aex's eyes were dark green, which is rarely seen even in the Western world.

When Ahan came to the tomb of Father Ou, he saw a photo of Father Ou playing the trumpet on the heavy stone tombstone. Although the hair of Father Ou in the photo was gray, he was still handsome and full of laziness. Lazy freedom.

He placed the pineapple cakes, tribute candies and other sweets specially brought by him in front of the tombstone.

Ahan stared at the photo for a long time before he lowered his head to pray and filled in his greetings. Alex took Ahan back to the house where he lived with Father Ou. In a small musical instrument room, there are several trumpets and other musical instruments hanging on the wall, and the bookshelves are filled with vinyl records. On the wooden bar beside it, a siphon coffee pot is bubbling, and the aroma of coffee floats in the air. There is a faint scent of roses, and the sunlight is projected from outside the glass and falls on a vinyl record player, and the jazz music played by the trumpet is slowly flowing out from there. The record player is exactly the same, and there are still traces of Father Ou's life here, his indoor slippers, the coat draped on the back of the chair, and the reading glasses placed on the table, as if the next moment Father Ou will come from behind the door Come out, ask Han to sit down, pour him a cup of coffee, and even roll a cigarette for Han. Alex brought him a cup of coffee and sat him down. Before he could speak, Alex, who could not speak Chinese, said in English: "He likes to play the trumpet, so I chose that photo especially." "It's very nice!" 』Ahan also answered in English. Ah Han's English is not fluent, but Alex can't speak too fast and the words are not difficult to communicate easily.

"It's a pity he left. 』Ahan said that I have no regrets being able to be with him in the last few years, 』Alex lowered his head, his eyes reddened.

Ah Han took a sip of the coffee, the taste was still familiar.

Alex said to him: "Thank you for coming here for those sweets. He likes them very much. As long as anyone comes to visit him from Taiwan, I will ask them to bring them. I guess he will still want to eat them. Then Alex took the tobacco aside, Started to roll a cigarette.

Ah Han looked at his side face carefully rolling a cigarette, and listened to the familiar trumpet jazz in his ears. He found that the person in front of him, every move, and even the things he liked were all rolled up with Father Ou. on the cigarette, and asked: "Does it smell like roses?" ’Alex laughed and said: ‘I like this smell to him, after he left, I started to smoke too’ because I want the smell of that person to stay here and not disappear.

It was as if he hadn't left, just fell asleep quietly in a quiet room, and would wake up at any time.

Alex lit the cigarette, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. Ahan stood up, walked to the record player, and picked up the record jacket beside him to look at it.

Alex said behind him: "For the past few years he has not been working in the church, fortunately, students from Qiante Middle School often visit him, and every time he can be happy for several days.I also often heard about many things that happened to you before. It was very interesting. I remember that a student said that one year when your school began to recruit girls, all the boys in the school went crazy.

Ahan gently put down the record jacket, and glanced at every scene in the house, the photo of the two smiling at each other on the wall, the pair of toothbrushes in the open bathroom door, he could tell without asking, Alex and Ou The priest should be a couple.

It turned out to be the case.

Thirty years ago, Father Ou had a conversation with himself, and the bits and pieces came to mind.

He suddenly understood.

"Why did he leave the church? 』Ahan asked Alex. He was silent for a while and said that he always said that he couldn't go to heaven, he was a sinner and others would definitely go to heaven! 』Ahan said that Alex lowered his eyes and said in a low voice: If he had me, he would definitely go to heaven...Ahan didn’t want Alex to blame himself, so he changed the topic and asked Father Ou’s recent situation in the past few years. After waking up in the morning, I will read the Bible and eat some fruit at noon. I will go fishing and shopping in the market in the afternoon. I like to cook by myself in the evening. If Alex has not returned home because of work, he will make coffee and read Book, dinner with Alex when he gets home Occasionally, he'll go to the town tavern for a drink and dance after dinner.

"I heard from him that you met at the ball?" Ah Han asked from memory. Of course, Father Ou never said that the person he met at the ball was AlexAlex's dark green eyes full of memories and sadness. His eyes lit up suddenly, and then he smiled a very gentle, very gentle smile because he remembered the sweet first thought Yes, we met at the dance," he said softly, and the memory floated back for a long, long time That first encounter before.

When the eyes of the two met, it seemed that even the air around them was sweet.

Ahan looked at the smile on Alex's face, and a warm feeling flowed from his heart ° This world used to be cruel to them, forcing them to hide their hearts and live a life they didn't want to live, but at the end of their lives, this world finally revealed Show mercy and give them back their true selves.

Profiterdumoment. Ah Han remembered this sentence.

Profiter du moment! ! y Ahan blurted out Alex one, and said a little excitedly: He also often said this sentence!It's just that I think he wasn't really a profiterdumoment until the last few years! ! !

Ahan looked at Alex and said, "Father Ou must have been happy with you in the last few years. Alex's eyes were red again. After a while, he choked up and said softly: "I am also very happy that night, when Ahan came to town The only tavern on the road.

He found a seat and sat down. While waiting for the bartender to be delivered, he looked around and suddenly found a familiar figure in the corner. He froze for a while, and couldn't believe his eyes for a while.

His heart beat faster in an instant, and the memories of that youthful youth 30 years ago flooded in, almost making him unable to control himself.

How can it be?

Is there such a coincidence in this world?

He wanted to calm down, changed his position, and looked over without a trace. The man was smoking a cigarette while staring at the laptop in front of him, as if he was busy working.Beside the man was the empty Ahan who got up from his seat, took a few steps forward, hesitated for a while, and finally turned his head and retreated to his seat.That whole night, he just sat there across several tables, watching that person quietly.

Quietly, feel the heartbeat that cannot be settled down.Occasionally, that person would raise his head, but he just looked at the floor-to-ceiling windows of the bar, his gaze was far away. But until late at night when the bar closed and the person turned off his computer and got up to leave, Ahan did not step forward.

It can't be him, can it?

Ah Han told himself so in his heart.

Even if the two recognized each other, he didn't know what he was going to say?

As he got older, Han thought, he had lost the courage of his youth.

The next day, Ahan joined the local tour group of Niagara Falls. He has always wanted to visit this waterfall.

Standing in front of the huge waterfall, the powerful water sprayed on his face continuously, and the passengers around kept laughing and laughing. Only he stood quietly, letting the water splash. He slowly walked to a higher place, bowed his head and looked down. Looking around, he saw a boat on the river below slowly approaching the center of the waterfall. It was also a tourist group, almost all foreigners, but one face caught his attention.

A particularly conspicuous oriental face.

It's just that the distance was too far, so he couldn't see very clearly. Soon, the director on board picked up the microphone and shouted loudly: "Everyone wave to the friends on the shore to say hello!"

So the tourists on the boat waved to the shore one after another. The tourists on the shore responded enthusiastically to Han and did not wave, but he saw the face of the man and the man was also looking at him. Didn't he see his boat sailing away? Ah Han's gaze never left. If it was really him, then, is this God's arrangement?

Ah Han hurried back to the tavern from last night. It was still dark and the tavern hadn't opened yet. He waited at the door, looking around from time to time.

If you do meet, it would be good to chat about each other's current situation.

Although he was afraid before, but at this age, what else is there to be afraid of?

Profiter du moment! !

How many more 30 years does he have to wait like this?

In the evening, as the night darkened, the signboard of the tavern was lit up, and Ahan was the first guest.He sat in the same position as last night, waiting for the guests to come in one by one. Lazy music was played in the tavern, and many guests began to dance to the music, but until the end of the song, he never waited for that figure.

It was not until the tavern was about to rest that Ah Han got up and left.

Maybe he just got it wrong.He comforted himself so much. After all, how could such a coincidence happen?

However, there are still some regrets.

Ahan walked out of the tavern and walked slowly on the cold street alone, when there were hurried footsteps behind him, he didn't pay much attention at first, until suddenly someone patted him on the shoulder!He jerked his head back, and the man standing behind him was grinning happily.

That damned smile didn't change at all, and when Ah Han came back to his senses, he couldn't help but also smiled.

"It's really you!" Han said.

"It's really you!" Saying that we haven't seen each other for a long time, even though we were very pleasantly surprised by the meeting, he didn't know how to react. Ahan wanted to shake hands at first, while Birdy wanted to hug the two of them at the same time and move back at the same time, and then didn't They all smiled sheepishly, "Why did you come here when the taverns were closed?" Ah Han asked.

"How did you know I would come here?" Birdy asked back, "It's just a chance. Actually, I saw you last night." "Then why didn't you call me?" I thought I was dazzled." Han smiled wryly, "I would have come here to wait for you if I knew it." Birdy said, "I've been looking for you all day today!" "Really?" Han was a little surprised.

"Didn't I see you in Niagara Falls? I didn't know until now that Niagara Falls is not in Nicaragua!" Birdy said, "Did you come here to have crazy sex?" Han asked with a smile. The sad past can now be talked about with a smile, "How can you be crazy if you don't have a partner?" Birdy shrugged, no one?

Has Birdy been without a date since then?

Ahan thought of Banban, "You also came to see Father Ou?" Ahan asked.

Birdy nodded, "I will come to see him whenever I have time. I am very grateful to him. At that time, I often went to him. Han was surprised and said: "I don't even know!" "I asked him not to sue you, he really Birdy smiled and said: "Because I was talking about you at the time!" Ah Han recalled all the conversations he had with Father Ou, especially in the small instrument room, where Father Ou nearly lost control several times. At that time, Father Ou also thought of what happened to him, right?Obviously I also have someone I love deeply, but I punish myself to stay away from love and hometown, and bear these sufferings and pains alone.

But Ah Han believes that in the last few years, Father Ou should have reached a reconciliation with his God and obtained happiness, right?

Although they haven't seen each other for 30 years, they had such a good relationship in high school. After the initial embarrassment, the two chatted naturally, and there are too many things to talk about.

They chatted about Banban, and Birdy admitted frankly that he was sorry for her, so after the divorce, he remained single and did not look for another partner.

Ah Han also said that he should apologize, the hot air balloon confession back then, he ran to the school in a fit of rage and told the school that Banban and Birdy were secretly having an affair, which caused both of them to be recorded as a big fault, but Birdy said he had already guessed arrive.

"But I think this is what I asked for. After all, I deliberately did a lot of things to make you sad at that time. I thought you would give up. Birdy took a deep breath and said: "I'm sorry," but Han shook his head , said: "How can it be so easy to give up?" Birdy sighed heavily, and said: "I loved you very much at that time, do you know?" Ah Han paused in his footsteps.

Yes, he once thought so, but what happened later made him not sure. Birdy said: "But, in fact, I am very scared. The more days I spend with you, the more miserable the ending will be. I once called class Ben to help, see if she can introduce her classmate to date you and correct you.” Ah Han wryly smiled: “Do you think I have scoliosis? Or do you have crooked teeth that need to be corrected?” Ah Han originally wanted to tell Birdy, do you know that Banban even wants to chase me back?

But before he could say anything, Birdy broke the news by himself: "I know Banban wanted to seduce you, she told me later." Before Han could respond, Birdy burst out laughing, and said: "Actually, I heard I almost died laughing, I’m not angry at all and I’m very touched.” He looked at Han affectionately, “No matter how bad I treat you, you still want to protect me from getting hurt.” Han deliberately put on With a look of disapproval, he said, "I think she is ugly, stop being narcissistic!" Birdy laughed loudly, as if she didn't mind at all.

At this age, in fact, there is no need to hide many things, and it feels like I can speak out calmly, which is great.

Birdy pulled out a cigarette and lit it, still the same one he smoked in high school.

BirdyBirdy handed Han a cigarette, he took it, leaned over to light it for him with the cigarette in his mouth, "Do you have a partner later?" Birdy asked, "Of course, but it's all about your majesty!" Ah Han jokingly said, "I'm very proud of this!" Birdy couldn't hide his pride. The two continued walking. Birdy said that he became a film director. Although they were all small-budget independent films, they couldn't make a lot of money. But he didn't starve to death, and he won a few awards.

Ah Han just smiled and listened. Of course, he didn't say that he knew that Birdy was going to be a movie director.

Occasionally, seeing Birdy's news in those media, Ahan is not without emotion.

After graduating from university, he entered an accounting firm as an intern. He spent all day in the pile of numbers. Until now, he can no longer dream.

And Birdy is still so free, chasing his childhood dream.

Han said enviously to Birdy: "You really became a director and made a movie." "I'm still waiting for you to write the theme song for me!" Birdy said that Han felt a little embarrassed.

"I remember the song you sang to me, it was very nice," Birdy said with a gentle smile on his face. "For so many years, I often think of your singing Ahan looked at him, those dreams of youth, in the end, it's just that one song, but this person always remembers it.

Ah Han mentioned that he finally joined the alumni reunion of the Wind Orchestra recently and still couldn’t stand the bus and them, all of them had middle-aged beer bellies, and their minds were still full of sperm. I asked my crush to go to a nightclub for a carnival, and asked Ah Han if he wanted to have fun too?It is a good opportunity to say that this is a good opportunity to temporarily escape family responsibilities.

Mentioning the bus, Birdy asked, "Do you remember that once I was beaten badly by them?" "Of course I remember, in the end you really regarded yourself as a bird and jumped from the second floor to the first floor!" Ah Han said.

"Yes, it was that time! It was actually for you!" Ah Han's curiosity was aroused again, and he asked, "Why?" "That day, those people on the bus stopped me and dragged me to the toilet, saying To see why I can seduce you, turn you into a homosexual, ask me how to kiss you, am I above or below? In short, what they said is ugly! If you recall the divisive behavior and bullying of those few people , Birdy was still aggrieved, "I saw them like this, and I didn't want them to know that you actually like boys, so I kept denying it, and said that I actually wanted to get on the bus! Then I was chased and beaten!" Birdy I smiled and said: "Later I deliberately alienated you, hoping that you would not be looked down upon and bullied by the whole school like that junior, and after you went to study in Taipei, I felt that I was not worthy of you, and I dared not do it again. You..." Birdy took a deep puff on his cigarette, even though so many years have passed, when he thinks about letting go, he still feels reluctance, regret and faint heartache.

What if at that time, he had a little more courage and went to Taipei to find Ah Han?

Will everything be different?

He wouldn't lie to himself that after so long, he still delayed the class. They continued to walk and chat, and talked about how the world has become different. For example, comrades can even get married now, but such a world, really. Is there any better? Birdy didn't answer but sang to Han: "In this world, there is a little hope and a little disappointment. I always think so. Han looked at him for a long time and couldn't speak. Birdy always believed that there is hope in this world, even if it It has brought them so many disappointments.

I don't know how long they walked, but they deliberately walked very slowly until dawn gradually dawned in the distant sky. "Where do you live?" Ahan asked GrandHotel, where are you? Birdy said that Han turned his head, pointed to a hotel whose signboard could no longer be seen, and said, "I live in that one."

"Then go back and rest first!" Birdy said goodbye to him.

Han hesitated for a moment, and asked, "Would you like to come up for a drink?" Birdy shook his head and said that it would be another day, and Han agreed.

Ah Han turned to leave, and heard Birdy whisper behind him: "Good night," Ah Han was stunned, remembering what that girl said to him long, long ago.

He had even forgotten the girl's name.

Turning his head, he also said to Birdy: "Good night" "Good night!" This time, Birdy said it louder.

"Good night!" This time, Ah Han finally looked into his eyes and said good night.

Ah Han's chest felt hot, and he almost couldn't help himself.

The throbbing of youth that I thought was gone, turned out to be still there.

It turned out that his heart was still beating hard.

Birdy always remembers that Birdy stepped forward and raised his hand awkwardly, saying, "I'll walk with you for a while." Ah Han didn't answer, but secretly laughed in his heart.

It seems that Birdy is not lying. Over the years, he really has no partner, and he is not even so skilled in holding hands.

Scenes of the past slipped by before my eyes, as if it was only yesterday.Ah Han suddenly felt that his eye sockets were hot and humid.He used to feel that the world was cruel and disappointed with the world, but now he wants to thank the world for allowing him to meet Birdy again. He remembered the promise they made inadvertently on the roof of the school building in high school. Do you want to do it later? Study abroad?

Of course I want to go abroad, but can I not go to school?

Ok.

Ah Han turned around and walked back silently. Birdy followed the figure of the two and gradually disappeared on the foreign street in the early morning.