Before and After Divorce

Su Yan was silent.

Xia Tingwan looked at him, the corners of his eyes were slightly red.

Su Yan didn't speak, and neither did he.

This is a silent wrestling.

In the suffocating silence, Su Yan finally said slowly: "I don't want to answer."

His voice was extremely cold, and his lips were pursed seriously.

It was a familiar expression.

Su Yan never liked to say that he was unhappy, but as long as he showed a subtle expression, Xia Tingwan could immediately sense it like a sensitive little animal.

After five years of marriage, it is rare for him to continue to contradict Su Yan at such a time.

But this time is different.

"Su Yan, what if I want you to answer?"

Xia Tingwan said it word by word.

Su Yan turned his head suddenly, and his breathing sounded a little heavy.

The air was stagnant.

Xia Tingwan was nervous, his fingers curled up slightly, but he stubbornly refused to back down, and kept looking directly into Su Yan's eyes.

"What about after answering?"

Su Yan said in a low voice: "After I answered, you will continue to ask, did you do anything else, how did you do it? You have to find out all the details. But Tingting, you know—" —Will it feel better?"

"I'm not feeling well."

Xia Tingwan said tremblingly, and he repeated: "Of course I don't feel well."

He raised his head, looked at Su Yan helplessly, and murmured: "Su Yan, the idea to ask you this question was really sudden, and I didn't know it in the last second, but I somehow asked it. But, in fact, it seems to have been hidden in my mind for a long time. Has Wen Zichen ever talked to you, have you fucked him? How many times have you done it? You are right, I have many, many questions. I also feel very painful, but no matter how painful it is, you tell me, I want you to tell me..."

Su Yan looked at Xia Tingwan who was trembling all over, a trace of pain appeared in his deep eyes.

He stretched out his hand, as if wanting to touch Xia Tingwan's face, but then put it down in a slumped manner.

After a long time, he lowered his eyes and said, "I did it with Wen Zichen once."

He made a start, paused for a while, and then seemed to give up struggling, and continued slowly: "He talked to me for a while, and then he didn't continue—he has injuries below him, and he seems to be very scared." .In a vague way, I thought of you, so I didn’t want to do it anymore. There was nothing else after that.”

Xia Tingwan listened, and suddenly felt that she was about to cry: "Then do you love him as much as you love me?"

"No." Su Yan froze for a moment, then immediately shook his head: "No."

They only do it once.

Is this a good answer.

Xia Tingwan didn't know, but he did understand that there was no answer he could accept.

No matter what Su Yan said, he would go mad with pain for no reason, and couldn't help but hate Su Yan hard at this moment.

"Su Yan, I feel so bad."

Xia Tingwan opened his mouth, he covered his face, and said tremblingly: "I always felt that I was your little prince alone. I like to have sex with you. I think my cutest appearance is for you to see. I don't know how to speak, and I don't have any skills in bed, but I think you must think I'm the most attractive, there is nothing to compare, and no one can compare with me. You know, at that time, at that time, I did it with you After I finished it, I felt like I was floating up when I walked the next day, which was very beautiful. But now everything is different. I... I, I can’t help but think, after five years of doing this, you’re tired of it Well, do you think I'm not that attractive, I'll give you a mouth now, do you think I'm clumsy, someone can compare with me, I, I feel so uncomfortable... Su Yan, why do you want to Doing this to me? Why?"

It was only when he heard his own voice that he realized that he was sobbing.

"Tingting..." Su Yan took a deep breath: "No, it is impossible to compare with you, and no one can compare with you."

"Su Yan, why is that? You clearly know that you are sleeping with someone else, and I am more than uncomfortable. You understand how painful and sad I will be...Why do you still do it?"

Xia Tingwan finally asked this question that he had been hiding in his heart for a long time, and it was aching in his heart day and night.

He has been enduring, has been enduring.

At this moment, he suddenly collapsed without warning.

Even though Su Yan left him and had a relationship with someone else, he still seemed to be in charge of all his lust.

Not only was he unable to have sex with Ji Zhan, in the past two months, he even felt resistant to masturbating.

How unfair this is.

In embarrassment, he roughly wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes with his fingers, and looked at Su Yan with red eyes: "The night I married you, you told me when you intervened, let me always remember that feeling—— In this life, only you can give me. So I never thought about being intimate with others, never thinking about knowing what it’s like to be naked in bed with someone else, never thinking about letting another man into my womb Body. After divorcing you, I have the opportunity to live another life. During the reality show, I also had some interactions with Ji Zhan. If I want, I can go to someone else, younger, Simpler."

When Su Yan heard this, his eyes seemed to darken slightly.

But Xia Tingwan couldn't take care of it anymore, he grabbed Su Yan's shirt collar, choked up and asked, "Su Yan, what if I'm with someone else? What if I sleep with someone else, can you tolerate it?"

Su Yan's face darkened, and he narrowed his eyes.

In the night, he showed a cat-like aggressive posture.

"What's the matter with you and Ji Zhan?" He asked slowly with a hoarse voice.

Xia Tingwan's body trembled subconsciously, and he clearly felt the dangerous aura of the man in front of him.

He is like a canary, naturally afraid of a cat-like man like Su Yan.

But amidst the fear at this time, there was another kind of anger that was weak to the extreme.

He bit his lips tightly, looked directly at Su Yan, and repeated it word by word provocatively: "Can you bear it?"

"I can not."

Su Yan broke free from Xia Tingwan's hands suddenly, and he stood up. When the tall figure stood beside the bed, he felt a suffocating sense of oppression.

In fact, Su Yan has a very weighty face, with a sharp nose bridge and a proudly raised chin.

When he was emotional, the corners of his eyes and the shape of his lips were upward. Although he didn't stare hard, it made people feel that he was really angry when he was emotional, and there was a kind of invisible ferocity and deterrence.

"I can't explain what happened in the past. But if you go to sleep with someone else to get revenge on me, Tingting, you won't be happy, and I absolutely can't tolerate it. I have nothing to say, it's getting late, you go to bed. "

Without saying a word, Su Yan turned around and walked out of the bedroom.

Xia Tingwan's lips were still trembling.

Even if Su Yan decides to have a relationship with someone else first, this man still maintains an absolute possessive desire towards him that cannot tolerate even the slightest provocation.

Even if she had told him before to ask him to find a younger and simpler man, that was not what Su Yan really thought.

At this time, Su Yan is real.

Overbearing doesn't make sense at all.

Xia Tingwan sat on the bed blankly, his heart was so sore that he couldn't even move his fingers.

When he was a child, he hid in his bed and read "The Daughter of the Sea", and every time he saw the ending, he would feel anxious——

In order to be with the prince, the little mermaid resolutely drinks the witch's potion, and she has two legs that can walk on land.But every step she takes, she feels like walking on the tip of a knife.

That story always made him sad.

Because what the little mermaid has to endure is not just one severe pain.

But along with every step forward, every step, always embedded in her destiny, endless pain.

During this time he often thought of this story.

The matter between Su Yan and Wen Zichen was like a long nail piercing into his heart - it didn't kill him, but it made him hurt terribly.

It hurts when I breathe, it hurts when I walk, and it hurts when I miss Su Yan with this heart.

Xia Tingwan covered her face, curled up in the bed, and finally couldn't control herself from crying.

He wanted Su Yan so much.

So much like the little mermaid in the story, even if it hurts to take a step, she has to grit her teeth and run to Su Yan.

The desire for a person has reached the extreme, and I can't tell whether it is humble or brave.

He never dared to ask, because he was afraid that Su Yan would not want to say it, but more because he was afraid that he would not be able to bear it.

He endured it until he confirmed that Su Yan still had love for him, and finally said it.

He just wanted Su Yan to tell him why.

He just wanted Su Yan to see his wound, hug him, and kiss him.

But is this just a wishful thinking?

Xia Tingwan was crying silently, and he didn't know how long it had been, maybe an hour, or maybe two hours, he didn't even have the strength to look at the time.

His mouth was bitter, and the tears were condensed on his face, which was uncomfortable.

Su Yan didn't come back, nor did he turn on the lights in the room.

He suddenly remembered that when Zhang Xueqiao was angry with him when he was a child, he would lock him outside the door in the dark and cold corridor, no matter how much he cried, he would not open the door.

He curled up in the corner, just like now.

At that time, for some reason, he was always convinced that there was a man-eating monster lurking at the corner of the corridor, walking towards him step by step.

He would close his eyes shiveringly, count to a hundred, and then open them.

Every time he opened his eyes, he thought he could suddenly see the door open, and there was a warm light inside.

Not once, just again, and again.

He kept crying and opened his eyes, but the door never opened.

Xia Tingwan thought about it, and closed his eyes in a daze.

1,2,3,4...

He counted quietly in his heart.

He kept counting, and kept counting, maybe because he felt panic in his heart, he counted more and more slowly.

87, 88, ...

It was almost ninety, he thought lonely, maybe no one will come.

At this moment, he heard the bedroom door being pushed open forcefully with a bang.

All of a sudden, he felt the quilt being lifted up abruptly, and accompanied by the smell of cold perfume, he was hugged in a familiar embrace.

Su Yan hugged him.

The hug was so tight that his chest hurt, as if he wanted to press him into his chest.

"I'm sorry." Su Yan's voice sounded almost fragmented because of the pain, and he kissed Xia Tingwan's ear over and over again to apologize: "I'm sorry, my baby. I'm sorry, I hurt you, I know, I'm sorry, Please forgive me, you are my most precious treasure in this world, no one can compare with you."

"I'm in so much pain, Ting Ting, I don't know how to explain it. After divorcing you—that kind of pain, that kind of pain is about to tear me apart. I never knew there would be such extreme pain in this world. I don't know how to get through it, every day is like walking dead, I can't eat, I can't drink, I'm so desperate, I can't have you anymore, but I can't live anymore. I just want to struggle, Wenzi Chen said that he could be with me and that everything will pass. For a moment, I just wanted to hear that sentence, 'it will all pass', I just wanted to get through it."

-

Xia Tingwan hugged Su Yan with his backhand.

Su Yan hugged him and repeated in a low voice: "Please forgive me."

He couldn't answer, but couldn't help crying like a child, the snot and tears flowed down together, and he just wiped it on Su Yan's shirt.

Su Yan pressed him under his body like a little beast, cupped his face with both hands, leaned over and kissed his forehead.

Xia Tingwan looked up at Su Yan with wide eyes.

The gentle kiss on the forehead made him suddenly feel very small.

It seemed that in the deep eyes of this man, he was still just a little boy.

Perhaps, he always will be.

They hug each other tightly.

It rained non-stop that night, and for the first time, Su Yan didn't go back to the Unicom bedroom in the study, but slept with him.

Xia Tingwan nestled in Su Yan's arms. He kicked the pillow on which his right foot was placed before under the bed, and then put his legs on Su Yan's body as before.

Su Yan stroked his back and said slowly, "Tingting, do you know the story of 'Mao Lao Shi Zi'?"

Xia Tingwan shook his head in a daze.

"It means that when cats get older and give birth to kittens, they eat them after giving birth."

Su Yan stroked Xia Tingwan's hair, and looked at him with those light gray eyes, but they seemed to be cast in a far away place: "This is what my mother told me when I was a child. Actually, I still don't know if it is true Really. My mother said - the reason why cats do this is because when they are old, they know that they can't take care of the kittens, so they just eat the kittens. It's like if a mother cat's nest is disturbed, if she When they cannot transfer or protect the cubs, they will choose to eat the kittens. My mother told me that this is the old cat’s futile protection of the kittens. The love is too strong, and when they are frustrated, they want to destroy them.”

Su Yan paused at this point, he seemed to be lost in memory, and after a long silence, he said softly: "Before my mother was hospitalized for depression, she once wanted to take me to commit suicide together."

Xia Tingwan suddenly raised his head.

In the night, Su Yan's expression was very calm.

"It was also a rainy night, just like tonight. My mother was wearing white silk pajamas. She was taking medicine every day at that time. She was very thin and not as beautiful as before. She took my hand and walked up to the attic. I I still remember that her hands were so cold. She held me all the way to the balcony, then touched my head gently, and she told me——Dad has become bad, and we can never be like before. So she To take me somewhere nice, where there is no pain. It rained so hard that night, crackling and crackling in our faces, that I was terrified, so when it was about to happen, I used Pushed her away as hard as I could and ran downstairs to find my dad. My dad was furious and soon my mum was in hospital and never came home."

"I was out of my mind for a while, and my mum wanted to take me to death, and it terrified me, but I still miss her, really, I miss her."

Xia Tingwan couldn't say a word and could only look at Su Yan tremblingly.

"Tingting, tell me,"

Su Yan suddenly lowered his head and asked softly, "Does my mother love me? Even...she did that."

Xia Tingwan couldn't help but nodded vigorously: "She loves. She must love you."

Su Yan lowered his eyes, and there was a slight smile on his face, shy like a child, but also a little relieved: "I think so."

"Later, I always thought of the story of Mao Lao Shizi. My mother was not in good health in those years, and her mental state was even worse. She had been taking medicine, but she was still hysterical. Every day, she was struggling to get by. I just met When walking, my mother said that she hoped that the whole world would treat me kindly, but she could no longer protect me in that state. She must be in pain, so she wanted to take me along. In fact, she was just afraid that I would pass Not happy, right?"

"Yes."

Xia Tingwan couldn't help sobbing, he tried his best to control himself and hugged Su Yan, and whispered: "She is sick, so she thought that she was protecting you like an old cat - futile protection. But that It doesn't affect her love for you from the bottom of her heart. Because she loves you, she wants to be with you forever, even until the ghost. Just like the "Strange Talk" we watched together. Su Yan, your mother loves you."

"Yes." Su Yan replied, "I know."

He stroked Xia Tingwan's arm and said in a low voice: "During this time, I have gradually understood my mother better, and sometimes I even think that I am a bit like my mother in my bones. To protect the one I love, But once I get frustrated, I can’t bear it. In a person’s life, there are actually a lot of helplessness. When there is nothing you can do, especially in front of the one you love, you will feel weak and feel very painful and hopeless. After thinking about it, I am no longer afraid of her, I miss her very much. Ting Ting."

Xia Tingwan had a sore nose, hugged Su Yan's neck, and pressed the man's head against his chest.

The heartbeats of the two of them overlapped.

He felt sorry for Su Yan, as if his heart was being clenched tightly.

In fact, during this period of time, while reflecting on himself, he thought a lot.

Humans are animals that crave love.

If there is no love, you will doubt the meaning of your existence.

But the entire learning process of receiving love for the first time, exploring for the first time, and giving feedback for the first time all happened in the small home.

If you lose the experience of love during the process of growing up, it will be affected for the rest of your life.

Very lost, very angry, I feel pitiful for my insignificant self, and feel that the world is hateful.

Just like him in the past.

However, everyone cannot choose their own family.

Some people are very rich, and those who have been deeply loved have a special temperament of happiness.

Even if he looks mediocre and has ordinary achievements, he still seems to have a kind of vigorous self-confidence and high spirits at a glance.

But other people are poor, and poverty makes them vulnerable, wanting to grab everything.

Both Su Yan and him are not rich people.

Even if their childhood home is far away from them.

They've grown up, they're men in their 20s, 30s, and they're still terrified of that poverty.

He just wanted to tell Su Yan, don't doubt, that kind of love, even if it's sick, is ferocious for a moment.

— But it’s also love.

Grab it, trust it.

Because he knew that if it was him, he would want to make the same choice.

If there are not many, many, just a little bit, even if I only find a little sporadic love in the ruins of the former home, I am satisfied.

want to be loved.

Because, if you are not loved, you are so lonely, so lonely.