Before and After Divorce

Ting Ting, good morning letter.

On the morning when I left Xiangshan, it was snowing in H city.

When I was in the car, I wanted to call Aunt Rong and ask her to prepare the scarf and earbags for you.

But thinking of how sad my departure would make you, I suddenly felt that I was hypocritical, so I stopped fighting.

I miss you all the time.You have to take care of yourself and don't freeze.

The night before the business trip to the United States, you asked me if I would write poems to you.

I said yes.

But for some reason, I can't write anything after so many days.

I probably don't really have any talent, but because I was lucky enough to meet you, so many romances were born out of thin air in this mediocre heart.

But when life comes to a difficult time, I can no longer stand up lightly. No matter what words I write when I write, I feel heavy and depressed when I look at it.

Would you blame me?

Lu Mao said, you didn't sleep well, and you lost a lot of weight.

I was really sad to hear that.

I know I owe you a lot of explanations, but many things bother me even if I write them down, so every time I want to speak, I end up giving up.

I am sorry.

Let me start from the very beginning.

Long before your car accident, I had a vague feeling that something was wrong with my body.

It's just that I was too busy at that time, and there was friction in my relationship with you, so the medical examination was delayed.

When you were hospitalized more than a month after your car accident, I was sent to the first aid in Xiangshan because of breathing difficulties. After that, the doctor diagnosed that my mitral and tricuspid valves were severely damaged and needed to be completely replaced.

My mother's family has a history of genetic heart disease, so I was born with a weak heart.

Due to physical reasons and the need to completely replace multiple valves, my operation failure rate is higher than others. Once the operation fails or the replacement valve is not suitable for postoperative disease, there is a certain degree of risk of death.

When I heard the news, I felt like my whole world was over.

I think of you who are still lying on the hospital bed, and feel that life is slipping into endless darkness, but there is nothing I can do.

Tingting, I once told you that I made up my mind to divorce on the day of your car accident.

Of course I lied to you, sorry.

Ever since I met you, there has never been a single day when I didn't love you.

I love you when you are shining;

I love you when you are weak and weak;

Even when you were lying on the hospital bed after drunk driving and injured someone, I still loved you heartbroken.

If I hadn't been powerless to my own destiny, I would never let you go.

I decided to divorce on the day I learned that I was ill.

I chose to hide all this from you, deal with Yin Ning's matter in private, and then divorce you peacefully.

My darling, I imagine you might cry tears of unwarranted self-blame and confusion as you read this, and it makes me sad.

It was never my intention to make you sad, it's just that sometimes I can't help myself.

I feel pain, pain for you.

Because the man you married is so hateful and weak.

When I stand in the present moment, I look back countless times to the decision made a few months ago, and even I may not fully understand it.

Is this really necessary?

I think you must have such doubts.

Just like you will have the same question today, do I really need to leave?

I am not terminally ill, and everything is not irreversible, but I always solve it secretly behind your back, like a redundant game, a lame defection.

This is difficult for any normal person to understand.

Ting Ting, while I am writing these words to explain to you, I am also trying to understand myself.

The environment in which I grew up made me good at silence. I have always obeyed my family and my parents in action, but in my heart, I have always felt loss and pain.

I am an unhappy person.

Perhaps because I have been used to being unhappy since I was a child, I gradually stopped trying to find the meaning of my life, as if there was nothing wrong with living like this.

But after having you, everything changed.

Ting Ting, I lost the ability to please myself early on. Only when I satisfy you can I truly be happy.

After marrying you, I will do my best to love and protect you.

When you are happy, my heart feels as sweet as bathing in a fragrant rose garden.

I am addicted to sex with you, as long as you orgasm under me, I don't need to release, I can also feel the passion and joy bursting in my body.

When I am by your side, I really live in this world.

I breathe the air you breathe, I touch you, and I see the most beautiful scenery in life from your eyes.

Being able to marry you is the happiest happiness in my life.

But my love is so sick that even now when I write these words, I still feel extremely ashamed.

After your car accident, all my beliefs were shattered.

You deserve to be loved in a better way—

I should let you grow up smoothly, hold your hand and patiently let you touch the endless splendor and helplessness of life;

I should be stronger, strong enough to let go and watch you stumble and get back up again. I should teach you to read O. Henry. I should have enough experience to tell you that life is a smile with tears in it.

But I can't do it.

All this is because my nature is weak, there are few smiles and sweetness in my life, so I don't want to let you cry, I don't want to let you get hurt.

I have experienced my selfishness and incompetence like never before. In the five years when I was the most strategic and confident in my life, I failed to bring you the best life.

I think of you lying in a pool of blood, of my illness, of the years to come, that I may continue to be weak.I am 11 years older than you, from now on I will slide from my peak to my trough step by step, I will get older and more powerless.

I completely lost all confidence.

This was the whole reason I decided to divorce.

……

I thought I lost you completely. You never expressed your strong desire to live with me forever. Maybe after the divorce, you will find someone more beloved soon.

As soon as this thought popped up, I felt hopeless.

The doctor suggested that I have an operation within half a year. Lu Mao and my family are looking for the best cardiologist for me to discuss valve replacement. Some think mechanical valves are better, while others think biological valves are better. There have been many debates.

I just feel bored. In fact, now that I think about it, I feel very naive, but at that time I did have a very unreasonable idea——

An adult man's heart is about 300 grams, so to replace the mitral and tricuspid valves, I may have to completely replace about 8/[-] of the heart.

Will my love and nostalgia for you lose one-eighth?

Thinking that one eighth of my love for you might be replaced, I even resisted the operation.

My determination when I made the divorce decision was gradually conquered by instinct. I miss you every day, and that kind of painful missing is about to wipe out my hope for life.

But to my surprise, even if I chose to leave first, you who are so proud still go back to Xiangshan persistently and ask me if I still love you.

At first I thought you were just not used to it, and because of your responsibility to Yin Ning, but gradually, a little clumsily and pleasantly surprised, I realized that maybe...you really don't want to let me go.

Ting Ting, you refuse to give up on me, you refuse to hand me over to others.

You are willing to grow for me, you love me.

Can you imagine what kind of ecstasy and panic that kind of cognition is for me.

I started wanting to go back.

Even if such a U-turn seems so stupid and ridiculous about divorce, I can't control my desire to get close to you.

I long to return to you, just like the desire to live instinctively revived in my body.

……

When I was on a business trip to the United States, although I had to deal with some company affairs, I was more concerned with discussing surgery with the heart specialists there, and finally decided to replace it with a biological valve, and the surgery was scheduled for this month.

I did ask the doctor if I could have sex, and after getting a positive answer, I couldn't help but have sex with you.

But there are always some unexpected things, maybe I was too excited, so suddenly my heart couldn't bear the load.

This caught me off guard. I planned to wait until your audition is over, and I will use the excuse of a business trip to secretly perform surgery. If everything goes well, you may not even notice that this is happening.

Everything didn't go as I expected, I had no choice but to flee in a hurry, it was embarrassing and lame, and I didn't even think about how to explain it to you.

After you came back to Xiangshan, I started to try my best to survive this battle in good health,

But there are many things that are beyond my control after all, like the fixed [-]% failure rate of surgery.

Seven percent, is that much?

I guess literally not much.But Ting Ting, I'm really scared.

I want to be with you, together for a lifetime.

Because of this, I am very afraid of death, even when I think of this word timidly, I feel trembling all over.

I am afraid to leave you.

I am afraid of leaving you in this world, afraid that you will be sad for me.

I am afraid that you will foolishly think of me year after year. The paradox is that I am also afraid that in a few years you will have a new life and leave me alone in the lonely ghost.

But these fears are not as good as the fear of "facing" the matter itself.

I imagined the [-]% possibility, imagined that when I was lying on the hospital bed and being pushed into the operating room, you would hold my hand and look at me tremblingly.

You have to wait anxiously outside the operating room and stare at the red light, just like I sat waiting for you in the corridor on the night of the car accident. You have to keep wondering about my life and death, how scared you should be, and how lonely you should be.

I imagine that [-]%, if I leave, you will cry in the hospital and collapse on the ground, but I can no longer hold you in my arms and comfort you.

I can't bear to imagine this.

Do you still remember the story of "Old Mao Shizi"?

That is the deepest fear in my heart, and it is also the knot in my heart throughout my life.

When I'm weak and helpless, when I can't protect you, Tingting, my sense of powerlessness drives me crazy, I even want to swallow you into my stomach, so as to escape the fear that follows me everywhere.

I can't face it.

My beautiful, radiant little peacock, I know you've grown up.

When you resolutely decide to take responsibility for Yin Ning, when you make up your mind to make movies seriously and take the next step, when you can survive the criticism of public opinion unscathed, you are already a real man .

But I still make such a decision, it's not that I don't trust you, it's all because of my personal timidity and cowardice.

Please forgive me and please don't hate me.

Please allow me to escape secretly and face this battle alone.

wait for me.

If you can't wait--

forget me.

Su Yan.

……

Xia Tingwan held the plain white letterhead, stumbled and ran upstairs, and pushed open the door of Su Yan's study with a bang.

He hurried around behind Su Yan's mahogany table, staring at the huge golden Dotlin Berlin safe, and after a long, long time, he opened the safe with his fingerprints and the password he remembered.

With a slow and heavy muffled sound, the door of the safe opened slowly.

In the file grid in the center, there is a folder clearly placed.

Xia Tingwan took a deep breath and slowly opened the folder.

Even though he had vaguely guessed the content of the document, his body couldn't help shaking.

The documents inside are very thick, but in fact, the meaning is clearly explained on the first page, and all the documents after that are just a list of properties——

After Su Yan's death, except for the shares of Hengtai Group, all private assets at home and abroad under his name were transferred to him.

Xia Tingwan's hands trembled, and a small leather pouch suddenly fell out of the folder.

He bent down to pick up the small bag and opened the tether, but all the suppressed emotions finally broke out uncontrollably when he saw what was inside.

Xia Tingwan slumped on the ground, the look on his face could not tell whether it was crying or laughing.

In the moonlight--

An emerald ring swirled softly on the mahogany floor.

"Tingting, this ring should be worn forever."