Before and After Divorce

Xia Tingwan was terrified, and cold sweat broke out suddenly on his back. After a few seconds, his hand tremblingly covered Su Yan's and held it.

It was a familiar and reassuring touch, and he couldn't help rubbing Su Yan's ring finger subconsciously and reluctantly.

The place where the emerald ring used to be is now empty, but when you touch it like this, it seems that you can still feel the trace left by the ring worn for five years on the ring finger - like a flame burning on the skin, leaving a piece of wasteland.

Su Yan's hand froze for a moment, and he quickly let go. Xia Tingwan took a step back, his face hidden in the shadow of the porch: "Go back."

Xia Tingwan stood where he was, watching Su Yan turn around like this.

The driver opened the car door with an umbrella for Su Yan, and at the moment Su Yan wanted to sit in, Xia Tingwan suddenly walked around the front of the car in the rain, ran to the driveway and grabbed Su Yan arm.

The torrential rain fell on his body and face, and the clothes on his body were soaked in an instant. Xia Tingwan looked at Su Yan in embarrassment, because the raindrops were falling fiercely, and he could hardly open his eyes.

Su Yan's driver was obviously taken aback, but he reacted quickly, and immediately tilted the umbrella over to cover Xia Tingwan from the heavy rain.

Su Yan was already sitting in the car at this time, poking his head out to look at Xia Tingwan, with a hint of astonishment in his eyes.

"Su Yan, can I, can I go down the mountain in your car?"

Xia Tingwan shivered in the cold rain, he actually didn't know why he wanted to hold Su Yan.

He is so stupid, sometimes he will do things impulsively that he can't explain clearly. He just doesn't want Su Yan to leave, so he does it.

"The winding mountain road here is steeper than Xiangshan Mountain, and the road is also narrow. It rained heavily tonight. Zhao Nanshu's car is flimsy. I'm afraid when it slips."

What Xia Tingwan said was not completely made up, his reasons were seven or eight percent true.

After the car accident, he dared not ride in a car for almost a month. Even ordinary starting and braking would cause him strong discomfort and resistance.

But Su Yan's Maybach S600 has a bulletproof design, the most sophisticated shock absorbers and brake systems. The car that the heart comes to ride in.

Su Yan was afraid that he would feel uncomfortable when traveling, so he left the Maybach and the driver to him, and changed to a Bentley that he didn't often drive when he went out for work.

Although it has been six months since the car accident, Zhao Nanshu only needs to be careful when driving, and it won't burden him too much.

But it's raining heavily today, and it's going down the mountain again. Xia Tingwan will really suffer if he takes Zhao Nanshu's car.

Su Yan looked at Xia Tingwan and was silent for four or five seconds. Seeing him hesitating, Xia Tingwan couldn't help but leaned down and brought his body trembling with moisture close to Su Yan, and called out again softly: "Mr. —”

Su Yan's eyes suddenly darkened in the rainy night, he turned his head, and said in a low voice, "Get in the car."

After the driver heard this, he didn't say much, but took Xia Tingwan to the other side of the car under an umbrella, opened the door and asked Xia Tingwan to get in the car.

Su Yan's car carried a familiar faint fragrance, and when the door was closed, there was no sound of crackling rain at all. The driver also started the Maybach and drove steadily in the heavy rain.

Xia Tingwan lowered his head and sent a message to Zhao Nanshu, asking Zhao Nanshu to drive slowly and follow behind.

Su Yan turned his head to look at the rain outside the window, and didn't speak to Xia Tingwan, as if he was really just taking Xia Tingwan for a ride.

The suddenly quiet atmosphere made Xia Tingwan feel a little hot on his face. In the cramped car, such silence made people restless.

He really doesn't understand what he's doing, and he still unconsciously wants to act like a baby with Su Yan, but in the situation where he has already parted ways, it's really shameful and pathetic for him to be like this

"Su Yan, I'm sorry about today's matter." After a long time, Xia Tingwan finally squeezed out a sentence: "My mother..."

"It's nothing, I don't care." Su Yan didn't seem to want to talk much, and he didn't even give Xia Tingwan a chance to continue explaining, so he said directly.

Xia Tingwan paused in embarrassment, Su Yan's side face looking out of the car window looked a little cold at the moment, he felt that even though he was sitting in the same car, there seemed to be a layer of alienation between him and Su Yan diaphragm.

The wet clothes clung to his body disgustingly, like a layer of damp and heavy armor.

Xia Tingwan shuddered, and suddenly said: "A few days ago, I saw the news about you and Wen Zichen in the newspaper."

Seeing that Su Yan didn't answer, he continued on his own: "It was written in the newspaper that you and Wen Zichen went to eat Ginza's daily food together, and then went to watch a black box drama. You... are very close. Wen Zichen should It's your new love."

Su Yan turned his head to look at Xia Tingwan, his eyes were very cold: "I have already said, if you suspect that I am cheating in marriage, you can sue me."

Xia Tingwan also stared at Su Yan, he knew that Su Yan was upset, but he couldn't stop there: "I believe everything you say, you know, I am different from my mother, and I don't care about marriage Cheating. I just want to know, are you and Wen Zichen... are you together now?"

He still asked.

He tossed and turned the question he had thought about [-] times, even though knowing the answer would make him painful, he still asked it.

He really didn't care about cheating in marriage. Judging from their last few months, their marriage was already useless.

If Su Yan loved him, there would be no one else.

Marriage is the framework, and love is the essence. For him, cheating is just a narrow synonym for "not loving".

"What do you mean being together?"

Su Yan asked: "Together in bed, or in marriage?"

Xia Tingwan was at a loss for words for a while, he didn't know how to answer.

But it seemed that Su Yan didn't intend to wait for his answer. The corners of his mouth curled up coldly, and he said calmly, "After the divorce—I had sex with Wen Zichen. Is this the answer you want?"

The moment he heard the answer, Xia Tingwan suddenly felt very empty, as if he had fallen into a void with nothing.

He wanted to get busy, smoke a cigarette, or bite off his nails, as if this would relieve the overwhelm at this moment.

"I have no idea……"

Xia Tingwan replied after hearing his own dazed voice.

-

He didn't know what the answer he wanted was, and he didn't dare to think about it any further.

Xia Tingwan lowered his head, watching his fingers twisted white due to too much force, but they were still numb.

Perhaps it was because the pain was so sharp that I had to deceive myself and dull my senses.

He really wanted to spend some time listening to the sound of the rain outside the car, but the perfect sound insulation of the Maybach made even this attempt to divert his attention useless.

"Is there any smoke?"

At this moment, Su Yan said suddenly.

Xia Tingwan thought for a moment that he heard it wrong, Su Yan basically didn't smoke, and he was clean and tidy, so even Xia Tingwan never dared to smoke in Su Yan's Maybach.

Although Xia Tingwan felt astonished, she obediently took out the cigarette case and handed one to Su Yan.

Su Yan put the cigarette in his mouth, then lightly swept Xia Tingwan with those eyes.

This time Xia Tingwan understood Su Yan's meaning immediately, lowered his head and lit the fire silently.

When Su Yan leaned over to light a cigarette, they were very close.

Xia Tingwan smelled the scent of cologne coming from Su Yan's body, and the familiar body temperature and breath made him tremble like an electric shock.

But that kind of contact was fleeting, and the moment Su Yan was about to sit back in his seat, Xia Tingwan suddenly felt a sharp pain that would crush him.

"Su Yan..."

He suddenly hugged Su Yan tightly. He was so hard that he could almost hear the painful sound of his chest being pressed: "Don't be with others, I don't want to, I don't want to."

He was never someone who could afford to leave.

When making love, he wasn't too afraid of the pain when he entered, but he was afraid of the emptiness when Su Yan pulled away.

Even if they warmly embraced each other and Su Yan kissed him over and over again, he still felt so lonely at that moment, so he couldn't help biting Su Yan's chin, neck or fingers, leaving some fresh tooth marks on him, like Only when the little beast branded its beloved prey biting and biting could it be relieved.

Su Yan is his.

Although he used to look indifferent and often put on a chic posture, in fact his possessive desire for Su Yan is absolute and pure.

He didn't want Wen Zichen to hug his Su Yan, even if he just thought about it, he wished he could embed Su Yan into his body right now, without anyone touching him.

"Don't leave me behind."

He choked up and said, and suddenly remembered Zhao Nanshu's lines in Happy Together at this moment, and he finally understood with pain in his heart: "Su Yan, let's start again, shall we?"

"Tingwan, when you didn't come just now, Aunt Zhang was blaming me for wasting five years of your time and youth."

Su Yan did not push him away, nor did he answer his words, but slowly puffed out smoke rings, as if recalling something: "Actually, if she hadn't mentioned it, I wouldn't have thought much about it—after my birthday this year, my Just 36, not old, but not young either."

"Meeting you when I was just over 30 years old, I feel very lucky, like a gift from God. Before you, I was with many people, and it was always a kind of supply and demand. I have nothing but physical satisfaction, so I often feel empty.”

"I fell in love with you the first time I saw your performance in "Whale Language". I first went to Xu Zhe to ask about you, and then slowly approached you. You are as attractive to me as in the movie. I Every time I see you, I feel like a deer walking in a deserted forest. You are natural, your vigilance and cuteness are natural, you act purely on instinct, without any adulteration Compromised, beautiful creatures, can you understand how grateful I am to see love for the first time after living for 30 years?"

Xia Tingwan raised his head involuntarily, and his lips trembled slightly. He looked at Su Yan's face blurred by the smog, but he could vaguely discern a distant smile brought by memories from Su Yan's eyes.

"I want to be with you, not like those empty relationships before. From the beginning, I just wanted to marry you. Whether it's a boring reporter who writes news, or your mother, they can't understand me. They feel that because With money, you have the power to choose and control at will. But marriage is also a sacred and serious decision for me. You gave me five years of life, but I also gave myself to you for five years. Year."

Su Yan stroked Xia Tingwan's face with the hand holding the cigarette, and finally a familiar gentle expression appeared on his face, and said softly: "Wen Zichen and I - I won't marry him, and I won't marry him. Will never marry anyone again. I can't give anyone that kind of love anymore."

Xia Tingwan heard him say this, but he couldn't feel any comfort.

He hadn't fully understood what Su Yan meant, but the desolation hidden in those words made him feel subconsciously afraid.

Su Yan lowered the car window by a gap, and he took a breath of the rainy air with the smell of mud: "Today you said for the first time that marriage is not forced, I am very happy, really—but I can't go back It's late, Ting Wan."

"I'm not who I was five years ago. I'm not energetic enough, and I don't have the courage to do it again at the age of 30."

He said he couldn't go back.

Su Yan didn't just want him anymore.

Su Yan doesn't want love anymore.

Xia Tingwan tried his best to open his eyes wide and looked at Su Yan, but before he realized it, tears had already flowed down his face.

-

Before him, Su Yan had been with many people, some for a year or two, and some for three to five days.

Xia Tingwan asked about Su Yan's previous affairs, Su Yan did not shy away from it, some of the names he mentioned included famous models and actors, his attitude at that time was very indifferent, it seemed that there was nothing worth mentioning, Xia Tingwan I have never heard of anyone causing scandal or disturbance to Su Yan.

Su Yan didn't call them boyfriends, but just said they were companions, just like the tone he used when talking about Wen Zichen now.

In fact, Xia Tingwan has always been able to vaguely feel that the Su Yan he knows is not the complete Su Yan.

In the past that he couldn't see, in the eyes of others, Su Yan might be an indifferent, even cruel person.

Once, Xia Tingwan had a whim, and together with Su Yan, he took a telescope to look from Xiangshan to the CBD of H city. As a result, there were more than a dozen towering high-rise buildings that were developed by Hengtai. At that moment, even he They were all taken aback.

How does a man who has accumulated wealth and power to that class, a man who can get almost everything at his fingertips, think of other more ordinary people in his heart.

It's hard for Xia Tingwan to understand, because he has never stood on such a high place.

But he didn't seem to have thought about this issue before, because Su Yan treated him differently.

But now when it was his turn to face Su Yan's other side, he realized what kind of cruelty it was.

Su Yan went back to the time before he met him. When he decided to divorce, he was not only unfeeling to him, but also let go of his once romantic self indifferently.

"Su Yan, can I ask you another question?"

Xia Tingwan let the tears flow down his face weakly, but there was a flash of stubbornness in his eyes.

In fact, at that moment, he already understood that no amount of pleading was useless, and because it was useless, he finally decided to ask everything clearly: "Did you decide to make up with me the day you found out that I had a car accident?" I am divorced?"

"Yes."

Su Yan extinguished the cigarette in the ashtray in the car.

"Is it... because of that?"

Xia Tingwan's voice trembled, but his eyes on Su Yan did not waver.

He couldn't escape anymore. In the past six months, he almost immersed himself in the pain left by the car accident, because that way he could escape the aftershock that that incident brought to them, but walking, walking, He and Su Yan still reached a desperate situation.

He had to face the trigger that led to the disastrous end of his marriage with Su Yan.

Su Yan fell into a long silence.

He lowered his eyes, his long eyelashes in the shadows, trembling involuntarily because of the sudden intense pain.

Xia Tingwan was waiting for the answer, but in the deepest part of his heart, he vaguely knew the real reason for their divorce.

Like an iceberg in the sea, the sharp shattered ice floating on the sea is the cause of the car accident, but the heavy ice accumulated over the years under the sea is the cause of the car accident.

He never told anyone about that.

He was in a drunk driving accident, and Zhao Nanshu once secretly asked him what happened.

Because although he used to be a bit of an alcoholic, he was not a person who would risk his life. He always remembered to call Zhao Nanshu or the driver of the Su family to pick him up after drinking. He had never drunk and driven in so many years, so what happened that day was very important to Zhao Nanshu Of course weird.

He didn't tell Zhao Nanshu the truth.

What happened that day was like a withered and cracked riverbed lying between him and Su Yan, making them unable to look at each other as sweetly and affectionately as before in the six months after the car accident.

"I don't want to bring it up again."

Su Yan finally spoke. His light gray eyes were as deep and calm as the surface of the sea after a storm. It was almost difficult to read any ripples from his expression: "You are here, get off the bus."

Xia Tingwan almost got out of Su Yan's Maybach in a daze. Before the car door closed, he vaguely heard himself say something softly: "Su Yan, I'm sorry."

I am sorry.

Six months ago, his relationship with Su Yan was a little problematic.

Perhaps it was because Su Yan was too busy at that time, so he sometimes seemed a little absent-minded. He was sensitive by nature, and soon got into an awkward situation with Su Yan, so he drank some wine in a bad mood.

That night, he went to Su Yan's study with Jiu Jin to search casually, but he didn't expect to find a diary.

The diary was in an ancient style more than ten years ago, with a dark leather cover, about 300 pages, and the heavy weight seemed to carry a secret heaviness.

Xia Tingwan didn't pay much attention to it at first, and randomly flipped through from the middle, and the first page contained such a sentence.

"Dad beat me, with a belt, twelve times, then locked me in my room and didn't let me eat dinner. I will never steal candy again."

He felt an unprecedented, chilling terror, and trembling like that, he flipped through the entire diary.

The owner of the diary is Su Yan's half-brother, he should be a small child, and his expressive ability is still very weak and difficult.

However, there were page after page of records of being repeatedly beaten and abused by his father.

Perhaps it was because the pain recorded on it was so real that it mobilized all his dark memories of the past almost instantly.

What he thought he could bury, what he would no longer look back on, what he would no longer face, the heaviness completely crushed him that night.

He thought of his father riding on him drunk, the inferior leather belt slamming on his back hard, the leather belt ravaged his flesh with a crisp sound, he could almost hear the scream of his own flesh and blood bursting out movement.

In Su Yan's dark study, he cried until he knelt on the ground and vomited, almost vomiting all his bile.

He couldn't control his resentment towards this world, it was so strong that he almost wanted to burn all the happy people in the world with him in an instant.

After Su Yan came back, he attacked Su Yan with the most vicious words.

In fact, he always remembered what he said, even though he hoped that the car accident would make him lose the memory of that night.

"You don't love me, you just sympathize with me, fuck me, I don't need your sympathy, Su Yan, I feel sorry for your brother, right, but you can't save your brother, so you just want to save me, how can you What? You can't make up for anything, so you can't save me, I was beaten to vomit blood, when I wanted to turn into a bird, into a fish, where were you when I wanted to escape from this world? Do you think you are now Give me these things can save me? You are too fucking late, I am already what I am now. You say you love me, but you are just giving me condescending sympathy, and then pretending to love me Look, you are using me to make up for your guilt towards your brother, right?"

Su Yan, you are a selfish and hypocritical bastard, I want you to get out of my life forever—”

That night, he said this to Su Yan, and then, without waiting for Su Yan to explain, he rushed out of Su's Fragrant Hills mansion in his Lambo memory with alcohol.

After the car accident, he woke up and asked Su Yan about his brother.

Su Yan told him that Su Jin committed suicide when he was 11 years old.

After that, none of them mentioned it again.