the name engraved in your heart

Dear Heavenly Father, there is no sin in liking someone, right?Is it okay if I like a boy?

I'm not gay, I just really like and like being with him.I'm here to pray to you that he can understand and accept the love I have for him I know I don't go to church lately but I promise you I will go to church every week if he wants to be close to me and accept me, Even take him there, let him be baptized, I know...you hate the fornication of Sodom and Gomorrah, but what you hate is fornication, my liking for him is pure, not fornication.

I really want your blessing You said just ask and you'll hear I'm here to ask you from the bottom of my heart Let me and him never be apart Like that movie.

I will also date girls, but please don't let me get further away from him I want to be with him for the rest of my life as best friends in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.

Ah Han asked Angel to come out to Taichung Park. The two rented a small boat, and Ah Han was in charge of rowing the boat. Angel sat on the other end and looked at him with a smile.

I didn't expect that you would really find me out. ” Angel said, looking happy.Ah Han felt a little guilty and always felt that he was using her.

"Which school do you want to study in college?" Angel asked.

"Not sure yet, but I miss the film department." Ah Han thought for a while, and added: "I want to study in Taipei." Angel looked at him, and suddenly asked: "Are you trying to chase me?" So straight to the point, Ah Han was a little overwhelmed for a moment.

He lowered his eyes, pretending to be shy. Angel smiled and said, "I know you like pure love." This is new.she thinks.

Most boys just want to sleep with a girl or eat tofu when they see a girl, but Ah Han is different.

He was always very polite and considerate, he would not approach her casually, being like a gentleman, Han felt very different to her.

The ship has docked.

The two went ashore and walked onto the bridge, with Angel walking in front, and they chatted without saying a word.

Angel said: "I recently saw Nong Nong Zhi Shang, do you know what the Roman pinyin of "Good Night" is? It's WANAN. Come on, let me show you that she took Han's hand and slowed down in his warm palm. Slowly write these English letters. "If you look at these letters separately, W is me, A is love, and N is you. J So "WANAN" means "I love you, I love you" "If you want me to use The caller passed this code to me. You know that you can make the caller display English by pressing the code, right?" Ah Han nodded.

"You have to write it down! This is our code from now on, so I know you miss me, isn't it romantic?" she said.

Ahan nodded again, and looked at Angel with a smile. On that day, after the appointment, he immediately walked to the phone booth, pressed the key symbols like passwords with his fingertips, and conveyed his expectations and thoughts.

Two days later, the date of the school-wide military song competition will be held in the school's auditorium. Xinban is about to take the stage. Ahan walked up to Birdy, groomed him, and asked probingly, "The day before yesterday...did you receive a call from me?" ?” “Yes!” Birdy replied Han was overjoyed.

"But I don't understand! Birdy said that Han's excited mood was immediately poured cold water. "That's the Roman pinyin of 'good night'! Do you know what that means?" Han said, "Isn't it just good night? "Birdy seemed a little absent-minded, and kept looking at the stands on the side of the auditorium. Ahan followed his gaze and saw a school girl standing on the stands waving to Birdy. It was the brave man who once got up in the practice room and yelled at the instructor. Elementary school girl.

Ah Han instantly felt cold all over.

Is she really her?

Was it really because of her that Birdy started to distance himself from him?

The flame of jealousy in his chest made his body start to heat up, and he watched the junior run down from the stands with red eyes, came to Birdy, and handed him a pack of lozenges.

"This is lozenges, please sing better later! I will help you!" The school girl said that Birdy swallowed two lozenges in one go, and said vaguely: "Look, there will be a surprise later!" Ah Han watched the interaction between the two, and had absolutely no room for himself to intervene.

How much he wished that Birdy could look at him, or say something to him, or even introduce this girl, but Birdy seemed to treat him as an invisible person, only seeing the figure of the school girl, so he was replaced like this? ?

What did Birdy think of him before that?

The military song competition is about to start.

Ahan suppressed the doubts and dissatisfaction surging in his chest, returned to the front of the line, stood at attention, Birdy cleared his throat, and shouted: "The night is vast, get ready! Sing!" A majestic male voice sounded immediately: "The night is vast, the stars There is no light in the moon, only the sound of artillery echoes in the fields, and only sparks are flying everywhere..." This is the military song "Night Attack"' It was just lifted in that era, and the only military songs that can be circulated on campus are still emphasizing the consciousness of the party and the country. Although they have not yet joined the army, But a group of vigorous high school boys sang with enthusiasm.

But the judges on the stage were a little tired. After all, there were only a few military songs, and they didn’t change much. To be honest, they weren’t very attractive. Holding a military song competition was just a routine. Halfway through Birdy's singing, Simban's neat line suddenly exploded like fireworks and everyone fell to the ground. Then Birdy jumped up from the center of the line and sang a completely different song loudly. The world has a little hope and a little disappointment, I often think so.

In this world, there is a little joy and a little sadness, and no one can escape.

This was Birdy's idea. He said that the judges must be tired of listening to serious military songs. If they want to win the competition, they must be different from others!

Ah Han knelt in front of Birdy, looking up at him, as if he was worshiping an idol, but he found that Birdy's gaze did not rest on him. He slowly moved his gaze to the stand beside him, and saw that the school girl had stood up She happily sang along loudly, and kept waving her hands to cheer for Birdy. It turns out that she can also sing this song. Did Birdy teach her?

Ah Han felt chilled again. He turned his gaze back, looked at Birdy who had never been so dazzling in front of him, and then looked at the junior girl in the stands. Birdy seemed to be singing a love song confession to the junior sister.

Han has forgotten to continue singing. He used to think that that song belonged only to him and Birdy. He used to think that Birdy was the one who confessed to him. For some reason, Han’s line became blurred, right? The "thoughts" are all just my own fantasies?Our world: it's not as bad as you make it out to be.

Why should you be emotional, use your care and all your love to add some beautiful colors to this world... Chi Ahan found that his world began to gradually lose its color. In front of him, the face of the reviewing instructor became more and more ugly and stole "give me Stop! Who allows you to change the military song like this? How decent is it?" Finally, the instructor couldn't help standing up and interrupting Birdy's singing.

One of the judges said slowly: "I think it's quite creative, let them finish the performance!" ?” The instructor turned to stare at Birdy, and asked, “Call your instructors over here!” Instructor Xinban glanced at Birdy, with a helpless face, and walked slowly to the front of the stage. After talking with the instructor for a few words, the instructor announced: “Next One group!" This is tantamount to kicking Xinban out of the competition. Ahan was stunned. He didn't expect the consequences to be so serious. Birdy also had a look of disbelief. The classmates around him stood in the way and looked at the junior girl, only to see that she was shocked and reluctant, as if she wanted to rush down to comfort Birdy at any time.But she didn't rush down from the stands, but with pity in her eyes, she watched Xin Bantui silently for some reason, and Ah Han felt relieved.

That night, Ah Han wanted to comfort Birdy, and asked him to sneak over the wall to the night market for a big meal in the middle of the night. He was worried that Birdy would refuse, but he readily agreed that after bedtime, Ah Han, who had already put on casual clothes, was lying on the bed in the dormitory , Waiting for the dormitory supervisor’s patrolling flashlight light to completely disappear, immediately lifted the quilt, tiptoed up from the bed, sneaked out of the dormitory, climbed over the wall to bring the motorcycle, and waited under the wall.

Time passed minute by minute, long past the agreed time, but Birdy was still pregnant. Han kept staring at the wall, worried that Birdy was in trouble when Birdy's head popped out of the wall!

Ahan breathed a sigh of relief, and just as he was having fun, the next moment, he saw Birdy who had jumped on the fence turn around and pull up another person, the junior girl. The smile on Ahan's face froze immediately.

The junior girl waved at Han, and Han could only nod his head stiffly and slowly.Was it so late to pick up the school girl secretly?

He watched Birdy carefully helping the school girl jump off the fence, and he had only one question in his mind: What do you think of me?

"Han, take the shift! I'll follow you on a bicycle." Birdy asked Han to say something, but finally held back the shift and got into the back seat of his plane. He suddenly felt disgusted and just wanted to please Get off her!

It's exclusive to him and Birdy!Why did she sit on it?

But for Birdy, he endured it.

On the way to the night market by bicycle, Banban kept looking back at Birdy, who was riding his bicycle desperately. Birdy suddenly sang that our world is not as bad as you said.

Why do you feel emotional, with your care and all your love...

Banban immediately sang along with him.

The girl's unique soft singing voice reverberated in the night, and Ah Han couldn't help thinking of Angel, but he knew very well that he didn't like Angel, what he liked was Birdy, even though he didn't want to admit it in the previous confession, even in the face of the heavenly father .

And what about Birdy?

What Birdy likes... is Banban?

Arriving at the night market, Ah Han was a little awkward and deliberately said that he was not hungry, and went to the side to play the electric elf. He thought that Birdy would at least come to care, but he just ate two plates of fried noodles. Birdy ordered another plate. Eating desperately, it seemed like he was venting something.

Banban sitting next to him couldn't help asking: "Are you treating the fried noodles as an instructor now?" Birdy made a "huh" forcefully, and took a big bite of the fried noodles!

"Then do you want to eat the whole plate?" Banban asked.

Birdy actually picked up the plate and wanted to eat it. Banban laughed and stopped Ah Han from finishing a few rounds. Seeing that Birdy still didn't come to talk to him, he felt a little bored. Finally, he touched his nose and took two bottles of beer Walked back to the table, opened it, and said: "It's all in the past, what do you want to do so much? If you lose, you lose! Come on, do it!" "I'm not upset about losing!" Birdy said: "I'm upset we didn't The performance is over! Everyone has practiced for more than a month, what are they doing like this? Don’t they all talk about lifting the law?” Ah Han looked at him silently, with mixed feelings in his heart. Birdy is so naive. Everyone thought that after the lifting of the law, the world would change ?

No, in fact everything has not changed at all, because it is deeply rooted, it is impossible to change overnight, but Ahan didn't say it, but just looked at Birdy's anger and tried to comfort Birdy, saying: "I think you are already No. 1! Didn’t you see other people’s reactions? This trick is inherently dangerous. The judges either love it or hate it!" "Maybe it will be different if you change the song? "This World" sounds a bit sad" Ah Han Before he finished speaking, he was interrupted by Birdy: "I like this song! I don't think it sounds sad, but it makes me feel comforted and hopeful!" Birdy shook his head and began to sing the song again.

Banban laughed and sang young boys and girls along with him. They had a perfect understanding when they sang together. Ahan only felt that he was superfluous and shouldn't be here. "Whose song do you usually listen to?" Birdy completely Ignoring Ah Han, focusing on Banban "I like Chen Sheng!" Banban said, "I like it too! I like "Mortal Confessions", the third song on side A!" Birdy said that Banban looked surprised , "I like that one too! Do you remember the seventh song on the B side?" "Back to Me"! "Birdy smiled and took out the Walkman from the small bag, and said to Banban: "Come on, listen to this song." He gently brushed the hair from Banban's ear, and put an earphone into her ear Inside, the other earphones were stuffed into his ears.

Then he pressed the play button of the Walkman, and the sound of music and singing sounded in the ears of the two of them. It was a world that only belonged to them, and Ahan was completely isolated from it.

Ah Han finally couldn't help it, and asked suddenly: "Are you guys dating?" Banban was taken aback, looked at Birdy, suddenly blushed, opened his eyes, Birdy laughed, and said to Han: "Don't talk about you I feel shy watching Banban." "I think the two of you are more like in a relationship, and you hang out with each other all day long," Banban deliberately wanted to shift the focus, deliberately joking.

The three of them suddenly fell silent for a while. Maybe it was because they wanted to please Ban Ban, or maybe they wanted to break the embarrassment. Birdy suddenly jumped up and rushed to Ah Han, holding his face in his hands, making a gesture of kissing him, while facing Ban. Ben said: "That's right, we're in a relationship, I'll show you!" Ban was really amused, screaming and laughing at the same time, Birdy performed even harder, pursing his lips towards Han's face In the past, but in fact, his hands have been controlling the strength and did not really kiss.

Usually, Ah Han is very patient with Birdy's nonsense, but tonight, for some reason, he seemed particularly irritable. After Birdy made such a fuss, he felt even more annoyed, so he simply pulled Birdy's hand away, and he held Birdy's, and then Really kissed in front of Banban! Birdy was completely stunned, at a loss what to do for a moment, after hurriedly pushing away, he looked at him in a daze, Han sneered, and said, "Why, don't you want to kiss?" Turning his head and walking around, he glanced at Ah Han, with guilt and maybe some sympathy in his eyes, then he got up and left behind Birdy. Ah Han sat at the table alone, full of helplessness, and could only smile wryly if he was too stupid up?

Is he the only one who is serious from the beginning to the end?

On the way back, in order to resolve the embarrassment, Ah Han offered to let Birdy go home on a motorcycle, and he would ride Birdy’s bicycle. Facing Birdy, he was always soft-hearted and couldn’t really be ruthless, so Birdy rode his The car carries the class, while Ah Han is riding a bicycle, holding the handrail of the rear seat of the motorcycle with one hand.

He watched Banban hugging Birdy's waist, the two were talking and laughing all the way, immersed in the world of the two of them, he felt strongly again that he was the extra one. He let go of his hand and watched the motorcycle gradually leave He was getting farther and farther away, until he could no longer see the heavy tail lights, he was left alone on the dark road, feeling unprecedented loneliness, didn't he, this world, really He's the only one left?

Ah Han couldn't concentrate on class, and he couldn't let himself not mind Birdy's sudden change.He didn't understand why it was such a happy thing, but now it made him so painful?He was only 17 years old, and he couldn't express the depression in his mouth. He could only come to the chapel in the school and tell his heavenly father, dear heavenly father, if you don't like homosexuality, can you... set fire to us all Burned?I don't have to suffer so much... Isn't homosexuality worthy of your blessing?But look at my dad and mom, they are not happy at all!And the bus and the others just want to sleep with girls all day long, it's disgusting!

The priest said, you created everyone for a purpose, but I really don't know, you made me like this, what do you want me to do, what am I... what should I do?

When Birdy entered the chapel, he saw Ah Han kneeling in front of the heavenly father, his forehead resting on his clasped hands, his eyes closed, and his expression depressed.

A trace of unbearableness flashed across Birdy's face, but she immediately hid it, changed back to the hippie smile that hung on her face all day long, ran to Han's side, and pretended to kneel down as well. Han opened his eyes, saw it was him, did not He asked angrily, "What are you doing here?" But Ah Han was delighted at the same time, thinking that Birdy was looking for him to reconcile.

"I'm here to pray!" Birdy said it as a matter of course. "Then what are you praying for?" Han asked.

"Whatever you pray, I will pray!" Birdy replied. Han recalled the content of his prayer just now, feeling uneasy, and was about to stop Birdy when he heard him say: "Heavenly Father, we are all in our third year of high school. I have a lot of thoughts all day long, and I can't concentrate on studying. I think he must be too lonely? I hope you can show your great strength to let him meet the girl he likes as soon as possible, Amen!" Ah Han couldn't bear the anger anymore and got up and pushed hard Give Birdy a hand!

"Am I funny? Is this funny? You're boring!" Hope he meets a girl he likes soon?

Does that mean Birdy doesn't need him anymore?

Ah Han turned his head and was about to leave, but Birdy blocked him.

"What do you want to do?" Ah Han was helpless, he really didn't know what Birdy was thinking.

"I just want to tell you that you shouldn't do this!" Birdy said, but at the same time avoided Ahan's scorching gaze intentionally or unintentionally. "What shouldn't I do?" Walking to the door of the chapel, he doesn't want to see Birdy now because as long as he is around Birdy, he will be upset and can't even think about Birdy, but he still doesn't let him go, grabs his hand, pulls him and turns around to face himself, With a distressed face, he said, "You shouldn't just hang out with me all the time, okay? You and I can be very, very good friends, but you should get a girlfriend so you won't be dragged down by me. Or , let me introduce you? I asked Banban to introduce Han, who was in their class, interrupted him and asked, "Are you already with her?" At that time, all he cared about was this, and he didn't realize what Birdy said "So that you won't be dragged down by me" hides other messages in this sentence. In fact, Birdy treated him like this on purpose.

If Han had paid more attention then, he would have noticed.

But what he thought and saw in his heart at the time was how Birdy betrayed him and abandoned him, and this anger made him unable to calm down and see clearly what the truth behind all this was.too young.them at the time.

And he likes Birdy too much. Birdy smiled, didn't deny it, hooked his shoulders like a good buddy, thumped his chest hard, and said, "Lend me the motorcycle? I want to go out with the shift today." Ah Han was silent.

Father Ou walked into the chapel, and not long after, he heard a small sound that sounded like someone was sobbing.

He searched for the sound, and found Ah Han crying in the corner of the chapel. As soon as Ah Han saw him, he immediately wiped away his tears and turned his head. "Ah Han, what's wrong with you?" Father Ou asked.

Ahan sniffed his nose very hard, didn't answer Father Ou and didn't ask any more questions, but just pulled Ahan up and said that he would go to the playground with him for a couple of laps. Ahan didn't refuse.

The two were running on the playground, and Ah Han kept accelerating. He felt the wind blowing by his ears, and thought how great it would be if he could disappear with the wind.

He didn't know how long he had been running, all he knew was that the setting sun that was originally hanging in the western sky had sunk to the point where he could hardly see it, and Father Ou was still running beside him, without saying anything or asking anything, just accompanying him like that. When the sun finally sank behind the distant mountain, Ah Han was exhausted, his legs went limp, and he knelt down on the playground, and then fell forward on the ground. Father Ou also came over and sat beside him. Han turned around and lay on the ground, looking at the sky where the night was about to fall, thinking that Birdy and Banban would sneak out again tonight, thinking of their intimacy, thinking of the way Birdy looked at Banban, he suddenly tensed up. I closed my eyes tightly, feeling the tears coming again.

He really didn't know who to ask for help. After a long time, he finally said: "...if the priest likes someone, but the other person doesn't know, what should I do?" "Then tell him!" Father Ou wiped the sweat from his forehead Han mused.

"Father, how did your first love end?" Ah Han suddenly asked Father Ou, and after a moment of silence, he said, "Because I wasn't brave enough. If I had been braver at that time, maybe my first love would not have ended." So it was. brave, eh?

Is bravery the only answer?

So, hasn't he been brave enough?

"What happened next?" Ah Han turned his head to look at Father Ou. He wanted to see the expression on Father Ou's face. He saw Father Ou looking up at the sky, with sadness and regret rarely appearing on his face.

Ah Han had never seen him show such an expression.

"Later? Not later, but I pray to God every day, hoping that one day that person can find a better partner and live a happy life." After finishing speaking, Father Ou turned to look at Han and smiled kindly, "Ah Han, tell each other everything you want to say! You are still so young, so be brave!" "But parents, teachers, and schools don't allow us to fall in love." He said hesitantly. When the adults around tell you, How much courage does it take to stand up and fight back when it's not right?

"Ahan, have you forgotten what I said before? Profiterdumoment!!" Father Ou said.The night had fallen completely, and my hot and sweaty body began to feel a little cool.

Ah Han suddenly jumped up and continued to sprint forward, shouting while running: "Profiterdumoment!! J life is only once, if you are limited everywhere and can't live in the present, then what's the point of living?