Cloudy but no rain

In my whole life, I haven't done anything destructive—before I met my first cheating partner.

I am definitely not writing this to atone for my sins, nor to whitewash myself for being married, cheating and coming out.

I think life has developed to this point, there is no need to excuse myself, the important people are gone, and the meaning of excuses is gone.

Although I do regret it, I regret that I didn't leave with He Yin earlier, so maybe Feng Mian doesn't know about my family, and we won't have such a deadlock.

But I know he doesn't love me. Before the relationship was established, he had a physical need for me, and I actually had the same need for him. After the relationship was confirmed, I was slowly tempted, but he must not have it.

Maybe this is the reason why I didn't force this relationship to be successful in the end. If he has an element of love for me, I don't know what to do.

Letting someone who doesn't love you leave is not difficult, time will heal everything; but letting someone who loves you down will make my heart hurt.

When I was in my 20s, my achievements in majors were already higher than ordinary people, so I took the postgraduate entrance examination all the way, and then met He Yin in the later school smoothly.

He Yin was not a student like me at the time, she was a friend of the tutor, and my tutor was not much older than me, so He Yin was not much older than me, we were compatible in character, and we had some things to talk about.

Due to the hard time studying, I have never met any so-called love, and I have never even met any women (at first I studied forensic medicine, but I never saw a woman, only saw a woman's corpse, and finally passed the postgraduate entrance examination and crossed majors, and I was a graduate student. I was too busy at the time, and I didn’t have a chance to meet, and all the female students I met had boyfriends).

It wasn’t until when I was doing research for my Ph.D. that my mother said, you’re about to get married, and it’s time to think about starting a family after graduation. Then I realized, well, I’m going to be thirty now. , It seems that it is time to get married.

So I went to think about it.

It happened at that time that I met He Yin, so I thought it was fate, I was very moved by her, she was intellectual and beautiful, and met the marriage standard (this judgment is wrong, I know, I am just stating objective facts), and she is older than me When she was a few years old, her family's pressure became tighter, and she was also looking for someone to marry.

So I have been pursuing her for two years when I was studying for a doctorate. I guess she knew that she would marry me in the end, so it took a little more time.

In the first few years of our marriage, we got along very well and had a son, but I was busy and so was she.

I just entered the hospital, and many things are still in the adaptation stage, and I entered a private hospital at the beginning, not a public one. I always feel that it is difficult to control the right to speak in that kind of hospital, and the conditions offered by Director Qian are very favorable. , I have no reason not to go to a unit with a high salary starting point.

I have to support my family.

I forgot to mention that He Yin was originally a teacher. She taught Chinese in high school. She is very sensible and like a teacher, gentle and gentle.

I sometimes think that I might like teachers and listen to them talk as if they were teaching in front of me, that's why I like Su Fengmian in the end.This is something.

But after giving birth to a son, He Yin and I decided to resign after discussing with me. She said that she was engaged in education and knew very well how to teach children. Both of them can't be absent from the child's growth, at least she has to be with her.

Anyway, she said so, and I agreed with her.

She took care of the child for seven or eight years until the child entered elementary school.

At that time, I would go out on time at seven o’clock in the morning, and at night I would finish work and go home at seven o’clock in the evening. But I have never failed to give to this family. I always feel that everything I do is for this family.

He Yin understood at first, and she had no time to take care of me. She was busy enrolling her son in various remedial classes, but after the child went to elementary school, she suddenly became free. Except for weekends, she didn’t need to take care of her son every day. Take time.

So I said to her, I am also quite tired. One person’s income supports a family, and there are mortgages and car loans. Although it is enough, I hope that since she has nothing to do, she can go to work and share it together. This will be good for us. It's all good, she won't be idle.

But we quarreled because of this matter, this is the first time I quarreled with her, she was unwilling to go to work, she said, since I have no time to contribute to this family, at least I must have financial support, even she I don't want to raise it anymore, what else can I do.

Although I knew that she said it out of anger, she completely misunderstood what I meant, and I felt helpless.

Although I compromised in the end, I was really too lazy to reason with her.

If she is willing, it doesn't matter if I keep her, as long as she doesn't complain about the boring life.

I know that life without work must be boring, and I still need to find something to fill in the extra time in life.

But she loves to complain, and becomes more and more irritable. She doesn't like to tidy herself up, and doesn't like to go out.

So every day when I got home from work, I would hear her throwing a tantrum, sometimes on her son who hadn't finished his homework, and sometimes on me.

Sometimes I quarrel with her, most of the time I am too lazy to talk, I am too tired from work, and at that time, I bought another house and put it under my mother’s name, I didn’t tell her, Ben I wanted to take it as a surprise, but since she doesn't even want to work, it's impossible for me to share the mortgage with her. Out of selfish human nature, I didn't tell her.

Even though I still don't understand, since life is so unhappy, why doesn't she go to work.

In the years when she had a job, when I first met her, she was the most perfect woman.

It was during that time that our relationship began to go downhill. When the relationship was extremely cold, it was the first time I cheated.

My son was a little early in his studies. He took the college entrance examination at the age of 17 and went abroad.In the year of his college entrance examination, I went on a business trip, drank some wine, and the colleague who went out with me was not a good person (and I am not now), and took me to meet some so-called "friends in the circle" .

In fact, they are all young ladies and the like, I know, but I didn't hold back that time, and He Yin and I haven't been together for a long time, so we still pushed it halfway.

It was just one night, and I didn't get in touch with them in the end, and I didn't even know who the other party was.This kind of high-risk sexual behavior cannot happen again.

I thought that He Yin must never know, I already regretted it very much, and I was worried, I was lucky that I didn't have any illness.

But He Yin knew it, and she made a fuss. For several nights, I heard her say a few words when I was about to fall asleep, you are tired of it, and so on.

It's annoying, I just want to sleep.

I ignored her and she filed for divorce from me.

Is this really serious enough to warrant a divorce?I personally don't think so, I think she just found a fuse to file for divorce with me, our relationship is actually a bit in name only.

The big-eyed and small-eyed people don't have much time to see each other every day, and when they meet, they just meet.

Before I had time to think about whether to agree or not, she withdrew the divorce contract again, saying that her son was going to take the college entrance examination.

At that time, I was in a bad mood because I found that my desire to divorce was much stronger than hers.

The moment she said she couldn't leave, I really regretted not signing it earlier.At that time, I knew that I really couldn't stay in a family without love and desire for a second, and I didn't go home very much. I lived in a new house, and it was not completely renovated, so I was about to settle down. live.

He Yin can stay here, because she has a son and she has sustenance. As for me, I don't have anything.

Son, I care about him and love him, but I definitely don't love him as deeply as He Yin.

On the contrary, I think that if you love your son, you should divorce, and you cannot let him grow up in an unhealthy family.

So I sent him abroad when he was in college.This He Yin unexpectedly agreed, and she probably felt that her son had to see the outside world and not be limited by his parents.

My son went abroad to study, and He Yin didn't have a job, so I didn't see her when I went home occasionally.

But I have to work harder for my son to go to college and get a bonus. Fortunately, I have already reached the position of a professor. I have also experienced many operations, large and small, and my career is not difficult.

But people have desires, and no matter how many bonuses I get, I can't solve the desire.And... I dare not look for Miss, for fear of getting sick.

So it was at that time that I first came into contact with dating.I downloaded several hot chat apps in the same city, and asked out women once or twice, but He Yin found out about them all, and I have no idea how she knew about them.

She seemed to be extraordinarily sensitive to having a woman around me.

Anyway, if she found out, she would quarrel with me and make this fragile relationship worse, but she didn't mention divorce or sue me.

I don't want to argue with her or let her know on every date, it's fucking annoying.

By coincidence, I thought that if I was fooling around with a man, she wouldn't be able to find out.

Once this kind of thinking is born, it cannot be taken back.

It may be that I have read a lot of books, my knowledge is not limited, and I am a medical student, so I am not opposed to having this kind of relationship with men. On the contrary, I may know how to take pre-measures better than some pure homosexuals, because I am a doctor.

So with the mentality of giving it a try, I made an appointment with the first one, which was not bad, and He Yin didn't bother me, so I got the second and the third one, until I got to Su Fengmian.

When I saw Su Fengmian, I only felt that he was the most comfortable looking and getting along with people I had dated.

They don't look like people my age, they're in their thirties, immature, but they're better than 20s, they're too loud and demanding, and give me trouble.

So those who come and go with him can be regarded as fixed.

After I got fixed with him, I didn't date anyone else. First, I didn't have time. Second, my interest in other people has indeed decreased.

There is an inexplicable quality in him, which makes people feel distant and near, and I want to get closer.

Later, that night when we had western food with him, I saw that he was absent-minded, and I wanted to tease him and asked him if he would try to be with me, but he agreed.

I really didn't expect it, because he didn't seem to have such a need, I thought he was just out to play, and he didn't even allow me to leave a hickey or something like that on him.

After being together, I was very uncomfortable at first, and it was hard to say whether there was any fear and worry caused by liking someone in this discomfort.

After all, I'm not young anymore, so it's unlikely that I'll be tempted casually.What I'm uncomfortable with is finding that I'm not very good at dealing with pure hugs and kisses, pure caring and waiting.

During the short time we lived together, he bought a lot of strange things and put them at home. My house itself was very empty, but there were a lot of gadgets all of a sudden; Soup, or nothing, just a hug and a kiss, not complaining that I went back late, and not complaining that I didn't accompany him less.

Very pure, hugging, kissing, it seems that even sex is very pure, he doesn’t ask me to do anything, but he will always be with me like a cat, and there is no strong purpose in acting like a baby. Stay with me for a while, not to buy or ask for something.

In fact, for more than half a year, my hugs, kisses, caring, and waiting have all been for sleeping with different people. Frankly speaking, I sometimes think that my caring and greetings to He Yin back then were also for marrying her and getting this marriage partner , it seems that the purpose is not pure.

But now that I have a family, I can't marry Su Fengmian, and he doesn't need to marry me; and if I don't need to be with him for desire, I can break up.

So the unclean relationship between me and him seems to be very clean, with desires, but not so deep that we have to be together to have sex, but I don't want to break up and become ordinary friends with benefits.He and I sometimes seem to need each other spiritually. Although I couldn't hold it in the end, I still achieved spiritual resonance with him through physical desire.

I don't know if he understands it, but I can see that he is lonely, just like me.

My previous so-called "boyfriends", little lovers, were all together for sex or money, and never had a heart-to-heart talk.

But I know I can't do it with Su Fengmian, he said that he has never been in love before, that is to say, I have the responsibility to give him a good first love.I am also very happy.

It's strange, this sense of responsibility.

So I think now, I liked him from the beginning and wanted to be close to him (not physically), so I never mentioned breaking up with him.

Even at the most stiff time, when he moved out of my house and my son returned to China to rest, I never thought about breaking up with him.

I know that I'm on the same road to the dark, and He Yin will find out sooner or later. Before she finds out, I have to do something.

Although Su Fengmian doesn't love me, I can tell from the way he looks at me that he has no expectations.

How to put it, he seems to have no expectations of me, no matter what I do, he will accept everything.

That night when I told him that I had a son, I was also disappointed by the slight disappointment he showed and the final statement of "I won't let your son know."

I thought he would at least be sad or surprised because of this. All kinds of things can at least explain that he has expectations for me, hopes that I can treat him well, and hopes that I can satisfy his fantasy of love.

But no, he seems to have been very indifferent.

Except for Ji Zhifei.The way he looked at Ji Zhifei was not right. Although I didn't study psychology, I have studied forensic medicine and...criminal psychology, so I still have an understanding of human behavior.

He said that Ji Zhifei was his old classmate, but they were not very friendly, and their attitude towards each other seemed cold and cheerless—it doesn’t matter if they are not friendly, it’s probably just a bad relationship, it’s fine if they don’t communicate—but they still would Contact, eat, get along, touch with a certain frequency.

It doesn't make people feel weird.

The first time I felt a sense of crisis was when I met Ji Zhifei with Su Fengmian in the shopping mall.

That time I was really angry, I was jealous, I know, so I wanted to see Su Fengmian's reaction.But he didn't respond, he said he wanted to go back to his house.

So Su Fengmian asked me if I was free on Valentine's Day, and I didn't want to say I was free.

In fact, it is really not. He Yin said before that he would have a meal with his son. For his son, I think, let’s eat.And I'm ready to confess to my son and divorce He Yinti.

Not because of Su Fengmian, but there is indeed a reason for Su Fengmian.Without Su Fengmian, I might not have mentioned it so early.

In short, they divorced earlier, and they each had their own freedom. Their sons have also gone abroad, and they should be sensible now that they are adults. There is a part of reluctance. It is for this originally good family, not for He Yin.

But after that meal, I couldn't find Su Fengmian again.

It's like he disappeared from my contacts suddenly. He doesn't answer the phone or reply to WeChat, but he will post to Moments.

I thought about it, but couldn't find the reason, and finally went to his school to find him.

There are two reasons I can think of. One is that he is tired and doesn't want to get along with me. know my business.

I don't know why the second assumption should be counted, it may be that I have a guilty conscience.

Later, I went to his school to find him, and confirmed that it was the second problem.

He knew that I was not divorced, how did he know it? I don't know, it doesn't matter.

That day may be one of the few moments in my life that I regret very much.I regret not divorcing He Yin earlier, and I also regret starting with Su Fengmian.

To put it bluntly, I regret making everything so bad.

It is said that it is never career or life that breaks people down, but feelings.

The emotional blow is really unbearable.I knew there was no possibility for me and Su Fengmian, so I promised Ji Zhifei to go to a food stall with him.

It was quite cold that night, but Ji Zhifei was very calm. He just told me that he knew that Su Fengmian and I were together and why we broke up. He said he knew this and that.

I just drank and didn't want to talk to him, and then he suddenly told me that he actually liked Su Fengmian very much, and he has liked Su Fengmian for many years.

What he said at the time was liking, and he didn't say "love" to me, but I knew he was embarrassed to say it, and liking someone for more than ten years is no longer liking.

I didn't have any other emotions, I just wanted to hit him with a wine bottle, and out of social politeness, I held back.

However, I am still very envious of him, not for anything else, just because he can have someone he has always wanted.In fact, it is very rare. It is very difficult for a person to meet a person who is in his heart in his life, and it is also difficult to be in love with him for a lifetime.

If I can meet it, I will probably stick to it forever. Some people are like this, that is, "the sea was too difficult to find water".Su Fengmian is far less important to me than Su Fengmian is to Ji Zhifei.

I thought, forget it.

I didn't say much to Ji Zhifei either, I just told him that if you are together, please let me know.It's fine if we're not together, I don't want to know him, a bastard.

I resigned after that, and I never contacted Su Fengmian. I don’t know anything else. I am together.

My hometown is in the Northwest. Before I go back to my hometown, I plan to see Su Fengmian again. After that, I probably won’t be there. I don’t know if I will go back to the North. Maybe I will go back to the Northwest. After my parents know that He Yin and I are divorced, they will be mad at me. I seem to have a lot to deal with.

But I kept waiting that day, but I couldn't wait for Su Fengmian. I called him halfway, but didn't answer.

Finally, around six o'clock, my son came to the airport.

He probably knew from He Yin that I was going back to my hometown, so he called me, and I said okay, I have to leave before 06:30, and he arrived before 06:30.

After meeting him, it was about the same time, so I left, I still haven't seen Su Fengmian, he probably just doesn't want to see me anymore.

Afterwards, Ji Zhifei told me that they were together, which was good. Su Fengmian and Ji Zhifei must be happier together than with me. Can't wait for a second.

I wish him happiness.

The author says:

Nothing, just wanted to write.