Male heart trembling

Mr. Tang's wedding must be very grand, Mr. Tang's dress must be very handsome, and Mr. Tang will definitely show his due radiance, but all these will only exist in my imagination.I was in a trance throughout the day, as if I lost one of the most precious things, or gave up the most important things.

Intellectually speaking, I understand the current situation. Everything is just a play. After the show, Mr. Tang will still return to my side, hold me in his arms, and order me to serve him well with a manly tone.However, emotionally speaking, Mr. Tang has a marriage certificate, a wedding ceremony, and a legitimate wife. He will no longer be the lonely and suave person I know, and he will no longer be me in Tang La Yaxiu's room. The big boss who was waiting nervously was no longer the pure person who gave me a home where I could see the Haihe River.

From the moment I decided to sell my body, until today, what have I gained, and what have I lost in the end?I got a man who dotes on me very much, he is willing to do a lot for me, and I am willing to dedicate everything to him.I lost my positive attitude towards life, and I was no longer the person in the past who tried to figure out how to solve problems by myself even if it was difficult, even if I chose to sell my body in the end.Now, after I got a man who is almost omnipotent, I have become extremely fragile, and my whole body and mind are involved by Mr. Tang, and any of his actions will eventually fall on me like a butterfly effect.

I became an incompetent person, because emotional incompetence made the whole person extremely fragile. I lost the ability to think, the courage to struggle, the firmness to the future, and the desire to seek an exit after facing difficulties.Now I only know to miss Mr. Tang, I only know to worry about Mr. Tang, and I can never see other people or things.

The whole day lost its proper rhythm. When I was at a loss, time passed quickly, and when I was melancholy, time became extremely slow.I controlled my sensitivity to time with my own thoughts until the night gradually fell.The room was extremely quiet, and I curled up on the floor, looking out the window at the spinning Ferris wheel.In the darker night, the Ferris wheel glows a mauve.Through this light, I seem to see the handsome Mr. Tang walking in the gorgeous palace, standing beside a woman as beautiful as a princess.I seem to hear wonderful music and the sound of people blessing.

Is it a dream?Why do I feel so sane?

Isn't it a dream?Why do I see things I shouldn't see?

I suddenly thought of a person, Ms. Xu must be in the same torment and loss as I am now, and wanted to send a WeChat message of condolences, but felt that I was not qualified for this, and felt very pitiful. I was the one who should be consoled. I don't have the ability to condolences to the same fate.

The night was getting darker, and I hadn't had a drop of water all day. I was a little tired, but I was not in the mood to prepare food and drink for myself, so I decided to continue to daze under the light of the Ferris wheel.I don't know how long it took, the door was gently opened, and my heart was very high. Mr. Tang came back, he really came back, earlier than I thought, and later than I thought.

Because of the complicated mood, I didn't fly into his arms, but looked back at him pitifully like a wronged child.Mr. Tang was indeed extremely energetic, with a handsome haircut, black suit, exquisite tie, and shiny black leather shoes, such a groom would not lose his looks no matter which woman he stood next to.Mr. Tang came to my side quickly, sat behind me and hugged me tightly in his arms.

"It's only been one day, and you turned into such a ghost." Mr. Tang said distressedly.

I couldn't help crying. I was not a boy who loves to cry, but I didn't know how many times I cried during this emotional entanglement.Mr. Tang hugged me tremblingly, and said, "You know I will come back today, why don't you wait for me energetically?"

I whispered, "I'm too weak to do what you want."

"Whatever you want to do, I will promise you in the future." Mr. Tang said.

"Are you still leaving today?"

Mr. Tang didn't answer my question, but put me in his arms, and kissed me madly and tenderly with his thick lips.His tongue was moist with wine, and his mouth smelled like wine. I don't know if he was asked to kiss the bride at the wedding, but at least I didn't find any trace of a woman from the taste.

After kissing and thinking about each other, Mr. Tang said: "I have to leave early this morning, and there are still some things to deal with."

I turned around, stretched my arms into his suit jacket, and hugged his strong body tightly, feeling the warmth of this man, feeling the refreshment of regaining what was lost, and the panic of worrying about gain and loss.Mr. Tang comforted me with his extremely loving emotions and actions. For the rest of the night, we lay quietly on the bed, feeling the peace and steadfastness of embracing each other, and the joy of mutual existence.This man has gradually changed from physical conquest to spiritual mastery, firmly controlling me, a person who has nothing, and I am so willing.

I never slept, even though I was very tired, even though I was so hungry and thirsty, Mr. Tang pressed me firmly on the bed like a panacea, and was held tightly in his arms by his thick arms.When dawn came, I put on clean clothes for Mr. Tang, and reluctantly sent him away.

Before parting, he still kissed me and said softly: "Tonight I want to eat boiled meat and sesame oil chicken, open a bottle of red wine, and don't forget to mix cucumbers."

He's gone to do what's left of that sham marriage.He'll be back because he said what to eat tonight.I am very happy, maybe the previous entanglement is over, maybe we can return to normal life from this moment on.I also suddenly understood a truth, some things will feel scary when they don’t happen, and some things are extremely scary during the process of happening, but no matter what, once something really happens, there must be an end moment.

I was a little dazed, but also a little thankful. Is the entanglement I encountered ended like this?

I still feel blocked in my heart, I still feel that there is a rock hanging high, and I even feel that there is a knife hanging on my head.It is impossible that Mr. Tang and I have not changed our lives. After all, he has a wife and may have children in the future, and his career will also be shifted because of this.As for me, a college student without any ability, how much weight I have in his life can only be measured by life itself.I have already prepared to separate from Mr. Tang at any time, but I also understand that it is becoming more and more unacceptable for me to be separated from Mr. Tang.

Life is like this, who told me to become more and more cowardly in the emotional entanglement.But no matter what, I am still a little happy, because Mr. Tang kissed me, because I can still sleep with Mr. Tang at night, because I can still make dinner for him.Let time tell the trajectory of my future life, maybe there will be surprises, maybe there will be bigger entanglements, but at least now I want to live in the present.

Isn't it the essence of life that everything is up in the air?