Before and After Divorce

This was Xia Tingwan's first time riding a motorcycle. At the beginning, of course he felt uneasy. When he was sitting behind Ji Zhan, he didn't know where to put his hands, but Ji Zhan turned around and said to him: "You support me."

Xia Tingwan put her hands on Ji Zhan's waist obediently, through a thin layer of T-shirt, she could almost feel the strong muscle lines of Ji Zhan's waist under the layer of fabric.

"Slow down—" Xia Tingwan couldn't help repeating again.

"Don't worry." Ji Zhan turned his head and smiled at him, and turned the accelerator handle handsomely.

The motorcycle rushed out with a bang and roar, and the tropical humid and gentle evening wind rushed into his chest from the front.

The sweet fragrance of coconut pervades the wind in Thailand, and the Thai vendors on the street are actually playing Jay Chou's old songs for many years on the stereo.

He closed his eyes, and his body seemed to be floating with a strange freedom. This was a feeling he hadn't experienced for a long time. It was strange and nostalgic.

On a sultry summer night many years ago, Xing Le went home from the stadium with him, and he also rode a bicycle to take him home like this.

The bicycle was shuttled in the dark street, the wind was blowing, and the back of Xing Le's shirt was wet from the heat.

He remembered that he was always holding the iced coke he bought from the vending machine just now. When he reached the intersection, Xing Le would stop and turn his head, and he would pass the coke over: "Lele, take a sip..."

Xing Le would come over to let him feed and drink, then turned around and continued to ride hard. When the boy laughed, his eyes were as bright as stars in the night.

Restless and ignorant youth is like throwing the handlebars on a slope and moving forward wantonly.

They were only sixteen or seventeen years old that year, and they didn't know anything about the future, but they felt very confident out of thin air.

Xia Tingwan couldn't help revealing a faintly sour smile.

In this life of a person, the best time really only exists in the past.

……

The villa booked by the "On the Road" program group is the most beautiful at night. The bottom of the swimming pool is lit up, and the water ripples under the swaying shadow of the coconut trees.

Xia Ting came out of the bathroom after taking a shower and was wiping his hair with a towel when he saw Ji Zhan alone on the balcony.

The balcony outside their bedroom directly connected to the swimming pool. Ji Zhan was sitting on the edge of the swimming pool, with his feet in the swimming pool, playing and singing with his guitar in his arms.

Xia Tingwan walked over and opened the balcony door, and was stunned when he heard Ji Zhan's singing.

"I want to go back to the past and try to keep the story going, at least I won't let you leave me anymore."

It's "Back to the Past" by Jay Chou.

It's an old song for more than ten years, and even Xia Tingwan can't remember how long he hasn't gone back to listen to this song, but in the middle of the night in Thailand, just hearing two familiar lyrics, vivid memory Resuscitate immediately.

Ji Zhan's voice is much deeper and hoarse than the original singing, so it sounds more reminiscent of the vicissitudes and sadness on this night when time has passed.

When singing the bass, it becomes more and more magnetic, with a fascinating vibrato.

Xia Tingwan carefully held his breath and listened. When he heard the ending sentence "Your figure loses balance and sinks slowly, wanting to go back to the past...", his eyes couldn't help but a touch of moisture appeared, until the ending The vibrato of the guitar strings is gone, but still immersed in it.

After Ji Zhan finished singing, he turned his head and looked at Xia Tingwan and couldn't help showing a mischievous smile. He whispered, "Do you know what you look like when you look at me?"

Xia Tingwan took a deep breath, calmed down his emotions, then walked over and sat next to Ji Zhan and asked, "What does it look like?"

"Like my fanboy." In the night, Ji Zhan's eyes were bright.

"Tch, I'm not." Xia Tingwan couldn't help but retort with Ji Zhan's complacent look: "Before I came, I never heard your song at all."

"But now you have heard me sing," Ji Zhan was not discouraged, and continued to ask confidently: "Then do you think it sounds good?"

"..." Xia Tingwan was silent for a while, but still answered honestly: "It sounds good."

Ji Zhan smiled, took the canned cold beer from the side, and raised his head to take a sip.

There was a hint of confusion in his eyes, his slender fingers plucked the strings, and he looked at the water waves in the swimming pool thoughtfully: "I have fallen in love with music since I heard this song when I was six years old, so This can be said to be the song that changed my life. I have been famous for a few years, but I never order my own songs when I go to KTV. I still want to sing Jay Chou’s songs, because I have never written such a haunting song music—in fact, I have been creating music for many years, and sometimes I think about it, what is good music... Is it that I still can’t touch that realm?”

"I can."

Xia Tingwan looked at Ji Zhan's clear profile profile, he was very surprised that although he didn't know Ji Zhan that well, he said it very firmly.

From the first time I met Ji Zhan, this big boy was listening to music in the swimming pool, and he had no interest in other people. Every day, he happily held his guitar and strummed and played it in his free time.

His love for music is the kind of concentration that can dismiss the rest of the world.

How could such a person fail to touch that realm.

Ji Zhan smiled at him, he didn't seem to take Xia Tingwan's words seriously, his eyes were full of persistence, and he said softly: "It doesn't matter if you can't touch it."

"Actually, I think that the real genius was never born by himself alone. Behind him, there must be the artistic accumulation of several generations of creators to form the nourishment of his great inspiration. I love music, so even if Talent is not enough, as long as I can be a part of this accumulation process, be a little splash in the long river of music, and one day be able to merge into a huge wave for true genius creation, I am also satisfied—”

"Really, Xia Tingwan, I seldom talk about this with others, but I think you must understand. You are such a good actor, and you know art."

Listening to Ji Zhan's words, Xia Tingwan felt a throbbing in his chest and dry mouth.

What an obsession this is.

True love may be like this. It transcends the attachment to one's own utilitarianism, but is willing to achieve it even if one's efforts are just a wedding dress.

He had never heard such sincere words from anyone.

In Ji Zhan's eyes, he turned out to be a good actor who can become confidant with Ji Zhan.

But he knew how disappointing he was, and it was the first time he was truly ashamed of himself.

After "Whale Language", he has no works that can be called excellent, but he does not have Ji Zhan's serious attitude towards ideals and life.At the age when he should work hard the most, he let himself go.

"I'm not a person who listens to music very often, and I don't know much about music."

Xia Tingwan lowered his head, he really didn't know how to talk about his frustration and aggrieved career with Ji Zhan, so he could only think about it, and continued to talk about his feelings about Ji Zhan's singing: "Actually, I think, the real A good song should not only be a melody captured by the ears, but also a picture that will wake up the memory whenever you hear it, and remind you of the person you miss the most. Good music... comes from the heart. "

"I don't know your creations, but the songs you sing are very good to me."

"Then have you thought of the person you miss the most?" Ji Zhan suddenly turned his head, looked at Xia Tingwan seriously and said, "Who is it?"

Xia Tingwan pursed his lips tightly and fell into silence.

Ji Zhan didn't look away for a long time. After a long time, he took another sip of beer before saying in a deep voice, "I think I guessed it."

"When I used to feel bad about falling out of love, I used my mobile phone to type everything I wanted to say to the other party in the dialog box, and then put it in the draft, and then deleted it all at once when I woke up the next morning. hair, but it feels much better."

Ji Zhan plucked the guitar and said lightly: "You can try."

After he finished speaking, he stopped watching Xia Tingwan, but hummed other songs to himself.

Seeing that he was immersed in the music at night, Xia Ting quietly stood up and walked back to the bedroom.

He thought of Ji Zhan's suggestion, although he also thought it was a bit ridiculous, but the thought couldn't get rid of in his mind, he fell down on the bed and took out his mobile phone.

He didn't know what he wanted to do, so he just habitually opened WeChat and dragged down to the conversation with Su Yan.

Su Yan is still the avatar in "Whale Language", and the last sentence of the conversation still stays at "Ting Ting, I'm going to be home late, remember to take medicine", time seems to be suspended.

He typed a few words like a demon: "Su Yan, are you okay?"

He knew what he had inputted, and Su Yan would not let Su Yan see his weakness at this moment. This was his own secret.

He could have said more and more arbitrarily, but this simple question still seemed to be lingering in his mind.

Are you ok?

These four words have such contradictory and rich meanings.

When a person asks "Are you okay", what he wants to ask most and what he thinks about most is not whether you are okay, but what he really wants to say is "I'm not okay, I miss you."

Xia Tingwan knew that he was really stupid, but when he looked at those lonely words in the input box, his nose suddenly became sore.

At this moment, he suddenly discovered that a line of black words suddenly appeared on the top of the dialogue window between him and Su Yan: The other party is typing...

Xia Tingwan was so startled that her heart skipped a beat, she thought for a moment that she had accidentally sent that sentence, but upon closer inspection, she found that was not the case.

——Su Yan just opened the dialogue window with him by coincidence at this moment.

Su Yan was watching and chatting with him on WeChat...

Does he have something to say to himself?Did he miss him too?

Xia Tingwan's fingers trembled, he couldn't help thinking about Su Yan's mood, and his heart was more like beating a drum, but after waiting for several seconds, there was no movement at all on WeChat, and the prompt at the top of the line was still hanging there.

Xia Tingwan was anxious and restless, but at this moment, he suddenly thought that the top display on Su Yan's open dialogue window with him was probably the same, "The other party is typing..."

Suddenly, his face burned, and Su Yan knew he was watching.

The two of them were really deadlocked at this moment. They knew that the other party had opened the same WeChat conversation, but neither of them sent the first sentence first, and neither of them closed the window first.

-

Xia Tingwan lay on the bed holding the phone, he couldn't see Su Yan's face, he couldn't hear Su Yan's voice, the only reminder left to him was that the mechanical line was "in progress".

He seemed to be in a stalemate with the air, the enemy existed, but it didn't seem to exist.

He persisted until his eyes were sore, and there was still no movement in the WeChat window

Maybe there is a bug in the WeChat card, Xia Tingwan thought a little self-destructively, he didn't want to wait any longer, so he began to write the sentence "Su Yan, are you okay?" word by word in the input column. Delete, but perhaps holding the phone for a long time, my fingers are a little numb, and I accidentally clicked the send button halfway through the deletion.

On the WeChat dialogue window, a few words of unknown meaning appeared on his side: "Su Yan, you"

This is so embarrassing.

"Fuck me..." Xia Tingwan gasped for air, and was so angry that he slammed the bed hard.

He frantically wanted to withdraw, but the notification tone of WeChat rang.

Su Yan replied in seconds.

"what happened?"

Three simple words.

Xia Tingwan could almost imagine Su Yan's appearance when he uttered these three words through the screen of the mobile phone - wearing a straight shirt and looking at him calmly.

His breathing was short for a moment, and Su Yan's reply made him feel secretly happy, but it was also accompanied by a guilty sense of shame.

He spoke harshly to Su Yan just before his departure from Thailand, and in just a few days, he took the initiative to send Su Yan a wechat message. If the world were to vote for the most spineless person today, he would definitely be elected.

But he used to be like this from time to time. His arrogance and temper came and went freely. Su Yan understood him, so during those years of marriage, he was often angry with Su Yan one day, and Su Yan the next day. Come to give him a step down, and he immediately slipped back into Su Yan's arms.

Xia Tingwan was thinking in such a mess in his head, but he didn't know how to reply to his words for a while, it would be really stupid to ask "Are you okay" at this time.

He thought about it for a long time, and finally got very upset, so he honestly went back to what he was thinking: "Are you free? I have something to tell you."

Su Yan quickly dialed the WeChat number and came back. After Xia Tingwan answered, both of them couldn't help being silent for a moment.

In the end, Su Yan asked first: "What's the matter, is it about work?"

Xia Tingwan listened to Su Yan's voice, the familiar, deep tone, he used to always feel that he could rely on.

"Well. There are... a lot of things that don't go well."

He curled up in the bed and said in a low voice.

He wasn't used to filming reality shows, and Xing Le's change hit him even harder.

Human nature, those beautiful things that I thought were preserved in time, are mottled in vain, making it impossible for him to see through. He is lost and at a loss.

But he also knew that he had to face all of this. He had been in such a strong state for several days, and he was really exhausted physically and mentally.Even if Ji Zhan has a good relationship with him, he is not the closest person to him. Only by Su Yan's side can he completely reveal his fatigue and lack of support.

He knew that their relationship at this time was completely different from before, but he still couldn't hold back, and told Su Yan all the subtle and aggrieved things that happened between him and Xing Le.

"He has a grudge against you," Su Yan said after listening, "It's actually not surprising."

"The actor in "Whale Talk" is the opportunity that all actors dream of, because once you get it, your life will be changed. You just accompanied Xing Le to the audition, but in the end it was you who accidentally took the role Although objectively speaking, Xing Le is not suitable for the role of Xiao Xia, and you probably won't be selected if you don't audition for Xing Le, but for Xing Le, it means that the fate of the two of you has been reversed from then on—this kind of The faint resentment and unwillingness are something ordinary people can't digest at all. In fact, I mentioned Xing Le's matter to you before."

Xia Tingwan listened carefully to Su Yan's words, and at the end, he couldn't help being a little surprised, and said softly, "You, did you mention it?"

"Well. I told you once after we got married that Xing Le would mind anyway if you won Cannes Best Actor for "Whale Language". Be careful, Xing Le won't treat you like before."

When Su Yan said this, his voice gradually lowered, and he seemed to have a wry smile on the other end of the phone: "You were still angry with me at that time, thinking that I was jealous of Xing Le, and thought Xing Le too badly."

When he said this, Xia Tingwan suddenly remembered.

He remembered that he asked Su Yan a little angrily, in your heart, are all people so bad?I have known Lele since I was a child, and he is not that kind of person.

At that time, Su Yan finally apologized to him first, and then explained to him: "I don't think Xing Le is a bad person. Even if he really minds that you steal his role, that kind of thinking...for me It's just human nature. Tingting, you haven't grown up yet, in fact, human nature is a muddy mess, not too bad, but definitely not too good."

After hearing this, he became even more angry with Su Yan. He was dissatisfied that Su Yan treated him like a child, and even felt uncomfortable after hearing such depressing words from an old man.

But looking back now, he was really young at that time, and he had never experienced anything.

Time has passed, and now thinking about what happened at that time, he suddenly has some unspeakable feelings.

In fact, Su Yan taught him——

It's just that too much time has passed, and there are many such episodes in the married life. In fact, he has forgotten many times.

In the past, he always thought that Su Yan's love for him was the most beautiful, but now that he thinks about it again, Su Yan has taught him a lot, and that may be the most precious.

At that time, the insight and mind of the old man he despised was actually so accurate.

"Don't worry too much about the reality show."

Su Yan no longer mentioned those things back then, but changed the subject. His speaking speed was still the same as before, slowly but calmly: "Actually, a reality show is a false proposition. Everyone knows that the camera is facing There is absolutely nothing [-]% true, but I still like to watch it, because as long as I get a glimpse of some real and private clues of some stars, even if it is just a show, it is enough to provoke discussion. An old friend who is understanding and doting on you, there is nothing good about this kind of plastic figure, he is used to being an idol and has forgotten what a real person is like."

"But isn't it too good for me to be like this? Xing Le made me feel like a squeamish bag. If I edit it again, will it look like—"

"Tingwan," Su Yan interrupted him directly: "When you don't know what to do, just be yourself, and when you don't know what to say, just tell the truth. It’s not cute to hide your true self. You can be yourself, and the audience can understand. As long as it doesn’t affect other people, what’s wrong with being coquettish and naive? Who said you’re not likable? Five years ago, Are you a good student who doesn't make mistakes, but everyone likes you—me too."

Su Yan spoke calmly and firmly, and when he said the phrase "me too", he almost carried a kind of natural domineering, Xia Tingwan's face couldn't help getting slightly hot when he heard it.

"Besides, you are an actor, so you have to keep a distance from the audience. When you are acting, you can immerse yourself in the role. You shouldn't appear in reality shows like this. No matter what the news about you is written outside, you have to Keep this in mind, you are not Xing Le, a variety show guy who speculates people to gather popularity. You have your arrogance and capital, so you don’t have to be too persistent to please the audience. Now is a low period, and you may be discussed and slandered. But as long as you have outstanding works in the future, the momentary public opinion will be reversed at will, and in the final analysis, the work is the foundation."

Xia Tingwan was short of breath. He knew that what Su Yan said was right, but he didn't want to participate in the reality show either. It was just that the economic situation forced him to do so. However, he could only blame himself for this embarrassing situation. .

He thought of what Ji Zhan said just now, and the feeling of shame came up again, and he whispered: "Su Yan, actually... you are also disappointed in me. These years, I, I Nothing happens."

"I'm not disappointed."

Su Yan said in a low voice.

"Actually, I said these words today as a movie fan. I feel a little regretful, because I hope you can film one work after another, and win one award after another. But in those five years, as your Husband, in fact, I really don't want you to become a great actor."

Xia Tingwan's heart trembled when he heard the words "as your husband".

He couldn't help but asked softly: "Su Yan, during the years of marriage, have you ever thought about... what do you want me to be like?"

Su Yan was silent for a long time, and when Xia Tingwan thought that he would not answer anymore, he still spoke.

"Maybe, I want you to be happy."

Su Yan's ending trembled for a moment.

Xia Tingwan's eye circles also turned red all of a sudden.

Through the phone, they could only hear each other's slightly rapid breathing.

"In the news just now, there was a small tsunami near the Andaman Sea in the Indian Ocean. Phuket Island is right next to the Andaman Sea. For safety reasons, it should affect your filming schedule. I originally wanted to tell you, but in fact, you The program team probably will notify tomorrow—it’s getting late, go to sleep.”

Perhaps because they mentioned their marriage, Su Yan suddenly didn't want to say anything more, and briefly explained the reason for opening WeChat, then hung up the phone.

Xia Tingwan lay on his back on the bed, looking at the chandelier above his head.

During the days away from Su Yan, he began to grow up alone, and it seemed that because of this, he was able to recall many neglected details in his past life.

Layer by layer, he got closer and closer to the underlying reason for their marriage failure.

He climbed to the peak when he was young, and he was so arrogant that he didn't know the height of the sky and the depth of the earth for a while.

But the second blockbuster "Struggle", which took a year and a half to shoot, slapped him severely when it was released.

The commercial film with big production and big investment was ridiculed by all the crowd. Even Xia Tingwan's acting skills were questioned as a flash in the pan. He fell from the clouds again, unable to withstand such a big blow, and resisted his work overnight.

The crazy nightlife also started at that time, but then there was a kissing incident with Li Kaiwen. After it was reported, his reputation was worsened, and Su Yan was angry again. He didn't dare to go to the party. Fatigued in Xiangshan's house.

Since then, his condition has been getting worse and worse.

He is always moody.

Su Yan persuaded him a few times and asked him to take on some filming.Sometimes he couldn't help losing his temper, even if he knew it was not the case, he would forcefully ask Su Yan if he disliked him for not making money.

But sometimes he put his arms around Su Yan again, and said aggrievedly that he didn't want to make a movie yet, and felt that he couldn't act well, so he was very depressed.

Su Yan couldn't stand it anymore, so he could only subdue him again and again, telling him not to worry.

Later, Su Yan did as he wished and stopped talking about work, but he felt more and more empty.

During that time, as long as Su Yan didn't accompany him when he was busy, he would feel restless.

In fact, deep down in his heart, he was very afraid that Su Yan would not love him. Su Yan was his admirer who was fascinated by him in his peak period. charm.

It's just that he didn't admit that his out-of-control behavior at that time was due to his consideration of gains and losses when he lost his life goals.

Once, Su Yan went to a meeting abroad, and then flew back to City H on a [-]-hour flight without rest overnight, just because he asked Su Yan to come back to accompany him on WeChat, and he was in a bad mood.

The night when Su Yan came back, he was so exhausted that he was almost embarrassed. He said that he had been reading documents on the plane, and he really didn't have a good rest, so he wanted to sleep for a while.

But his temper grew, and he lay on Su Yan's body, licking and biting Su Yan's chin and Adam's apple like a small animal, clamoring for sex.

Su Yan coaxed him for a long time, and finally his voice was hoarse, almost begging him for mercy.

But he still lost his temper willfully, pulled the quilt over and shrank to sleep on the other side of the big bed.

Su Yan really had no choice, lifted the quilt and knelt between his legs and gave him mouth for a long time, until he ejaculated in satisfaction, then went to brush his teeth, and finally fell down on the bed and fell into a deep sleep.

.

For some reason, Xia Tingwan remembered Su Yan at that time very clearly at this moment, and said in a pitiful hoarse voice: "Tingting, I'm too tired, I haven't slept for thirty hours... Tomorrow Do, do it tomorrow night, okay?"

Su Yan's eyes were bloodshot, because he didn't have time to shave, and his chin was full of prickly stubble, the man who could go back without sleep for [-] hours day and night just to say "I miss you".He was so capricious and didn't get angry, but bent down and hugged the man who let him vent his desire.

Su Yan really loves him and really wants him to be happy.

He actually knew.

But he is so cruel.

He had never cherished Su Yan like Su Yan loved him.

Xia Tingwan's tears finally couldn't hold back and flowed down.

-

To explain, I always remembered that as long as the other party opens the WeChat conversation, you can see the words "the other party is typing", because this kind of thing seems to have happened, but I checked it again before posting today, and found that The official setting of WeChat is as follows:

"Only input in the dialog box within 10 seconds after receiving the message will display "the other party is inputting".Because of this display prompt, it will arouse the user's excitement.And if it is a conversation beyond 10 seconds, it means that the other party does not attach great importance to this conversation.Therefore, this state is not displayed for more than 10 seconds to avoid unnecessary excitement. "